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Original poster

I don’t want guests at our wedding

119 replies

Creamcakesandcoffee · 15/11/2023 08:54

My partner and I have discussed marriage recently and so we’ve started thinking about the wedding we’d like.
I made it clear I would prefer a small registry office ceremony as I don’t like attention due to severe anxiety. The traditional big white wedding with everybody looking at me isn’t my thing. My partner is great and completely understands it needs to be small and simple which he also agrees with.
However the more I think about it the more anxious I become. I want to enjoy my wedding day, I don’t want to spend it anxious and upset because it’s too overwhelming. So something I haven’t expressed to DP yet is that I would prefer we eloped with our children (teens) and have no guests. For me it is something that would make the day more special while also cutting out the pointless extras and wasting money on flowers, alcohol and a party.
I know this suggestion won’t go down well. DP is very close with his family and they are all close with each other. We couldn’t for example only invite his parents as his grandparents, aunts and uncles would all be very offended. His parents would also make a fuss about this arrangement and it would cause a huge divide between us all, with me being the instigator. They would all want a big wedding for us with a reception after and so wouldn’t understand why we’d want a low key day. It would mean at least 30 guests which is too much for me and also bumps up the registry office from £40 to £230. DP is sadly a people pleaser when it comes to his family so I don’t think he’d be happy going along with my suggestion. As the only son/grandson/nephew on both sides he is idolised and they would naturally want to be part of his big day.
I do understand it’s his wedding too and he should have a say, if he wanted all of his family present then I would have to accept it, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My family understand and have told me to chose the day that is best for me as the marriage is more important than the fancy wedding which is for everyone else’s benefit.
Part of me thinks I should grow up and get on with it and let DP have the day his way, another part of me thinks I should call it off to avoid the anxiety and risk of alienating myself from his family.
So AIBU for my thoughts? And WWYD?

OP posts:
ifonly4 · 15/11/2023 09:02

I think it's something you both need to discuss and agree on. I get where you're coming from re eloping, but that still involves family and I think his parents will be very hurt and disappointed if they're not invited. If they're not happy others have been excluded and cause problems, they either keep quiet or not come.

Could you do the day a different way, maybe go for a meal beforehand, then to the registry office afterwards, then home or away for the night? You don't have to have the big white wedding, you can just wear a nice dress/outfit that doesn't draw too much attention.

Bluelightbaby · 15/11/2023 09:05

it’s equally important you both get the day you deserve/want. You can’t just elope with your teenagers as would still require two witnesses anyway.

two options :

suck it up for the sake of your DP and speak to GP prior about anxiety meds.

smaller wedding with just both sets of parents, dont tell extended family about the wedding until afterwards

ToBeOrNotToBee · 15/11/2023 09:07

Book a tiny venue with only a very small amount of guests allowed.
The Love Shack in Knutsford is perfect for what you want IMO.

Then invite people after for a meal at a nice restaurant.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
WellWellSaidTheRockingChair · 15/11/2023 09:09

Could you stand a party?

if so have the quiet wedding and tell no one in advance, so they can’t be offended.

then host a reception for the numbers you and DP want - that means your DP compromising for the wedding day, and you compromising for an occasion reception, so all is fair.

Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 09:12

To be honest I really wouldn't upset parents by doing that , and thastvepukd be a sticking point for me.

You can still have it small.

You could compromise by just having parents and children at the actual wedding. Then have a reception afterwards with everyone invited then no-one is being excluded

Maddy70 · 15/11/2023 09:12

Anti anxiety medication is great too ;)

JustCollateralDamage · 15/11/2023 09:20

Both options will cause you anxiety:
The small ceremony will cause you anxiety during the build up to and on your wedding day.

Eloping will cause you anxiety during the build up and after your wedding day as you deal with the anticipation and the fall out of offended family.

Neither situation is ideal OP - I'm sorry that you're in this position. I don't think you will be able to completely avoid anxiety either way. Weddings are anxiety-inducing even for the best of us!

However, my initial thoughts are that at least if you go through with a small ceremony, you will be able to really bless your husband by partaking in something that his relatives clearly value a lot. There is something in that kind of sacrifice that could bring you closer together, and be a great start to a marriage.

What is your fiancés ideal wedding? Was his dream wedding a small registry office service or has he already compromised on this to meet you half way? I think this is important to consider...

I have friends who "eloped" a few days before with a small ceremony just the two of them and then a few weeks later had a BIG ceremony/reception. This was because they are both really chill people who wanted a private, personal wedding, but were from a culture that really valued big wedding celebrations and felt they couldn't deny their family that. I think this was the best of both worlds. The bride was pretty stressed during her big wedding but she could just grin and bear it because she had already had her meaningful private ceremony with her partner. To her, that was her real wedding.

wokbun · 15/11/2023 09:21

Have a tiny wedding and a big party after?

JustKeepSlimming · 15/11/2023 09:23

First, if his family are that close, why aren't they just happy for him to be getting married to someone he loves, and letting him do it however you want?

Secondly, you need to decide together what you want. I was in a similar position of being very anxious about being the centre of attention; DH primarily wanted us to have a nice day, and he knew I wouldn't enjoy it if it was too fussy with too many people.

Speak to your GP about anti-anxiety meds so you know your options there - think about what options that opens up to you.

