What's the best limerick you've ever heard?

[KenAdams]

We were discussing limericks this week and I haven't heard a good one in ages.

Anyone got a favourite they'd like to share?

Too market too market with my brother Jim
Some fucker threw a tomato at him
Now tomatoes he likes
But this fucker came in a tin. 😁

It should be, tomatoes he likes when they come in a skin
But this fucker didn't
It came in a tin. 😁

There once was a man from Vancouver
Who couldn't write limericks, like, at all
On the other hand
He was quite good at haiku
But, no-one liked them☹️

You win

There was a young lady from Ryde
Who ate apple pie till she died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her inside

There once was a lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In less than an hour
Her face was in flower
And her hair was all covered in weeds.

From an old episode of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, improvised line by line...

I once met a doctor of physic,
Who slipped me a strong analgesic.
I fell to the ground,
When I woke up, I found
I was chained to a lamppost in Chiswick.

I also like:

A certain young man of Bombay
Took a slow boat to China one day.
He was tied to the tiller
With a sex-starved gorilla,
And China's a bloody long way.

A daring young fellow called Paul
Once went to a fancy dress ball.
He decided to risk it
And go as a biscuit
But the dog ate him up in the hall.

I liked Ronnie Barker's limerick that he wrote in a copy of Edward Lear's original book of limericks - he went through them all adding more amusing words:

There was an old fossil called Lear
Whose verses were boring and drear
The last lines were the worst
Just the same as the first
So I've tried to improve on them here

There was a young man of Japan
Whose limericks never would scan
When asked why this was
He replied “It’s because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two

There was a young girl from Madrid
Who swore she'd never been rid
Along came an Italian
With balls like a stallion
And rid her like Billy the kid

There was a young lady from Ealing
who had an extraordinary feeling
she lay on her back, and opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling.

The other one I like is the fancy dress ball biscuit one above.

And of course there's Spike's masterpiece:

There was a young man from Dundee
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp
When asked "Did it hurt?"
He said, "Not very much. It can do it again if it likes"

There once was a lady called Grace who's corset would no longer lace
Her mother said Nellie
there's more in your belly
than ever went in through your face .

There was a young man from Lee
Who got stung on the neck by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said not at all
It can do it again if it likes

There was a young woman from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass
Grew from her arse
And her ears were covered on weeds

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Most poems rhyme
But this one doesn't

I've slightly mangled Spike's classic !

@WestendVBroadway. I know that one but I think my dad taught me the rude version 🤣

A policeman from Clapham Junction
Long ago ceased to function
He spent most of his life
Deceiving his wife
By dexterous use of his truncheon

There was a young fellow from Cosham
Who took out his eyeballs to wash 'em.
His mother said "Jack,
If you don't put them back,
I'll stand on the damn things and squash 'em!"

There was an old man from Bombay,
Who slid down the stairs on a tray.
He bumped into the queen
And said "Sorry, old bean!
But you shouldn't have got in the way!".

There was a young man from Verdun

There was an old man from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
The blades of grass grew out of his arse,
And you couldn't see his willy for weeds.

Aaah, Daniel Cleaver!

@grumio and @TellingBone I'm moderately sure I know both of those limericks from the 'New Oxford Book of Light Verse' which now seems to be sadly out of print!

There was a young girl from Madras,
Who had the most beautiful ass,
Not round and pink,
As you’d probably think,
But grey with long ears, and eats grass.

My favourite is the young man from Japan.