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Original poster

I’ve lost all my friends…should I go Saturday or not?

107 replies

OrchardApples · 12/12/2023 20:20

Had a friendship group for a couple of years. Lovely women all same age, similar jobs and similar incomes, stages of life so it worked well. We are all 29 and have been friends for 5 years- met through a hobby.

I got on brilliantly with all of them and saw them weekly- however I noticed last year one of my friends started to put me down. Always making negative comments about me or my choices. Never really happy for me and seemed irritated when something good happened for me. She seemed to change overnight.

A few examples were when I met someone new after being single for 3 years, I’d become really happy and she would say things like “oh well, he’s bound to cheat on you eventually at some point” and was genuinely negative and eye rolled whenever I brought it up. She is married herself- so not the last standing single. I’d been to her wedding and celebrated her.

and the majority of the comments were aimed about my weight. In the past year, I’ve shamefully put on about a stone and a half. It’s no excuse but I’ve been through a lot this year, bereavement, job change, had to move house twice due to landlords selling so it’s been a lot. It’s something I’m going to be working on in the new year.

She would make comments like “Oh, thank goodness you’ve left some I thought you were going to eat all that” after I left some of my jacket potato in a cafe. I also tried on a coat in a shop and she said to me “I’m glad you’re not buying that- I didn’t think it would fit you”. I then commented back, and said well I have gone up a size this year and she said “yes you’re not big, but you sort of are very large”

So I let it slide, until the comments continued- everything from when I went to a job interview and she replied “wouldn’t get my hopes up if I was you” and then I brought a sandwich to our hobby for lunch and when I finished it she said “that’s gone already, the whole sandwich?”

Three weeks ago, I snapped, and said to her that she shouldn’t be commenting on my eating or weight. It’s horrible and rude. I snapped in front of our friendship group and now I’ve been ghosted pretty much by everyone. I think they all think I’m horrible- I’ve reached out to a couple of them as normal and been ignored. Only one as responded.

im a little bit worried as these are pretty much my only friends. We’ve got tickets to a Christmas show on Saturday and I was going to go still and the one who has responded has said I should but I don’t feel like I’m really wanted there now. We used to talk every day on our WhatsApp group and now it’s radio silence so I think they’ve made one without me in it.

I also don’t feel like I should apologise either! Ah! Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ElGrump · 12/12/2023 20:23

I'm stunned they all took her side after that nasty comment about your weight. You had absolutely every right to tell her to stop.

Sorry - I think you have misjudged them as people. I wouldn't go and I would accept the friendships are over. I'm really sorry for you, it's horrible Flowers

OutsideLookingOut · 12/12/2023 20:23

Not one of them reached out to you to see if you were okay? They do not sound like good friends but personally I wouldn’t miss out on the money I spent for the show. I’d go with my head held up. You should not apologise.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 12/12/2023 20:27

It does sound like they have moved on without you, because she’s probably gotten to them all. I would post pretty much what you said here into the group chat, just to outline what you’ve put up with and follow it by sharing how disappointed you are that because you finally told her to stop, they’ve all ghosted you because you thought they’d be better than that. And then leave the group and move on. The friendship is dead anyway, but I’m not very good and leaving silently so I’d have to say it. It probably isn’t the right course of action, but it’s what I’d do before moving on without that group.

Original poster
OrchardApples · 12/12/2023 20:28

None of the others have reached out- we used to voice note/chat every day about our days etc. The one who did reach out basically said that our friend “wouldn’t intentionally be horrible and was just worried about me because of the weight gain/that I’d been single for so long and could end up heartbroken” but I just don’t see it like that. Some of my friends are larger than I am, some are smaller. Some are with horrible men, some with nice etc but I don’t comment on anyone’s love life appearance etc.

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 12/12/2023 20:31

Leave it. Let them go. They are not friends . She will target one of them next - you’ll see! They will contact you once she has started on them.

RosePetals86 · 12/12/2023 20:31

Ah I’ve had it done to me op. I’ve been wronged by a friend, stood up for myself and then been made to feel like the bad guy! They’ve all chosen to take the safe option and go with the majority. Not real friends and while it hurts it’s good to see people for who they really are.

bloodyeffinnora · 12/12/2023 20:34

if it was me, I wouldn't bother going. I wouldn't bother with people who ignore my messages, it seems they're letting you know whose side they're on, even though it's not their argument. So, No I wouldn't go and I would pull away from them and try to make new friends.
Has the one who responded to your message given you any idea what's going on?
I also think you were right to tell her to stop with the rude comments,

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 12/12/2023 20:34

Your "friend" doesn't sound very nice at all, in fact she sounds like a bully. Once you stood up to her then she outcast you. Maybe arrange to meet the girl who reached out to you separately over Christmas. I would give Saturday a miss as it would cause me anxiety just to be there.

