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Original poster

Am I a bad person for not spending Christmas at my Dads when he is alone?

113 replies

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:31

My Dad is 81 and lives alone (10 mins drive from us ) he has a dog.
He is very stuck in his ways and spends Christmas in his house every year (how he likes it )
I'm 33 and had a baby 8 months ago (didn't think I would ever be fortunate )
Anyway every year I always stay at my dads Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with him and see partner during the day.
This year we bought a house and had a baby and I really want to spend Christmas in my house and not stay at my dads Christmas Eve (also it's my birthday Christmas Eve )
So my plan was Christmas Eve morning go to dads for two hours then go out with partner and baby for some food and a carol service .
Go back to Dads at 4pm till 8 pm and then go home to have Christmas Eve at home.
Then go back to Dads Christmas Day at 10am

He is making me feel so guilty
Your leaving me alone Christmas Eve night?
To wake up alone Christmas Day ?
He doesn't get up till 9 am and il be back at 10

I keep crying thinking about it
Part of me thinks shall I just stay over
It's only a 1 bed bungalow so will be on sofa with baby in living room and partner will be at home.
It will cause hell with partner tho
Am I bad for doing this ?

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 18/12/2023 15:07

Breaking thus cycle will be painful, but it's also the best Christmas present you could give yourself (and your dd and dp).

I'd ring him back and say something like "me and the baby will drop in on Christmas Eve before lunch to see you for a couple of hours then as for Christmas Day, you are welcome to come to ours (we can collect you at 11am), or if you would rather stay home, I'll run you a plated Christmas lunch round and stay for a glass of wine at about 5pm on Christmas day - your shout which you'd prefer"

gamerchick · 18/12/2023 15:10

You're a parent now OP. Your dad will have to come to terms with that his bairns grown up with a family of her own.

If you cave, he'll double down next year and may try to tie you in tighter to his bidding. Stick to your guns.

wp65 · 18/12/2023 15:21

It would be interesting to have a think about what your family dynamic was like growing up, OP. Because you do seem to have had it really impressed upon you that your needs don't matter, or at least matter less than other people's. Has your dad always been selfish and controlling? Is it just you and him in your family? You don't have to answer these questions, but we all internalise the messages we receive while we're growing up, and from the outside this dynamic between you and your dad looks really unhealthy. You sound lonely and it's hard to break longstanding patterns but this Christmas might be a good time to begin to redraw some boundaries.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Events & celebrations
Ju1ieAndrews · 18/12/2023 15:35

You are not leaving him alone, he is choosing not to come to your house and be with you.

So next time he tries to guilt you, just remind him that he's welcome to join you but it's his decision if he doesn't and enjoy your Christmas at home.

Ju1ieAndrews · 18/12/2023 15:36

You are not leaving him alone, he is choosing not to come to your house and be with you.

So next time he tries to guilt you, just remind him that he's welcome to join you but it's his decision if he doesn't and enjoy your Christmas at home.

Princessfluffy · 18/12/2023 15:43

Your dad is an emotional black mailer. This is very disrespectful way for him to treat you.
Stand firm OP. He is not respectful of your needs or the needs of your partner and child. He is not being the adult in this relationship so you need to be. Tell him when you will be spending time with him. Balance this with the needs of your child and DH and also your own needs.

NaughtybutNice77 · 18/12/2023 15:54

Of course your not being unreasonable. Millions of people spend Xmas eve on their own, some even Xmas day. Surely he's not that dense/selfish to think his adult daughter is going to prioritise him above herself/own family.
I wouldn't even go round in the morning. I might invite him round for dinner though. You want to be in your own home with your family Christmas morning....maybe in your PJs with a glass of fizz. You shouldnt feel the need to drag out especially if youve made 2 calls the day before. You're 10mins away. He can get a taxi or walk.
If he doesn't want to leave the dog, emphasise it's just an animal. When he explains that his pet is like family you can say, well that's lovely Dad, you're not alone then are you. You stay at home with your family.

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2023 16:00

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:48

Up until last year I used to stay at his twice a week too and leave my partner alone.
My partner hated that and it caused arguments.
If my dad had a partner it wouldn't be like this and I could enjoy my life without guilt but here we are.

You really, really need to pull back quite a lot. This isn't normal - the amount of time you spend at your dad's, the way he's so demanding about it, and the way you've been made to feel guilty. I'm sure you don't know anyone else who dances to their father's tune like this, especially when they have a partner or baby.

Your dad is a selfish, demanding man, he's chipped away at you and I'm not surprised your partner is annoyed.

tokesqueen · 18/12/2023 16:09

ohhonoo · 18/12/2023 09:36

@SgtJuneAckland he won't ,he likes his house and his house alone unfortunately

And you like yours. And you get to choose too.
Set a precedent going forward and do what you want.
His wants and expectations will only escalate as he ages and becomes frailer. Start to back away now.
He has to get used to your priorities changing.

Darklane · 18/12/2023 16:46

I agree with what everyone else is saying.
Please don’t guilt trip yourself about this. This year is the time to make changes,if you don’t he’ll expect you to jump to his plans every year forever. You’ve every reason for this to be the watershed, a new baby, a home of your home, time to start building family traditions for your child. To expect you to sleep on his sofa with a new baby is unbelievably selfish. My dad died last year at 98, there’s no way he would have dreamed of making such demands or having such expectations though he had been a widower for decades.
I think you should be home for Christmas Eve, such a magical time for children, I know at 8 months they don’t understand much but you can still share the magic. You could visit dad in the afternoon & then invite him round for Christmas dinner at yours to share it with his new family. Honestly, if he can’t think that would be a wonderful thing,the joy of a new family for him, then he’s just a selfish, controlling old fool who doesn’t deserve such a loving daughter as you. Don’t let him blackmail you with guilt……please.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2023 17:42

Don't feel guilty one bit, OP.

