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Original poster

Partner is a weekend binge drinker

111 replies

LauraJ86 · 18/11/2023 13:41

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years (we live separately) and it has become apparent from staying at his two nights a week that he is a heavy binge drinker. On a Friday through to Sunday he will have somewhere in the region of 9 cans of lager between the pub and at home watching sport on tv.

When we got together he was very transparent that he likes a drink and it was what he likes to do to socialise and relax/unwind. Once he has that first can, he will continue the evening drinking until he goes to bed around 12-1am.

A few important things to note is that he is very functional during the day - he has a high profile job, he dotes on his kids (and mine), attends every event and is present in every situation. He doesn’t suffer from hangovers the next day and wakes up ready to go for the day, keeping to his commitments

He’s never been aggressive during his drinking, if anything he becomes softer, more relaxed and loving.

He has admitted he knows he drinks too much but isn’t overly prepared to cut down as ‘it isn’t harming anyone’ by just chilling with a lager.

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down.

Aside from drinking he is respectful (including when he’s drinking) kind, generous and dotes on me and my daughter. But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I want to be with him but is this something that can just be accepted? It’s so frustrating as this is the only real issue but although his behaviour whilst drunk isn’t overly problematic I do feel it causes a big disconnect when I’m sober and he’s had a drink.

I know it’s up to me as to whether I can live with it (at this point he won’t see it as a big issue) but I’d love advice from people in similar situations, or advice on how to navigate the relationship whereby I feel more comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
LauraJ86 · 20/11/2023 17:54

Hi All

Were in talks at the minute about tweaks he can make - if not, I’m not sure of our future x

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 20/11/2023 18:17

That sounds positive, OP.

If he's never realised it's not the normal, maybe he's never thought to address it.

What was his response when you raised it?

.

Original poster
LauraJ86 · 20/11/2023 19:18

He says he’s taking into consideration how it affects me and he’s taking time to think it through. He says it completely makes sense what I’m saying and left it at that. I don’t think he’ll ever stop drinking completely (and I don’t need him to) but even if he stops shy of getting to the point which makes me uncomfortable but still feels relaxed I think I’d be happy at that. Also one night of the weekend it would be good if we went to bed at the same time. That would help

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 20/11/2023 20:47

Good for you for raising the topic! The drinking is estranging you from him in a slow but steady way. He sounds like he has used it to zone out/disassociate from himself for a long time and it has become an unconscious but severe habit. Now that you have been brave enough to name it and notice it perhaps he will find the strength to address it himself. He sounds like he loves your life together so perhaps he will choose you over the drink.

Original poster
LauraJ86 · 20/11/2023 21:23

its been a subconscious thing for a while and it’s always been a niggle - I’ve tried to raise it before but never felt I could be 100% honest because it’s such a sensitive subject. I feel like a lot of the comments on MN were hard to hear but after speaking to people on here and family and friends and after shedding a lot of tears I know at least I’m laying my cards on the table and being honest with what I need. I hope we can work it out

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 21/11/2023 12:51

The difficulty you had in raising it as a subject is proportional to its severity, in a way. There is a very good book “ Families Under The Influence” which argues that it is the whole family that contorts itself around the problem drinker. The weakest/sickest person ends up with the power to silence everyone. Its slso called “the broken stair” because everyone learns how to tiptoe around it. The area of silence and avoidance will grow over time as your feelings are kept in a box so his feelings are not hurt.

Look at how aggressively the chill girls on this thread defended their own drinking? That is because it is threatening to their complacency for you, a stranger, to raise the issue in your own life. There are lots of people whose alcohol dependency is crucial, as they see it, to normal life snd when it is discussed an its harm is explored they become angered and frightened.

The first step is always to stop keeping the secret snd accepting the priority of the alcohol.

AlltheFs · 21/11/2023 13:05

pikkumyy77 · 21/11/2023 12:51

The difficulty you had in raising it as a subject is proportional to its severity, in a way. There is a very good book “ Families Under The Influence” which argues that it is the whole family that contorts itself around the problem drinker. The weakest/sickest person ends up with the power to silence everyone. Its slso called “the broken stair” because everyone learns how to tiptoe around it. The area of silence and avoidance will grow over time as your feelings are kept in a box so his feelings are not hurt.

Look at how aggressively the chill girls on this thread defended their own drinking? That is because it is threatening to their complacency for you, a stranger, to raise the issue in your own life. There are lots of people whose alcohol dependency is crucial, as they see it, to normal life snd when it is discussed an its harm is explored they become angered and frightened.

The first step is always to stop keeping the secret snd accepting the priority of the alcohol.

He’s not a problem drinker. The OP has the problem with it, because of her own issues. That’s fine but it doesn’t make him
the problem. If anything he should probably think carefully if that’s the sort of relationship he wants- it smacks of being a bit controlling really.

