Tips on parenting and living with two “big” jobs

[Chicci1]

Would love advice from anyone in a similar position. Myself and dh work full time in “big” jobs and have two dc in primary school. Dh has just accepted a promotion which is going to mean longer hours and more stress but is a big step forward in his career. At the moment we’re managing using wrap around care and a cleaner once a week but life is hectic. I find the extra curricular stuff particularly hard to manage. We’re both full time with no chance of reducing days and can usually each work from home one day a week. The other days we take turns to drop and collect. I’m not sure what sort of magic wand I’m looking for but any tips would be welcome!

I'd suggest a nanny/housekeeper who starts at noon and works until 7pm Monday to Friday. They do housework/laundry until school pick up do the pick up and look after children feed etc until you are home and then either look after one child so you get some one on one or finish off housework etc.

You need a bit more than that but the rest should be easy - eg housekeeper strips beds and sends sheets etc out to laundry/checks them back in and makes beds etc as IME there isn't enough time for the nanny/HK to do the bedlinen as well. You do an online food order to arrive whilst nanny/HK is there to put away or arrange for it to arrive after DC are in bed etc. ALso worth seeing if there is someone local who offers a fill the freezer service so you have a stash of meals you can get out and into the oven.

can i ask what a "big job" is? I take it it's one where you work long hours and earn over 100K?

@littleteapot86 it's not just long hours they tend to work across time zones and need to work until it's done. It means unpredictable hours and a lot of responsibility. It means having to work within an international team making time critical decisions and usuallly endless bloody meetings. Non-negotiable, irregular international travel also thrown in generally. Lots of directs reports or a whole department to wrangle. Sitting on a senior management team or a board or both depending on stage of career.

thanks for explaining. That sounds exhausting! I can hardly imagine doing a job like that single nevermind married with kids. I have a relatively well- paid job (not 100k though) in the NHS, 9-5 and two young DCs and it's already plenty 😅

DH and I both have well paid jobs with long hours and high responsibilities. We don’t have paid childcare now that the children are at school.
Choose a school with good wrap around care/ school buses.
Get to know other parents , join a WhatsApp group, help others at weekend doing the run to parties etc.

If your children have a sports afternoon ( often Wednesday) or regular class assembly try and negotiate your job plan to avoid working this session so you can be present.

Have a joint family calendar and meet weekly to work out diary clashes.

Buy multiple presents and cards in advance for kids birthday parties.

Have multiple sets of uniform, sports kit so reduce the nightmare or last minute disasters.

Online grocery shop.

watch school calendar like a hawk, email teachers to find out when sports day / nativity play is ahead of time to block these out of your diary.

Lower your standards around the house AND get a cleaner.

It is a lot but it is well paid and very rewarding if it's something you love. "Big job" positions often mean being able to change the trajectory of a business. It's a very valid question how people manage and what outside help they employ. What mostly happens is the woman manages whatever domestic staff they have and it's not insignificant and utter chaos ensues when the support folk go off sick etc. We have zero family back-up. I'd far rather pay for someone to sort out the washing than the kids. DH still does the majority of school drop offs and I do almost all pick ups unless travelling. I then do homework etc and log back on in the evening when the west coast of the US is functioning. My kids have learned that sometimes I just need to take a call from toddlers know they just need to be quiet. Mind you it doesn't always work and they've all made cameos in calls!

Outsource outsource outsource.

i have a full on challenging job, partner too.

Full time nanny if you can afford it, seems a waste when kids are in school but actually for sorting extra curricular, sick care, and holiday care it doesn’t work out much more than wraparound nanny as they tend to want higher hourly salaries.

Get nanny to do laundry or get a laundry service where they pick up and drop off. Doesn’t have to be too expensive loads of old school laundrettes offer this service, it’s called a service wash.

You need cleaners more than once a week! Twice at least. Or a housekeeper who can come in and do stuff a few times a week, laundry, empty dishwasher, water the plants.

Gardener a few times a year for a clearout. Local teenager to mow lawn in summer.

I had 3 kids in 3 years and had an Afterschool nanny 4 days a week, 3 hours per evening (I finished early on Fridays to collect) during primary school years. She'd collect them at 3.30, bring them home, unpack lunchboxes, make tea and wash up, do reading/spellings etc, play games, take them to early evening activities or the park on sunny days. Helped keep on top of homework, tidying etc so when we got home the kids had been fed, dishes and homework were done etc.

That, plus a cleaner once a fortnight made it manageable for 7 primary school years.

Yabu for using the phrase “big jobs” 🤣

My current job is part time after school care for two people with “big” jobs.

I pick one kid up from school, the other gets on the school bus. I drive them to any extra curriculars, give them dinner, make sure homework is completed, tidy the kitchen (dishwasher etc) and do the kids’ washing. They don’t have a cleaning person, which they really need because I don’t do that (the hourly for a cleaner is much higher than what I do).

