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Original poster

I’ve lost all my friends…should I go Saturday or not?

107 replies

OrchardApples · 12/12/2023 20:20

Had a friendship group for a couple of years. Lovely women all same age, similar jobs and similar incomes, stages of life so it worked well. We are all 29 and have been friends for 5 years- met through a hobby.

I got on brilliantly with all of them and saw them weekly- however I noticed last year one of my friends started to put me down. Always making negative comments about me or my choices. Never really happy for me and seemed irritated when something good happened for me. She seemed to change overnight.

A few examples were when I met someone new after being single for 3 years, I’d become really happy and she would say things like “oh well, he’s bound to cheat on you eventually at some point” and was genuinely negative and eye rolled whenever I brought it up. She is married herself- so not the last standing single. I’d been to her wedding and celebrated her.

and the majority of the comments were aimed about my weight. In the past year, I’ve shamefully put on about a stone and a half. It’s no excuse but I’ve been through a lot this year, bereavement, job change, had to move house twice due to landlords selling so it’s been a lot. It’s something I’m going to be working on in the new year.

She would make comments like “Oh, thank goodness you’ve left some I thought you were going to eat all that” after I left some of my jacket potato in a cafe. I also tried on a coat in a shop and she said to me “I’m glad you’re not buying that- I didn’t think it would fit you”. I then commented back, and said well I have gone up a size this year and she said “yes you’re not big, but you sort of are very large”

So I let it slide, until the comments continued- everything from when I went to a job interview and she replied “wouldn’t get my hopes up if I was you” and then I brought a sandwich to our hobby for lunch and when I finished it she said “that’s gone already, the whole sandwich?”

Three weeks ago, I snapped, and said to her that she shouldn’t be commenting on my eating or weight. It’s horrible and rude. I snapped in front of our friendship group and now I’ve been ghosted pretty much by everyone. I think they all think I’m horrible- I’ve reached out to a couple of them as normal and been ignored. Only one as responded.

im a little bit worried as these are pretty much my only friends. We’ve got tickets to a Christmas show on Saturday and I was going to go still and the one who has responded has said I should but I don’t feel like I’m really wanted there now. We used to talk every day on our WhatsApp group and now it’s radio silence so I think they’ve made one without me in it.

I also don’t feel like I should apologise either! Ah! Don’t know what to do.

OP posts:

Firefly2009 · 13/12/2023 11:12

I guess everyone is different but I really couldn't spend time with people like this. Life is too short, I have a limited amount of energy and I am rubbish at putting on an act. Do what you find enjoyable to do, OP.

tabbymctwat · 13/12/2023 11:13

Bireadwhatiread · 13/12/2023 11:10

Some of us have professional careers and need to act right, we can share problems elsewhere but not on a night out and we get on really well. All of us have stresses and we stay upbeat deliberately.

Show quote history

This sounds hideous and these people are not your friends! Either that or you actually live in an American teen movie, as this is pretty much the plot of Mean Girls...

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 11:17

They said nothing while she bullied you for a year then rushed to ghost you in defence/support of her when you finally spoke up.

They were never your friends.

Mazuslongtoenail · 13/12/2023 11:18

Personally, I’d go. If you don’t, it sounds like the friendship with the wider group is dead.

If you do go, it will either confirm that it is or it gives you a chance to chat to the others and keep communication open.

It will give you a better idea of what’s going on or a resolution. To just let the group friendship drift would be too indefinite for me. I’d be left wondering. If you go, you know.

ParkerJones · 13/12/2023 12:33

Been there, had it done to me.
I didn’t snap back but picked up my coat and left the night out. Her final remark was directed solely at me, made me the embarrassed, powerless target, though it equally applied to the woman sitting next to me. I sensed I couldn’t win.
Afterwards two contacted me to say they hadn’t heard her. Utter rubbish as she shouted past them, the length of the table. For some ridiculous reason they thought I’d be with them the next time they met (regular arrangement) but queen bee confirmed to them I wouldn’t. She gloated, felt no remorse, didn’t reflect.
They accepted and acknowledged she was rude, domineering, selective in her inner circle. In my mind they were timid sheep, fearful of her excluding them.
If I were you I wouldn’t go on Saturday. Don’t let them make you feel uncomfortable yet again. At the time, in the group chat, in the weak defence by the one you’ve spoken to, and by not contacting you they’ve already confirmed their allegiance and low bar.
Pull up the drawbridge and make new friends.

Ternbeach · 13/12/2023 12:41

Bireadwhatiread · 13/12/2023 11:10

Some of us have professional careers and need to act right, we can share problems elsewhere but not on a night out and we get on really well. All of us have stresses and we stay upbeat deliberately.

