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Original poster

At what age did you no longer have to “do” bedtime?

111 replies

Wherearewe2001 · 20/12/2023 09:53

5yo and 2.5yo here.

Bedtime is a 1-2+ hour saga that involves multiple instances of getting out of bed, messing around, wanting cuddles, books, drinks or toys. By the time they are both settled it’s close to 9pm and the evening is gone.

They have a bedtime routine that’s the same every night. It’s the point of getting them into bed and the lights off that the trouble starts. It’s an exhausting and relentless ordeal.

At what age do children generally just go to fucking sleep, without all of the drama? Or even better, at what age to they just take themselves off to bed and you don’t have to “do” anything? I’m living for those days…!

OP posts:
PostmansKnock · 20/12/2023 13:25

I stopped reading a bedtime story when they were about nine but I don't think that's the problem here. Your bedtime routine sounds like it's not working for you at all.

What's actually happening?

But my response would be

Mammy can I have a cuddle?
You can have a cuddle in the morning.

Mammy can you read this book?
No.

Mine had two picture books (one choice each). Start making this part more important and do a good job of reading it so they feel like they have had a story.

Drinks and toys need to be there as a part of bedtime.

LuckiestMumonthePlanet · 20/12/2023 13:42

Sorry, no advice. I’m still stuck with this at age 10. I blame DH.

RougeFraise · 20/12/2023 13:44

We still do bedtime at 10, until they want us to stop we won’t.

some nights it’s a breeze and others it isn’t.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 5 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep
Ohthisisimpossible · 20/12/2023 13:45

9? Stopped being hellish about then, I think

Callisto1 · 20/12/2023 13:54

Sympathies. Our eldest is 9 and we still do bedtime, but by now we only do the reading and tucking in. Occasionally help with toothbrushing. So the work has decreased as they shower, dress and get ready themselves. We still have to chivvy them along though.

DH has a knack of introducing more and more rituals and special occasions which means something that should be 40 min is usually double that.

MightyGoldBear · 20/12/2023 14:00

What time is bedtime? Could you start it earlier. Mine are 1,6 and 9 all pretty much go down pretty easy. It's a very simple quick bedtime routine of brushing teeth and picking a story to listen to from audible while they fall asleep. Just make it super boring and no engagement at bedtime. If they get up "bedtime" escort back to bed repeat repeat repeat.

My middle was harder work but at 6 he is much easier

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 20/12/2023 14:06

Mine went through a stage of not wanting me to leave them. So in order to put a stop to me sitting in their room, id say "i just need to nip to the loo - I'll be back in one minute", leave the room for one minute and come back for last kisses and cuddles. That way they knew i would come back very quickly so they didn't need to get out of bed to find me. Eventually extended it to a 10 minute check up and then no check up.

XmasPartyhat · 20/12/2023 14:07

Agree that you need to start saying no. No to story, no to out of bed, no to juice, no to it all.

Mine are 8YO and 10YO now. They get sent upstairs about 8pm witn orders of having teeth brushed and in pj's by 9pm. I still read them a story and tuck them in. Don't think I'll ever want to stop that!

RoachFish · 20/12/2023 14:28

Around 7/8 in my house. By then they got themselves ready for bed, they read their own books and then I just went and said good night and switched the light off when it was time to sleep. So my involvement was probably less than 5 minutes per night at that stage.

bakewellbride · 20/12/2023 14:31

I have 2 a similar age to yours and both are asleep in their beds by 7:30. Could you try tweaking what you do? It doesn't have to be like what you've got currently.

BibbleandSqwauk · 20/12/2023 14:39

I don't think this about "doing" bedtime as such, but getting yours into better habits. At that age, it was tea, little quiet time, bath, PJ's, snuggle with warm milk and story then bed. 9/10 times that was it. Any up and down met with minimal interaction. If they push it, tell them tomorrow story will be skipped if they continue to be naughty, or a fun activity planned for the next day cancelled.
Mine gradually dropped off from having a story read about age 10 but now, at 12 and 14 will be mostly in their rooms anyway, I'll chivvy for lights out by about ten on a school night and always say goodnight with a hug.

blackfluffycat · 20/12/2023 14:42

I still do it now for 11YO 13YO is fine. Drives me mad!!

blackfluffycat · 20/12/2023 14:43

She's waiting for an ADHD assessment through.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 20/12/2023 14:50

I still do bedtime with a ten year old, I enjoy it and they need that time of reading and talking and connection with me. They don’t fall asleep instantly but when the light goes off they are quiet and trying, so I don’t mind staying reading my kindle for a few minutes while they drift off. It eats into my evening, but it means a lot to DC.

