Partner is a weekend binge drinker

[LauraJ86]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years (we live separately) and it has become apparent from staying at his two nights a week that he is a heavy binge drinker. On a Friday through to Sunday he will have somewhere in the region of 9 cans of lager between the pub and at home watching sport on tv.

When we got together he was very transparent that he likes a drink and it was what he likes to do to socialise and relax/unwind. Once he has that first can, he will continue the evening drinking until he goes to bed around 12-1am.

A few important things to note is that he is very functional during the day - he has a high profile job, he dotes on his kids (and mine), attends every event and is present in every situation. He doesn’t suffer from hangovers the next day and wakes up ready to go for the day, keeping to his commitments

He’s never been aggressive during his drinking, if anything he becomes softer, more relaxed and loving.

He has admitted he knows he drinks too much but isn’t overly prepared to cut down as ‘it isn’t harming anyone’ by just chilling with a lager.

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down.

Aside from drinking he is respectful (including when he’s drinking) kind, generous and dotes on me and my daughter. But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I want to be with him but is this something that can just be accepted? It’s so frustrating as this is the only real issue but although his behaviour whilst drunk isn’t overly problematic I do feel it causes a big disconnect when I’m sober and he’s had a drink.

I know it’s up to me as to whether I can live with it (at this point he won’t see it as a big issue) but I’d love advice from people in similar situations, or advice on how to navigate the relationship whereby I feel more comfortable.

I'm going against the grain here. I think as long as it's not affecting you or the family negatively then let him crack on. He eats healthily, has a great job, does equal housework etc, quit smoking, isn't grumpy or abusive when drinking. Everyone has their vices, life is fucking hard and can be a slog and I bet a lot of people have a few drinks at the weekend. I almost just think 🤷🏻 yes it's not good health wise but he's a fully grown adult who will be well aware of that.

The specific problem I have is when it gets to the last couple of pints when he’s tipsy/drunk - it’s no fun at that point and it creates barriers

I can understand you wanting to stay with him as he is great, apart from the drinking.

But what happens if you ask him to stop before he gets to the last couple of pints? Before he is actually gets tipsy or drunk?

Name changed for this.

My DH used to be like this but he would drink 5-6 days/nights a week. He used to run a small business from home - he’s now semi-retired. He would have, every night, a bottle of wine and at least one bottle of beer. Or he would have a glass of wine and 4/6 beers. At least 3 times a week when we ate out he would have in addition to this, 3 pints during our meal at lunch/dinner. He would not drink on a Sunday but drank almost every other day.

Never violent or argumentative at all - totally placid so I didn’t at first think it was a problem.I rarely drink and never share a bottle of wine with him. Never a hangover, totally functional. Like the OP said, my DH is fit, not overweight and very healthy! I began to notice that he was drunk almost every night. He’d start to slur his words a little, glassy eyed etc. He would sometimes start drinking during the day and would have 3 pints & bottle of wine all before 6pm. By 7.30-8pm his behaviour would change subtly as if he was sad, depressed or something. It was I think a kind of come down. I wondered if he had a problem.

Thankfully about a year ago, he started a new part time job and he just stopped! Just literally overnight. He still drinks but probably twice a week now, same amounts as before. Hopefully he won’t go back to how he was before.

As you say OP, whether or not people would define him as an "alcoholic" is not relevant here. A lot of us these days think it's not really a helpful term to use any more - it certainly helped keep me stuck for years because I was not "an alcoholic" in the traditional sense (no physical dependency, no cravings, didn't drink every day etc) so the very existence of the concept helped me convince myself I was fine, whereas in fact I was at times drinking in ways that damaged myself and others. (I am sober now and have been for a few years.)

All that really matters is whether your partner's drinking is harmful to himself and/or others. And it is harming you, as it is causing you anxiety, and you mention that when he is on the last few drinks of the night and visibly drunk, he behaves in a way that makes you feel disconnected from him (you haven't detailed why and you are not obliged to if it feels too personal).

Apologies if I missed this, but does he know his drinking is making you anxious/unhappy at times? If so, what does he say? If not, how do you think he would react if you told him?

