Partner is a weekend binge drinker

[LauraJ86]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years (we live separately) and it has become apparent from staying at his two nights a week that he is a heavy binge drinker. On a Friday through to Sunday he will have somewhere in the region of 9 cans of lager between the pub and at home watching sport on tv.

When we got together he was very transparent that he likes a drink and it was what he likes to do to socialise and relax/unwind. Once he has that first can, he will continue the evening drinking until he goes to bed around 12-1am.

A few important things to note is that he is very functional during the day - he has a high profile job, he dotes on his kids (and mine), attends every event and is present in every situation. He doesn’t suffer from hangovers the next day and wakes up ready to go for the day, keeping to his commitments

He’s never been aggressive during his drinking, if anything he becomes softer, more relaxed and loving.

He has admitted he knows he drinks too much but isn’t overly prepared to cut down as ‘it isn’t harming anyone’ by just chilling with a lager.

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down.

Aside from drinking he is respectful (including when he’s drinking) kind, generous and dotes on me and my daughter. But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I want to be with him but is this something that can just be accepted? It’s so frustrating as this is the only real issue but although his behaviour whilst drunk isn’t overly problematic I do feel it causes a big disconnect when I’m sober and he’s had a drink.

I know it’s up to me as to whether I can live with it (at this point he won’t see it as a big issue) but I’d love advice from people in similar situations, or advice on how to navigate the relationship whereby I feel more comfortable.

For context I am 37f and he is 45. He has made comments about it being a young man’s game and his intake is slowing down and eventually he reckons he will slow it right down cos he can’t handle it as much. He’s been drinking since his late teens and his level of drinking has slowly decreased over the years as he can’t handle as much and goes to bed much earlier than he used to. He had a check up at the dr last week and although they gave him a bit of a telling off for the amount he drinks, his liver tests came back fine, not that I’m overlooking the obvious health implications of alcohol or minimising it. He’s lucky I guess…

I want to clarify to those who mention him prioritising drink - that’s not the case. He spends all day Saturday with his kids then in the evening we go out and have a date night where we go out have a great time - I have a couple glasses of red and he has a few pints then we come home, cuddle on the sofa - he’ll make me a cuppa and make sure I’m comfy and fed and looked after. And he’ll have his cans while we watch tv together. Then I’ll go to bed around 11 and he’ll stay up to watch the sport and have another couple as he watches. Then comes into bed and falls asleep.

Agree.

Having been with an addict for over 20 years, I would give someone like your DP a wide berth TBH.

The thing you do need to look at here isn't really him anyway. It's you. You've said yourself that his drinking makes you anxious. Maybe have a think about why? And do you really want to have a partner who makes you feel that way (intentionally or not)?.

What would worry me would be - what would he do if there was an emergency? He can't drive after all that alcohol, and that would upset me. He might be as nice as pie when he's drinking, and he might appear to be fully functional, but his reactions in an emergency situation are going to be shot to hell.

But then I'm a bit sensitive being around people who drink a lot, so that might just be me.

Sadly this behaviour isn’t out of the ordinary.

BUT it’s not for you. I’d be honest with him that you don’t like it. But he doesn’t have to change for you. Actually it’s unlikely.

If he has that character, he will probably just swap addictions.

I don’t see a massive problem with this.

@SeanMean I see it as a problem. Nothing you say OP suggests he will reduce his intake sufficiently.

Are they small 330ml cans, of 4 percent beer or massive cans of 5.5 percent. If the former, this is unhealthy but I wouldn't call it alcoholic behavior, it's 4 pints.

They’re 330 of 4% because I checked - he says they don’t equal a pint they’re about 2/3 or something

If that's your definition of an alcoholic then clearly you've never met a real one.

It's good you haven't let him move in, keep it that way and don't combine finances

Brits really have trouble identifying alcoholism and alcoholics. Criteria for alcoholism has nothing to do with the “everybody does it! I down two bottles of wine a night and I’m fine” crowd. Nor does good liver function or ability to paint a bathroom determine whether someone meets criteria for the disorder.

What’s the definition of an alcoholic?

I came here for advice, not judgment 👍🏻

I think OP you need to focus on what you find uncomfortable, and listen to that voice and what it’s saying, which is what you’re already doing. Keep listening.

People with alcohol issues or full-blown alcoholics can be lovely people of course. It’s understandable you wanting to defend him because you feel that he’s a genuinely nice person.

However, the fact that you are feeling anxious and uncomfortable may be telling you something too. But only you can only know what that is by listening. He may have dealt with some addictions, which is an achievement, but the binge drinking amounts are, objectively, significant.

I'll be honest here OP, I do think you are minimising and trying to convince others (as well as probably yourself) that the issue isn't really that bad. I'm saying that because it's the sort of thing I used to do myself.

