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Original poster

I don’t want guests at our wedding

119 replies

Creamcakesandcoffee · 15/11/2023 08:54

My partner and I have discussed marriage recently and so we’ve started thinking about the wedding we’d like.
I made it clear I would prefer a small registry office ceremony as I don’t like attention due to severe anxiety. The traditional big white wedding with everybody looking at me isn’t my thing. My partner is great and completely understands it needs to be small and simple which he also agrees with.
However the more I think about it the more anxious I become. I want to enjoy my wedding day, I don’t want to spend it anxious and upset because it’s too overwhelming. So something I haven’t expressed to DP yet is that I would prefer we eloped with our children (teens) and have no guests. For me it is something that would make the day more special while also cutting out the pointless extras and wasting money on flowers, alcohol and a party.
I know this suggestion won’t go down well. DP is very close with his family and they are all close with each other. We couldn’t for example only invite his parents as his grandparents, aunts and uncles would all be very offended. His parents would also make a fuss about this arrangement and it would cause a huge divide between us all, with me being the instigator. They would all want a big wedding for us with a reception after and so wouldn’t understand why we’d want a low key day. It would mean at least 30 guests which is too much for me and also bumps up the registry office from £40 to £230. DP is sadly a people pleaser when it comes to his family so I don’t think he’d be happy going along with my suggestion. As the only son/grandson/nephew on both sides he is idolised and they would naturally want to be part of his big day.
I do understand it’s his wedding too and he should have a say, if he wanted all of his family present then I would have to accept it, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My family understand and have told me to chose the day that is best for me as the marriage is more important than the fancy wedding which is for everyone else’s benefit.
Part of me thinks I should grow up and get on with it and let DP have the day his way, another part of me thinks I should call it off to avoid the anxiety and risk of alienating myself from his family.
So AIBU for my thoughts? And WWYD?

OP posts:
gannett · 15/11/2023 11:36

I'm unclear what kind of wedding your fiance wants - when you say he wants a small one, does that mean the guestlist of 30 family members, or your preferred eloping with 0 guests? Or somewhere in between?

If he's happy to elope then you should both definitely do that.

If he wants some family members there it wouldn't be fair to ask him to have none. But it doesn't need to be a choice between all 30 and none at all. What's the worst that can happen if some of those 30 don't get invited? They'll moan and whine - let them moan and whine! The kind of people who would cause a serious rift over this are really not the kind of people you want in your life.

Original poster
Creamcakesandcoffee · 15/11/2023 12:14

The 30 are his immediate family who he would collectively want there without leaving anyone out. To him that’s a small wedding. If we had all the family and even friends it would take numbers to at least 80, which would be too much even for him. My predicament is that I don’t want the 30 either. Not because there are issues with them, but I don’t want an audience basically. FIL tends to splash the cash and will definitely plan to book a party with a band and a free bar which doesn’t interest us.
I do have help with my anxiety which works day to day, but in large events nothing fixes it. I took medication prior to a work meeting once where I needed to speak in front of a room of 20, it made me look and feel drunk, I almost lost my job so I wouldn’t want to go down that route again.
DP would never agree to eloping or not inviting guests which is where I feel a bit stuck as to whether to grin and bare it or call it off. Either way I won’t be happy deep down and I’ll be seen as the enemy for either calling it off or banning guests.

OP posts:
DrMarshaFieldstone · 15/11/2023 12:19

But you haven't actually discussed it with him yet? He may surprise you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
garlictwist · 15/11/2023 12:27

I wanted to do this but DP pointed out his family would be really hurt not to be involved and I also accept that mine would be too. As a result we're not married as I can't stand the thought of a wedding with people there! I'm not bothered though.

WhichIsItWendy · 15/11/2023 12:29

Can you just do the legal side of it, so registry office with children as witnesses. Then you have all the time in the world to discuss how you want to "celebrate" it?

RagzRebooted · 15/11/2023 12:35

We had 6 people at our wedding. Set of parents each and one friend/witness each. SIL looked after our toddlers and we met her and BIL at the pub for a few hours after for sandwiches and cake.

I really CBA with the hassle and expense, we just wanted to be married. Neither of us have ever regretted it and we're still together 15 years later despite all the big family weddings we've been to the couples split up within a few years and their thousands of pounds of wedding seems rather wasted!

We're still waiting for our honeymoon, will do that when the kids have all left home/can be left for a few weeks.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/11/2023 12:38

@Creamcakesandcoffee

dont let your anxiety win!
you might even find you enjoy it Op!

WYorkshireRose · 15/11/2023 12:41

Creamcakesandcoffee · 15/11/2023 12:14

The 30 are his immediate family who he would collectively want there without leaving anyone out. To him that’s a small wedding. If we had all the family and even friends it would take numbers to at least 80, which would be too much even for him. My predicament is that I don’t want the 30 either. Not because there are issues with them, but I don’t want an audience basically. FIL tends to splash the cash and will definitely plan to book a party with a band and a free bar which doesn’t interest us.
I do have help with my anxiety which works day to day, but in large events nothing fixes it. I took medication prior to a work meeting once where I needed to speak in front of a room of 20, it made me look and feel drunk, I almost lost my job so I wouldn’t want to go down that route again.
DP would never agree to eloping or not inviting guests which is where I feel a bit stuck as to whether to grin and bare it or call it off. Either way I won’t be happy deep down and I’ll be seen as the enemy for either calling it off or banning guests.

But it's really not that complicated. You just need to tell your DP that you can't do it the way he wants. So the only option is to not get married at all, as you appreciate that asking him to elope would be unfair when his family being there is so important to him. If he loves you, he'll understand it's an untenable situation.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/11/2023 12:53

Family will understand due to your anxiety

Have small wedding you and kids so you enjoy

Then maybe have a party /reception whatever you want to call it a week later

Isheabastard · 15/11/2023 12:55

I was exactly you about 30 years ago. I really mean that, I understand about not wanting to be the centre of attention.

