Partner is a weekend binge drinker

[LauraJ86]

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 2 years (we live separately) and it has become apparent from staying at his two nights a week that he is a heavy binge drinker. On a Friday through to Sunday he will have somewhere in the region of 9 cans of lager between the pub and at home watching sport on tv.

When we got together he was very transparent that he likes a drink and it was what he likes to do to socialise and relax/unwind. Once he has that first can, he will continue the evening drinking until he goes to bed around 12-1am.

A few important things to note is that he is very functional during the day - he has a high profile job, he dotes on his kids (and mine), attends every event and is present in every situation. He doesn’t suffer from hangovers the next day and wakes up ready to go for the day, keeping to his commitments

He’s never been aggressive during his drinking, if anything he becomes softer, more relaxed and loving.

He has admitted he knows he drinks too much but isn’t overly prepared to cut down as ‘it isn’t harming anyone’ by just chilling with a lager.

My worry is that he has a dependency and the alcohol very much controls him as he can’t stop at one. When we’ve been over my parents house to stay he will adapt his intake but I get the impression he deems the evening to be wasted if he’s not drinking alcohol as it’s how he lets his hair down.

Aside from drinking he is respectful (including when he’s drinking) kind, generous and dotes on me and my daughter. But it does cause an anxiety in me when he opens that first can…

I want to be with him but is this something that can just be accepted? It’s so frustrating as this is the only real issue but although his behaviour whilst drunk isn’t overly problematic I do feel it causes a big disconnect when I’m sober and he’s had a drink.

I know it’s up to me as to whether I can live with it (at this point he won’t see it as a big issue) but I’d love advice from people in similar situations, or advice on how to navigate the relationship whereby I feel more comfortable.

No I dispute that. 9 beers, of about 2/3rds of a pint, not strong, is 6 pints over the course of a day, with food etc, many folks could do that , say one pint an hour for six hours and not be pissed.

Sounds like you're not compatible. His drinking isn't causing an issue in terms of his behaviour (which if anything you say improves when he's had a few), it's purely how it makes you feel and your perception of it/the effect is has, so if he won't change then maybe time for you to choose a new partner. If he wants things to work, he may change. But what are you doing to meet him halfway? If the disconnect you've described is when you're in bed and he stays up a bit later are you offering to stay up with him a bit longer than usual?

You're just not compatible. I had this with an ex-partner, same exact language saying he felt disconnected when I stayed up after he went to bed. I was probably consuming 2 bottles of wine over the weekend.

I wanted to stay up and just chill out on my own, watch tv in my own house for an hour with no one talking to me, no kids to mind, meals to cook, jobs to do etc. He eventually ground me down with constant conversations about this 'disconnect' because I chose to stay up later at the weekend and I ended things with him. He wasn't necessarily wrong, this is how he felt, but I just couldn't deal with it.

Your partner isn't drinking that much, 5ish pints a couple nights a week. You're just not compatible. Just end things and you'll both be happier in the long run.

Actually just read this and the ops confirmation. So he drinks 4 pints over the course of an evening for 3 days, and the rest of the time is fit and healthy , exercises, drinks water etc. And some folks think he is an alkie and any normal person would be pissed on that.

op, you have a problem with the 4 pints. For many it would not be excesssive, for you it is, you are not compatible.

It’s not 4-5 pints, it works out to about 8 pints a night which I feel is a lot but like I say it’s not the amount necessarily, it’s the way he uses it to zone out and disconnect. It an unhealthy relationship with it and it’s how it makes me feel so we’re going to have a conversation to see if there’s a compromise that works for us both and if not…. That’s my answer 🤷‍♀️

But you said it was 9 cans (give or take) x 330mls @ 4%?

Working that out is 2,970 mls which is only 5 pints.

Is it actually 9 pints as that's quite a bit more obviously

Ok then he has what 18-19 cans a night?

i looked and it’s 440ml and he can drink about 9 of them give or take

If you're looking for advice from people living with someone like that well preparing to leave then my advice is run a mile because it gets worse and it's soo boring and unattractive. And yes I've been trapped , been naive thinking that the little changes ie swapping with non alcoholic beer is making changes but it's been lies lies and lies alcoholics are good liars but with experience I can't be lied to anymore. I bet your patner drinks more than that however there's no way of knowing as you do not live together

Im trying to get rid of my alcoholic. I get what youre saying, its crap come the weekend when all they want to do is drink into the night and are on another level. Ive worked it out to be 19 units per night x 3 nights = 59 units

are you sure, when you go to bed hes not got a hidden stash? Or wine/spirits?
i often find DH hidden stash/empty cans behind furniture etc

I could be the one writing this. I get really anxious when my H opens the first one. From Thursday to Sunday at home will be just a few a day, if out with friends he will drink for 8/10h non stop. He doesn't drink alone till late hours. His dad, yes. It's a company it seems. Instead, he will drink till seating down to watch something on TV and just falls asleep. This won't get better no matter how much I argue with him about it. And I can see him falling in the same habit of his father. Because he is young, hard worker and perfectly functional person he thinks I am crazy in my observations.