At what age did you no longer have to “do” bedtime?

[Wherearewe2001]

5yo and 2.5yo here.

Bedtime is a 1-2+ hour saga that involves multiple instances of getting out of bed, messing around, wanting cuddles, books, drinks or toys. By the time they are both settled it’s close to 9pm and the evening is gone.

They have a bedtime routine that’s the same every night. It’s the point of getting them into bed and the lights off that the trouble starts. It’s an exhausting and relentless ordeal.

At what age do children generally just go to fucking sleep, without all of the drama? Or even better, at what age to they just take themselves off to bed and you don’t have to “do” anything? I’m living for those days…!

Mine our 2.5yr and 4yr. Their routine has been the same ish since babies. They share a room:

5/530 tea
6:15pm Bathtime
teeth, story, song
7pm lights out.

Potty in the room, make sure all wees are done before or just after bath.

Baby gate on their door, I’ve removed all access to lights as the eldest started turning them on to read/dick around. They know that bedtime is bedtime and although I can hear a bit of chatting/singing, they generally are asleep v shortly. We’re quite firm with boundaries so try to stay strong—might be a hellish few weeks but they’ll get the message! Good luck!

Sorry to disappoint but my kids are 8.5 and 11 and I still have to “do” bedtime. I still need to stand in the hallway asking them repeatedly to brush their teeth, I have to check the youngest (autistic) has done it properly as he hates doing it, I read a bedtime story, sometimes 3, I have to tuck youngest in, find cuddly toys and persuade him to stay in bed. It doesn’t take long usually, but given their ages we don’t get to sit down til 8:45 or nearly 9 as they don’t go to bed very early. I enjoy story time and know I’ll miss that when it stops, 11 has in fact started skipping it some nights to read his own book in bed. we read chapter books now like roald dahl and are currently reading the Animorphs series from my own youth!

My 6YO is pretty much independent at bedtime. At 7 she goes upstairs for a shower, does teeth, gets into PJs. At 7.30 (school night) or 8 (weekends) one of us goes up to take the ipad (the only time of day she’s allowed it) and give her a kiss. Then she can read or play and she puts herself to bed when tired. I usually check on her about 8.30 and have never once found her awake and she springs out of bed at 7 the next morning. We’ve been doing it this way since she was 5 and it works great for us. And we read together earlier in the evening, now she’s reading chapter books we usually take turns to read a page.

My 2YO obviously still requires putting to bed but it’s a bath, teeth, PJs, one story then we say goodnight and leave. Takes 30 minutes top.

i hear you cat, still doing it for a nearly 16 yr old!!!

Have you tried just laying with them? I know it sounds counterintuitive but my 3 year old is asleep in minutes as long as me or DH is laid in bed with him. If we try putting him in bed alone he’s suddenly thirsty/wants another story. I think a lot of bedtime issues are just children seeking connection.

Whenever mine have had to share a room, I've put the younger one to bed in their room and then put the older to bed in our bed, and then moved her once they were both flat out.

They are probably egging each other on 🤦‍♀️

I've found that's the only way with mine if they won't settle while sharing.

Even now mine are 7, 10 and 12 and if they have to share they start arsing about at bedtime. Drives me mental!

Good luck!

I also agree about reducing/dropping the nap for the younger one. But it's tricky getting the balance right.

11 here and still have a full on bedtime but they are adhd/asd.
It’s a lot less painful than it used to be tho.
pjs, teeth, bed, cuddle. Hopefully stay there.
we entertain no messing about either

We always tuck ds 9 in and he cleans his teeth himself.
We've never done a long routine even when small it's always been love you,kiss cuddle then out the door.

mine are now 10 (boy) and 13 (girl). I no longer have the same struggle but my DS still likes a cuddle at bedtime and tucking in. DD does not! 😂
Maybe start the bedtime routine an hour earlier … and be kind, loving but firm. Children need boundaries ☺️.
Everything is a phase though and this will eventually pass. Reading this, I even miss these days a bit 🥰 … teenage phase doesn’t feel any easier 😂🤪 x

My dd12 still wants tucked in, a cuddle and a chat at bedtime- around 10 minutes. She's never just said 'I'm going to bed, night'. I figure it prob won't last much longer but it's a lovely time. We're extremely close.

Age 7 for both of mine.

Bed time should be a nice time for all of you. I’m not being judgy but I think you need to be firmer. Kids like consistency. Decide what you want the routine to be and implement that. Tell them beforehand that bed time is new tonight and this is what’s going to happen and then do it, don’t sway from it for even a moment. Deal with tantrums with empathy without changing the boundary.
I read something once that said ‘you set and hold the boundary and it is absolutely ok for your child not to be happy about it’

it might take a few nights but if you see it through you and the kids will enjoy bedtime and they’ll probably even sleep better for it!

Mine are 3 and 6 and they're both in bed for 8pm.

6.30 Bath
7.00pm 3yo story and cuddles. 6yo sometimes listens or looks at his own books
7:15pm 3yo lights off. 6yo reads to me, then I read to him. Length of time can vary a bit
7.30-7.45pm 6yo lights off.

