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Original poster

Am I a bad person for not spending Christmas at my Dads when he is alone?

113 replies

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:31

My Dad is 81 and lives alone (10 mins drive from us ) he has a dog.
He is very stuck in his ways and spends Christmas in his house every year (how he likes it )
I'm 33 and had a baby 8 months ago (didn't think I would ever be fortunate )
Anyway every year I always stay at my dads Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with him and see partner during the day.
This year we bought a house and had a baby and I really want to spend Christmas in my house and not stay at my dads Christmas Eve (also it's my birthday Christmas Eve )
So my plan was Christmas Eve morning go to dads for two hours then go out with partner and baby for some food and a carol service .
Go back to Dads at 4pm till 8 pm and then go home to have Christmas Eve at home.
Then go back to Dads Christmas Day at 10am

He is making me feel so guilty
Your leaving me alone Christmas Eve night?
To wake up alone Christmas Day ?
He doesn't get up till 9 am and il be back at 10

I keep crying thinking about it
Part of me thinks shall I just stay over
It's only a 1 bed bungalow so will be on sofa with baby in living room and partner will be at home.
It will cause hell with partner tho
Am I bad for doing this ?

OP posts:
Christmasmug · 18/12/2023 12:01

It's just he expects me to be there 24/7

He can expect all he likes OP, doesn't mean you have to fall in with those expectations! What do you think would happen if you just said 'no'? It's entirely normal for adult children to create their own lives, families and traditions and your DF is being very selfish and unreasonable not to actively want that for you, the whole point of being a parent is to raise your kids to become independent human beings who can function without you isn't it? Confused

What I'm trying to point out is that it's your DF whose thinking is skewed here, what you want is completely normal and more than reasonable/considerate so don't let him make you feel you're in the wrong. Not one person on this thread has said you're unreasonable, quite the opposite so don't let him make you feel you are Flowers

TrashedSofa · 18/12/2023 12:32

If you haven't already, I'd invite him to stay over even though you know he won't, so it's clear he's the one making the choice.

Twiglets1 · 18/12/2023 12:56

Your Dad is being unreasonable and what you are proposing is fine, don't worry any more about it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
beachcomber70 · 18/12/2023 12:59

He's being ridiculous and selfish. I'm in my 70's.live on my own and will be here on my own on Christmas day, my choice. I'll see one son and his family on Christmas Eve...and the other and his family on Boxing day.

Your plans sound absolutely fine to me and more than I would expect. Don't feel guilty, you sound caring and considerate. You're 33. You're an adult with a partner and a child, stick to your plan, do not waver. Your Dad is being illogical and his [childish] whining is not going improve anything, just alienate you more.

Riverstep · 18/12/2023 13:00

You are being perfectly reasonable so don’t budge.

Beenalongwinter · 18/12/2023 13:01

Your dad chooses go to the pub and not to join you on Christmas Day .
You sound like a lovely daughter.
Let him make his choice.

shiningstar2 · 18/12/2023 13:08

You have been very generous with your time for your dad and this year's plan for him is also kind and generous. Now that you have a baby it is the very best time to change the way you do Christmas.pleade don't leave it until next year. If you stay over when it's your baby's first Christmas your dad will think that there's no reason not to do this on repeat. Some old people can be very self centred. If your dad can't understand that things have changed this year with a new baby, he will always put his own wishes first. You have hit the nail on the head when you say he won't want you boxing day when he's sorted with his mates. He wants the timetable to run around him. You love your dad, make a sensible timetable to spend some time with him over Christmas but don't run yourself ragged. This is your time with your new baby and partner. Enjoy. This time will never come again. I speak as one who has overdone the parent people pleasing at times and I have to admit that when I pulled back a little I was more appreciated than when I ran around too much. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. 💐

Mammajay · 18/12/2023 13:23

An objective view point..he is being an arse and should be ashamed of himself. I speak as a grandmother. Your first family is you, your partner and baby. He is not.

Lollypop701 · 18/12/2023 13:35

So he only wants you there when he has nothing else to do? Sorry but I agree with @Nicole1111 and now is the year to do it as you have had a baby.

Invite him over and if he says no I’d go Christmas Day with a dinner for him if he’s not cooking and stay for a few hours. Pop in for an hour on Christmas Eve before you start whatever traditions you want to have perhaps.

if you do what you suggest this year he will expect it next year, and as baby gets older it’s less do able anyway. unless his house is child proof it’s a pain in the bum running round after them to stop them hurting themselves or grabbing something they shouldn’t have.

Abouttimemum · 18/12/2023 13:41

You don’t need to stay over, he’s being ridiculous, and quite frankly you don’t need to go over twice on Xmas eve either.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 18/12/2023 13:46

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:48

Up until last year I used to stay at his twice a week too and leave my partner alone.
My partner hated that and it caused arguments.
If my dad had a partner it wouldn't be like this and I could enjoy my life without guilt but here we are.