Show quote history

Judging you on your weight? Flocking around a queen bee? ‘Must’ look good? ‘Must’ be up beat? Ok if you say so, but doesn’t sound in the slightest bit supportive to me.

SilenceIsComplicity · 13/12/2023 13:06

I feel for you and I've had this happen to me in many contexts, including the workplace. She is nothing more than a bully but I disagree that she is motivated by feeling inferior to you ; these narcissistic types like to " kiss up and kick down " i.e if she sees you as someone weaker who won't answer back then she'll speak to you like crap and you're a punching bag - these people get a kick out of being mean and causing hurt. It bolsters their fragile ego. Unfortunately, as per their modus operandi she has now gone on to stage 2 and smeared your name, effectively ostracising you from the group. She will have called you ' over sensitive' or some such twaddle and how ' she was only trying to help ', in effect reversing the roles so she's the victim and your the aggressor for calling her out. There's no come back from this - once the rot has set in its very difficult to get others to change their opinions on you. I speak from experience here, forget about this group and in the future, if anyone ever dared to insult you or belittle you or cause you discomfort, confront it head on the very first time it happens, don't let it continue hoping they'll stop, show them from the get go that you're not the type to be pushed around and that you won't be messed with - this will stop you being identified as a target from the very beginning. Because you will encounter this type again and now is the time to learn the tactics to deal with them. But I'm sorry OP, it's so very hurtful when you've done absolutely nothing to warrant such behaviour and lose friends through no fault of your own.

Deathraystare · 13/12/2023 14:08

It is really sad when so called adults behave like this. I don't know why they do it. But really, you are better off with them....all. The others are no better. Don't go, you will not enjoy it.

On the day itself you would be going, get yourself some treats, a bottle of wine (if you drink) and curl up on the sofa and watch some tv and thank fuck you did not go out with those losers!

mrswhiplington · 13/12/2023 15:55

Fannyfiggs · 13/12/2023 10:46

Go on Saturday and say the following things to Queen Bee...

Did you get ready in the dark (follow with a tinkly laugh)

(If she says anything nasty to you) Did you mean to say that out loud, that's such a weird thing to say.

Bloody hell, your hair is really thining, I'd see about that if I were you.

You're looking really tired today, the bags under your eyes are huge. Are you okay?

And last, but not least, lean over to her and whisper... Remember, bitches get stitches 🪡

😂

Ontobetterthings · 13/12/2023 22:51

Don't go. You won't enjoy it xx

Don'tcallthepolice · 16/12/2023 20:58

Op I am wondering if you decided to go tonight and if so how it went?

LindyLou2020 · 16/12/2023 21:54

RosePetals86 · 12/12/2023 20:31

Ah I’ve had it done to me op. I’ve been wronged by a friend, stood up for myself and then been made to feel like the bad guy! They’ve all chosen to take the safe option and go with the majority. Not real friends and while it hurts it’s good to see people for who they really are.

@RosePetals86
You've hit the nail on the head!
This kind of shitty behaviour amongst females is reminiscent of playground/school days.
For someone to stick their head above the parapet and take your side, could well mean they too are excluded from the group.
And the fear of that, of not belonging to the group any more, can unfortunately mean they will keep shtum rather than do the right thing.
Stay strong - you're better than this, seriously!

LadyEloise1 · 17/12/2023 07:56

@LindyLou2020 I heard a quote and thought it very relevant for occasions like @RosePetals86 experienced

Stand up for what is right even if you are standing alone.

But it can be hard, no question.

Peekingovertheparapet · 17/12/2023 08:06

This is the sole reason that for almost all of my adult life I have not done the ‘female group of friends’ thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends and am fine in a group, but I have not since uni got into a group of women where the defining characteristic of the friendship is the group.

I see my friends individually and together, I do activities I want to do in group form. I’m well aware there is some kind of group that some of my friends are collectively in, but I’m happy enough avoiding the politics. There is always one dominant female, usually one who is horrifically insecure themselves who makes others feel miserable. I spend plenty of time listening to moans about the couple that exist in our neighbourhood because they do upset other people.

if you decide not to bin this group off in their entirety I would focus on your individual relationships with the ones that you do like going forward.

Onelifeonly · 17/12/2023 08:09

She's made you out to be the villain of course, so it is a difficult place to come back from. Even if the others were willing to listen (they won't be, most people hate confrontation), your only recourse is to bad-mouth her. Which won't cover you in glory.

I'm afraid you have made a mistake - by standing up to her aggressively, while perfectly understandable if what you say is true, you have committed a huge social faux pas. You could have either ignored her or laughed her comments off, or gently told her you feel sensitive about x (weight gain for example) and asked her to support you.