Notalldogs23 · 18/12/2023 18:37

Your Dad is really taking advantage of you - time to put your foot down, your daughter comes first now.

I would invite him to yours for Xmas Day, even offer a lift, up to him to come or not.

Brightredtulips · 18/12/2023 21:42

Oh my goodness, I hate posts like this. Go and spend Xmas day with him for fucks sake. You don't need to stay over on Xmas eve.You only live 10 mins away from him! Do you know how lucky you are? Lunch, wee bit of telly and presents. Spend this time with him.If its upsetting you so much then listen to your heart. Imagine yourself in his position. You will have lots of Christmases without him.

Aroundthewaygirl · 18/12/2023 21:59

Awwww that's sweet that you love your dad so much. He's being selfish. My mom would guilt trip me all the time too, it was really damaging and caused me to miss out on so many things because I never wanted to disappoint her or have her upset with me. I wish I had established boundaries when I was younger, parents like this have to know that you can't be pushed into doing things just for them when it's not what you want. You stick with your plan, and don't back down. Eventually he will have to accept you have a family now and things change and they are the priority.

Maddy70 · 18/12/2023 22:03

Offer for him to stay Xmas eve night, If he refuses then that's on him. Stick to your very reasonable plan

Northernsouloldies · 18/12/2023 22:09

Op that's a helluva and well thought out comprimise that could only come from someone with a good heart your dad is lucky to have you. Hopefully you have a nice Christmas. 😁.

Santashelperisonstrike · 18/12/2023 22:14

A baby is the perfect excuse- your dad should be grateful you aren’t one of those parents who think the world should revolve around their pfb!

you should take a leaf out of their book…baby doesn’t sleep well in other places. DF would end up being awake half the night because the baby is crying.

Can’t believe he’d let a mum and 7mo sleep on his sofa rather than go home 10 minutes away.

or you could say you’ll only stay over xmas eve if he babysits on Boxing Day 😉 …then you’ll see how family oriented he is when it affects his night out!

fitnessmummy · 18/12/2023 22:19

ginasevern · 18/12/2023 10:40

What a lovely, caring daughter you are. I honestly thought you wanted validation for leaving an old man on his own all over Christmas. Your dad is being a grumpy old man, set in his ways. This year you can start to break that thread and get him used to the idea that dynamics have changed. I think you should definitely stay home on Christmas Eve (maybe pop in during the day) and then all go to your dad's on Christmas Day for lunch, though I realise he probably won't cook it, and then leave around 6pm. He'll probably be worn out by then with the addition of a new baby.

However, I don't think it's fair for your partner to cause arguments about your dad. Christmas is a time for families and you happen to have a (widowed?) father. Your partner is lucky if he doesn't have such emotional responsibilities. Life is generally about compromises I'm afraid.

This! Exactly this! You do so need to talk to your partner too. You don't need the extra guilt

Northernsouloldies · 18/12/2023 22:25

I'll be honest didn't rtft at first, sorry to say your dad is unfortunately a selfish git. Yes you help him in lots of ways but the world doesn't revolve around him.

Cornishclio · 18/12/2023 22:29

Tell him you have a partner, your own house and a baby now and he is not the only person you have responsibilities towards. Your plan to go over and spend a few hours with him is fine. Get him used to the way things will be from now on. Loads of people wake up alone Christmas morning. If he won't come to yours he has to accept he will be alone.

CrotchetyQuaver · 18/12/2023 22:47

The baby is your priority now, not your dad. He's going to need to adapt if be left behind. Of course you're not unreasonable wanting to have it at your own place. I wouldn't be pandering to your dad at all, I'd be inviting him to yours for the day and none of this tearing yourself in half to keep him happy. He has 2 choices, accept the baby's changed everything and Christmas now takes place at yours and come home to sleep or have a lonely Christmas on his own because he'd rather make a point.

Throughabushbackwards · 19/12/2023 02:49

What a selfish old coote. Time to address how important it is for you to spend Christmas Day in your own home with your own child. Invite him to come to yours and enjoy the day too, if he declines it's on him.

Whatwouldnanado · 19/12/2023 03:12

If he is well and active get him on side and say you want to make your own traditions for the baby and he can help. Be blunt, say he must understand it’s impossible to stay over with the baby, and he could either stay with you on Christmas Eve or come over and help cooking Christmas Day. Talk about Christmas when you were a kid etc. You really need to put your foot down, little one comes first but he can be needed and involved.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 19/12/2023 03:55

Your Dad is being selfish. He is lucky that you have plans to spend so much time with him as it is. I never spent Christmas Eve with my parents once I had my own home - they were divorced anyway, so it was two separate houses - and just spent a few hours with them on Christmas Day. They never expected more.

lemmein · 19/12/2023 04:23

I think you should put your new baby and your DP first. In fact, no - I think you should put yourself first! Stop pandering to a grown man. If he can get his arse to the pub then he can get to his DDs for Christmas - if he chooses not to that isn't your problem.

My dads in his 70s and lives alone - no way would I do this!