Wow reading this it's a much bigger issue than Christmas day. You sound like you are doing so much already. You have a new family and that elbows him out a bit but such is life and that's how it should be. You are spending Christmas eve and day with him and he is whining about waking up alone. Lord above. He sounds like a 4 yr old. Stick to what you are doing, he will have to learn the hard way that you are not his carer but his daughter and a mother. Your baby and partner are priority now.

caringcarer · 18/12/2023 13:50

LubaLuca · 18/12/2023 09:35

I think you're being more than fair, so stick with your plans.

This. You are still spending a lot of time with your Dad. It's your life, your choice.

furtivetussling · 18/12/2023 14:08

No, you are not a bad person.

That is all.

hellsBells246 · 18/12/2023 14:18

It's time for you to start your own traditions with your family.

Why don't you stay at home and ask your dad to come over for part of Xmas day?

He's behaving very badly.

hellsBells246 · 18/12/2023 14:22

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 11:31

Honestly my whole life is trying to please my dad.
I just can't escape it
I know next year needs to change
His perfectly healthy ,independent
Not a frail old man as you might assume for over 80.
He decorates,cooks,goes out etc etc
It's just he expects me to be there 24/7

This is so sad. You're spending so much time upset and worrying about how you can please him. Do you think he's doing the same? No way.

I'd tell him now that you don't have time to be running around to his every two minutes, that you have a family and dc. Ask him to yours if you'd like to see him. If he says no, he's made his decision.

I'd also tell him now that the overnights will stop.

Do you like seeing him?

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/12/2023 14:23

You are being more than generous with your time. I'd be spending a lot more of Christmas Eve at home.

Namenamchange · 18/12/2023 14:28

It’s interesting that your dad thinks it’s not ok to be away from his child at Christmas, but it’s ok for your dh to be away from his child.

You’ve made plenty of compromises, it’s up to your dad to accept. Personally, I’d tell him he needs to come to you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2023 14:44

It's obviously that being massively generous and more than reasonable won't please him. That leaves either doing what you've always done, which makes you, your partner and eventually your child miserable OR please yourself and do a normal amount.

A normal amount is... Spend YOUR BIRTHDAY having a lovely time with your partner. Hopefully there's cake and birthday presents in birthday paper. Maybe breakfast in bed, maybe a cute handprint on a card. Then on Christmas Day you pop over for a couple (maybe a few) hours. Going home after.

And a normal, caring father would think that was great and be happy.

user1497207191 · 18/12/2023 14:48

I hate this kind of emotional blackmail. You're a mother now, you have your own home and a partner. You BELONG in your own home at Christmas! You're being more than reasonable in going to see him so often - he should be bloody grateful as most wouldn't pander so much!

user1497207191 · 18/12/2023 14:49

@MrsTerryPratchett

And a normal, caring father would think that was great and be happy.

Well said. "Normal" parents don't emotionally blackmail their kids.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 18/12/2023 14:54

I'm curious OP, why does he want you there so much. Is it to cook / clean for him or does he just want someone to talk to? Is he recently bereaved? It sounds like a very unusual relationship, he sounds co-dependant and needy. I'm wondering was he like this with your mother or previous partners.

Hibernatalie · 18/12/2023 14:57

Personally, I would tell him he in invited to mine for Christmas for as long or short as he likes, but I'm now a parent so I will be at my own home for Christmas.

Why does he get to have a preference to stay home and you don't?

Soontobe60 · 18/12/2023 14:59

I’m afraid your DF is being unreasonable. I’d be telling him that you’ll pop round on Christmas Eve for a bit, then see him for an hour on Christmas Day, and that he’s more than welcome to spend the day at yours if he wants.

Wishimaywishimight · 18/12/2023 15:01

I was about to say YWBU not to see your elderly dad over Christmas however I then read the OP fully and you are spending loads of time with him!

Stop crying, surely you can see you are being more than reasonable and very generous with your time.

Don't let him make a big deal about it. If you go along with his narrative it will only re-enforce for him that you are doing something wrong. You are not!

Enjoy Christmas with your new family, your dad has nothing to complain about.

Wishimaywishimight · 18/12/2023 15:04

You need to start detaching a little (or a lot!) from your dad, you really should have started this as soon as you had a baby but it's never too late.

Cut back gradually on the visits / phone calls, whatever you are doing. You have more than enough on your plate with a baby of your own. Your dad sounds like he's well able to manage by himself and, even when he's not, your relationship is so enmeshed that you need to be able to stand back a bit and let him pay for help when the time comes.