My then fiancé had automatically though of a church wedding, but as I never been religious I felt this was hypocritical. He was happy as long as he got a party

We compromised on a registry office wedding with about 30 guests (close friends and family), back to my mothers house for a buffet lunch, then carried on with a bbq in the garden and a lot of other friends arrived.

I wasn’t dreading it but I knew I’d have to go through the endless chats with everyone about how lovely I looked (I wore a very bright summer dress), all the gushing and social chitchat. I thought it’s would be embarrassing and cringey.

I was so wrong!! Everyone loves a wedding. You find yourself surrounded by people that have so much love for you, they are so happy for you that’s it’s actually a really uplifting experience. I didn’t feel a moment of cringe or embarrassment at all. In the evening when it was cooler, I changed out of my dress into some baggy chinos and a big sweater. Plus of course the champagne helped. But you are on a massive high all day.

I was the sort of introvert that wouldn’t take a turn at bowling when I found myself in a group who wanted to go. I’d rather sit it out. Another time we got the chance to go swimming on a hot day in someone’s private pool. Because I hadn’t shaved my legs that recently, I insisted on staying out and kept my trousers and t shirt on. I would get embarrassed just telling my boyfriend if I was on my period and god help me if he even got to see a box of tampons. I was an idiot. I tell you this because you can see that I was so self conscious that I wouldn’t try out anything new. There’s a thousand other examples I could give you.

So if someone as private as me can truly enjoy the love that just comes flowing and surrounding you on your wedding day, I think you should consider that you can enjoy it to.

By the way, the arrangements you have sound perfect.

LostThestral · 15/11/2023 12:56

Myself & DH eloped abroad last year & took DH's teenage son with us & it was absolutely perfect. The hotel organised everything, we just had to turn up in our wedding outfits with rings on the most beautiful beach. The actual wedding cost about £250 for the Vicar & licence as the basic wedding package (no guests) was included with the holiday

Nosleepforthismum · 15/11/2023 13:06

Okay. In your shoes I would say okay DH, let’s do 30 people at the registry office. Keep it super casual, explain it’s just a formality, wear something white but not a dress and grit your teeth and think it’s only 30 minutes.

Have no reception afterwards/get people to meet in the local for a quick toast and head home.

Week or so later get all dressed up and go out just with your DH and kids to celebrate properly.

UncleHerbie · 15/11/2023 13:22

My husband’s wedding to his late wife was abroad with over 50 guests travelling from the USA and UK, plus more than double that amount from the destination country.

Having had that, he was happy for us to have a low key ceremony. There were six people in our wedding party and it was fabulous. The groom, his children, their godparents and me. Wedding lunch was in a private room at a restaurant. No regrets.

Isthisreasonable · 15/11/2023 13:24

Could you cope with having his family at the registry office for the shortest possible ceremony which is only a few minutes. FIL could then take his family off for a celebration with all the bells and whistles he wants. You in the meantime could set off immediately for a honeymoon with the dcs. (You don't need to be going, you could just tell the family that that was what you were doing)

Consideringachange2023 · 15/11/2023 13:29

If you’re not prepared to find a compromise somewhere then you aren’t going to get married, simple as that.

eloping is not having a wedding - it is getting married. A wedding is an event with people present, getting married is the legal part.

HerMammy · 15/11/2023 13:59

It looks as if you expect him to agree to your wants and he won't get the wedding he would like. There are anxiety meds available and it's unfair for it to control your family's lives

strawberry2017 · 15/11/2023 14:03

You need to speak to DP until you have been brutally honest about how it makes you feel you are not giving him chance to discuss his feelings.
I would hope that he would rather elope then allow you to become physically unwell with crippling anxiety over something that is supposed to be a happy date.
A

Flyhigher · 15/11/2023 14:03

Understand a Fil taking over.
And 30 people on one side of the family is difficult. It's unbalanced. Is there no way you could have a smaller first do and then a party in a weeks time?

Paperbagsaremine · 15/11/2023 14:11

Local council website says witnesses must be over 16 fwiw.

I'd bargain DP down to eloping with either your DC (if old enough) or the 4 parents and DC, and a big party the next day. When you would promptly "get a terrible migraine" and flee, leaving the party animals to get on with it.

Mintesso · 15/11/2023 14:13

If my son got married without me present I would never ever forgive his wife. You must at least have parents.

Notalldogs23 · 15/11/2023 14:15

I think you should just get married without telling anyone. If his family ask for wedding plans tell them you don't see the need to get married. You can tell your kids when they're older.

I know a couple who did this and they just didn't tell anyone, other than close friends afterwards, to avoid family drama.

RecoveringBorderlineIsBack · 15/11/2023 14:21

Would it be possible to compromise. How about a small registry office do with the parents there only? I like the sound of what @Isthisreasonable has suggested.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/11/2023 14:23

Mintesso · 15/11/2023 14:13

If my son got married without me present I would never ever forgive his wife. You must at least have parents.

I agree I think it’s proper tight to get married without even parents there.

noisyfrodge · 15/11/2023 14:24

Mintesso · 15/11/2023 14:13

If my son got married without me present I would never ever forgive his wife. You must at least have parents.

Yes. Don't expect a grown man to take responsibility for himself. Absolutely blame the woman.

PablosTescoBar · 15/11/2023 14:25

Mintesso · 15/11/2023 14:13

If my son got married without me present I would never ever forgive his wife. You must at least have parents.

You'd never forgive his wife? Is your son unable to make his own decisions?

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