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Original poster

Am I a bad person for not spending Christmas at my Dads when he is alone?

113 replies

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:31

My Dad is 81 and lives alone (10 mins drive from us ) he has a dog.
He is very stuck in his ways and spends Christmas in his house every year (how he likes it )
I'm 33 and had a baby 8 months ago (didn't think I would ever be fortunate )
Anyway every year I always stay at my dads Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with him and see partner during the day.
This year we bought a house and had a baby and I really want to spend Christmas in my house and not stay at my dads Christmas Eve (also it's my birthday Christmas Eve )
So my plan was Christmas Eve morning go to dads for two hours then go out with partner and baby for some food and a carol service .
Go back to Dads at 4pm till 8 pm and then go home to have Christmas Eve at home.
Then go back to Dads Christmas Day at 10am

He is making me feel so guilty
Your leaving me alone Christmas Eve night?
To wake up alone Christmas Day ?
He doesn't get up till 9 am and il be back at 10

I keep crying thinking about it
Part of me thinks shall I just stay over
It's only a 1 bed bungalow so will be on sofa with baby in living room and partner will be at home.
It will cause hell with partner tho
Am I bad for doing this ?

OP posts:

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/12/2023 09:32

Don’t do this! Your dad is being an arse, no parent should pressure their child like this. Enjoy your first one being a mum x

margotrose · 18/12/2023 09:33

Your plans sound fine - he sounds grumpy and set in his ways.

Original poster

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:34

I just would love to spend it at home Christmas Eve night and start little traditions (even tho baby won't have a clue )
If I was there my dad would go to bed at 10 anyway so it just seems pointless anyway

OP posts:

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LubaLuca · 18/12/2023 09:35

I think you're being more than fair, so stick with your plans.

SgtJuneAckland · 18/12/2023 09:35

Can he stay at yours?

cardibach · 18/12/2023 09:36

I have woken in my own in Christmas morning for years (ever since DD got her own place). It's not a big deal. Don't let him guilt trip you, he's not a child, he can handle it.

Original poster

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:36

@SgtJuneAckland he won't ,he likes his house and his house alone unfortunately

OP posts:

KnowThyself · 18/12/2023 09:36

When my DS leaves home if he offered that sort of scenario I would be delighted. I thought you were going to relay how you were leaving him totally alone. I think your plan is fine.

Octavia64 · 18/12/2023 09:37

Your plan is perfectly reasonable.

Worldgonecrazy · 18/12/2023 09:37

Your dad is being selfish. You are a new mum and allowed to be selfish. My dad also does a guilt thing but I have learned to ignore him.

Is there an option that you can invite your dad to stay with you at Christmas. Even if he refuses you will have made the offer and can feel less bad.

It is his choice to be alone at Christmas, so this is on him, not you.

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 09:39

So you’re still seeing him on Christmas Eve, and spending Christmas Day with him… and he’s giving you grief. And you’re crying about it.

This really doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic at all. He sounds very controlling.

Janefx40 · 18/12/2023 09:39

I think I would gently say to Dad that things will change a little now you have a baby as Christmas is so special for kids especially as they get older. But you want him to be a part of it and he will also get to share the magic of having a baby at Christmas. So he can either stay with you or you will come around visiting like you suggested already.

What you have offered is more than fair.

You may find that next year he will want to stay with you as he sees the joy of spending Christmas with his grandson!

Life has changed but for the better.

Don't feel bad. You are a very thoughtful daughter?

Janefx40 · 18/12/2023 09:39

SgtJuneAckland · 18/12/2023 09:40

I think if it's practical that's what you offer, if you don't want to be alone dad come and stay with us, if he declines it's his choice, HIBU to expect you to spend a night on his sofa with a small baby!

Pelham678 · 18/12/2023 09:40

Don't let him guilt you. Your baby is your priority now. You are already being very considerate. If he is set in his ways and won't come to you, then he will be on his own. His choice.

Some people have to learn that they can't get everything their own way. Age doesn't come into it I'm afraid.

NoKateMoss · 18/12/2023 09:42

Your plan is extremely generous, too generous. I really hope you stay at home with your partner on your child's first Christmas, and your birthday.

This is one of those ones where people's (your dad) selfishness blows me away.

FeetupTvon · 18/12/2023 09:44

I think your father is very lucky that you are spending the amount of time that you are.
You sound like a very dedicated daughter and your dad is lucky to have you. Don’t let him control you though.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2023 09:44

If he refuses to bend, don't you pander to him.
Your offer of time is very generous, don't let him guilt trip you into changing.
Nothing will ever be good enough unless you do exactly what he wants, so do what suits you, guilt free

Original poster

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:48

Up until last year I used to stay at his twice a week too and leave my partner alone.
My partner hated that and it caused arguments.
If my dad had a partner it wouldn't be like this and I could enjoy my life without guilt but here we are.

OP posts:

scoobs321 · 18/12/2023 09:49

He sounds rather childish, at his age surely he can wake up on his own on christmas morning, you have been more than accommodating and I would definately not be staying overnight with a new baby - they are your priority now.

Original poster

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:50

I wish it was Boxing Day already
He will be out with his friends to the pub and won't want me over ,so I can enjoy Boxing Day /New Years eve /day at home.

OP posts:

DuploTrain · 18/12/2023 09:54

It’s really unhealthy for you to be constantly feeling responsible for your dad’s happiness.

Concentrate on your partner and baby and see your dad when convenient. If it’s not convenient, tell him. If he’s unpleasant about it, see and speak to him less, not more!

HollyFern1110 · 18/12/2023 09:55

You aren't leaving him alone at Christmas. You are seeing him on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day.

He should have a word with himself for making you feel guilty. He doesn't even have a spare bedroom for you & your partner & baby to use.

You sound like a very loving, caring daughter. He needs to realise he's very lucky!

LaviniasBigBloomers · 18/12/2023 09:55

Christmas morning in my own house with my own child is a non-negotiable for me and has been ever since DS was born. You are doing more than enough, you're allowed to start your own traditions.

Yoyoban · 18/12/2023 10:00

Every time he tries to guilt you just repeat that it's his choice not to come to yours.

You are being more than generous with the amount of to-ing and fro-ing you're doing. It's completely normal for you to spend Christmas completely at yours with your new baby and partner. Don't let him make you feel responsible for his decisions

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