Has anyone taken a real dislike to you for no apparent reason?

[Beautifulwintermornings]

I had a manager at work who seemed to really dislike me. I'll never know why. I always worked my arse off and I never said a cross word to anyone. I was quite new to the role although not to the organisation. And if anything I was probably overly compliant.

She'd completely blank me. On a Monday or after annual leave she'd go around asking everyone how their weekend/holidays were but blank me.

She tried to blame me for things I hadn't done a few times. She once rather aggressively asked me why I'd signed for something that I shouldn't have, confronting me with the paperwork. When I calmly told her that it wasn't my signature and I didn't know whose it was she huffed and puffed, no apology.

She gave others credit for work I'd done.

She was going through the office once with a drink and she looked as though she was going to spill it. I very kindly said something about being careful not to scold herself and she said she'd like to pour it over me. I just sort of half laughed thinking she must be joking but actually it was completely inappropriate.

To this day I'd like to know what her problem was with me.

Yes, absolutely. It hasn't happened very often but it's extremely obvious when someone doesn't like you.

I can think of two occasions. Both I think jealousy and matters that were outside of my control. Once when I was 20 and in a part time job - my manager liked and trusted me and gave me a lot of responsibility. One woman didn't like that and used to bitch about me to colleagues behind my back, saying I was really full of myself- who then told me. I noticed that when I was there with her this woman also used to try and boss me around even though she was not my superior.

Then when I was a bit older, and had DD1. Again, I got on really well with the manager and another colleague was I think envious that I got paid more due to my qualifications and experience, and that I was slightly more senior to her.

I used to find it quite hurtful when I was younger and wanted everyone to like me. From my late 30 onwards I started to develop more confidence in who I am and realise that not everyone has to like you, and it's inevitable that some people won't. It's usually nothing whatsoever that you have done, and more than you remind someone of someone else they don't like, or there are other reasons such as their own personal issues.

I've never had this but then I'm fat, unattractive and lacking in confidence, although competent at my job and hard working. No one takes a dislike to people like me, we pretty much have 'non threatening to your career or relationship' tatted on our head.
I agree it's nearly always jealousy or racism.

Yes, that was probably me when I was younger.

Oh yes indeed. If they've never even spoken to you, then it has to be some sort of prejudice.

Not so much disliked me but being excluded and I've no idea why.

Case 1 - Aunt's funeral. I was close to her and would visit regularly. She had no kids so a cousin organised everything. Every other cousin was given a job to do at the funeral apart from me. I sent her a message asking why - got no reply then when it was her husband's funeral, I wasn't even allowed to sit in the family pews.

Case 2 - Work colleague whom I was quite friendly with has started virtually ignoring me - I'm retired now so only meet her occasionally. Twice I've tried to start conversations with her and have been given the most basic answers and it was obvious she didn't want to continue the conversation.

What bugs me in both cases is that I have no idea why. I have never done anything to upset either of these people. I'd love to know what their issue is.

Likely reasons for instant dislike are

• strong reminder (whether personality or looks or voice whatever) of a person they detest. This may not even be known to them and can be subconcious.
• personality clash - something about you rubs them up the wrong way. Eg I know someone who is very outgoing who cannot stand shy people. She says she finds them repellent! (yes I know but giving it as an example)
• prejudices - again may be subconcious or latent)
• you've done or said something that has pissed them off or offended them but you aren't even aware of it. A passing comment that seems innocuous to you may have offended them or been seen to be rude (if you are watching Squid Game, the woman who cut up the apples and was so upset by the man who didn't want them and thought he was rude that she then really had it in for him. I wouldn't have even given his behaviour a second thought).
• jealousy (but not very likely - this is something people tell themselves to feel better but it's not often a real basis for that instant dislike)

& never forget the probably apocryphal and much attributed to many people line (one attribution here)

Why,” Lloyd Webber once asked Alan Jay Lerner, “do people take an instant dislike to me?”
“It saves time,” said Lerner

Are you around his age or younger and attractive? Because if so, this is probably self-preservation. He just doesn't want to invite any suggestion that he might be looking elsewhere. Much easier just to ignore you.

I do this with husbands of mum friends to a point as well. Just a quick hello and move on, I'm not remotely interested in them and not up for inviting the ire of my mum friends by seeming overfamiliar.

