I don’t want guests at our wedding

[Creamcakesandcoffee]

My partner and I have discussed marriage recently and so we’ve started thinking about the wedding we’d like.
I made it clear I would prefer a small registry office ceremony as I don’t like attention due to severe anxiety. The traditional big white wedding with everybody looking at me isn’t my thing. My partner is great and completely understands it needs to be small and simple which he also agrees with.
However the more I think about it the more anxious I become. I want to enjoy my wedding day, I don’t want to spend it anxious and upset because it’s too overwhelming. So something I haven’t expressed to DP yet is that I would prefer we eloped with our children (teens) and have no guests. For me it is something that would make the day more special while also cutting out the pointless extras and wasting money on flowers, alcohol and a party.
I know this suggestion won’t go down well. DP is very close with his family and they are all close with each other. We couldn’t for example only invite his parents as his grandparents, aunts and uncles would all be very offended. His parents would also make a fuss about this arrangement and it would cause a huge divide between us all, with me being the instigator. They would all want a big wedding for us with a reception after and so wouldn’t understand why we’d want a low key day. It would mean at least 30 guests which is too much for me and also bumps up the registry office from £40 to £230. DP is sadly a people pleaser when it comes to his family so I don’t think he’d be happy going along with my suggestion. As the only son/grandson/nephew on both sides he is idolised and they would naturally want to be part of his big day.
I do understand it’s his wedding too and he should have a say, if he wanted all of his family present then I would have to accept it, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My family understand and have told me to chose the day that is best for me as the marriage is more important than the fancy wedding which is for everyone else’s benefit.
Part of me thinks I should grow up and get on with it and let DP have the day his way, another part of me thinks I should call it off to avoid the anxiety and risk of alienating myself from his family.
So AIBU for my thoughts? And WWYD?

I meant "you" plural.

Why, though? I'm not trying to be goady with this reply, but I'm genuinely trying to understand why people feel this way.

For me, a marriage is a legal contract (full of romance, I know😂) but somehow society has decided that this particular contract warrants different treatment.

We don't spend two years planning the signing of a mortgage contract, writing our wills, or any other legal contract, so it's always baffled me a little why a marriage contract is often expected to come with a costly celebration that, in many cases, causes a lot of stress and people losing their shit over who's invited/not invited.

I understand if someone is planning a big party wedding, then not inviting parents if the relationship is a good one is a shit thing to do, but what's wrong with just signing the piece of paper? It really is strange to me that other people feel so much entitlement and emotion around other people's decisions.

If/when my DD gets married, I would never feel the right to have any kind of say or influence in how she does it. We're very close, and it genuinely wouldn't bother me one bit if she wanted to get married with just her and her partner.

Yanbu

Elope and do it with just your children. That's what is right for you.

Plan a big family party that is emphatically not a wedding party some time during the subsequent year. Don't tell people about having got married, let the party be celebrating a different landmark so that you aren'tthe focal point. During the party DH can make a speech announcing that you are now husband and wife as of (date) and that you both know that everyone who loves you both will respect that you needed that event to be low-key and private and that they will be happy to joyfully celebrate it retrospectively with you today

He's a people pleaser who goes along with whatever his birth family wants. That's not a good start to married life. You should be his new most important family, the one he's created. I wouldn't marry him at all because you'll not be marrying him, you'll be marrying his family and that's a big enough problem that it will ruin your enjoyment of your own wedding. Think how much worse it'll be if you have DC and they start sticking their noses in. I'd only marry someone who was truly independent and had properly detached from parents etc in the way an adult with healthy family dynamics should. There's a difference between being close and being enmeshed. I wouldn't marry into a dysfunctional situation, divorce is a PITA. He's a people pleaser for a reason.

As a "people pleaser" does he categorise you as "people" and where do you come in his personal hierarchy for who needs to be pleased if different people's wants and needs are in conflict? This is an important question to settle.

I do think it would be unfair to complete exclude your DH's family if he would want them there. But maybe you can compromise on what they are there for - make the wedding ceremony just you, then have some kind of party/celebration afterwards where everyone is invited.

The party can be more low key - no need for a grand entrance! I know you say that people won't come if they are not invited to the wedding, but then that is on them, not on you. You would have done your part by inviting them to join the celebration.

I expect OP has parents who understand that marriage is about the two people entering into it and not about their parents

The wedding wouldn't be about you.