Sometimes they've had phases of getting out of bed and asking for drinks etc. They get dealt with quickly and sent straight back. If I need to sit on the landing, I will but this is really rare.

When my eldest was 4 she started going to bed herself but it lasted about 6 months maybe not quite as long. When we moved her rooms she was scared and wanted us there. She's 6 and half now and has just recently started going to bed herself again. It's brilliant! We do story, she will read or I will if she's tiered. Kiss and cuddle and then leave the door open and bathroom light on so it's not completely dark.

My little one is 4, she will not do it anytime soon. I've tried she just has a carry-on and bedtime ends up taking longer. I will probably try though next autumn just before she's 5. Not hopeful though lol. At the moment it takes 30mins-1hr. She gets a story in my bed and then we stay with her until she is asleep. It takes so long we often end up falling asleep with her 🙈 by time we get bk downstairs it's 9.30-10pm.

My DS has just turned 9. He still likes me to read to him. This is usually what happens and I am trying to shorten it:

In bed at 8pm. I get in his bed and read him a story. Then we have a cuddle. Then I tuck him in and read a bit more on the floor and then lights out around 8.30/8.40 and most of the time he's asleep in ten minutes but occasionally we get tears and 'I miss Daddy' or 'I'm scared about xyz; I'm too hot, I'm too cold, I need a drink' and I could be sat in his room with him until gone 9.30. At that point I'm so tired I just bring him into bed with me and he goes off to sleep straight away.

I think half the problem is we don't like seeing them get so upset. I have no problems being firm any other time but bedtime is different - I would hate to leave him crying/upset all alone in his bed in the dark and it won't be forever.

Mine are 3 + 15 months, bedtime is only 5-10 mins.

We’ve found more sleep = more sleep. So start really early. We removed 3yo’s nap because she does afternoons at nursery, so by bedtime she is tired. Bedtime is between 6-7pm for both.

Practical tips: stagger bedtimes because they share a room e.g. toddler down at 6, 5yo down at 7.30, to give the toddler a chance to fall asleep before the oldest goes up.

Give them both access to the things they normally ask for: my toddler has a sippy cup with a small amount of water (once it’s gone it’s gone) and a packet of tissues by the bed.

I only read stories during the day, at bed time they have a Tonie box. They each choose what to listen to and once it’s finished, that’s it.

They don’t have toys in their rooms, only books. I don’t mind if toddler gets out of bed but she doesn’t come out of her room.

A long routine makes it worse for mine. Too much build up gives them time to stress out, to play up, to extend things. Bedtime is fixed and it means stop what you're doing, immediate clear up, then teeth/wee/short story or 5m on YouTube/bed. Nothing else. Definitely no bath or anything else. I aim for lights out within ten minutes.

DD(11) has a reading light on her bed though and is allowed to draw, read etc as long as she doesn't bother anyone else, so it's less upsetting to leave her play. DS(8) has a couple of quiet toys for the same reason.

My 9 year old still likes me to take him up for a chat & cuddle before bed, but it’s nice and not like I have to lie with him until he settles anymore.
My 12 year old takes himself up.

When they turn into Kevin and Perry..
( Teen - I HATE MY PARENTS GUTS stage and WONT BE SEEN DEAD IN PUBLIC WITH A PARENT stage)....
When Adolescence has started Zperids, voice breaking.

After bath and Pj's (and often 15/20mins of them being batshit crazy) I lay with mine, read a story, lights off and then sing whilst stroking their hair/backs, asleep by 8pm, give or take 10 minutes .
bonus for us daughter is on a double bed, so I just put them both in together (age 4&6) and only have to do it once
i started with the whole leave them awake and it only even worked for short periods. Son is under observation for ADHD and struggles to switch off.
Totally worth the 20-30minutes laying with them to know I am done for the night and they won't reappear!!

It sounds like they are playing you and totally taking the piss, personally I would be tougher/stricter with them
Maybe introduce a reward system I have friends that used a reward system which worked for them
I’m a mum of twins my two had a bedtime routine from birth when they were about 18 months one of them started creating a fuss getting up crying I just went up told him he had to get in to bed and go to sleep I gave him a cuddle and a kiss and that was the end of it I think they were 9/10 when I stopped reading them a bed time story because they enjoyed reading themselves so they got half an hour to read in bed then it was lights out they are now 16 and still have a bedtime
good luck 🤞🏻

Mine are 9 & 11 and haven't done “bedtime” for a good couple of years or more. At 8:30 (9 at weekend) they do their teeth, give us a hug and take themselves off to bed. Eldest goes straight to sleep, youngest reads for a bit then goes to sleep. Only thing we have do is turn her light off when we go to bed ourselves.

More than likely you're starting bedtime too early, I would move everything half an hour later, so lights out 7:30-8

Mine are 6 and 8 and both still need put to bed by a parent. But my partner and I now take it in turns, the youngest is put to bed first then the older one, just by one of us. That way, we're getting a "night off" every second night and it doesn't feel quite so suffocating. Get your kids to a point where they can be put to bed by one adult then you're able to take turns and spread the load.

I have teens, I miss the bedtime routine 😢