Am I a bad person for not spending Christmas at my Dads when he is alone?

[ohhonoo]

My Dad is 81 and lives alone (10 mins drive from us ) he has a dog.
He is very stuck in his ways and spends Christmas in his house every year (how he likes it )
I'm 33 and had a baby 8 months ago (didn't think I would ever be fortunate )
Anyway every year I always stay at my dads Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with him and see partner during the day.
This year we bought a house and had a baby and I really want to spend Christmas in my house and not stay at my dads Christmas Eve (also it's my birthday Christmas Eve )
So my plan was Christmas Eve morning go to dads for two hours then go out with partner and baby for some food and a carol service .
Go back to Dads at 4pm till 8 pm and then go home to have Christmas Eve at home.
Then go back to Dads Christmas Day at 10am

He is making me feel so guilty
Your leaving me alone Christmas Eve night?
To wake up alone Christmas Day ?
He doesn't get up till 9 am and il be back at 10

I keep crying thinking about it
Part of me thinks shall I just stay over
It's only a 1 bed bungalow so will be on sofa with baby in living room and partner will be at home.
It will cause hell with partner tho
Am I bad for doing this ?

This is nuts OP. You're separated from your partner on your birthday because an old man refuses to compromise? You should be crying about that! Not his guilt trips. Has he forgotten you're not his spouse?!

I can't believe you're sleeping on the floor/sofa and having your own Christmas ruined year after year. You're too old for this nonsense. You've a partner, a home and a child of your own. Your dad is 10min away and has a dog so presumably can walk that far. He should be visiting you.

You don't exist to be his carer, his substitute friend or to step into your mum's shoes now she's gone. If he doesn't want to be alone he needs to make some effort to make friends, find a partner, join a day center or take up a sociable hobby. Then he could do numerous visits and attend various Christmas parties or dinners.

Or he could join his family on Christmas day at their home like any sensible person would. You're there for him, you're not excluding him. He needs to get a grip and realise the world doesn't revolve around him.

Op you have your own little family now and they need to come first. You need to rebalance things.

It's hard & your DF isn't helping matters but just do it for you and have Christmas Eve at home & let Santa come to your house

Have a lovely time & hope dc enjoys the wrapping paper on Christmas morning

Remember it's also your dc and dp's first Christmas xx

I think having the baby now throws the whole skewed dynamic into sharp relief but even if the OP were single and without a child, the fathers expectations and attitude would be unacceptable. He is a selfish man who clearly loves himself far more than his daughter and seems wholly undeserving of the level of care and attention he is getting. There are so many lovely, kind people who are genuinely alone at Christmas (and always), who does he think he is?

My dad is on his own this year. I feel no guilt. He existed in a bubble with my mum, never maintained extended family relationships, never created any friendships in his entire adult life - I don't feel it's my job to fill that gap when I'm already really busy. My parents never invited me over as an adult - or anyone else, they were quite happy in their little selfish world of two and you reap what you sow unfortunately!

My own family comes first as should yours OP.

I have a dad the same age, has a dog, lives 10 mins away and set in his ways too.

I will be collecting him around 1pm on Christmas Day and taking him home early evening, same Boxing Day.

Christmas Eve and morning it's all about the children, although mine are teens now.

You are entitled to create your own traditions. Put your foot down now you have your own child.

You can’t be made to live like this. Pop in and see him Christmas Eve, tell him you will be having Christmas at home with your new family (invite him to join you if he wants) Do not let him emotionally manipulate you any longer. Your baby and partner are your priority now. He is being incredibly selfish. He doesn’t want to be alone but it’s fine if your partner is and doesn’t see their partner and child? The dynamic between you doesn’t sound healthy. I would suggest maybe getting some therapy to help you find the strength to change it going forward. Good luck

If he's able to go to the pub with his friends he's able to travel to your house.

Put boundaries in place now as this is the first Xmas with your child. Otherwise you set the scene for, potentially, another 15 years.

Next time he feels guilty simply tell him he's more than welcome to stay at your house if he doesn't want to wake alone, being alone in his choice. Personally I'd not bother with all the back and forth. I'd see him either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day

You are categorically not a bad person. I have seen members of my own family permanently destroy their lives and mental health because they subsumed their needs to those of their parents.

When your father was your age, with young children, I doubt he was doing what he expects from you. As everyone upstream has said it's unreasonable and, bluntly, extremely selfish. It's really tough, but you have to make your own decisions about a reasonable amount of time to spend with him and then stick to them (despite the guilt). What's reasonable depends on what you can manage within your own current personal constellation (probably not that much if you have a young child) and what your father's actual needs are. You said he is healthy and socially integrated, so your plan (without staying over) already sounds pretty unreasonably skewed towards meeting his desire for company against your needs and desires

Absolutely put in place your own boundaries and remember it's not your dad who gets to 'decide' whether you have been a loving, caring daughter (which is clearly important to you), it's YOU.

I really hope you have a lovely Christmas with a lot of time to enjoy being with your partner and baby. I also hope you can take a lot of support and strength from everyone's comments on this thread. It's a very tough situation to navigate, I know.

You aren't leaving him alone.

You are spending loads of time with him and just sleeping in your own bed.

If he doesn't want to be alone xmas morning he can stay in bed until 10am!

I think now is the time, as you have a small baby needing you, to cut the ties with DF. His behaviour is very selfish, cruel even - and believe me as he gets older and frailer he will be more demanding. Whilst he is fit and has friends make the break. Stay away if he spends his time guilting you.

He could have made friends to spend Xmas with, he could cook dinner for his friends and invite them round, he could go to friends, he could spend one day home alone, walking the dog, watching his choice of tele. Don't let him bully you.

I would pop in on Xmas eve to see him on your birthday. Then nip him a lunch down in the afternoon on Xmas day.

You should be with your partner and baby.

Does your partner have parents?

If he is able to go out and see his mates on Boxing Day he is more than capable of coming to you on Christmas Day.

If he was a loving Dad there would be no guilt tripping from him

I feel that if my husband went to sleep at my mils house on Christmas eve when we had just had a baby I would seriously be reconsidering our marriage. Put your own family(partner and baby) first. Your dad sounds v controlling.