@KittensSchmittens I'm probably around his eldest daughters' age and wouldn't say I'm attractive, more rocking the frazzled single mum look. I'm not sure why he can't even manage a brief 'morning' as we pass by. I thought at first he maybe disliked my kids if they were too noisy or something, but he has grandkids who scream the place down and I saw him chatting with another family on the school run with some of my dc's friends there and he was being very sweet to them. So it's just me, my exH and the dc he apparently won't speak to. To my knowledge we've never done anything wrong in our neighbourhood whatsoever and get on with all our other neighbours, including his own family. So it's a weird one!

Not at work but had this with another mum at school years ago. It all got really weird. I won't elaborate but she got so obsessed her marriage broke down.

It won’t be for no reason, there’s always a reason why someone dislikes you but it’s usually something you did subconsciously or it’s just your personality, we don’t all gel together. Could also be the other person’s insecurities, perhaps feel inferior to you in some way. There’s always a reason, you just don’t know it.

All the time 😂

I had one in one of my earlier jobs when younger. At interview it turned out we’d both been to the same secondary school. When I started she made a comment to me of “we can’t all be oil paintings can we Gonna?” In reference to my looks, I think she thought that I thought I was attractive! This boss had her mother work at the same company, as a manager too.

After 3 months I had a probation/appraisal meeting. She was really harsh, I think I just passed but she wasn’t nice. I mentioned it to colleagues afterwards and they were shocked as they thought my work was fine. I decided to leave after that and got another job.

Her best friend at work and colleague who was also leaving took me aside when I left and told me she didn’t really like our boss but had to keep up the pretence for work. She said when she left she was going to try to see less and less of her. We weren’t bitchy about this boss but she had a manner which was really abrasive and unnecessary.

Lots of power struggles in this place though!

I have a strong visceral dislike to my work colleague.

I try really hard not to show it, but I'm sure she is aware.

Everything about her gets on my tits, her voice, her overly loud brash voice and her inability to listen to what anyone else has to say.. she's done it as well/better etc. she's a super arse-licker too with management, which I can't stand.

She's probably a nice person deep down, and harmless but she grinds me gears every time she opens her gob. It's exhausting.

Just curious, does anyone who has been treated like this call them out? I couldn't imagine coming to work and having my manager roll her eyes at me and walk away middle of me speaking and me not pull her up on it. Manager or not i wouldn't let someone treat me like this without standing up for myself. A lot of these people instantly change their attitude when they realise you wont stand for it

Yeah there was a woman a couple of jobs back. It was my first job after having a baby and I had bad anxiety and she was lovely to everyone except for me. She was rude and horrible to me and when I went crying i. The toilets she gave me a hug! But she was still awful to me. I didn't tell anyone because I thought it would make it worse. We both handed in our notice at the same time ans I found out a few months later from a mutual colleague she'd been having a shit time with her partner and was taking it out on me. Everyone tried to tell her she was out of order but she wouldn't listen. I wish I'd reported it to our big boss now and I won't ever take that again.

Different behaviour calls for different approaches. If someone wrongly accuses me of unprofessional behaviour then yes, I challenge it openly and robustly. I've been accused of covert sabotage of a team work situation, with absolutely no evidence, and I let rip and let my then line manager know exactly what I thought of this. (Oddly enough, our working relationship subsequent to this was fine). I rarely lose my cool, but this is one situation in which it did no harm.

I've had to challenge someone for directly plagiarising my work (in my occupation this is the ultimate no-no. You can lose all credibility). It was difficult, but had I not done so it would possibly have reflected very poorly on me. I went to the person's superior, reported what had happened (with evidence), and insisted they deal with it. I was willing to step back and allow them to do so as they saw fit. It was done, but if it hadn't been, I'd have publicised the issue and that could have been very awkward in a number of directions.

If someone wants to roll their eyes and behave like a PA dick, I really couldn't care less. I have zero time for that kind of behaviour and am not even going to react to this shit, much less pull them up on it. They can always claim plausible deniability, with the risk that you'll then be the one who looks combative and possibly a bit nuts. A PA type will also back off (or escalate) when they realise their target hasn't even done them the courtesy of noticing. And if they do escalate, you immediately gain the upper hand.