5ish pints a night a few times a week
is not a problem drinker. The poor man is doing absolutely nothing wrong. Get a massive grip.

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 13:09

Op he’s not an alcoholic, no doctor would label him as such. He’s exactly what you said, a binge drinker.

the bottom line is if this is a problem for you, tell him , it is then up to him to decide whether he wants to change his lifestyle to meet your requirements or end it, as he doesn’t. And same for you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/11/2023 13:15

OP, what would he be like if he COULDN'T drink, for whatever reason? If there was something stopping him from having his usual intake?

For me, that's the issue. It's the same as with smokers, some can get twitchy and/or nasty if they can't have their nicotine fix. I had an uncle who was a drunk and a horrible one, it put me off alcohol and I recognise the anxiousness.

I also used to work with somebody who was what you'd call, a 'functional alcoholic'. One day when we were meeting he was late, he hadn't been able to have a drink (and was focused on that) and he turned from a considerate, normal colleague into a venomous, unrecognisable man who just lashed out all day.

Not everybody behaves like this with/without alcohol/cigarettes but there's a reason why you get anxious and it's something that perhaps you would want to look into more?

AdamRyan · 21/11/2023 13:21

Ollifer · 18/11/2023 16:40

I'm going against the grain here. I think as long as it's not affecting you or the family negatively then let him crack on. He eats healthily, has a great job, does equal housework etc, quit smoking, isn't grumpy or abusive when drinking. Everyone has their vices, life is fucking hard and can be a slog and I bet a lot of people have a few drinks at the weekend. I almost just think 🤷🏻 yes it's not good health wise but he's a fully grown adult who will be well aware of that.

I agree
He's an adult, it's his choice. You can choose to be with him and accept the drinking, or leave. You can choose to tolerate drinking at this level and leave if it escalates.
What you can't do is make him change. So I'd personally try to disconnect from it (assuming you want to stay with him)

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 13:26

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/11/2023 13:15

OP, what would he be like if he COULDN'T drink, for whatever reason? If there was something stopping him from having his usual intake?

For me, that's the issue. It's the same as with smokers, some can get twitchy and/or nasty if they can't have their nicotine fix. I had an uncle who was a drunk and a horrible one, it put me off alcohol and I recognise the anxiousness.

I also used to work with somebody who was what you'd call, a 'functional alcoholic'. One day when we were meeting he was late, he hadn't been able to have a drink (and was focused on that) and he turned from a considerate, normal colleague into a venomous, unrecognisable man who just lashed out all day.

Not everybody behaves like this with/without alcohol/cigarettes but there's a reason why you get anxious and it's something that perhaps you would want to look into more?

He does not drink during the week, and she said he’s fine. Confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/11/2023 13:38

Cosywintertime, he elects not to drink in the week, not that he can't.

Stop pulling stupid faces and read properly?

intherough · 21/11/2023 13:50

pikkumyy77 · 18/11/2023 14:50

Brits really have trouble identifying alcoholism and alcoholics. Criteria for alcoholism has nothing to do with the “everybody does it! I down two bottles of wine a night and I’m fine” crowd. Nor does good liver function or ability to paint a bathroom determine whether someone meets criteria for the disorder.

100% agree

intherough · 21/11/2023 13:58

pikkumyy77 · 21/11/2023 12:51

The difficulty you had in raising it as a subject is proportional to its severity, in a way. There is a very good book “ Families Under The Influence” which argues that it is the whole family that contorts itself around the problem drinker. The weakest/sickest person ends up with the power to silence everyone. Its slso called “the broken stair” because everyone learns how to tiptoe around it. The area of silence and avoidance will grow over time as your feelings are kept in a box so his feelings are not hurt.

Look at how aggressively the chill girls on this thread defended their own drinking? That is because it is threatening to their complacency for you, a stranger, to raise the issue in your own life. There are lots of people whose alcohol dependency is crucial, as they see it, to normal life snd when it is discussed an its harm is explored they become angered and frightened.

The first step is always to stop keeping the secret snd accepting the priority of the alcohol.

100%

Original poster
LauraJ86 · 21/11/2023 14:23

The problem isn’t that he likes a drink as such, it’s his relationship with alcohol. He abstains during the week and only drinks in the evenings at weekends. I don’t need him to stop if that’s what he enjoys - we all have ways to relax.

however, the issue my side is that after I go to bed he will stay up alone watching sport and continuing to drink. And then when he does come to bed he’s numb and a bit out of it which creates the disconnect. I feel he’s not properly there. That’s why I feel anxious because I know when he comes to bed he won’t be him, he’ll be a zoned out, not with it version.

