Anyone had to deny their kid opportunity for something great/fun due to proximity to exams?

[Echobelly]

So I came to pick up my oldest (15) from singing lesson the other day and they'd been told about an opportunity to audition for a part at major opera house - they've done a children's chorus there already and they were so excited. My heart sank a bit as it's GCSE year and I couldn't see how they could do it, but it turned out that it was in a period where doing it was just about plausible without it being disruptive and so cautiously we continued and my DH, who I thought (kind of hoped) would oppose it was for allowing it.

But now we've had a school progress report and it's not great - they're not getting bad marks but they're more than a little under what they are capable of and we both have to agree, sadly, that it's in part because of music stuff they have been doing.

They get so absorbed by it that they just focus on practising their music stuff above everything else. I just feel awful because I did these sorts of singing parts when I was a teen and they were an amazing experience... but at the same time I don't think we can risk them underacheiving at GCSE because of it. Obviously, it's not guaranteed they'll get the part (as it is, I think they probably want slightly younger kids) but unfortunately the timing just isn't right, and they are getting to a stage where they're getting bit old for children's parts, though I did do some during 6th form.

Has anyone else had to turn down great opportunities because they were just too near exams?

Rather than denying it can you help them plan their time to ensure they get the work done they need to help improve and help them balance.

Lots of teens need this support, I am a teacher and had a similar conversation with a student today - they said they aren't the best at sorting their time, so I suggested a range of ideas to help, plus suggested they asked parents to help them get a plan in place to do what they need to do.

So many teens spend more time than they should doing other stuff, this sounds like an amazing opportunity.

Weve just had a close shave with an international Scout camp. DD will do her final SATs exam on the Thursday morning, then leave school to travel to the camp.

Honestly... we would have probably risked the fine to allow her to go as its going to be a lot more beneficial than stupid SATs. But the headteacher has already confirmed that it can be an authorised absence.

Agree it would be more beneficial to help her manage her time and do the singing she is so excited about. I see so many kids forced to give up their passions because of exams - it’s completely backwards in my opinion. In life we need a balance, something like this creative and expressive might actually help her mentally to be in a better place to do well in the exams? (As long as she does revise as well).

The thing is, they'll also be gutted if they underachieve at the exams... they're playing it down at the moment, but they'll be in bits (even though we've told them not to be) if they don't do as well as they'd hoped. They had an unexpectedly bad maths 'one year to go' exam and had to do a retake, and were totally in tears that they felt they'd let their teacher down so badly.

Part of me wishes I could be an easygoing 'Hey, do whatever' parent about this but I know these standards are important to them too. A lot of my mates won't really understand because they'll be 'It's fine as long as they pass' and it's really not that I want DC to get top marks so I can show off about it - maybe this is a bit dorky of me, but getting good exams results is something I was genuinely proud of and consider an achievement in my life and I think they'll feel that too if they meet their potential. And they'll feel disappointed if they don't.

But if they give up the chance of this part amd still don't do as well as they hope with exams, it would be a double whammy.

@PuttingDownRoots

The Headteacher authorised your dd to skip SATS to do a scouts thing?!

GCSE exams are just a stepping stone to the next phase. The singing is a one off (which they might not get anyway). I'd let them go for the singing role.

@blackfluffycat no she leaves just after the last exam. She confirmed that was in the Thursday morning.

Ah ok 😀

It wouldn’t occur to me not to let them audition, with the caveat that if they get the chorus role, you have a very serious conversation about study and effort and how rehearsals and performances need not to be allowed to impact on their school work.

I wouldn't rule it out yet.
Auditioning will take time.
Tell your teen your concerns, and say they have X time to get into a workable routine with school work, or any place will be declined.

When you say "grades lower than they are capable of" how much lower? I'm working on a grade uplift between now and June.

You're not allowing your DD enough agency. The exams are theirs, not yours.

You have to stop thinking for them, stop projecting your feelings onto them: but getting good exams results is something I was genuinely proud of and consider an achievement in my life and I think they'll feel that too if they meet their potential. And they'll feel disappointed if they don't. and start listening to how they feel about their own exams.

Your post here is very judgemental. It isn't that other parents care less about qualifications, it is that other parents focus on empowering their children to make their own choices.

Start talking to your DD about their exams. I would personally seek to support the audition if possible, if my child was very keen.

When you say she might underachieve, what precisely are we talking about?

If you mean she might not pass her maths and English GCSEs then she should definitely focus on her GCSEs.

If you mean she might not get the results she needs to get into the course she wants to do next (A-levels, btecs, specialist music course) then she should focus on her GCSEs.

Otherwise, year 11 is a seriously brutal year. The students are put under a massive amount of pressure and every year at my school we have kids off with anxiety and often suicide attempts because they are so stressed about the exams.

It's a good idea for her to have something to do that is not exams.