Aye cos your golden bollocks son wouldn’t have ANYTHING to do with the decision, would he?

I can see this playing out tbh you sound like a nightmare MiL

I'm pretty sure she means she wouldn't forgive her if SHE was the reason no guests were invited. I wouldn't go that far but I would find it very sad to think I wouldn't be included in such an important milestone/life event of the man I had given birth to - and that someone else was insisting on that.

There are two types of parents. Those that make everything about them and those that respect the wishes of their adult children.
We got married with witnesses only. My parents were absolutely fine with it because they'd done the same themselves. My in-laws graciously accepted our decision and never complained once. They were delighted we were married and showered us with good will, took us out for a meal a few weeks later etc.

ffs talk to your DP. You do not know what his reaction will be. Your own comments about what you think he might think are conflicted - a people-pleaser who will want all his family there but that also wants a small marriage but won't want to elope with just the kids?

If he got married without you present it would be because he knew you're the sort to blame his wife for every decision he makes and that you're destined to be MILzilla.

You don't need your parents there. We chose not to have any family at our wedding, just a very small number of close friends.

This is exactly the reason you should go away & get married / do things as you & your OH want.

You don’t want a MIL like this at your wedding - making demands, wanting things ‘her’ way, and emotionally blackmailing her son / blaming you if her demands aren’t met.

2 if my friends just went off and got married
No one thought anyone less than them.
Just happy they'd got married (finally)

Maybe plan the marriage at the register office and tell his family with minimal notice… so 2 weeks is the time it has to be booked for and lie and say you just booked it and only time slot available. I’d go for first thing in morning or last appointment available. Tell them casual clothes etc and book the honeymoon day after- tell them you decided to use the holiday as a honeymoon. You can go to a bar/restaurant afterwards for an hour for a toast. Then home to sort yourself for holiday the day after.

So half a day max to manage your anxiety…

You have to accept that people will be upset. Even the ones who say they are fine about it will still be upset- just better at hiding it. You just have to decide how much you're going to let that influence your plans. The people who know you best will understand.

And there is a lot of ground between "I would never forgive his wife"(wtaf?) and "I really wouldn't care even a tiny bit"

What about you two and your teens plus parents and grandparents, that is a layer of people you don’t go beyond and give just give quite short notice.

Exactly. I would challenge people on here to hand on heart say that they would be happy/non-plussed/happy so long as they''re happy 🙄 if they weren't invited to their children's weddings. After all the years of love, support, hand holding, seeing through broken hearts, etc you'd really have no feelings other than joy in your hearts? I simply don't believe it! OK many of us would choose to suck it up/accept it/not make a big deal of it but it is wholly unreasonable to not expect someone to have the right to feel hurt or sad or even angry.

@PablosTescoBar

come on now, let’s not try and pretend getting wed is like going to the bank to sign your mortgage contract.

I admire in a way those who have a small wedding, and indeed the two couples I know who married with just two friends as witnesses are still together over 20 years later.

I think that's what you should do, and deal with any objections later. You need to address your anxiety issues longer term.

I just had immediate family there, easy for me as I only had 4 relatives, my husband has a very large family and I had never met most of them however I wanted to elope too but I know his family would have had something to say, my family just wanted it simple the same as me. We eventually agreed to invite immediate relatives so I had my 4 family members there, he had mom and dad plus their partners, 2 siblings and his Nan. It was as small as I could get it but it worked well. I didn’t have any stress as I was able to enjoy the day. We also only had a meal afterwards. We did tell everyone we would have a party at some point but casually never got round to it. I was never going to. Do it your way and you won’t regret it. Don’t give in to something you don’t want to do also stress the cost side of it and what else you could do with the money. Your day is for you, not to please everyone else.

That’s what we did. Well, took two friends as witnesses. It only got out several years later because I’d forgotten we hadn’t told anyone else, and it come up in relation to a visa when we were moving countries. Honestly, no one turned a hair. We’d been together for aeons, and even though DS’s family love a big celebration, there was no fallout. Neither of us is the type to waste our time on wedding stuff, and no one could see the point in getting huffy about a party that didn’t take place five years earlier.

It's worrying that you know your partner will be more anxious to do what his parents want than what you want.

I'd just get married with your children there. Don't bother with a big party afterwards, that would only make you as stressed as an actual wedding reception.