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Original poster

Found messages from a year ago between my husband and his family. Do I let it go?

135 replies

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:17

Found messages between my husband and his family from a year ago. The messages are horrible.
They all spoke Ill of me. His brother suggested we don't share finances when I was heavily pregnant and to do 50/50 even though he earns 3 x more because "one day she'll earn more, it's like that sometimes, as the breadwinner you have rights and power of her, it's not unfair it's just like that" and mentions of how Im going to screw him over if we pull our finances before the kids are in nursery (he doesn't want to pay for nursery).
Messages with his mum when they speak absolute shit about me.
Messages of his mum calling me a hoe and implying she wishes our marriage fails.
Etc etc... absolutely vile

His family was also very abusive to me in real life in the past, especially his mother.
I'm a mind to tell them to fuck off and not go to theirs for Christmas like I had planned on doing, they clearly hate me, but it was one year ago.
What would you do?

OP posts:
EasterIssland · 15/12/2023 20:23

Agree what others have said. It doesn’t matter if they were for a year ago he should have defended you and not allowed those comments about you. I’d not be able to trust my husband if I read he has said that about me.

are you in a position to break up and don’t become financially vulnerable ?

Olika · 15/12/2023 20:26

I don't care how old the messages are. I would end my marriage if my husband disrespected me in such way. I simply wouldn't be able to be with him anymore.

CormorantStrikesBack · 15/12/2023 20:27

Run like the wind. He will never treat you well long term. You deserve better.

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Relationship problems
cerisepanther73 · 15/12/2023 20:29

@Turneas
His family sound like a bunch of Arseholes to be honest and he your husband doesn't sound much better too,

I really think 🤔 it's a case of very weird and dysfunctional family dynamics,
quite Frankly whoever he married would never be good enough suitable enough for his domineering mother and his equally messed up family either,

The irony of it , of their attitude is ridiculous that its allmost laughable,
as they have so much issues going on and so dysfunctional,
that if Jeremy Mkaryl tv 📺 show in the mornings was still going on and his TV crew knew about how messed up they were as a family,
he would be desperate to get them onto his TV show,

His mother is jealous of how close you are to her precious son,
she sees you as almost like competition in her eyes and her family too, to get the attention of your husband as much as possible,
focusing on them and their personal issues whatever going on in their drama filled lives ect...

NewbieTwentyFour · 15/12/2023 20:31

Echoing previous posters, please don’t stay with him. You can get out now, be rid of him (and his family) and start over. When you’re ready you’ll find someone who loves you, respects you, treats you properly and will be a good dad if you want DC.

He is none of these things and you deserve better.

CommonOrNot · 15/12/2023 20:32

Oh abso-fucking-lutely don’t let this go. Bring it up 5 minutes ago in fact.

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 15/12/2023 20:35

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:45

Yes I can, my lease ends in a month but I can go abroad see my family until I find somewhere new and then move right away

Show quote history

You need to be very careful about that.
It could easily be seen as you taking the dcs away from him and get very ugly for you.

grumpycow1 · 15/12/2023 20:36

In what way did he used to abuse you?

keep very quiet, try and get records of his finances and see a solicitor. Leave the bastard and his disgusting family

grumpycow1 · 15/12/2023 20:37

But do seek legal advice before taking the kids overseas.

wronginalltherightways · 15/12/2023 20:40

Get legal advice and quietly make plans to leave when your lease is up. Get advice from Women's aid on leaving safely, as you have a history of being abused by him in your marriage. It may escalate.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2023 20:40

@Turneas

I agree that you need to get OUT of this marriage. Your H has started conversations with his family in which he either started slagging you or at the very least questioned your honesty and trustworthiness. And when his family has slagged you off he has agreed with them. My trust would be as broken with that as if he had cheated on me.

So if these messages are a year old and you were 'heavily pregnant', then you either have an infant or a very young toddler and it doesn't sound as if he does much in the 'daddy department'. I think at that age the adjustment would be relatively easy for your child, and probably very easy for you. You're carrying a huge load of (righful) resentment and once you're on your own you will mainly feel a profound sense of relief.

Honestly, you need to see a solicitor PRONTO, before the tenancy ends if it's a joint tenancy because you aren't going to want your name on the new lease. Do it now and do it in secret. Find out what divorce means for you, financially. And FGS, keep ALL your plans under your hat until you have your plans and a new rental in place.

As far as Xmas, since I'm pretty sure you can't be gone before then I'd probably go and grit my teeth, knowing I was doing it to keep my plans secret.

MiniCooperLover · 15/12/2023 20:44

Realistically OP these conversations have not stopped, you just haven't seen the most recent ones 🤷‍♀️

justchristmas · 15/12/2023 20:46

MiniCooperLover · 15/12/2023 20:44

Realistically OP these conversations have not stopped, you just haven't seen the most recent ones 🤷‍♀️

This.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/12/2023 20:49

Olika · 15/12/2023 20:26

I don't care how old the messages are. I would end my marriage if my husband disrespected me in such way. I simply wouldn't be able to be with him anymore.