The truth is no one is perfect and she's probably good fun or the organiser or something and they won't want to lose her friendship. If you approach them to give your side, you'll be making an awkward situation worse.

Sorry, I know it's not your fault. You could just turn up at the event but I think you'd have to apologise to this woman to get back in with them (I'm so sensitive, I'm sorry I said that type of thing.)

rodarrrach · 17/12/2023 08:28

Hey OP. What happened...did you go to the show?

Original poster

OrchardApples · 17/12/2023 18:51

Hi all, I wanted to update the thread- I did go yesterday! It went ok, mean main girl completely didn’t acknowledge me but everyone else acted like my absolute bestie- coming up for hugs, asking how I’ve been.

I enjoyed the show and made small talk, but I have decided to give them all a wide birth next year. Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 17/12/2023 19:02

Just RTFT OP and wanted to say a huge well done to you for fronting it out last night. It couldn't have felt nice going into it not knowing what reception you would get and that showed all of them and her you've got balls.

Agree with pp that whilst she is clearly a horrible domineering queen bee type the others have not shown themselves in a great light either. I don't think I'd want people like that in my life and clearly if you have a crisis in the future you cannot depend on them.

There are so many nice people in life we haven't yet met ... one of the loveliest most upbeat women in my life isn't necessarily someone whose pocket I live in but every moment spent with her is uplifting and fun and I know she'd be there if I needed her and if all the people I know I've known her the shortest time. We only got to be friends because when our girls were little we walked the same school run route and one day I thought "Sod it, I'm going to say hello".

I also think that if you do decide to give them a wide berth or doesn't mean you'll never be friendly again but I think the dynamics won't go back to what they were . And sometimes that's ok. The fact that your last interaction with them last night was a positive one on your terms will help you move on quicker .

Here's to meeting a few genuinely lovely people next year

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 17/12/2023 20:32

PinkArt · 12/12/2023 21:38

It isn't shameful to put on weight, nor is it something that needs an excuse. It sounds like you've had a fucker of a year so be a bit nicer to yourself and your body please!
Your 'friend' though, is a cunt. Don't be nice to her. There are ways to raise concerns about a friend's weight, it you are worried about their health, that come from a good place. Saying fucking hell have you eaten a whole sandwich is not that.
Depending on how much the others have let you down either turn up to the show, head held high, let people know factually and not emotionally what has happened, or if they feel like a lost cause then just walk away on to bigger and better things.
Life is to short for toxic people.

I agree, it's not "shameful" to put on weight - our bodies are amazing and cope with a hell of a lot so be proud of who you are.

And also agree she's a cunt.

OutsideLookingOut · 17/12/2023 20:34

OrchardApples · 17/12/2023 18:51

I enjoyed the show and made small talk, but I have decided to give them all a wide birth next year. Thanks for all the advice.

Yes! I love this for you! Glad you got to enjoy the show.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 17/12/2023 20:39

Make a new group chat. Without her in it.

Jagley · 17/12/2023 20:41

OrchardApples · 17/12/2023 18:51

I enjoyed the show and made small talk, but I have decided to give them all a wide birth next year. Thanks for all the advice.

I'm so pleased you went and enjoyed the show. Sounds like it was the right thing for you to do and lets you move on from this.

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 17/12/2023 20:42

Bireadwhatiread · 13/12/2023 10:01

Also, I am in a friendship group of girls and there are unspoken rules- look good, don't drink too much, don't argue, be upbeat and friendly and respect quern bee but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's a PR exercise for self preservation. All of those rules are to prevent embarrassment or reputational damage. I have also put on weight and got a slightly negative reaction- not as bad as the one you have- but I can see that I do need to lose it. The sought bullying is actually helpful because it motivates me to take action that will make me look better and feel goid.

Ummm wtf?

This isn't friendship.

This is just bizarre.

Rollerdiscoed · 17/12/2023 20:46

Ditch them all and try to move on. Sorry this has happened. Sounds like they've been hurtful and cruel. It's tough but very few friendship groups last forever, you will make new friends.

Several years ago I'd had enough of one of my friends making racist remarks (not aimed at anyone in particular, just general ignorant views) I called her out at a gathering (not aggressively, there was no row or anything). Everyone else nervously kind of laughed and the evening moved on. But afterwards I was excluded from the group. I was really upset at the time, it was my main friendship group. But I came to the conclusion they're obviously not people I want to be hanging out with. I believe they sided with her because she was very wealthy and would often host parties/weekends at her parents' holiday home. So shallow.

Rollerdiscoed · 17/12/2023 20:48

It's also often the case at your sort of age that people start to change into different people. Sometimes for the worse. It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, it's just change, and you're not compatible as friends any more. It's quite common I think.

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