I’ve lost all my friends…should I go Saturday or not?

[OrchardApples]

Had a friendship group for a couple of years. Lovely women all same age, similar jobs and similar incomes, stages of life so it worked well. We are all 29 and have been friends for 5 years- met through a hobby.

I got on brilliantly with all of them and saw them weekly- however I noticed last year one of my friends started to put me down. Always making negative comments about me or my choices. Never really happy for me and seemed irritated when something good happened for me. She seemed to change overnight.

A few examples were when I met someone new after being single for 3 years, I’d become really happy and she would say things like “oh well, he’s bound to cheat on you eventually at some point” and was genuinely negative and eye rolled whenever I brought it up. She is married herself- so not the last standing single. I’d been to her wedding and celebrated her.

and the majority of the comments were aimed about my weight. In the past year, I’ve shamefully put on about a stone and a half. It’s no excuse but I’ve been through a lot this year, bereavement, job change, had to move house twice due to landlords selling so it’s been a lot. It’s something I’m going to be working on in the new year.

She would make comments like “Oh, thank goodness you’ve left some I thought you were going to eat all that” after I left some of my jacket potato in a cafe. I also tried on a coat in a shop and she said to me “I’m glad you’re not buying that- I didn’t think it would fit you”. I then commented back, and said well I have gone up a size this year and she said “yes you’re not big, but you sort of are very large”

So I let it slide, until the comments continued- everything from when I went to a job interview and she replied “wouldn’t get my hopes up if I was you” and then I brought a sandwich to our hobby for lunch and when I finished it she said “that’s gone already, the whole sandwich?”

Three weeks ago, I snapped, and said to her that she shouldn’t be commenting on my eating or weight. It’s horrible and rude. I snapped in front of our friendship group and now I’ve been ghosted pretty much by everyone. I think they all think I’m horrible- I’ve reached out to a couple of them as normal and been ignored. Only one as responded.

im a little bit worried as these are pretty much my only friends. We’ve got tickets to a Christmas show on Saturday and I was going to go still and the one who has responded has said I should but I don’t feel like I’m really wanted there now. We used to talk every day on our WhatsApp group and now it’s radio silence so I think they’ve made one without me in it.

I also don’t feel like I should apologise either! Ah! Don’t know what to do.

People like that are not worthy of your time. Ditch them all.

God I'm so sorry that's horrible for you, she's obviously been chatting shit about you behind your back as well.

I don't know what the right answer is or what you should do. Something similar happened to me earlier this year and I found it devastating.

Queen bee is NOT your friend, and never was. She is an insecure projecting wreck who reflects her own insecurities when speaking to others that she dislikes or feels inferior to. You are not her therapist and what she said is disrespectful. She also sounds dull at dish water if all she has to think about is the next assault on your waist line, love life or job opportunity. Can you imagine a life where the only thrill is putting people down in a very obvious way? No, me neither. I had a clone of her on the school run a few years ago, and avoided like the plague as she was comedy rude, and you could see her coming. Her sad, boring, repetitive life was only enriched by gossip and one-liner put downs. She picked her targets well, but all the school run parents eventually avoided her as her record never changed. The other friends are weak and don't want to stand up for you, as Queen Bee might start picking on them. Abandon ship, and find new friends. Better friends.

It isn't shameful to put on weight, nor is it something that needs an excuse. It sounds like you've had a fucker of a year so be a bit nicer to yourself and your body please!
Your 'friend' though, is a cunt. Don't be nice to her. There are ways to raise concerns about a friend's weight, it you are worried about their health, that come from a good place. Saying fucking hell have you eaten a whole sandwich is not that.
Depending on how much the others have let you down either turn up to the show, head held high, let people know factually and not emotionally what has happened, or if they feel like a lost cause then just walk away on to bigger and better things.
Life is to short for toxic people.

She sounds like my mum! I don't know what that means for either one of us.