But it's not just that, is it, who knows what he's been saying on his new phone more recently? Would he really suddenly just stop this conversation with his family. Also, did I see he was abusive to the OP until 18 months ago? What happened then to stop it?

EMUKE · 15/12/2023 20:53

Life is too short temper that… if you died tomorrow would you be happy or full filled? If I was you I would be planning my exit. There’s someone out there that would NEVER hear a bad word about you and would worship you (even with another man’s child) remember who you are… you don’t look after a house home and family to have ANYONE think bad about you. Your other half’s family should bring you in as if you were their own. Sending love and strength.

getfreddynow · 15/12/2023 20:53

Bloody hell. That is terrible. Keep it to yourself. Be safe. Leave without giving him notice before the notice is up. Be totally in control of your narrative. Get a family member to fly over and help you with your stuff and keep you safe as you leave.

Once you’re out , screw the bastard for as much money as you can. They’re going to think ill of you anyway. So might as well benefit financially. You can give it a charity he doesn’t support after the settlement if you don’t want his tainted money.

Oh and stop focussing on his horrible family and get away from him before he turns on you.

Mumofthreeteenagers · 15/12/2023 20:54

I feel concerned you are not safe. You mentioned abuse. You mention their discrimation on you. Don't go there for Christmas - have a cold or suchlike. Dont say or do anything they will know about! You need to be safe. And your baby. But get the heck out of there. And soon!

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 21:01

EMUKE · 15/12/2023 20:53

Life is too short temper that… if you died tomorrow would you be happy or full filled? If I was you I would be planning my exit. There’s someone out there that would NEVER hear a bad word about you and would worship you (even with another man’s child) remember who you are… you don’t look after a house home and family to have ANYONE think bad about you. Your other half’s family should bring you in as if you were their own. Sending love and strength.

Thank you so much 🙏❤️

OP posts:
Banana1979 · 15/12/2023 21:02

No u don’t let it go
1 year ago is only 12 months and you were heavily pregnant at the time
poor you how disgusting
my 7 yo DD was crying one night I asked her why and she said my ex partner and his mum were talking about me and saying nasty things . Don’t tolerate it . I have gone no contact with her my mental health and my child’s mental health is more important than her gran
calling you a ho pregnant with her grandchild and him starting off these nasty convos why are you even asking us this question? I would quietly take my things and go to my mums or someone who cares about me , call him and her and tell them what you read
do NOT go there for Christmas straight into the lions den . They definitely still feel the same way about you . Are they even safe to be around
I would be leaving him too your self respect and child are more important then pretending to play happy families

Original poster
Turneas · 15/12/2023 21:03

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/12/2023 20:49

But it's not just that, is it, who knows what he's been saying on his new phone more recently? Would he really suddenly just stop this conversation with his family. Also, did I see he was abusive to the OP until 18 months ago? What happened then to stop it?

Show quote history

I'm not sure why he changed to be honest.
He was arrested 18 months. I thought it was a turning point and eye opener for him somehow but he got in trouble for doing it again so I'm not sure.

I did start standing up for myself though so it might be that

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 15/12/2023 21:07

Doesn’t matter to s this was 10 years ago, it’s absolutely disgusting if your husband & his rotten family. I could never forgive this & there’s no way I would ever see him or his family again. You’re massively under reacting.

DC1888 · 15/12/2023 21:14

AyrshireTryer · 15/12/2023 19:20

Screenshot the messages.
Print them out.
Pop them into some Christmas crackers and take crackers to MIL as part of Xmas meal.

😆Love it.

The smile slowly disappearing as they begin reading would be quite a sight. Being Asian though I doubt they have Christmas meal. It's worth remembering though for those who do.

DreamTheMoors · 15/12/2023 21:17

Turneas · 15/12/2023 18:38

I screenshot the conversation and sent them to email xx

I don't have anywhere to go but our lease ends next month. So if I leave I'll be able to get somewhere by myself

Thank you

Edited
Show quote history

I had a husband with a family like this, @Turneas

Try to think about what your worth is. Certainly it’s far more than the trash they’re making you out to be.
And how cowardly - they treat you abhorrently, but don’t have the courage to say the actual words to your face. It hardly matters when they said it - have they miraculously changed?

I left. I left a relatively wealthy man and I left behind a comfortable life. But I left with my dignity and self-respect intact.
I wish the same for you.

HydrateYourself86 · 15/12/2023 21:21

I would leave asap tbh but I wouldn’t let him know at all. I’m worried for your safety. A PP is right when they said get out before he turns on you. Whatever you do, don’t go to your MILs for Xmas day. Try and leave before then if you can. Do you have access to your own money? If you do and can afford a flight home (think you said your family are in another country) then I would do that. But do NOT make him aware of any plans. In the meantime, gather and screenshot everything you think you’ll need. Be safe.

jingleandslay · 15/12/2023 21:29

Run!
You can do it