I’ve lost all my friends…should I go Saturday or not?

[OrchardApples]

Had a friendship group for a couple of years. Lovely women all same age, similar jobs and similar incomes, stages of life so it worked well. We are all 29 and have been friends for 5 years- met through a hobby.

I got on brilliantly with all of them and saw them weekly- however I noticed last year one of my friends started to put me down. Always making negative comments about me or my choices. Never really happy for me and seemed irritated when something good happened for me. She seemed to change overnight.

A few examples were when I met someone new after being single for 3 years, I’d become really happy and she would say things like “oh well, he’s bound to cheat on you eventually at some point” and was genuinely negative and eye rolled whenever I brought it up. She is married herself- so not the last standing single. I’d been to her wedding and celebrated her.

and the majority of the comments were aimed about my weight. In the past year, I’ve shamefully put on about a stone and a half. It’s no excuse but I’ve been through a lot this year, bereavement, job change, had to move house twice due to landlords selling so it’s been a lot. It’s something I’m going to be working on in the new year.

She would make comments like “Oh, thank goodness you’ve left some I thought you were going to eat all that” after I left some of my jacket potato in a cafe. I also tried on a coat in a shop and she said to me “I’m glad you’re not buying that- I didn’t think it would fit you”. I then commented back, and said well I have gone up a size this year and she said “yes you’re not big, but you sort of are very large”

So I let it slide, until the comments continued- everything from when I went to a job interview and she replied “wouldn’t get my hopes up if I was you” and then I brought a sandwich to our hobby for lunch and when I finished it she said “that’s gone already, the whole sandwich?”

Three weeks ago, I snapped, and said to her that she shouldn’t be commenting on my eating or weight. It’s horrible and rude. I snapped in front of our friendship group and now I’ve been ghosted pretty much by everyone. I think they all think I’m horrible- I’ve reached out to a couple of them as normal and been ignored. Only one as responded.

im a little bit worried as these are pretty much my only friends. We’ve got tickets to a Christmas show on Saturday and I was going to go still and the one who has responded has said I should but I don’t feel like I’m really wanted there now. We used to talk every day on our WhatsApp group and now it’s radio silence so I think they’ve made one without me in it.

I also don’t feel like I should apologise either! Ah! Don’t know what to do.

Go but ask the usher to sit you in a different seat, there will probably be one available somewhere. You can even explain the situation, they're always quite nice in my experience. I wouldn't bother asking at the box office.

Also it sounds like you're well rid of those women, onwards and upwards.

I had a friendship group, quite a large one of about 12 people. Early on in our friendship one woman had a row with another woman and the other women left the group. We didn't think too much of it and based on what was said after assumed the other women had been the issue. But then the woman had another row and caused another woman to leave. I was annoyed at this point and stopped making effort with her. She started a row with a third women (on our group chat) I defended the third woman it got it heated and the majority of the group defended her. And blamed me! I left the group.

Time to make new friends.
Go if you want but think of it as a farewell show.

Think about what makes you smile and feel positive - a hobby, a sport, swimming, sewing, cooking - and find a club or group where you are all gathered focused on something other than yourselves.

You need to make time for new friends.

@Frasers are you the person who does/did this?

I've had this done to me. I had never ever been mean to the person. Never.

She just decided to criticise every aspect of my life. Bitchy little comments.

When I asked why she said "I must be honest with you, I don't like you. I don't know why, I just stopped liking you".

She stopped liking me the same time I moved on in my life and didn't only have that friend group. Clearly I was a traitor as I didn't just do as she did.

It happens. Some people are just foul.

These people are awful and not your friends. At least now you know and can spend your time finding nicer friends.

However, like PPs I’d struggle to just ghost without having my days it won’t really change anything for you, but calling it out might make the group wary of her. She will, no doubt, single out a new victim.

I’d lay out the months of catty comments you’ve had, and your confusion about what went wrong. I’d also call out the assertion that her comments weren’t deliberate- if she was concerned, she doesn’t need to insult you.

and say quite frankly, they are doing you a favour as who would want to be friends with people who are unhappy for people when they find a partner/ get a new job? Just say thanks for showing me who you are.

They are fucking horrible friends which you are very lucky to get rid of! Wtf!

They've done that absolute classic thing that friendship groups with no personality do, which is select one person to be left out in order to bond the rest of the group together. Are the majority of the group kind of plain/bland/timid who only ever stick up for you privately one-to-one, but not in front of the rest of the group? I would bet that's the case

Honestly you will be happier alone than with them, don't go!

Don't go. Honestly, it's not worth it. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, especially after going through some other difficult things. Sometimes when life gets tough, you find out who your real friends are. No one needs to put anyone down unless they have a problem; she must have been jealous of you.

This happened to me when I went through a break-up. Suddenly all our mutual friends were shunning me or giving me the cold shoulder, even in person. I've no idea how he spun things to make that happen, but it was a bucket of cold water realising these people weren't really my friends and I had to stop going out with them; I was so miserable. The twist of the knife was that it was him who had been really unkind to me, not the other way round. No one deserves to be treated like that. And you haven't done anything wrong anyway!