They all sounds awful. Worried about your health my arse! You've put on a stone and a half fgs not 10 stone! (although even if my friend had put on 10 stone I wouldn't be so patronising as to mention it like I was worried and they hadn't noticed). I'd tell them all about themselves then walk away and never look back.

They're a bunch of high school bully bitches.

You sound like you are afraid of losing these friends but honestly I think you would be better without them.

How awful for you. I'd probably go and see how the land lies. You will at least have one friend there. I agree with others that they have probably sided with her because she is more dominant rather than her being in the right. It's also likely she has bad mouthed you to the group.

I'd probably start looking at building some other friendships through your bf, work, hobbies, or meet up groups. Even if they are all ok with you Saturday I wouldn't fully trust them to have your back now.

I'd not go, she was rude and they are following suit. Even the one who spoke to you was rude

You’ve been through worse, mate, by the sounds of it. Hard to say if you’ve got the stomach, wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, but I’d front it up, go, even if it was awkward. Faint heart never won fair hand. At one time I’d have bowed out but why the fuck should you? Don’t go quietly into the past. If she wants to be a bitch, meet her head on. If it all goes South, what have you actually lost? Also, the one who said it wouldn’t have been intentional, and they were concerned, nah. It’s eighteen pounds!

Leave the whatsapp group, they will all know what they have done in not supporting you, you can make new friends elsewhere, what a horrible crowd.

Listen OP, first of all I am appalled by the treatment you had from the so called friend and that you haven’t snapped earlier.

She is no friend but an arrogant idiot.

Secondly, I would go regardless, it’s your paid ticket so it’s their problem if they have anything against you.

You could ask the one who is speaking to you what has been said or what is the ongoing matter as you can’t read other people’s mminds.

If the above fails, I think the friendship ran its course and it would be best for your sanity to let it go, as having someone making such nasty remarks would not be something I would like for myself.

You truly deserve better OP 💐

I agree with this assessment of what has happened. The others will have noticed the subtle (and perhaps not so subtle) signals that she is a bullying type. It looks like none of them are brave enough to call a spade a spade and call her out for what she is. One of them apparently has a conscience and tries to be nice, but even she also tries to make excuses for the bully.

With friends like these….as they say.

Can you get a refund for your ticket? If so, personally I would take the refund, but don’t let them give away your ticket to someone else for free! In fact, if you can get a refund I would not even bother to tell them I would not be turning up. I would leave it at that.

I would have to also point out her behaviour, and that their siding with her reflects badly on them, and anyway, they had just better watch out as one of them might be the next victim. I suspect after this little incident, the bully has claimed her position as ‘Queen of the pack’ and the rest of them are her minions. Looks like they already know their place.

Sorry for you OP, you come across as a very warm person, and you have tried your best to brush off this appalling behaviour. You were right to draw the line, for the sake of your own self respect, which is not worth sacrificing for these supposed ‘friends.’.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It can be so tough to get past and take such a long time. You won't find a person who hasn't been through it tho.

To be fair, if the others haven't come to you separately then they have taken her side. The friendship has run its course. When this happened to me, I left the group and blocked them on social media. It eased the pain to be the one who ended it officially but also I wondered if I should buckle because I also had no other friends but there is no point spending time or pretending to be friends with people who simply aren't.

If you don't go, the friendship won't recover. If you do, it may blow over. Until next time.

I think there is something more here you’re not aware of. Or maybe you’ve posted your perception but that may not be reality.

your view , your perception makes it very odd that a bunch of grown women would ditch you, when you’re the nice one, so it’s hard to explain why this happened to be honest.

Also op, did she say these things word for word as you’ve stated them here, or did you translate? Because it is maybe your interpretation of what she said, and what was actually said, was different, hence why the women have seemed you’re the one out of order.

often what is said and what is heard can be different, especially if a sensitivity at play

100% agree with this. As I said in my other post, the bully is now ‘Queen’ they have given a teeny bit of power to her, and they are now her minions. I’ve seen it before and been on the receiving end. Ironic in my case because I was alienated after befriending the person being bullied.