You are the one who is questioning his drinking. You are the one saying you feel anxious about it. You are the one who has posted on MN for advice and opinions. I'm presuming because you don't feel happy about it. It doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not. His behaviour makes you feel anxious and you don't like it. You don't need to accept behaviour you don't like in a relationship. Regardless of what that behaviour is.

I wouldn't necessarily bin him off but definitely don't move in with him. It's possible this could get worse instead of better and you really don't want your children to be stuck living in a house with an alcoholic.

5 pints a night, for 3 nights a week is really not that bad.
I really can’t understand the mumsnet hysteria.

If they're 330ml, then they're coke can size rather than a pint, which is 568ml.

Nine 330ml cans is just over 5.2 pints, although you say he's on pints when he's in the pub, so lets say he's probably on about 7 pints a night rather than 9.

It's not great, but it's not exactly screaming alcoholic behaviour either, he just likes a few beers.

At the end of the day it's your decision whether its acceptable to you, noone here can advise you on it. I wouldn't bother trying to get him to cut down, the willingness to do that has to come from him. Your only decision is whether you want to stay or not.

• Understanding The DSM-5 Criteria For Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD)The DSM-5
• DSM-5 AUD Criteria
• DSM History & Background

Given the widespread prevalence of problem drinking, heavy drinking, and binge drinking among young adults and the general public, healthcare providers must rely on a standardized manual for defining alcohol use disorder (AUD).
AUD is a term that encompasses both alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence. It has also colloquially been known as alcoholism.
Today, the manual most commonly used to diagnose alcohol use disorder is the DSM-5.
The Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth EditionThe first step to dealing with any problem in a structured way is to define the problem as clearly as possible.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)defines the problem by creating a taxonomy, or classification system, for mental health disorders. Conditions range from anxiety disorders and schizophrenia to substance use disorders and many more.
With the DSM-5, psychiatry and addiction medicine professionals across the United States can use the same terms, assign the proper ICD-10 medical codes, and administer the best recommended treatments for each case.
DSM-5 Alcohol Use Disorder CriteriaAccording to the DSM-5, alcohol use disorder is “a problematic pattern of alcohol use leading to clinically significant impairment or distress, as manifested by at least two of the following [criteria], occurring within a 12-month period.”
In other words, if you experienced any two of the symptoms from the following criteria/questionnaire in the past year, you can be diagnosed as having an AUD:

1. Alcohol is often taken in larger amounts or over a longer period than was intended. [Do you drink more than you mean to?]
2. There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use. [Do you want to stop, but can’t?]
3. A great deal of time is spent in activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects. [Is drinking taking over your life?]
4. Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use alcohol. [If you can’t drink, are you thinking about drinking?]
5. Recurrent alcohol use resulting in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home. [Is your drinking getting in the way of day-to-day activities?]
6. Continued alcohol use despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol. [Is drinking getting in the way of your relationships?]
7. Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of alcohol use. [Are you sitting things out because of alcohol?]
8. Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous. [Are you drinking in risky settings, or doing risky things while drinking?]
9. Alcohol use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol. [Do you know drinking isn’t good for you, but you do it anyway?]
10. Tolerance, or needing increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication, or having a diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol. [Do you need to drink more than you used to?]
11. Withdrawal, or the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for alcohol as well as drinking alcohol (or taking a benzodiazepine) to relieve or avoid alcohol withdrawal symptoms. [Do you feel withdrawal symptoms when you stop drinking?]

The UK may have different criteria but this gives you an idea of the structure used by professionals to evaluate the condition. And OP’s DH definitely has the condition. He is unhappy and can’t manage social interactions or nights alone in front of the TV without drinking alcohol.

Thanks everyone who has given honest non judgmental advice.

I think I’ve provided a lot of context about our lifestyle and what specifically my problem is - to a degree it’s irrelevant what the definition of an alcoholic is, it’s about how it makes me feel and why.

I am happy with our lifestyle outside of his drinking - I love that he’s ambitious and driven and is good to me and my daughter. Some of the comments have insinuated he blows his money, can’t socialise without drinking etc which isn’t true. that isn’t minimalising his drinking, it’s just stating facts for context.

the problem is that I don’t really drink and he does and it creates a disconnect (I’ve never mentioned it getting in the way of things we do together during the day or our interactions with people socially). The specific problem I have is when it gets to the last couple of pints when he’s tipsy/drunk - it’s no fun at that point and it creates barriers.

thanks for the advice made in that context 😊they’ve been really helpful

Number 10: I think “Tolerance” is an interesting one.

If you drank 27 cans of lager in 48 hours, wouldn’t you be rather ill/all over the place?

But I see you’ve moved on OP, good luck

I think I probably overestimated the amount as cans are the same as pints so it’s probably nearer to 18 rather than 27 to be fair

This ^
And you said it yourself:

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down

He can't even moderate without getting stressed. He prioritises alcohol over everything else, including you and family. He is damaging his health and will probably die early.

And he has zero interest in changing. You know what you need to do.