My husband was a drinker when we met (somewhat smaller amounts than yours most of the time, but more regularly, and it did effect his behaviour). Drinking was a big part of his social life - almost all his friends were friends from the pub, who also drank heavily. He chose to stop in order to help me stay sober - (I found his drinking, and having alcohol in the house, really triggering). I did not, however, at any point actually ask him to stop, as for whatever reason (rightly or wrongly) I did not feel it was a reasonable request, but he decided to, after having some counselling. I was surprised - I did not think he would. And it was at that point more than any other that I realised how much he loves me.

At the end of the day, you need to be with a man who puts your happiness over drinking. But asking someone to stop drinking for you can feel like a very big deal.....

If you have any thoughts of leaving him over it though, you should at least tell him the reason, and give him the option of quitting/radically cutting down.

Good luck OP - I hope you find a way through this as it sounds like you both do really care for each other.

I just reread your description of your date night OP, and I wondered if his drinking was having an impact on your sex life, as you mention him coming to bed at a different time - again, it's personal and everyone feels differently about the importance of sex in relationships - for me it would be a priority and something I would want to address. Certainly I think you would be reasonable to raise it with him if this is the case.

Everyone has their vices, life is fucking hard and can be a slog and I bet a lot of people have a few drinks at the weekend

^Totally agree and I’m glad you made that point.

But at the same time there are some observations quantitatively and in other ways which may illustrate “a problem”.

These, of course, can be hard to “see” because to begin with they can be simple normalised coping mechanisms.

OTOH “born addicts” like say Matthew Perry? I think it may be a different kettle of fish from the get go, it’s like they ‘know’ aged 14 at first go.

For others they stay almost at a normal consumption always, but for others they cannot “see” this and then they escalate over time ….

I hope he doesn't drive the next day as he will still be over the limit. The fact he doesn't appear drunk just means he's built up his tolerance to it and needs more to appear drunk he is still drunk and shouldn't be in charge of children. He's going to get worse.

Hi 👋🏼 THIS!! Your comment was so helpful and actually was based on the context I have rather than preconceptions of what he is like, so thankful. I was expecting more comments like this rather than making unfounded assumptions of the situation.

Our sex life is amazing - without going into too much detail, he is very considerate and attentive.

I have said this multiple times but feel like it’s not been heard or acknowledged - The whole issue I have does not relate to our life together and how happy he makes me. I won’t go into detail regarding our history but I’m divorced with a daughter and he came into our lives and took us as a package, no questions asked. I have issues myself regarding past trauma and I’m in counselling and he’s stepped up and supported me unconditionally. He makes me feel wanted and special, he takes me out spontaneously, and drops everything to come help me if I need (last week my tyre burst and he drove an hour without sleep to come
help me - he works nights btw) no questions asked. He has been my rock.

Hes also saving hard to buy a house of his own.

Im saying this as it’s frustrating that people assume he’s a dead beat guy who squanders his money on booze and puts alcohol before me.

However, yes I do have a tension around his drinking in the evening (starts about 7pm onwards) because I feel that when he comes to bed I ‘lose’ part of him due to the fact he’s blurry round the edges and I guess I’m worried I can’t rely on him in that moment if I needed to in the same way as I normally can. This is why I get tense cos subconsciously I feel like I’m less ‘protected’ by him? Sorry that probably doesn’t make sense to many but it does to me.

Never did I say it spills into the day etc and I wasn’t looking for definitions of an alcohol. I know he drinks too much, it’s his vice.

I suppose I was just looking for advice for compromise or ways forward other than just a black and white ‘just leave’

For me the key thing is that it makes you anxious. If you both have DC I’m guessing that the weekends are the times you spend together mainly. So you are anxious most of the time you are together?? That’s not a great way to live.

On the amount of alcohol, it’s way over the recommendations for units per week. So it will be having an impact on his health and if he is driving Susie g the day he is likely over the limit.

In your shoes I’d reconsider my future with this man. Your mental health is important.

What size cans?