By age three though they understood that when bedtime was over and it was time for sleep then that was it. Chatting was over. There was no drama because I simply wouldn’t give it any attention - no telling off, explaining, cajoling etc. Lights went off, they’d been to the toilet and had a last cuddle, I ignored all attempts at engagement. Turns out messing around by yourself in a dark and quiet room is really boring if no one is paying you any attention.

Jackiebrambles · 20/12/2023 14:51

I still do bedtime with my 8 year old - she likes me to read to her, and sometimes stay a little bit whilst she settles. My 10 year old takes himself to bed but needs reminding to put light out, he also still wants tucking in/hugs. But I’m dreading the day he no longer wants to cuddle his mum before bed!

CatherinedeBourgh · 20/12/2023 14:54

Bedtime has been my favourite time since they stopped bfing to sleep - I would sit with them, read them Terry Pratchett and snuggle them (while dh did the clearing of dinner)

I think they’d still be up for it and they’re now teens, but they tend to go to bed at the same time as me so we’ve had to stop!

Singleandproud · 20/12/2023 15:00

After years of messing around and trying to get DD to bed at 7:30 like every other young child, when she never actually stopped messing around until 9pm I found moving bedtime to 9pm an absolute game changer, washed and PJs on at around 7:30pm, quiet activities until 8:30 then read a book meant she went to sleep with no problems some times she'd put herself to bed to sleep first.

Dutch1e · 20/12/2023 15:04

It was about 10 for totally hands-off bedtime after a cuddle downstairs. DS is very good about brushing his teeth and showering before PJs and into bed.

But he is homeschooled so I"m not very strict on what time he actually goes to sleep. So about half the time he is still awake when I head up and we often spend half an hour nattering about life's Big Questions. It"s quite a sweet way to end the day and I feel like we connect as people rather than just as parent/child.

Makes a nice change from the interminable faffing and non-sleeping of bedtime in his younger years

Ozgirl75 · 20/12/2023 15:06

Mine are 11 and 13 and I don’t have to “do” anything, they get themselves showered and ready although I tell them to lie down otherwise they would read for ages.
I reckon it was about 7 or so that they could do it by themselves but up until very recently we still read together at bedtime (the younger one). But the hassles stopped totally around 5/6 but bedtime hasn’t ever been a huge issue here outside of the first 2/3 years or so. So you’re probably nearly there!

ReadyForPumpkins · 20/12/2023 15:10

We are still doing bedtime at 12. But neither of mine have drama over bedtime. It's brush teeth, stories and bed. If I don't continue the bedtime routine with my 12yo to bed, I suspect she'll just stay awake till very late.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 20/12/2023 15:12

Probably easier for me as I only have the one . I recall bedtimes being a nightmare with baby/young toddler and that I was still sitting/lying with him up to school age . Primary age, routine was straightforward, although there were disturbed nights due to bed wetting til around 7. I don't remember exactly what age I stopped sitting with him in bed while we read together. Possibly end of primary as he was only just 11 at that point but there wasn't any hassle or argument around bedtime .

What is clearer in my memory are the times around mid-teens when there was still noise coming through the wall from PlayStation games when we were trying to sleep ourselves, and even worse was age 17-18 when he seemed unable to leave whatever drinking establishment before it closed around 2 in the morning. Sorry!

I wonder for you, whether part of the problem is that your children are waking each other - or influencing the other in playing up?

Moredarkchocolateplease · 20/12/2023 15:42

I stopped when DS turned 12 as he wanted me there until then.

This coincided with peri meno starting which means I now go to bed before anyone else in the family.

So don't get too excited, those child free evenings never materialised for me!!

OneMoreMyWay · 20/12/2023 15:59

11, when they started having clubs and activities that finish later and at different times, so sometimes we don't even eat together. Still a hassle to get them into bed though!

Metallicant · 20/12/2023 16:31

About 7/8. I’d have happily carried on for longer

SEG152 · 20/12/2023 16:31

To put it bluntly, your children take this long to settle because you let them.

Stick to routine of books, have water already in their room for them and give them a big cuddle before lights out.

First time they’re up you tell them gently that it’s bed time and take them back to bed and give them a kiss. Next time they’re out it’s a stern it’s bed time and lead them back. Third time just lead them back. If you aren’t giving into their requests they’ll soon be bored and give up.