Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Found messages from a year ago between my husband and his family. Do I let it go?

135 replies

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:17

Found messages between my husband and his family from a year ago. The messages are horrible.
They all spoke Ill of me. His brother suggested we don't share finances when I was heavily pregnant and to do 50/50 even though he earns 3 x more because "one day she'll earn more, it's like that sometimes, as the breadwinner you have rights and power of her, it's not unfair it's just like that" and mentions of how Im going to screw him over if we pull our finances before the kids are in nursery (he doesn't want to pay for nursery).
Messages with his mum when they speak absolute shit about me.
Messages of his mum calling me a hoe and implying she wishes our marriage fails.
Etc etc... absolutely vile

His family was also very abusive to me in real life in the past, especially his mother.
I'm a mind to tell them to fuck off and not go to theirs for Christmas like I had planned on doing, they clearly hate me, but it was one year ago.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/12/2023 21:35

Tinkerbyebye · 15/12/2023 19:43

Screen shot them, then go see a solicitor and see what your options are for leaving

Yes this is the best advice. Don't confront him yet. If your family are abroad and you want to see them he might put a prohibited steps order on your child to stop you leaving the country. Do you want to stay in the Uk or go to where your family are?

Forget the messages and confronting him- if you've made the decision to leave him you must seek legal advice first

Diaria · 15/12/2023 21:42

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:45

Yes I can, my lease ends in a month but I can go abroad see my family until I find somewhere new and then move right away

Show quote history

Seek legal advice and speak to citizen’s advice before you go anywhere.

There may be an issue if you abscond with DC without father’s consent.

You also need to find out about marital assets available to you.

Jazminlovestheflowers · 15/12/2023 21:50

What a bunch of freaks! ... him and his family btw. I am so so sorry this is happening to you, how hurtful that must of been to read. I hope in time you gain the confidence to leave this toxic shit show.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Lifesingflowers · 15/12/2023 22:08

@Turneas hey just want to say that I come from an Asian background and that is disgusting behaviour on their part, your husband doesn't have a backbone. In Asian culture the husband should be supporting their wife financially so they can't pick what they want to choose and not.

Itwasafterallallaboutme · 15/12/2023 22:10

I'm not sure what country you live in @Turneas?
I'm also not sure about how many children you have and their ages, but it seems like you have one who is coming up to one years old.

Please be aware that whatever you decide to do, and wherever you intend to go, that you take your child or children with you, and I am sorry to say this, but never let your husband or his family or friends, ever spend time with your offspring alone once you have told him/them that you are leaving. In fact OP, don't even hint that you might leave him. Please wait until you and the child/ren have left him, and are somewhere safe.

My biggest worry is that your husband and in-laws sound just like the sort of people who would abduct your child or children, and never give you the chance to see them again, at least not until they have grown up. Please take care OP, and I hope that by this time next year, you will be happily and safely settled in your new home, and very close to your supportive family.

Moonshine5 · 15/12/2023 22:18

EMUKE · 15/12/2023 20:53

Life is too short temper that… if you died tomorrow would you be happy or full filled? If I was you I would be planning my exit. There’s someone out there that would NEVER hear a bad word about you and would worship you (even with another man’s child) remember who you are… you don’t look after a house home and family to have ANYONE think bad about you. Your other half’s family should bring you in as if you were their own. Sending love and strength.

What a great post 👏

cerisepanther73 · 15/12/2023 22:18

@Itwasafterallallaboutme

I agree totally with your post

Sage insightful advice too.

AdoraBell · 15/12/2023 22:20

Haven’t read the whole thread, but could you take screenshots of the messages and email them to yourself? Or photos with your phone.

AdoraBell · 15/12/2023 22:28

Sorry, just seen your post re screen shot the messages.

What was he arrested for? Was that abusing you?

cerisepanther73 · 15/12/2023 22:28

typo mistake word about *

DoubleTime · 15/12/2023 22:36

How awful for you OP. What a betrayal. I would leave and not look back.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 15/12/2023 22:37

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:20

His mother treated me like absolute rubbish since day 1.

I want to go no contact with her but I don't know how to go about it.

No contact with her????
what about your lovely husband

You aren’t in a toxic relationship your in a toxic family You need to run and take the child with you .

This is vile I wouldn’t what my kid in this mess

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 15/12/2023 22:43

I’ve read your updates . I wouldn’t say a word to him or his family. I think you need to leave quietly start now by getting all your important stuff sneaked out the house. .
None of then will let you leave quietly especially with his baby.

You and baby are property not humans

Good luck and I really think you should leave. .
Go you your family like you say “for a holiday “ and then don’t go back to him

NalafromtheLionKing · 15/12/2023 22:53

You need to leave with your child and go to your family. Do not tell your husband, just get your ducks in a row and go.

He is basically a cancer and you mustn’t be distracted from that fact by his toxic family.

Tigger1895 · 15/12/2023 23:00

You already knew what you needed to do, it’s been confirmed now. GET OUT

Anele22 · 15/12/2023 23:22

Please keep your child close and safely with you OP. Go for Xmas if he plans on taking your child without you if you make an excuse not to go. Better to be there and keep an eye on your child

MaidOfSteel · 15/12/2023 23:48

Oh my goodness, OP. You do not deserve yo be treated like this. Especially by your own husband. He's not a good man. Please get away from him as soon as possible, and don't give him the opportunity to abuse you again, physically or emotionally.
Sending you very best wishes for a much calmer, better future

LuluBlakey1 · 16/12/2023 00:01

I find it hard to believe an Asian MIL used the word 'hoe' unless she also masquerades as a black American rap artist.

Copperoliverbear · 16/12/2023 00:12

I'd be telling him to leave too x

notacooldad · 16/12/2023 00:32

I'd get shut of the bloody lot of them.

user1492757084 · 16/12/2023 00:59

I am so sad that you remained with someone who abused you and can't seem to want to flee from someone who disrespects you.

thebestinterest · 16/12/2023 01:05

This is grounds for divorce, OP. That’s despicable. So sorry X

Frozensun · 16/12/2023 01:47

It may have been a year ago, but you’ve got clear evidence of what your partner (supposedly the one who has your back) thinks of you. Take your Bub and go to your family. I can’t see how your relationship can come back from this.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 02:23

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:20

I'm in a mind to do that.
But don't know if I'd be overreacting as it was a year ago. I just feel so betrayed.

Show quote history

It's not overreacting. Tigers don't change their stripes. You now know how ALL the family, including NVDH feels about you. You need to value yourself more than that. Start planning an exit strategy and do not go to his family's home for Christmas.

You have every right to feel betrayed because you HAVE been betrayed; mostly by the person who is married to you.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 02:28

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:45

Yes I can, my lease ends in a month but I can go abroad see my family until I find somewhere new and then move right away

Show quote history

Where does your family live? Will you be able to take your DC with you? PLEASE let your family know what has been happening, ALL of it. Let them help you get away and out of this abusive, unfair to you marriage.