330ml is like a coke.
Pint cans are much bigger (obvs).

9 330ml cans is like 4.5 pints. I think that's OK. I mean, it's too much but a 'normal' amount of too much, not alcoholic too much.

Bloody hell.

On that basis, no one could drink more than the driving limit ever.

I see now that you've answered this.

One of those cans is about 1.3 units.
So 9 is 11.7. That's like a bottle of wine.

This is fine imo.

To me, this makes him a heavy weekend drinker but not a problem drinker. Plenty of ppl drink that much.

If you're in solo charge of children, then no, you shouldn't. OP mentions her daughter. She could never, ever, under any circumstances leave this man in charge of her daughter in case he was drunk and something bad happened. What's the point of having a partner who doesn't make your life easier?

I'm genuinely trying to get my head around this. So for example at Christmas time if you have people round or staying over if you have children in the house one person has to stay completely sober in case of an emergency?

'In solo charge of children' -means there are no other adults available, doesn't it? So if you are alone, in charge of a child or children, being drunk is not a great idea, no. And being over the limit at which you could put said child into a car and drive for help isn't advisable either.

The salient words here are 'in sole charge'.

So a single parent can't have a few of glasses of wine at home in the evening...ever??

A glass of wine - fine. Enough to put you over the limit to drive wouldn't be sensible, no. And I've been that single parent who had to put their desire to sink a bottle of wine on a stressful evening beneath their desire to make sure that their children didn't climb out of windows/disassemble the house/find new ways to attempt to kill themselves and their siblings.

Drinking is such a difficult subject.

Me and my partner have just made an effort to drink less because we were getting into a real habit.

What would happen if you needed him to not drink on a Friday or Saturday night for some reason, OP?

9 is a lot and he will definitely be over the limit for driving for at least 24 hours. He needs to be careful with that plus it ain't doing his liver any good of course.

If it’s a deal breaker for you then I wouldn’t stay in the relationship.
I personally don’t think it’s that bad, it’s not great either though. It sounds like he isn’t harming anyone but himself, though it may get worse and then take a toll.

Listen. It’s a lot but it’s not unusual. It’s bothering you though which makes it an issue.
You can either put up with it or you can’t.
You’re making a lot of excuses as to how awesome he is which makes me think you’re trying to convince yourself you can deal with it because ‘he’s so nice’.
Yet it’s not ok. Because the resentment and dislike of his drinking is going to fester and become bigger and bigger.
There are three options really.
Accept his drinking as part of his personality and live with it hoping he’ll ‘grow out of it’.
Leave him
Work with him to change/give up drinking. It sounds very much like he’s not ready to do this.

It sounds like a very difficult situation OP and I hope you can resolve it.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies. Really difficult situation. There is my daughter involved who he is never in the sole care of but when she’s around he doesn’t drink. Only when she goes to bed at half 7 because he feels it’s inappropriate and that’s our family time. He’ll switch on the tv for sports after her bed time where he’ll drink his lager and chill. I never have more than one so always a responsible adult in an emergency. It’s just a rule with us that my daughter will never see the drink (except if we’re having a drink with a meal at a pub). He will drink tea or water up to the evening when it’s then ‘beer and unwind time’

I’ve been trying to gauge the scale that his drinking is on from other people/ it seems a lot to me as I’m pretty much tee total which I think adds to my sensitivity.

I hope there’s a compromise whereby he can still drink to relax but I feel more comfortable, maybe just reduce by a few cans, or just drink two days of the weekend instead of 3. It’s a balancing act but decisions do need to be made.

Drinking levels can be so difficult, OP.

I would say as a generalisation, if one person is uncomfortable with how much the other drinks, or the way in which they drink, as a regular occurrence, it's on the problem scale.

Also that he doesn't want your daughter to see him drink in your home. That's an indication that it's something he knows isn't right for a child to see.

And she's going to get older and her bedtime will get later. His drinking window will get shorter.

Might be a good idea to broach the subject sooner rather than later.

I think you said earlier that he is fine until the last couple of cans. Have you asked him to stop when he gets to that point and is about to open another can?