Am I a bad person for not spending Christmas at my Dads when he is alone?

[ohhonoo]

My Dad is 81 and lives alone (10 mins drive from us ) he has a dog.
He is very stuck in his ways and spends Christmas in his house every year (how he likes it )
I'm 33 and had a baby 8 months ago (didn't think I would ever be fortunate )
Anyway every year I always stay at my dads Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with him and see partner during the day.
This year we bought a house and had a baby and I really want to spend Christmas in my house and not stay at my dads Christmas Eve (also it's my birthday Christmas Eve )
So my plan was Christmas Eve morning go to dads for two hours then go out with partner and baby for some food and a carol service .
Go back to Dads at 4pm till 8 pm and then go home to have Christmas Eve at home.
Then go back to Dads Christmas Day at 10am

He is making me feel so guilty
Your leaving me alone Christmas Eve night?
To wake up alone Christmas Day ?
He doesn't get up till 9 am and il be back at 10

I keep crying thinking about it
Part of me thinks shall I just stay over
It's only a 1 bed bungalow so will be on sofa with baby in living room and partner will be at home.
It will cause hell with partner tho
Am I bad for doing this ?

I'd say that If your dad isn't willing to change how you do Christmas this year now that you have a little one, then you shouldn't either. It's your first Christmas with your baby, spend it exactly how you want to- in your own home. Make it clear to your dad that he is more than welcome to go to your house this year :)

He needs a good kick up the arse ala Bishop Brennan.

https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/fathertedcom/images/e/e4/Kicking_Bishop_Brennan_up_the_Arse.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120219165324

Crikey, you are being more than accommodating. There's a lot of going backwards and forwards between houses.
To be honest I'd leave him to it Christmas Eve and enjoy the day with your family, especially as it's your birthday. 8 months old is fabulous in terms of enjoying the first Christmas. You need to be having fun and creating memories/traditions rather than sat at your Dads having a glass of sherry and watching tv.

On Christmas Day - are you spending the time with him away from your little one and OH? Because that's not on at all. At all.

He sounds very (very) selfish.
He's got used to you being on tap and jumping to his tune when you have other priorities now (and totally justifiable ones!).
I'd say to him that things have to change now you are a mum. That you will be spending Christmas Eve at home. And on Christmas Day the options are that he either drives to you himself or one of you go and collect him) and that he spends the day (or a few hours over christmas lunch/dinner) at your house. Re the dog - presumably it's okay to be left for a few hours so can say at his house? Or is well behaved and come with him to yours? If he won't entertain that then go round to his for an hour maximum on Christmas Day (is he expecting you to cook his christmas dinner?)
It's really tricky to extract yourself but you have to start the process of disentangling and prioritising yourself, your little one and your partner.

I am not surprised it caused arguments😶 I would take that badly too and I wouldn't probably stay tbh.

You do your Christmas. Even going there at 10am when you were there until 8pm night before is quite generous actually considering you have baby and partner and will have to rush morning instead of enjoying it. I would honestly do after 12...
Your dad is being an absolute arse.

We have a similar situation with an elderly relative. They refuse to come to our homes on Christmas Day and their bungalow is not appropriate for hosting Christmas.

My self and my siblings are very clear they are welcome at our homes. We will pick up and drop them home at their request. They refuse the offer every year, so apart from one of us dropping round a Xmas dinner round in the day, they stay home alone.

We ensure there are visitors on the days leading up and after Christmas Day. One person cannot be allowed to dictate everyone else's day/plans, especially if there are genuine offers for them to be included.

You are being very inconsiderate to your partner if you continue this.

What a lovely, caring daughter you are. I honestly thought you wanted validation for leaving an old man on his own all over Christmas. Your dad is being a grumpy old man, set in his ways. This year you can start to break that thread and get him used to the idea that dynamics have changed. I think you should definitely stay home on Christmas Eve (maybe pop in during the day) and then all go to your dad's on Christmas Day for lunch, though I realise he probably won't cook it, and then leave around 6pm. He'll probably be worn out by then with the addition of a new baby.

However, I don't think it's fair for your partner to cause arguments about your dad. Christmas is a time for families and you happen to have a (widowed?) father. Your partner is lucky if he doesn't have such emotional responsibilities. Life is generally about compromises I'm afraid.

Your Dad sounds incredibley selfish and it sounds like he has worn you down over the years. Of course you should stay with your family it's not even like he hasn't got his own social life going on.

Stick to your plan. Your dad can come to yours if he wants company. And as he chooses not to then that's on him.

Start putting your family first.Hes old enough to know he can get a taxi to yours on Christmas day. Life changes when you have a family and they come first. I think its mean spirited that he's making you feel guilty, you need to stop letting him dictate your life.Yes its hard but he's 80 odd, he's had his prime of life, it's now your turn. He could live another 10/20 years and you have missed doing all the magical Christmas mornings with your child. My dad would never put me in this position though I have had moments of guilt, he would always reassure me that its my time and he's had his.

