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Original poster

Found messages from a year ago between my husband and his family. Do I let it go?

135 replies

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:17

Found messages between my husband and his family from a year ago. The messages are horrible.
They all spoke Ill of me. His brother suggested we don't share finances when I was heavily pregnant and to do 50/50 even though he earns 3 x more because "one day she'll earn more, it's like that sometimes, as the breadwinner you have rights and power of her, it's not unfair it's just like that" and mentions of how Im going to screw him over if we pull our finances before the kids are in nursery (he doesn't want to pay for nursery).
Messages with his mum when they speak absolute shit about me.
Messages of his mum calling me a hoe and implying she wishes our marriage fails.
Etc etc... absolutely vile

His family was also very abusive to me in real life in the past, especially his mother.
I'm a mind to tell them to fuck off and not go to theirs for Christmas like I had planned on doing, they clearly hate me, but it was one year ago.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 15/12/2023 18:40

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:20

I'm in a mind to do that.
But don't know if I'd be overreacting as it was a year ago. I just feel so betrayed.

Show quote history

Screen shot all of the messages - all of them. I could not forgive this ever

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 18:40

How does he treat you day-to-day? Do you feel loved and cared for? And do you have children yet?

Scrub that last question, you have at least one.

cryinglaughing · 15/12/2023 18:40

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:38

Yes but not too different
They are Asian I'm half arab half white

Show quote history

Well that isn't a shock from what you have said.
Not being Asian is your problem, you will never be good enough in your mil's eyes.

Just out of interest, was your dh a virgin when you married?

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Relationship problems
Sunflowergirl1 · 15/12/2023 18:41

How on earth have you managed to marry him and his family when they are all vile. I think you know what you need to do and it also doesn't include him, let alone his family

Get out whilst you can

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:41

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 18:40

How does he treat you day-to-day? Do you feel loved and cared for? And do you have children yet?

Scrub that last question, you have at least one.

Edited

He used to abuse me up until 18 months ago
Things are okay right now

OP posts:
Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:42

cryinglaughing · 15/12/2023 18:40

Well that isn't a shock from what you have said.
Not being Asian is your problem, you will never be good enough in your mil's eyes.

Just out of interest, was your dh a virgin when you married?

Show quote history

Yes, you are right. MIL said that to me.
She told me no one in the extended family approved of me because I'm not Asian.

Yes he was a virgin too

OP posts:
Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 18:42

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:41

He used to abuse me up until 18 months ago
Things are okay right now

Edited
Show quote history

Oh god sweetheart, get out of that!!

You can't ever trust him. I bet you're walking on eggshells so he doesn't do it again.

Those cunts that are his family will never let your marriage work.

Can you leave him?

Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 18:43

While his family and their comments are disgusting I think your immediate problem is your husband. Were you shocked by what he was saying or did that not come as a surprise?

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:44

Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 18:43

While his family and their comments are disgusting I think your immediate problem is your husband. Were you shocked by what he was saying or did that not come as a surprise?

I was suspecting he spoke Ill of me.
It just confirmed it.
I was disheartened but not really surprised to be honest

OP posts:
Brightandbubly · 15/12/2023 18:44

Leave before you invest any more time in the relationship, get the screen shots, go to the solicitor, set everything up first though

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:45

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 18:42

Oh god sweetheart, get out of that!!

You can't ever trust him. I bet you're walking on eggshells so he doesn't do it again.

Those cunts that are his family will never let your marriage work.

Can you leave him?

Show quote history

Yes I can, my lease ends in a month but I can go abroad see my family until I find somewhere new and then move right away

OP posts:
HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 15/12/2023 18:45

You only have one life on the planet.
Leave this horrible man and his family, and hopefully be a much happier person.

Nicole1111 · 15/12/2023 18:46

I saw your comment that he abused you. My advice is run run run, as fast as you can away from him and his family. His texts likely tell you a lot about his attitudes to you, and women in general, about how your life might be if you stay.

Treesinmygarden · 15/12/2023 18:46

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:45

Yes I can, my lease ends in a month but I can go abroad see my family until I find somewhere new and then move right away

Show quote history

Please tell your family - you could do with the support to escape from this horrible family!!

Don't put up with it any more. You are never going to be happy in this marriage x

Gnomegnomegnome · 15/12/2023 18:50

How did you find the messages?

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:51

Gnomegnomegnome · 15/12/2023 18:50

How did you find the messages?

It was in his old Whatsapp log
He changed phones and asked me to try and get the back up back. The last ones were from a year ago. Saw my name and started reading to be honest

OP posts:
MsRosley · 15/12/2023 18:56

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:38

Yes but not too different
They are Asian I'm half arab half white

Show quote history

This was my immediate thought. OP, there's a great deal of ingrained misogyny/racism at work here. You have to decide whether you want this to be part of your life or not.

Echobelly · 15/12/2023 18:58

It doesn't matter if it was a year ago; they won't have developed any respect for you now and you are better away from all of them. Your husband displayed total contempt of you by writing these messages and I don't think there's any going back from that. Yes, sometimes people can be annoyed and say things they don't mean, but this sounds way deeper than that.

nameychangio675 · 15/12/2023 19:01

Are you safe op? Some of the things you’ve said are a bit worrying

bananablues · 15/12/2023 19:02

So there is a cultural backstory here which I suspect means your mil & dh family will always not consider you good enough for their family. Your dh I guess is under his family’s (especially mother’s) thumb. And he has abused you in the past.

sorry op but really think this sounds like a lost cause. You can, and will, do better than this. The temptation to tell them what you know will be strong but could backfire on you. Don’t get mad, get even with a swift exit strategy.

Redglitter · 15/12/2023 19:07

I'd send the screenshots to them all & say you & your child won't be joining them at Christmas & then block them. Let your husband deal with them then decide what you're doing about him

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 19:08

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:38

I screenshot the conversation and sent them to email xx

I don't have anywhere to go but our lease ends next month. So if I leave I'll be able to get somewhere by myself

Thank you

Edited
Show quote history

There's your answer then. Refuse to sign another lease and leave him. I'd refuse to go to In-laws ever again too. They sound toxic and so does your husband too.

Bahhambug · 15/12/2023 19:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

QS90 · 15/12/2023 19:19

Whether you think that was out of character for your husband, and it's worth working on the relationship is one thing. But there's no way I would entertain going over there over Christmas - there's no need for you to do that to yourself. If your husband cares about you and respects you, he'll understand why and be gracious and apologetic (to you) about it. In fact, it will be a good test of his character.

If he still wants to go, fine, but make it clear you have other, better plans. Could you visit with your own friends or family? Please look after yourself, and don't just sit at your husband's families house meekly, condoning the way they have treated you. How you respond to this sort of thing going forward, will also shape your child's view of the world, and how it is okay to treat women, or be treated as a woman.

AyrshireTryer · 15/12/2023 19:20

Screenshot the messages.
Print them out.
Pop them into some Christmas crackers and take crackers to MIL as part of Xmas meal.