I don't like the sound of your friends, they should of rallied round you and made sure this hateful woman was fully aware how inappropriate her comments were from the start.

however I know how lonely motherhood can be and if I had friends I would hold on to the tight. I have one mummy friend who is local and I wish I saw more of her.

So weighing it up I think I would go and find out the lay of the land. I don't think I would give up on all of them just yet. But I don't think I would bother with the nasty one, unless you got a sincere apology for her behaviour and she changed.

So sorry you are going though this xx

Do you think the other friends didn't notice the comments or hear them the same way you did? I'd suggest talking to the so-called friend that said so many hurtful comments, something like 'when you said this, I felt this', list as many examples as you need, and explain that's why you reacted at that time, because it was all of the comments that really bothered you and were unfair/mean. Hopefully you'll be able to come to some mutual understanding, maybe not friends. Then to the other friends, you can explain you've spoken directly about this with a brief outline, and that things are resolved now, and can hopefully carry on enjoying the friendship with the others?

This lady is correct

Your so called friend is a type, and they do this, for whatever warped reason they have

There have been other threads, where me and others have all had it happen to them

Where our good friendship group dropped us, as if by command of this “type”

Its hurtful, but you will get over it, and have a nice life, without these people

Your Queen Bee has clearly been working up to this for a while

It happens so often, and I assume she’s jealous of you in real life

It doesn’t help now, but you are well rid of her.

This is absolutely right. I'm not good at making friends but I met a group of friends through a hobby. We spoke on social media every day and met for events to do with the hobby and even weekends away. One of them was very controlling and I tolerated her because I liked the others so much. One day she took offence to something one of the others said and left our FB group in a huff.

After a few weeks she unfriended me and started reaching out to the others. They all said we will stick together, but when I couldn't get hold of any of them one evening and it coincided with her birthday, I knew they had all gone out with her.

There was less and less chatter in our group, so I knew she had made a new one without me. To this day I don't know why she picked on me and not the person who had made the original comment. I do know that she has now dumped all the others now and they came to speak to me at a recent hobby event. I'm polite nothing more. I was so devastated when it happened that I couldn't be involved with them now.

I have to agree with all comments on here, this individual seems to projecting onto you, it really does sounds as if she is really quite unhappy within her own life, and it does sound as if she is really quite jealous of you too, could there be a chance that the others within your group praise you a lot of the time and this ‘bully’ doesn’t like it in the slightest as it does sound as if she wants to be the ‘popular one!’ And she is letting you know this by the nasty comments that she is making towards you, ‘friends’ don’t pull other friends down, especially female friends! Play it by ear with regards to Saturday, see how you feel as you have nothing to prove as you are not the one that is in the wrong! But personally if it was me I have to agree I would post what she has said to you on the WhatsApp’s group or on FB, or whatever social media platform that you know that they will all see, as there is no one in a better position than you, to get your point across! Through life you can have many acquaintances, but real TRUE friends stay and support and uplift you when needed as they know it will be reciprocated! Keep your chin up and keep us posted 🌷

If you go, can you not be with them? I'd go alone if I wanted to see it and had paid for the ticket, but wouldn't want to be part of the group because they're not your friends. For whatever reason they've sided with the evil witchy one. TBH it says a lot about their characters. They're not nice.

I am concerned about how you speak about your weight gain...to my shame l have put on weight etc. There is no shame in putting on weight. It happens to lots of people but they are still the same person. I was 8 stone when l made friends in my 20s and now at nearly 12 stone l still have the same friends in my 60s. We get on better than ever. Is this whole weight thing something going on in the group..is your hobby crossfire or something? Makes me think you are as well off rid of these people if they care a toss about your weight.

Should say crossfit!