Partner is a weekend binge drinker

[LauraJ86]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years (we live separately) and it has become apparent from staying at his two nights a week that he is a heavy binge drinker. On a Friday through to Sunday he will have somewhere in the region of 9 cans of lager between the pub and at home watching sport on tv.

When we got together he was very transparent that he likes a drink and it was what he likes to do to socialise and relax/unwind. Once he has that first can, he will continue the evening drinking until he goes to bed around 12-1am.

A few important things to note is that he is very functional during the day - he has a high profile job, he dotes on his kids (and mine), attends every event and is present in every situation. He doesn’t suffer from hangovers the next day and wakes up ready to go for the day, keeping to his commitments

He’s never been aggressive during his drinking, if anything he becomes softer, more relaxed and loving.

He has admitted he knows he drinks too much but isn’t overly prepared to cut down as ‘it isn’t harming anyone’ by just chilling with a lager.

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down.

Aside from drinking he is respectful (including when he’s drinking) kind, generous and dotes on me and my daughter. But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I want to be with him but is this something that can just be accepted? It’s so frustrating as this is the only real issue but although his behaviour whilst drunk isn’t overly problematic I do feel it causes a big disconnect when I’m sober and he’s had a drink.

I know it’s up to me as to whether I can live with it (at this point he won’t see it as a big issue) but I’d love advice from people in similar situations, or advice on how to navigate the relationship whereby I feel more comfortable.

As an add-on he always waits for my daughter to go to bed before he opens his first can as he won’t drink in front of the kids

He’s an alcoholic. 100%.

9 a night or over the weekend? Because 9 a night is concerning, over the weekend I wouldn't think twice. I also would not be happy if someone tole.me I couldn't enjoy a couple.of.glasses of wine over the weekend. If I was drinking enough to negatively impact my health or behaviour, that woukd be different.

I’m not sure I am seeing what the issue is here? He drinks a bit more than is advised like a huge chunk of the population.

I have 2-3 bottles of wine over the weekend. Bit more than I should but it’s hardly the end of the world.

Fri-Sun, so thts 3 cans per day in those 3 days? Or 9 cans each day?
I think the first isnt really that bad if he doesnt drink during the week.

To clarify, it is 9 cans a night not a weekend

I’m not sure really. I used to love a drink, lived for weekends, pissed every night possible through my twenties and early thirties. I grew out of it. Tired of hangovers and just bored with it all. I barely drink at all now - the occasional glass of champagne as a treat.

I lived with an alcoholic ex H for 8 years and it steadily got worse. Actually saw him deteriorating before my eyes until by the end the household was in total misery and chaos with huge amounts of family money going on booze and gambling. In hindsight it was obvious where it was going but I didn’t have the experience I do now. I don’t really see that in what you describe. Personally I’d be very alert for his consumption increasing or his functionality decreasing. I don’t think liking a drink at the weekends is evidence of alcoholism just yet.

But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I do recognise this though.

8-9 a night/day at the weekend between the pub and at home

The issue is that he prioritises drinking over anything else, as well as the effect on his health. That's what makes him a problem drinker. That's what's going to be tricky for any future together.

My friend's ex husband was a nice gentle 'few cans after football practice' guy. He died at 52, hadn't worked in years. It escalates.

I would be concerned that during hard times, job loss, bereavement, blending families etc it would be his coping mechanism and become a much larger issue.

Personally I rarely drink so it would be a no go for me.

Do you see yourselv getting married and moving in together permanently? I wouldn't and if I were you and still wanted to be with him I'd just date him and avoid those core drinking times but that's not much if a relationship. If you do want to get married then there are bound to be health implications if him drinking like that

I think lots of people drink like this, I know I do - I can't deal with hangovers through the working week but I regularly have a bottle of wine twice at weekends. I'd like to not, as in, I'd like to not associate 'peaceful relaxing weekend' with wine, and it would be better for my health and weight etc. But that doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic or that it is automatically going to escalate.

This is the level of drinking my relative was at 20 years ago. 10 years ago the wheels fell off and he became a non functional alcoholic. He died an alcohol related death 6months ago.

They broke their partner and child. Please don’t do this to yourself-it will NEVER get better, only worse

It doesn’t affect his finances or his commitment to his family but it just creates a barrier between us sometimes when he stays up later than me to drink - he’s never out of control drunk but I don’t drink much and there is definitely an anxiety on my part over the amount he drinks because of his health and I do t feel as close to him when he’s drunk and I’m sober. Maybe it’s a difference in lifestyle rather than a red flag, out of control situation?

wow OP, I’d say 8-9 cans a day is ALOT at the weekend. That’s 27 cans in 3 days.