Or if you want to go throw into the group chat, what's the plan for Saturday? Are we going to meet for a drink first? See if anyone replies.

Sodndashitall · 12/12/2023 20:35

She's unlikely to have told them she was being horrible to you but she will have said you were being horrible to her!

I'd agree with PP, maybe privately message them and say that you snapped at her because she was making repeated comments on your weight etc. They may not realise what she did !

bloodyeffinnora · 12/12/2023 20:35

I would ghost them ALL back

Sunandnomoon · 12/12/2023 20:37

The fact it took so many negative comments before you pulled her up on it, gives me the impression you have a quieter personality and she has a more domineering personality. Unfortunately, when friends argue, I’ve found that people don’t necessarily react by supporting the person who was wronged. They often take side with the more dominant personality because they don’t want to face the wrath of the dominant one themself. I know it’s harder to make friends as you get older, but I’d distance myself from this group as they don’t sound good for you anymore.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/12/2023 20:38

The one who did reach out basically said that our friend “wouldn’t intentionally be horrible and was just worried about me because of the weight gain/that I’d been single for so long and could end up heartbroken” but I just don’t see it like that

So she was being unintentionally horrible and didn't mean it? in that case presumably she'll apologise for upsetting you. She hasn't apologised? then she meant what she said.

There are ways of being concerned about someone. Her way isn't one of them.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 12/12/2023 20:48

I would guess she has been whispering to them about you and getting ahead of you being able to tell them anything. I would go to the show, see how people treat you and then you will know if it is worth following up. I hate it when people downplay bad behaviour like this, but when it happened to me I found that most people actually could see what was going on and it rebounded on the bully. It just took a while because she had spent her whole life doing shit like this and being a bully while playing the victim.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 12/12/2023 20:52

She sounds like a right old bully and has targeted you and tried to bring you down when you are happy hence the comments and unnecessary rude remarks about food. I would never ever remark on someone or their weight or what they eat. She is horrible and has to be top dog. Seems like she is a miserable person who is not happy so wanted to bring you down to make herself feel better. Do turn up on Saturday and be all smiles and happy and you can take it from there. The one woman who has replied seems nice but it seems like that main bully has to be top dog. Sorry you are going through this but do go and then you can make your decision. I would say calmly that you snapped as months of listening to her making petty mean remarks would make anyone snap. Did anyone else hear her make those remarks to you. Ask her has she realized how she always comments meanly to you. Hope things go ok.

Mumsnut · 12/12/2023 20:57

Do you actually have the ticket? You might turn up and find they have invited someone else.

blettedmedlar · 12/12/2023 21:06

They are not your friends. I'd be tempted to go and tell her exactly what you think of her. But I would block the lot of them afterwards. You will find new, better friends.

Xmascookies · 12/12/2023 21:09

Is she the queen bee? Since nobody has defended you I’d ditch them. You do not need friends like that. It’s sad but there must be something about you that makes her feel inferior.

Swishyfishy · 12/12/2023 21:10

reply to the one who last messaged you ‘can we meet beforehand and arrive together? I’m in two minds about going to be honest. Had been pushed to the limit with x’s put downs about my weight and love life’.

Figgygal · 12/12/2023 21:13

Going through similar group of friends for last few years and the tumbleweeds on our previously busy WhatsApp is deafening, I fell out with one of them and the others have drifted since.
It's tough to accept and its lonely but they're not friends long term its better to know that

Swishyfishy · 12/12/2023 21:15

I agree that people often side with the more domineering person (because they are spineless). Not everyone of course. Having not experienced that horrid side of her before, some friends may struggle to relate to what’s happened. Personally I’d see how it goes Saturday and take it from there. Go, hold your head high and leave afterwards if things haven’t got easier. Either way you need to expand your friendship group and build new relationships with reliable nicer friends.

tuvamoodyson · 12/12/2023 21:21

She’s made herself the victim now, after all ‘she was only looking out for you’ dump the lot of them.

paisley256 · 12/12/2023 21:22

OutsideLookingOut · 12/12/2023 20:23

Not one of them reached out to you to see if you were okay? They do not sound like good friends but personally I wouldn’t miss out on the money I spent for the show. I’d go with my head held up. You should not apologise.

This. Fuck them, you've done nothing wrong.

MrsMarzetti · 12/12/2023 21:26

Life is too short to put up with bitches, find nice friends.

Mariposista · 12/12/2023 21:27

Make new friends.
nasty little shits

furtivetussling · 12/12/2023 21:28

I'm team Fuck 'em as well.

She will have got to all of them already, and made you out to be the baddie. No matter what you do or say, that's the end of it. Take comfort though, in that now you are gone, she will need to find another victim, and that victim will one day realise what really happened to you.