If you want a registry office with just you and the kids, do that. Could you have a party afterwards where you're not in a big white dress, but just regular clothes so it feels like a normal family do? Would you be able to at least vaguely enjoy that (or at least survive it but knowing DH was enjoying it)?

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/11/2023 09:24

I think you just need to suck it up OP

Few glasses of champagne- you’ll be fine.

Flyhigher · 15/11/2023 09:26

30 guests is not a huge wedding. Try and enjoy the day. If 30 people loved me and wanted to be in the same room as me while I made a commitment to my love. I'd try to embrace it.

JustAMinutePleass · 15/11/2023 09:27

I think you need to compromise here. 30 guests isn’t a huge amount of people and you both need to have the wedding you want, not just you. If you don’t like the idea of walking down the aisle you could just walk in from the side so the guests are behind you, and walk down the aisle with your DH once you’re married - this is what many Indian brides do. You can book a venue that allows that.

Then the party can just be you and the kids.

MintJulia · 15/11/2023 09:29

Can't you just go to a registry office on a Tuesday lunchtime and do the paperwork without telling anyone. Then ask your parents in law to hold a party at their house.
They get to choose the celebrations and invite the guests, because that bit is really about them, not you. Then you can retreat to bed with a headache if it all gets too much.

I understand your problem completely. I called off my wedding because of all the pressure and stress, and extended family arguing and demanding stuff I hated. Just awful 😟

Deathbyfluffy · 15/11/2023 09:30

It’s important to remember it’s not all about you - I think 30 guests or so is a good compromise.
It sounds like he’d already be compromising by having a much smaller wedding than usual, so I think you’d be unfair to cut it to less than 30.

MetalFences · 15/11/2023 09:31

letting him do it however you want?

Confused

Why would it be a good thing that his family was family 'letting him' do what the OP wants when it's not what their son wants.

Where does he come here?

DibbleDooDah · 15/11/2023 09:32

My sister was exactly the same as you. She ended up having just parents, grandparents, me and the groom’s brother. Just 11 of us including the bride and groom. It was honestly the best wedding I have ever been to. In a small country hotel, midweek, wedding at 12pm followed by a three course meal with us all sat around one big table.

Sure some aunts, uncles, cousins and friends were rather put out but there could be no arguments as it really was very close immediate family only.

They didn’t even have a big party afterwards. She has absolutely no regrets.

MintJulia · 15/11/2023 09:32

I'm horrified that people expect you to take drugs to cope with a party that THEY want.

What sort of love is that ?!?

Devilsmommy · 15/11/2023 09:32

Couldn't you have the small registry office where it's just you and two witnesses and then have a party for your dh family? Sorry you are feeling this way, your wedding shouldn't be an anxiety riddled nightmare😊

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 09:40

Flyhigher · 15/11/2023 09:26

30 guests is not a huge wedding. Try and enjoy the day. If 30 people loved me and wanted to be in the same room as me while I made a commitment to my love. I'd try to embrace it.

OP doesn't want it, neither does she need to try to embrace something because other people care about her, her partner or their wedding.

OP, before I knew I was autistic, I married DH and we had only 2 people there. One was a friend and one a family member - they were only there because we needed witnesses really. I didn't want a wedding at all but I did want to be married so I struggled my way through the very fast and small 'procedure'

The family were really pleased for us when we told them of our secret wedding but tbh if they hadn't been I wouldn't have cared much as my choice to be married had fuck all to do with them anyway.

That said, is there a compromise that can be made where only a handful of very close family are there?

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 09:42

Meant to add, 20 plus years down the line my choice of wedding makes absolute sense but at the time a lot of work colleagues and also friends were a bit taken aback by it. One friend was very sour over it and I wish I had understood myself enough to be confident back then but i meekly apologised and she made me feel shit about it for a long time before I finally freed myself from her

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 15/11/2023 09:42

What about a tiny wedding and then have a celebration party after? Doesn't even have to be the same day.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 15/11/2023 09:45

Don't tell anyone you're getting married, just go to the registry office and grab 2 random witnesses. Nobody needs to know except you and DP.

Having said that, are the pair of you actually compatible? You seem to want such different things.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 15/11/2023 09:46

You say what you want, and what his family wants, but you don't actually describe what he wants. Have you asked him?

Soapboxqueen · 15/11/2023 09:46

You need to discuss this with your dp before anything else. Explain what you would like and why.

Between you, you may be able to come up with a compromise. Something that you both like.

As other pp have mentioned maybe a very small registry office wedding and a meal or party with everyone else. It depends which elements you'd feel comfortable with.

However, if it were me and the options were an anxiety triggering situation (in your case lots of people) or not at all, I'd go with not at all.

Original poster
Creamcakesandcoffee · 15/11/2023 09:48

Thanks everyone
the 30 people are the amount of relatives DP have that would expect to come. We couldn’t invite only say 10 people and leave out the other 20, it’s 30 or none basically. It doesn’t factor in my family either as they are happy to respect my feelings.
DP wants a small quiet wedding too, neither of us want a party/reception. I don’t think he’d be happy to elope or cut down on guests which leaves me in a bit of a situation that either way will make me upset and anxiety ridden. No one would come to a party if they wasn’t at the ceremony.
If I call it off then DP will be upset so either way it will leave him in a crap situation and it isn’t fair on him. It’s both our day but one of us will not enjoy it whichever way it goes basically.

OP posts: