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What do you want / look for in a friend?

61 replies

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 04/12/2023 20:43

What attributes do you like them to have? What makes you want to keep them in your life? What interests you about them?

I've just been reading another thread where one poster said she only has friends who make her "feel good" but how do your friends make you feel good?

I've let a lot of long term friendships drift this year and it's been a strange few months. I'm interested to know what people's standards are friendship wise because to be honest I'm cutting off that many people at the minute I'm starting to think it's me and I'm the shit friend!

OP posts:
TheSuggestedAmendment · 05/12/2023 00:06

I will happily spend time with anyone who’s up for a chat and a laugh.

This. I have a much lower bar for friendship than most of the previous posters. Mainly, I just like people who are companionable and say hi in the corridor.

I love deep friendships but I honestly value the ‘How was your weekend?’-type friends I make at work or various activities. (Are we even actually friends? Don’t know, don’t care - it’s pleasant).

Those friendships make the world turn better. We probably do have different values/outlook/passions, but so what. I’m no friendship prize myself being both busy and boring so I’ll take (and give) what I can.

Museum10661 · 05/12/2023 00:19

we get along and no appearances of any Machiavellian perspectives

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 00:55

TheMoreYouKnow · 04/12/2023 22:35

Someone who doesn't make me feel like theyre fitting me in. Someone whom you can have a laugh with and it's not all about their dcs. Recently realised I know very little about one of my friends as she's always on about them and little else.
Someone who knows that I will be there for them.
Someone who will be happy for my successes and me for them.
This is a big one-someone I can trust 100% with anything I tell them and they with me.

This
also frequent contact and practical support if needed and possible

Ive lost friends and I think it’s that my wants are too much for them, especially the frequent contact. I didn’t think weekly text chats were too much but I’ve realised a lot of people do find it too much

OP I’m curious why you’ve cut people off.

novocaine4thesoul · 05/12/2023 01:48

I like funny, intelligent people that are not judgemental. I am prepared to put up with some (but not all) behaviours if I get this. I don't overly like those that are too earnest, or have a political bee in their bonnets.

HoHoHoliday · 05/12/2023 01:54

Someone who is willing to make as much effort with our friendship as I am. A good friendship, just as any other relationship, takes effort to maintain. As soon as one party stops making the effort the friendship will flounder.

Okaygoahead · 05/12/2023 02:09

This is actually a very thought-provoking question! I think sense of humour, intelligence but also a genuine interest in others. I’m less and less tolerant of self-centred people (and there are a lot of them!) as I get older.

Taurusandvirgo · 05/12/2023 02:40

People who make me feel good is mostly about the things they don't do, more than anything.

I CBA with people who flake out on meetups for pathetic reasons like feeling tired, hungover, couldn't get childcare because you didn't try until last minute, had a better offer, decided to give your mum a lift to your auntie's house because she didn't feel like getting the bus etc etc. Like honestly, just organise your life so you can attend the things you've committed yourself to. Respect the other person's time and the fact that they may have had to turn things down or shift arrangements around to accommodate this meetup too. If something goes unexpectedly tits up with your life/week cancel in good time, not the day before (unless you genuinely didn't know there'd be a problem until then) or worse, 5min before you're due to be there. Also, grow a spine so you don't say "yes, absolutely, I'd love to!" whilst secretly thinking "help, how do I get out of this?!" It's easy, just say "no thanks" at the outset. Any hurt feelings are going to be much less than if you flake out last minute.

Don't ask to borrow money and give an unrealistic timescale for repaying. If you can't give it back until 6 months time, say so, don't say you'll repay it next week knowing you can't then avoid the person's calls for 6 months. Consider your debts to friends a priority after food and other essentials, not an optional extra that you might repay after you've paid the deposit on your summer holidays. And don't be scrounging every month like your mates are a second overdraft facility.

Have opinions. Nothing worse than someone who always says they don't mind, to absolutely everything. Except for those who think it's their mission in life to convert you into agreeing with their opinion. It's ok to disagree, you know, and not be clones of each other.

Friendships should be fun. We all have problems and we all need a moan now and then. Moaning endlessly about some self inflicted situation that you could change but won't take steps to do so, is another matter. Don't be that person who only contacts your mates when you want help/advice/to vent, arrange fun stuff too.

You needn't live in each other's pockets, but check in. If you haven't heard from them in 6 months it's best to ensure they're still alive and not going through some horrendously bad stuff but unable to reach out. Liking someone's pics on Facebook doesn't count as being friends, nor does a status update post of what you've been upto. They're your mates not your entourage, they don't spend their lives checking social media to see what you're upto, contact them with your news and ask for theirs.

Keep people's secrets. Keep their personal stuff private. Nobody wants to be the subject of gossip. If you want people to socialize in a group with your/their partner, maybe don't tell them every little nitty gritty bit of every single marriage problem so they hate your man. It's also going to be awkward next time I meet your cousin now you've told me her last baby was taken into care. Oh me? I'm totally fine, nothing to see here! (Not letting you shoot your mouth off about me to all and sundry). Without any trust it's difficult to be true friends.

If somebody has a bereavement/breakup/mental health crisis, don't leave them alone and uncontacted until months have passed and you think they're over it. It's fucking cruel. One day, you'll be the devestated person going through a tough time and you'll want your mates to check in on you and cheer you up a bit by distracting you with everyday normality.

It's not rocket science. Just don't be a fucking twat, basically.

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 05/12/2023 07:33

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 00:55

This
also frequent contact and practical support if needed and possible

Ive lost friends and I think it’s that my wants are too much for them, especially the frequent contact. I didn’t think weekly text chats were too much but I’ve realised a lot of people do find it too much

OP I’m curious why you’ve cut people off.

Edited

Probably not so much cut off, more taking a big step back and no longer sending "hi how are you" messages at all next year (resolution).

I've a feeling this time next year I'll have pretty much lost touch with a lot of "friends" but in reality it won't have actually made a difference other than my watsapp being a lot quieter.

OP posts:
BullysSpecialPrize123 · 05/12/2023 07:34

BullysSpecialPrize123 · 05/12/2023 07:33

Probably not so much cut off, more taking a big step back and no longer sending "hi how are you" messages at all next year (resolution).

I've a feeling this time next year I'll have pretty much lost touch with a lot of "friends" but in reality it won't have actually made a difference other than my watsapp being a lot quieter.

And I probably only send them once every couple of months. Weekly contact would be way too much for me.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 05/12/2023 07:50

"honesty. Can’t stand liars ugh such weak people. If you can’t be bothered to come for a drink just say that, it’s fine. Don’t make up some crap excuse that makes me lose all respect for you."

Yeah this is a big one for me too. Needless liars, bullshitting me. Weak and self-serving, no respect. Happy to pull the wool. No integrity.

MMMarmite · 05/12/2023 08:06

This is an interesting thread. And shows that any set of instructions on "how to be a good friend" is pretty much doomed to failure, as different people want opposite things in their friends.

Vasilevich · 05/12/2023 08:15

Conversation flow easily - shared interests, warm, can have fun together and in time trust. Good boundaries and emotionally mature.

I'm not interested in friendships with people who are overly interested in gossip (especially badmouthing), have passive aggressive tendencies, brag/humblebrag, monologue, self absorbed...

Clydagh · 05/12/2023 08:22

MMMarmite · 05/12/2023 08:06

This is an interesting thread. And shows that any set of instructions on "how to be a good friend" is pretty much doomed to failure, as different people want opposite things in their friends.

Well, yes, but maybe useful as a corrective to all those threads where an OP says, in bewilderment, ‘But I’m nice! I go out of my way to help people! Why does no one want me in their lives?’

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2023 08:24

Kindness, honesty, intelligence, great sense of humour and a magnificent crafting addiction.

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 12:35

OP just out of interest, do you have partner, children etc

I'm just thinking because it sounds like no one has upset you or done anything "wrong", it's just not for you any more?

i'm single and childfree and my friends were family, but I got dropped like a hot potato in lockdown.

I miss the days where people were in touch daily, never mind weekly! With my bestie, I'd say we used to know each other's schedules. But with elderly parents, and her having a director level job, that's fallen off.

I've very much stepped back on the elderly parent front but even when it was full on, I really wanted my friends to be in touch just to talk about regular stuff.

GigiAnnna · 05/12/2023 12:36

Same sense of humour ,trust and loyalty.

FrozenGhost · 05/12/2023 13:12

Like pp I don't think this question really gets at how people actually become friends. In reality you meet someone, and there is a rapport and you both enjoy it. For the friendship to develop and be maintained, you both have to put some work in. But as for why that rapport develops? It just does.

Its not like I made a list of positive qualities and went out and found the people who have them all and made them my friends.

My friends are nice but that isn't the reason I like them. I could (and have) met someone who is extremely nice, loyal, moral and intelligent. But the rapport just isn't there so we don't become close friends.

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2023 20:32

Someone who is willing to make as much effort with our friendship as I am. A good friendship, just as any other relationship, takes effort to maintain. As soon as one party stops making the effort the friendship will flounder.

See, I can't agree with this at all.
Firstly, when you are good friends, you don't need to 'make an effort'. Yes, we can all go through bad times now and then, but if any relationship requires you to have to 'work at it' or 'put effort in to it' constantly, then that doesn't sound like a great friendship to me.
Then, you can remain friends with people who aren't available for a few weeks, or months, or even years. I've got some friends I don't speak to for months and there are times when we don't get to meet up for 3 years or so, but as soon as we can get together, we just carry on like we saw each other the day before. No floundering friendships here.

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 20:38

@FrozenGhost To be fair, that’s not the question op asked. Whole thread in that though.

@UsingChangeofName Re people not being in touch for years, I find you can’t pick up and carry on because so much has been packed into that time. So much happens! I think bring a friend means wanting to keep in touch, or you’re just acquaintances

EmmaEmerald · 05/12/2023 20:39

Wonder if OP will return

Almost reads like a New Year resolution to get rid of friends.

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 05/12/2023 20:45

The obvious things eg kindness, honesty, not being flakey, some who I feel better after spending time with

But also I need to see or have contact with them fairly regularly. I know we all have busy lives so I don’t expect to speak each day or expect instant replies to messages, but I have a few “friends” who I can go a year without speaking to, for me that’s not a great friend

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/12/2023 20:53

People who are not always busy so that booking a time to meet up isn't a headache. By that I mean basically people who have time and space in their life for me.

This is a big one for me. I have lots of friends I only meet a few times a year because they live far away, and that's fine.

For friends that live close though, I favour those who are available and keen to meet often. I have friends who live a mile away but are only available a few times a year - I'm not really bothered to keep those friendships. Although I haven't found a non-accusatory way of saying that so this far I just keep seeing them twice a year.

lunaticfringer · 05/12/2023 20:57

It's so so simple for me. Do I look forward to seeing them? Do I feel good when I'm with them? Do I feel good after I've seen them?

And that's it!

I don't make demands on them or have high expectations of contact levels or support.

I used to feel so much pressure to keep up with people and be friends with everyone and now I don't! It's great.

SandyWaves · 05/12/2023 21:08

People that are good at listening, don't take themselves too seriously, funny and someone you can trust 100%...a friend is someone who you know would protect your name even if you weren't there. That to me is someone you never let go.

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2023 21:58

@UsingChangeofNameRe people not being in touch for years, I find you can’t pick up and carry on because so much has been packed into that time. So much happens! I think bring a friend means wanting to keep in touch, or you’re just acquaintances

We'll have to agree to disagree then.

I'm thinking of one friend in particular that I started school with 47 years ago. Of course, pre internet, pre Facebook, pre e-mails, pre texts, pre mobile phones, payphone in a shared corridor in halls at University, then no phone in shared houses, keeping in touch was very different, but we did. Then we've had various spells when I was very busy with young dc, when she lived abroad for a few years, and caring for dying parents between us when it wasn't possible to see one another, and the letters weren't that regular, but, believe me, when we did meet after longer gaps, our friendship was (and is) as close and as rich as ever.

But I also have other good friends that I might only see once a year. Still good friends though.

I agree with @lunaticfringer
It's so so simple for me. Do I look forward to seeing them? Do I feel good when I'm with them? Do I feel good after I've seen them?
and
I don't make demands on them or have high expectations of contact levels or support.
I have plenty of friends so don't rely on any one person for support with anything.