Herd mentality. Let the others swarm about Queen Bee. She is obviously unhappy and doesn't like seeing you happy.
Hope you find some true friends soon x

This is sad op. I'm currently in a similar situation, though not as bad as yours. A group of friends, one of whom made a mindless comment about me on the group chat. I avsolutely know it wasn't intentional but it really cut me to the core, it was regarding something I'm really sensitive about, so I came off the group chat to message her, and her apology was slow, and then only ok but not great, i could accept it, but what's getting to me is the silence from everyone else. It's like they're in agreement. So now I'm weighing up do I need thicker skin, let it go and stay in the group, or is this group not good for me so I leave but worry about losing these old friends. As you've had someone come back to you defending her (poorly) i must say if it were me i wouldn't stay in the group if i had this, but i respect that's a tough call.

Oh she's awful, I'm so glad you stood up to her.

You were an easy target because uou were vulnerable and now she's doubling down to try to force you to crumble. Don't.

Hold on to your self respect and sanity; these people are not your friends and you genuinely will be better off without them.

I did some emotional housekeeping during lockdown and cleansed my life of several people who I had previously thought of as friends. My initial anxiety was "having no friends" but that soon passed. Being free of the passive aggressive, the put downs and judgement was hugely freeing and also freed me up to.makr healthier friendships.

My life is very sociable again now though only with people who treat me with respect.

This.

But it is hard.

Op im worried that if you don’t go you will feel even worse. If they have been good friends for a long time give them the benefit of the doubt and go. Act polite in front of the mean girl and don’t let her take all the power here. They are your friends too. And yes in the new year start widening your circle - daily messages etc sounds intense to me as lives get busier. Maybe the friends don’t want this drama and are ‘staying out of it’. Go and try and focus on the show and just show them that you are the bigger person

We had a Queen Bee Manager at a place I once worked , who had as group of staff who were also personal friends that socialised and went on holidays together. Queen Bee targeted people and drove them out of the workplace along with her group of friends joining in .

When Queen Bee resigned from her job not one of that staff group bothered with her again .

Your so called friends know what she is like . They have sided with her as they want to do the hobby and have an easier life . Sack them off . Honestly OP if it wasn't you then it would have been someone else . She will do this again to someone else . Wait and see.

So OP is feeling uncomfortable in this situation, has decided to speak out about it here, but it hasn’t met your bullying benchmark?
No wonder people can feel unable to speak up.
OP perceives that she is being bullied. That is her reality and she’s described it well.
Another poster explained how the rest of the group sided with the more dominant personality.
OP is understandably looking for support to manage her reality.
Please don’t gaslight her.

Wow I think you should go and get your side of the story out there! She’s obviously told them her version and I imagine they have no idea of all the horrible things she’s been saying to you. If you want to remain friends with the others don’t give up on them just yet!

They sound like a bunch of mean girls. Leave them to it. Don't go sat otherwise you'll feel more shit and they'll enjoy ignoring you. Don't let them get the better. I'd be tempted to text them all with my thought and say you'll be spending time woth people who are actually nice to you.

Gosh, that woman sounds horrible. I'm surprised you took it for so long and I'm glad you stood up for yourself. If the others are now ghosting you, well f them. You don't need 'friends' like this

Oh op this is horrible. Well done for standing up for yourself. Sadly it sounds like many of the women in this group are/were not good friends. I’d never stand by as someone repeatedly made jokes at someone else’s expense and I certainly wouldn’t ignore them because they stood up for themselves .

Personally I think you should still go to the event, and see who out of the friendship group makes effort with you or is receptive to your effort. Also keep linking with the one friend who has encouraged you to still attend, maybe suggest arriving with her so you feel supported.

Then after the event you might have a better idea of who to bother with and can let those who choose to support the person being unkind to you go.

Go along and play the snarky game. I'm sooooo sorry you were offended, I didn't realise you were so sensitive. I miss you girls so much and I know it was only because you care etc".

Then find new friends quickly! Stay friends but keep them at arms length. Take the pis sneakily "you are so thin and good looking, I only wish I could get to that weight. You must have so much discipline" etc whilst thinking how vain and shallow, not to mention mean she is.

Also, I am in a friendship group of girls and there are unspoken rules- look good, don't drink too much, don't argue, be upbeat and friendly and respect quern bee but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's a PR exercise for self preservation. All of those rules are to prevent embarrassment or reputational damage. I have also put on weight and got a slightly negative reaction- not as bad as the one you have- but I can see that I do need to lose it. The sought bullying is actually helpful because it motivates me to take action that will make me look better and feel goid.

Go on Saturday and say the following things to Queen Bee...

Did you get ready in the dark (follow with a tinkly laugh)

(If she says anything nasty to you) Did you mean to say that out loud, that's such a weird thing to say.

Bloody hell, your hair is really thining, I'd see about that if I were you.

You're looking really tired today, the bags under your eyes are huge. Are you okay?

And last, but not least, lean over to her and whisper... Remember, bitches get stitches 🪡

This doesn’t sound like a friendship group 😳

I so glad I'm not in your friendship group it sounds hideous! How about just being yourself and people liking you, just for being you. All sounds very fake and hardwork and not much fun at all.

I would go the the theatre, hold my head up high and be polite and friendly to everyone and not create a drama (that would give them fuel). If you get the cold shoulder then don't ever contact these people again.

Some of us have professional careers and need to act right, we can share problems elsewhere but not on a night out and we get on really well. All of us have stresses and we stay upbeat deliberately.