I don’t particularly mind if he uses alcohol to relax but it would be nice for him to come to bed with me and us have that quality time together instead of him continuing to drink even more.

surely that’s a reasonable compromise that means he can still ‘chill and unwind’?

it’s not about changing him, it’s about finding what will work for BOTH of us in the evenings, not just him.

in reference to him not drinking during the week - nope he says he doesn’t even think about it now but at the weekend he hits the lager without fail… unless we have prearranged plans with my parents or something in which case he’ll have a couple just cos it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to neck 8-9 cans. So he can moderate it when necessary. But the general rule is that he doesn’t

OP posts:
AlltheFs · 21/11/2023 14:35

LauraJ86 · 21/11/2023 14:23

The problem isn’t that he likes a drink as such, it’s his relationship with alcohol. He abstains during the week and only drinks in the evenings at weekends. I don’t need him to stop if that’s what he enjoys - we all have ways to relax.

however, the issue my side is that after I go to bed he will stay up alone watching sport and continuing to drink. And then when he does come to bed he’s numb and a bit out of it which creates the disconnect. I feel he’s not properly there. That’s why I feel anxious because I know when he comes to bed he won’t be him, he’ll be a zoned out, not with it version.

I don’t particularly mind if he uses alcohol to relax but it would be nice for him to come to bed with me and us have that quality time together instead of him continuing to drink even more.

surely that’s a reasonable compromise that means he can still ‘chill and unwind’?

it’s not about changing him, it’s about finding what will work for BOTH of us in the evenings, not just him.

in reference to him not drinking during the week - nope he says he doesn’t even think about it now but at the weekend he hits the lager without fail… unless we have prearranged plans with my parents or something in which case he’ll have a couple just cos it wouldn’t be appropriate for him to neck 8-9 cans. So he can moderate it when necessary. But the general rule is that he doesn’t

You feel what you feel, this is not in any way a criticism- but why does he need to
come to bed with you every night and what difference does it make to you when you are both going to sleep if he “is zoned out/not with it”? I genuinely don’t understand why that matters. It does seem rather picky and unimportant so there must be more to it than that.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone to bed at the same time as DH, certainly not intentionally anyway. I can’t relate to that at all.

mathanxiety · 21/11/2023 14:37

He has his little rules around drinking. What I see in that is:
He thinks he's in control of it.
He plans his drinking.

He is drinking 24-27 cans of lager every weekend. That number probably started lower a few years ago and has crept higher. He has said he needsbit to unwind.

He even drinks when he's at your parents' house, though not as much.

The picture here is a completely dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

Please listen to that anxiety you are feeling. It is justified. You have a decision to make.

youboozeyoulose · 21/11/2023 14:38

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/11/2023 13:38

Cosywintertime, he elects not to drink in the week, not that he can't.

Stop pulling stupid faces and read properly?

Don't understand your point at all. It just seems like a pedantic response. He can go without during the week so clearly he is able not to partake when needed?

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 21/11/2023 14:46

From what you’re describing, and I’m speaking as an ex-drinker who has also dated an ex-drinker, if he holds it steady there, there’s no reason to deny him something he enjoys. “Nagging” him or at least keeping after him might actually encourage him to escalate or hide his drinking. I think I missed your ages but he might also grow out of it. However, you both need to keep an eye on his physical and mental health.

ShenleyWillow · 21/11/2023 14:47

The problem you have is that he doesn't see it as a problem at all yet. And from what you've described about the rest of your relationship he can make a bit of a case for that. Until you can really point to something which has succumbed to his drinking it's going to ber very difficult to address. But I agree it's too much.

NoPallava · 21/11/2023 15:16

As I understood it the OP sees him at the weekend. Both nights he comes to bed (late, after her) completely pissed (it’s just that he has built up tolerance it’s not so obvious). That in itself is horrible, regardless of anything else. He may use it to relax, but the reality is he semi comatose at every weekend bedtime she spends with him. Not nice to be around.

NoPallava · 21/11/2023 15:20

It is very difficult to address and kudos for the OP in doing so. The only thing going in her boyfriend’s favour is that he has knocked a couple of other addictions on the head, so he may be able to “see” this too.

Another way of looking at it is that I think it’s very selfish of him to be so pissed all weekend. Would he tolerate the OP drinking 27 cans of lager I wonder?

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 15:24

NoPallava · 21/11/2023 15:16

As I understood it the OP sees him at the weekend. Both nights he comes to bed (late, after her) completely pissed (it’s just that he has built up tolerance it’s not so obvious). That in itself is horrible, regardless of anything else. He may use it to relax, but the reality is he semi comatose at every weekend bedtime she spends with him. Not nice to be around.

That’s so contradictory, he’s clearly not completely pissed.

NoPallava · 21/11/2023 15:34

Any normal person would be completely passed. The fact that he isn’t is just because of the tolerance he’s built up. I don’t see any contradiction. What do you see in this situ?

NoPallava · 21/11/2023 15:34

pissed not passed

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