Well then.
He has an option to stay with you. This is what happens when children leave home and have a family of their own.
Sleeping on the sofa is not an option for you.
He shouldn’t be guilt tripping you.

You are seeing plenty of him over the Christmas, he’s being very silly not coming to you.

OP, you are not a bad person! Do whatever you want to do - there are no rules.

I’m so sorry your father isn’t able to put you and his grandchild first.
Is it worth trying to sit down with him and explain that your priorities have obviously shifted since having your own child and that you really hope he’ll support you.
I think you should offer to pick him up and take him to your house where you live with your baby on Christmas Eve so he can stay with you if he doesn’t want to be alone, and if he doesn’t want to then he doesn’t have to. It sounds like you’ve ended up with a halfway house that no one will enjoy.
My father is a similar age and also lives alone and would absolutely never expect me to run around after him like this.

This is the year to set the precedent so choose your actions carefully.

Yes you can change at any year, so don't feel overwhelmed or stuck but it's a good opportunity nonetheless.

You've just had a baby. Your hormones will still be in flux. Your needs and desires are important too.

Think about how much back and forth you'd want when your little one is a bit older.

Keep the invitation to yours open, there's no need for him to be alone and entirely understandable ti want to be at home but you've had a baby and things are going to be different going forwards.

Change is hard so it's normal for him ti be upset, Christmas is a week today so it's quite late to be ironing out the details, but don't sacrifice all your joy to accommodate someone who won't reciprocate.

You're not too far away. Everyone can have a bit of what they want. Don't be wishing Christmas day over, just set some boundaries so you can enjoy it.

You’re too enmeshed with your dad. Stay at home this year and just stay calm and grey rock his guilt trips. You must be strong now and start a new tradition. The clue is you are being manipulated into doing something you don’t want to do, crying, deeply upset - it’s control. You have every right to say no and set new boundaries.

You shouldn't be pandering to him like this. You're married with a child, you shouldn't be sleeping over at your dad's unless he's very ill! You really need some boundaries and to stick to them. No more sleep overs on the sofa, unless he's very ill. Welcome him to your house for Christmas dinner, the choice is his to make. I once had very poor boundaries with my parents, they were disabled and asked far too much of me. I got married and had children, and realised how selfish my mother in particular was being. They weren't interested in my children, just saw them as an inconvenience as it hindered me from helping like I did pre children. My husband told me, we are married with kids so to make new boundaries. I decided that I would always help with groceries and medical appointments, but no more running around after them. At first it felt difficult saying "no, sorry but I'll see you on x", but it soon became easier and my life got better. I prioritied my children and husband, unless my parents were ill. You really need to do the same thing and set a good example for your child.

I wouldn’t sleep on a sofa bed a 10 min drive from my house even if I didn’t have a new baby!

You have your own family, a baby.
I was expecting you to say that you’d be spending the whole Christmas Day at home with partner and baby. Which is what most people would do!!

You are already doing plenty with all the back and forth. And tbh I’d reduce it next year (if not this year)

Your bloody Father is being ridiculous.

Your plan sounds fine so stick to it and don't feel guilty.

Honestly my whole life is trying to please my dad.
I just can't escape it
I know next year needs to change
His perfectly healthy ,independent
Not a frail old man as you might assume for over 80.
He decorates,cooks,goes out etc etc
It's just he expects me to be there 24/7

Really, it's our responsibility as individuals to meet and keep people in our lives if we want them there. It really winds me up when people who are antisocial for so much of the year then want to summon everyone for birthdays, Christmas etc. You have to make an effort if you don't want to be alone! And I say that as someone who really has to remind herself to make an effort sometimes!
You are doing the right thing, your dad can't have been expecting things to never change as that's just so unreasonable.

Nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. Stick to your guns OP and set a new norm. You sound very caring to your father and he should be grateful. Some old people can become so selfish I find and entitled and need boundaries . Congrats on your baby and enjoy your first Xmas together X

I’m not leaving you alone dad, you’re choosing to be alone as you have the option to come to ours. Now i’m a mum I have to put my little one first and that means a Christmas at home with our own beds. We hope to see you over the holiday season but if not have a very merry Christmas.

Sorry but your dad is being a selfish, miserable old git. What you were planning, all that running about to and fro was above and beyond and he ought to have been grateful at the suggestion.

Spend Christmas Eve/morning with your partner and little one and enjoy it. The first one is lovely so don’t let the grumpy sod ruin it for you.

We have kids/grandchild and make no demands whatsoever.

This is perfect. It's his choice if he doesn't want to change how he spends Christmas Day. You have a family and you need to be with them, and he is welcome to join you at your home if he wishes.