I am currently in this situation. My eldest has prelims coming up in a few weeks and can't go to a planned weekend away he has been looking forward to. His Dad is going and another of his siblings so due to exam being on the Monday he just can't. He needs to use that weekend to study. He was okay about it. Understands he would have been tired from the travelling if he arrived home Sunday night. It just wouldn't work. He is getting a few ciders to drink weekend after his prelims instead.

We 100% do not want them chained to a desk and doing nothing but exams, the issue is life would have to be nothing but that and exams, with no room for friends and anything else. And this is a heavy commitment so close to the real thing if you're not on solid ground with how it will go.

DH has softened his stance after sleeping on it to telling them we think they may have to pull out - there is a school learning day thing today where we meet the kids' form teachers (he's going as I have work stuff I can't get out of) and there is a possibility he'll get some reassurance. He wants to try to talk to year head who might be more hard nosed than form tutor, so if year head thinks DC could consider going through with the show if they get the part, that may sway things.

There is no way I would curtail what they are good at.
I would do singing and look at tutors to plug any gaps.
There is still time to bring her up to speed and revise better.

We had this in Y11 my son was given a chance to try out for the regional shooting team but the training was a lot of weekends leading up to GCSEs. In the end HE decided not to take up the place and focus on exams, in which he did very well. He was able to do the national competition this autumn in Y12 having trained all summer and he got a clutch of medals and was fourth in the U.K. which will be his last opportunity as he ages out at 18.
I also think it matters whether dropping a grade means not passing or not getting whatever she needs for next steps, or if she is on track to comfortably achieve what she actually needs - the GCSEs are a stepping stone.

the issue is life would have to be nothing but that and exams, with no room for friends and anything else.
Just checking - you understand it is their life?

If they want life to be school + show, why do you feel you should intervene to make their life be school + friends instead?

Parents get into all sorts of problems when they don't let their children have appropriate autonomy over their lives.

I would talk with my child about what they need to do for school and encourage them to think about whether THEY want to commit the additional time to the show.

If your child really wants to do it then I would let him try. Your DS is at an age now where they need to be involved in the choice. If they get the part then for you and dad to allow it, they have to comit to qualify school work on the rest of the time . Get past papers and work from school in the subjects he is struggling in. The DS need to make that commitment to you and make it clear that if it doesn't happen you will pull him out.
for gcse if he is safe to get above 6 in maths /English and chosen a level subjects then I wouldn't worry too much either

Whilst it’s not ideal, exams can always be resat,, outside opportunities can’t

From year 11 onwards at school I was doing between 15-20 hours a week of music rehearsals, shows and concerts. I was asked to play with adult groups, take part in music festivals and competitions and have done some amazing things. I still passed all my GCSEs with As and A*, managed to see my friends and have remained someone who is very efficient at getting things done. I still play a lot now, around my day job and consider myself so lucky to have had those experiences. Let her audition and see what happens. Having one bad maths exam doesn’t mean she’s failing. It’s very common for grades at this point to be slightly under her targets and she’s still got 6 months to make a difference to them.

So we have just had a discussion with them about it (I'm going to office today) - they didn't panic about the possibility of not doing audition, which is good. They confirmed they're not going to take an RE exam that was a partial-credit option, so that gives them a bit more space. DH is going to try to speak to Head of Year today (I'm going to suggest if he can't do today we try Friday or Monday) as it's a progress meeting today, but just with form teacher, who always makes encouraging noises whereas HoY might be a bit more hard-headed. I am not as concerned as DH - the school do say that students will usually get GCSEs a grade below expected at mocks stage, but I guess 'usually' isn't that reassuring if your child's performance has been a bit unpredictable and the 'problem' subjects keep changing.

I think the point about it's their life is a reasonable one - I'd be up for asking if they are prepared to risk suboptimal (but still good) results in order to do this. Persuading DH might be another matter though!

I don't think it's a bad thing to look back on your exam results and think yes I got lower grades than I could have achieved but I was also doing x at the same time and what an experience that was!

If your child is so distressed at letting the teacher down maybe try to help put that in perspective. The sooner we learn that we can't live our lives based on pleasing other people the healthier and better decisions we'll make.

OK, DH has been to school, is a bit more relaxed now, HoY has assured him DC's progress is mostly fine. I did try to explain to him last night that the school expects everyone to be a level down at this stage from final expected mark and for two subjects they were only a 1/2 mark under and two were on target so that isn't bad going. That leaves just two subjects that are slight alarm bells which is more manageable. DC has also volunteered some other commitments they could give up if they get the role. So I think we are back on for them to audition and we'll cross any bridges if we come to them.

My DD enjoyed plenty of extracurricular stuff including a sport, drama, singing, music. She always did enough work for exams and organised her time. IMO this is important training for life and is good for mental health.
She had a friend who was more or less confined to the house in order to study for exams.
I would have said both of them were equally able, but the girl who wasn't allowed hobbies or a social life failed practically everything. She was completely burnt out. DD got top grades for everything.
There has to be balance and the activities they do outside of school work are enriching and necessary.
I also think that opportunities should be taken when they present themselves, they seldom come around again.