He can’t be truly present if he’s drunk that amount. It must affect your relationship. I’m older than you but would find that level of drinking very unattractive and problematic.

What do you want to do? What do you think is the answer (I’m talking about you, not him)?

I do believe that it is known that binge drinking as in this case rots your liver much faster than slow and steady thru the week.

The first time you tackle him about his intake and he tells you to “eff off” you know it’s over. Why wait?

I don’t see the issue? He likes a drink and is still present and isn’t abusive. Sounds like it’s more your issue than anything wrong with him. Do you not drink or not like alcohol? If that’s the case it would be unfair to try and get him to stop and up to you if you want to be with someone who drinks a lot over a weekend.

I love a drink and I’m always a bit disappointed if there’s no alcohol at a social gathering.

no, he’s fit, exercises regularly, drinks water most the time other than those three evenings and takes care of his appearance.

I want to be with him because he’s a wonderful man but I can’t ignore the alcohol. It’s a very difficult situation to navigate

My now ex-husband was like this. We have now split up and I am much happier without him. He was like this, did not drink in the week because of work but he drunk to excess on the weekend when he was off. At the time I didn't think it had an impact on our lives. He still got up with the kids etc.

But it did. He would waste so much money every month on booze. Never wanted to do anything on a weekend evening other than sit and drink. I didn't like the person he was when he drank. He would just sit there staring at the telly or his phone. No conversation etc. Sex was also shit after he had a drink. Then he started falling asleep on Sunday afternoons, was generally cranky when he wasn't drinking. He ate indigestion tablets like sweets because he had a stomach ulcer caused by the drink. Like you, I had such bad anxiety around his drinking and it just put me on edge so badly.

Since he left, it is like a weight had been lifted. I am so much happier. My advice is don't put up with this. It will only get worse.

9 cans a night, even just for a couple of nights, is far too much. He's got a problem.

And if you think about it it’s 27 cans of beer in 48 hours - Friday night to Sunday night.

I wonder what he would say if you pressed him about it? But ultimately he’s a free man, it’s his choice. I wouldn’t be hanging around if there were no major changes.

As far as being “fit” I used to know a amphetimine user who was fanatical about organic food 🤷‍♀️. Maybe it’s his (mistaken) attempt at minimising the impact of that amount of alcohol?

Thanks for sharing your experience. One thing to mention is that when he drinks we still are doing things together - talking, watching tv together, he does his washing, chores, has even painted the bathroom!

historically, he used to be a light gambler, used to smoke, and drink most nights. He made a conscious effort two years ago to stop gambling completely, 5 years ago he stopped smoking.

I thought I’d mention this because he’s made some significant adjustments to his lifestyle that weren’t healthy. He’s now stoped drinking during the week. So he’s made positive changes for his health. He’s also cut down on the number of cans he has. Yes he still drinks more that is comfortable for me, but it’s less than before. So this shows an awareness… for those saying it can only go downhill…. That’s not what I’ve experienced personally xx

How old is he op? A lot of people drink like this but I find they naturally cut down a bit as they get older when they find they get hangovers or the drink doesn’t agree with them so much any more. If he’s in his 50s and still binge drinking then maybe this is just him and his way of life.

It is a lot of alcohol and you don’t drink much so it’s your choice whether to stick with him or not. I personally wouldn’t like it if he didn’t want to do anything but drink on the weekend but when I was younger it wouldn’t have bothered me. In fact I used to drink more than exh because I used to like to drink at home whereas he was a social drinker and only drank on a night out. I don’t drink at all any more so I’m not so keen on weekends being focused on alcohol.

@LauraJ86 see what I see there is someone who has an addictive personality, gambling, smoking, drinking - it's fantastic that he has made progress but what will the next addiction be? It's not someone I would choose to be in a relationship with - it's highly likely not to end well.

It sounds like for the moment you aren't ready to move on and are happy with the status quo.

Also you say it doesn't impact you financially going off the fact it's £15 for 12 Brewdog that's approximately £150 on drink a month, £1800 ish a year - that's a 10 day holiday somewhere

Does he like the drink and in habit or the alcohol- what would happen if you switched all/some of them to low alcohol / alcohol free?