I had someone do this to me, and when they got no reaction for months it boiled up inside them. They lost their shit one day and began shouting at me in the corridor. I just turned my back, walked off and left them mid-flow. They were disciplined.

I came here to comment the same thing.
I always try to be nice to people but most just don't seem to like me I probably come across as a bit weird /shy.
When I was younger I remember being a bit put out that people didn't trust me with their secrets despite the fact I'd never tell anyone and yet they'd tell other more "normal" people who would go on to make their secrets common knowledge.

Sorry kinda going off on a tangent lol

Just returning to say yes it’s jealousy. I forgot in my second job the PA/EA to chairman hated me and was constantly being nasty and bossing me around. I was only 18/19 and a bit shy but others saw her doing this and said she was out of order. Once, one of the men said “she’s probably jealous of you” and I was staggered by this, she was in a relationship, just as attractive as me (not that I was comparing myself) and I was just the receptionist!

So, yes, most cases it’s jealousy. You can’t do anything about it either, if you stand up to them or shut them down it sometimes works. If anything it makes me more want to (and have always done this), be nice to people and try not to get petty things get in the way of day to day working relationships.

Yes

but I am his manager

I think it’s down to that he hates having a woman as his manager

, yes, most cases it’s jealousy.

It really isn't!!! In some cases it may be I grant you - but most? No way! Like I said it's something people say to make themselves feel better.

Think of the people who you detest. How many of them is it because you are jealous of them or how many is it other stuff of the kind I've listed above?

Most common I reckon are having unknowingly offended them/pissed them off when you really ahve no idea or just triggering dislike because of stuff unrelated to you (similarity with an ex they hated/bully at school/hated cousin)

Unfortunately I don't think it was jealousy with this person. I think she was just hard faced and didn't like me. I reckon she was easily irritated and I was an easy target.

I did once hear someone describe her as Hitler. Also later heard that she'd had run ins with several people and would often go behind peoples backs reporting them, even telling lies.

Although she definitely had her favourites at work, there are some people she wouldn't have dared to cross.

All in all she was pretty two faced but didn't seem to mind showing her dislike towards me.

Ha! Yes! I've had several airline stewardess take an instant dislike to me. On one flight the head steward came and apologised to me! Bar men as well in my younger days when I went out out.;) mums in the playground....
I have sharp features/no soft edges.i make more effort to smile these days which helps.
You do you is my moto now.

@dishwasherquestion ok in some cases it’s jealousy but in some it’s not that.

In my cases there’s no way I’d have pissed them off/offended them, maybe the second person but that was more her perception of me and how she thought I thought of my looks/myself. The first person got off on being nasty to lots of people including graduates at our company but if I’d stood up to her I think she’d have stopped. But I was young and immature and she was mid 20s and more mature but got off on throwing her weight and power around.

@Beautifulwintermornings yes I agree with you that some people are hard faced, you’re an easy target and they have favourites. I used to work for someone similar to this who ended up disliking me a bit but she had arselickers (her favourites), was hard faced and she liked to single out easy targets for unpleasant behaviour. Luckily I missed out on most of that.

I'd been perfectly fine at work but changed departments. The new group consisted of 8 women, and I replaced one of them who had moved on.
One of the girls in the group made it clear from her at first cold attitude, moving on to sarky comments and downright rudeness that she resented me replacing her friend. Unfortunately within days she had everyone else on side with her. Every day I was punished for being Not Shelley.
They became a thoroughly nasty bunch and I moved on after a few months.
The irrationality of picking on me for not being someone else meant I didn't take it too personally, although it was unpleasant. Not as unpleasant as living inside their heads though.

An ex boss was vile to me. Another colleague (who boss also hated) told me she (boss) only liked people she could feel sorry for. She felt sorry for one of the receptionists as her DH worked away , 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Felt sorry for another team member as she had a nursery age kid and nursery would always ring for her to be collected as they were crying for her every day.

Boss hated me as I was early 30s, single and childless. It’s like she couldn’t identify with me at all (all staff in her team were married with kids) and thought there was something wrong with me.

She hated the other lady as she was well off and didn’t really have to work and wouldn’t take any shit from boss. They ended up having a screaming row, a mobile phone was thrown and lady told the boss to piss off 😂.