I do 3 hours a day for them. If you could find a reliable “granny” type, or a Uni student, it might be worth it (in the US this is a common practice, but definitely not cheap!).

Turn the big job into a small job and prioritise the kids. If you're so high up then you can set an example and start a trend where people spend more time with their kids, who might not feel the need to seek constant external validation from the Internet.

@aname1234 oooor you can fuck right off and women who have risen to the top of their career and outsource the washing.

Why should OP be the one to do that? Maybe it should be her DH and OP can set the example that women don't have to give up their careers when they become mothers.

Maybe the big job is researching a cure for cancer. Would you rather she stopped doing that? Maybe she’s a brain surgeon who might one day save your own child if, god forbid, they became ill. Maybe the big job is being a lawyer and she’d defend you if you were accused of a crime you didn’t commit. The woman who developed the first covid vaccine has kids. Would we all rather she’d stepped aside? Would her kids? I bet they’re really proud of her. The obstetrician who saved my life when i heammorhaged during surgery has kids. I’m glad she didn’t step away as i’d have been a goner.

We need smart women in the workforce.

Being a good parent and holding down a fulfilling career are not mutually exclusive (i say this from experience as my own mother stayed home and was a shit parent).

Earning less money in a ‘small’ job (also, get lost, there are no small jobs, just people who work and people who don’t you patronising so and so) she’d be away from the kids almost as many hours as she is anyway. But without the funds to outsource.

This poster isn’t me but i also had a SAHM and also wouldn’t be one.

My mother is a very clever person with lots of energy and was bored and miserable being a SAHM. It was apparent to us kids as she was always miserable and apparent she hated being with us all the time. We much preferred the company of our dad who worked full time and enjoyed coming home to us at the end of the day. We didn’t see him as much but had (and still have) an amazing relationship with him.

My mum’s at the end of her life now and very bitter. Wishes she’d done more, experienced more, met more people.

Not the case for everyone. Some people love being SAHPs. The key is to know what kind of person you are and what kind of parent you’d be. Working definitely makes me a better parent.

Just stick the kids in boarding school - sorted! 👍

Get a nanny. We did. It was the only viable solution.

Personally, I'm very grateful that Professor Dame Sarah Gilbert didn't give up her career after she had triplets, or many, many more people could well be dead.

“Big job” is a shitty term to use. I suspect what you mean is, well-paid job with lots of responsibilities and expectations, along the lines of lawyer, hospital consultant etc. What you’re forgetting is people in other jobs (“little jobs”?) still have the commitment of having to turn up and often still work long hours, but they haven’t got your salary to buy the help needed - cleaners, Nannies etc.

And this isn’t sour grapes, as I work in what I suspect you would class as a “big job”. I look back at when I worked in retail doing 9am-6pm shifts in a city centre department store, which necessitated leaving the house at 7.30am to get a train, and think that there’s no way I could have done it with children and I have no idea how the parents I worked with actually made it work.

Get a nanny. Not an au pair, a proper qualified nanny. That’s what you need.

Ok I think OP using the phrase ‘big job’ offended a lot of people but let’s take that out and replace it with two time poor parents…
I t’s interesting to read people’s tips as it’s always felt like working parents of school aged children are very stressed and squeezed in this country with limited state support etc. I guess everyone is saying get a nanny ( which not everyone can afford) but also I feel a bit jealous of paying someone else getting to play with my toddler whilst I run around cooking and tidying up the house :(

It depends on the job, working hours etc but it can be possible to outsource as much as possible but try to limit outsourcing childcare. A reason why I'm not taking a career break now is because once mine are old enough for school, it will mean that DH and I will be able to share drop offs and pick ups, we have ''big jobs'' but in our industry, it comes with more control of your own diary as you become more senior.

The plan is to outsource everything else as much as possible such as cleaner, gardener, use hello fresh so dinners are easier etc but make sure we're the ones doing drop offs, pick ups, help with homework etc.

That’s definitely an issue. When my kids were smaller I absolutely hated that the nanny got the fun stuff, I took over for bedtime when they were tired and cross and then the weekend was a lot of catching up on laundry etc during naps.

On balance though I’m still glad I did it. Taking a break wasn’t possible (mortgage to pay, we’d have had to move) but even if it was it would have set me back years. Where we are now they are a bit older and the financial freedom is helpful as we can travel etc. And they are more valuing of ‘quality’ time around shared interests as most of the time i’m at work they’re at school anyway and then after school the nanny now gets the boring bit with homework and I get to be the fun one.

I didn't take it as bragging or bigging up a job more that it was long hours and full on or intense.

Apologies wrong thread