I don’t want guests at our wedding

[Creamcakesandcoffee]

My partner and I have discussed marriage recently and so we’ve started thinking about the wedding we’d like.
I made it clear I would prefer a small registry office ceremony as I don’t like attention due to severe anxiety. The traditional big white wedding with everybody looking at me isn’t my thing. My partner is great and completely understands it needs to be small and simple which he also agrees with.
However the more I think about it the more anxious I become. I want to enjoy my wedding day, I don’t want to spend it anxious and upset because it’s too overwhelming. So something I haven’t expressed to DP yet is that I would prefer we eloped with our children (teens) and have no guests. For me it is something that would make the day more special while also cutting out the pointless extras and wasting money on flowers, alcohol and a party.
I know this suggestion won’t go down well. DP is very close with his family and they are all close with each other. We couldn’t for example only invite his parents as his grandparents, aunts and uncles would all be very offended. His parents would also make a fuss about this arrangement and it would cause a huge divide between us all, with me being the instigator. They would all want a big wedding for us with a reception after and so wouldn’t understand why we’d want a low key day. It would mean at least 30 guests which is too much for me and also bumps up the registry office from £40 to £230. DP is sadly a people pleaser when it comes to his family so I don’t think he’d be happy going along with my suggestion. As the only son/grandson/nephew on both sides he is idolised and they would naturally want to be part of his big day.
I do understand it’s his wedding too and he should have a say, if he wanted all of his family present then I would have to accept it, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My family understand and have told me to chose the day that is best for me as the marriage is more important than the fancy wedding which is for everyone else’s benefit.
Part of me thinks I should grow up and get on with it and let DP have the day his way, another part of me thinks I should call it off to avoid the anxiety and risk of alienating myself from his family.
So AIBU for my thoughts? And WWYD?

I’d just do a basic ceremony and then ask dps parents if they want to plan a party for you like suggested above.
I do however think a lot of parents would be disappointed not be invited to their own child’s wedding.
It is different in the fact you already have children and have been together a long time. It’s not like a young couple who both live with their parents. That would be worse for parents not to be invited.
I think it’s more of a formality in the ops circumstances.
Sorry I’m on the fence!

I would tell him what you want but agree to a party when you get back for family and friends to celebrate with you

We eloped, had zero guests, best thing we ever did and no regrets. Pissed my family off but they got over it.
Have a nice meal when you get back instead (we didn’t though, again no regrets!)

It is about you. It's about what you are comfortable with. Elope and if you feel comfortable have a party when you get back. Ffs it's about being married not about a wedding.

I would just cancel it to be honest as it's obviously causing a lot of stress. I think you will really resent your DH and his family if you go through with it. Why do you even need to get married if you already have teenagers?

I work in a wedding venue which does offer civil ceremonies. We've had guests book the ceremony in one room, move through to the next room for a roast meal, drinks by the fire and go home. About 15-20 guests. The aisle was about 15 steps. Maybe something like this is a compromise?

I don’t think it’s very nice of you to call him a people pleaser.

It seems to me that you have a limited set of options

1. Don’t get married (you haven’t so far)
2. Have the wedding without guests and live with the consequences
3. Have the wedding with the guests and deal with the regret
4. You grow a backbone and deal with it, if you think the relationships are worth anything to either of you.

The fourth strikes me as being the simplest. You don’t invite discussion, you calmly say your plan. And you calmly deal with what people say. It isn’t hard really, because you will have thought it through. It’s your choice though

it also sets a good example to your kids.

Is there any kind of event for 30-40 people which would not make you feel anxious? A dinner maybe where there’s no dance or speech or performance element? Or everyone goes to a show together? Or a BBQ? Literally anything.

If there is, then have your tiny ceremony with just witnesses and then do that event. Call it your wedding reception (even if it isn’t a standard wedding reception format).

Your idea of a wedding sounds perfect to me. But mainly because my mum is no longer here so I wouldn't want a "big" wedding without her there. I'd like to just go to the registry, get a couple of randoms to be witnesses and do it without all the palaver. Or run away and get married on the beach in Cuba.

I know we would have to have a party or some sort of celebration though, but that would be for the family not for me.

Might aswel marry yourself if your partners wants and desires don't matter its hes day to

Have a destination wedding a long way away in a very expensive resort. Problem solved.

I suspect it’s the expectations and lead up that aren’t helping you here - and trying to get a handle on all the little extras which are so stressful (ie wedding favours I’m talking about you!!) - and to be honest, not needed. Your anxiety will be building with all of that.
Have you thought about keeping it a surprise to everyone else (so they are invited but don’t know it’s a wedding until they are there) and then you won’t feel the weight of other people’s interference and expectations. Likewise keep it small, relaxed and avoid all the pointless bits and pieces (I did!).
I don’t know if people would care so much about the ceremony if they were there to celebrate afterwards - for example you could book a lovely restaurant and you and DH could get married at the registry office beforehand and then meet everyone at the restaurant to celebrate afterwards and you wouldn’t be responsible for menu, table designs etc - let the restaurant make it wonderful. Let people give speeches organically if they want to. Take a back seat if you like.

It's not about growing up, this is your personality. Do they need to know you got married?

I think I'm probably on the autistic spectrum and never wanted a big wedding. In the end we told my parents the day before that we were getting married and had just them and my brother there. We went for a meal afterwards. We told dh's parents that evening, his sister had got married the month before so I don't think they were bothered.

We did do exactly that for exactly that reason. No one complained when we came back and told them. It's your day not theirs!

I feel this needs to be said more often on here. I often see posts where people say ‘Oh, we couldn’t possibly get married quietly with two witnesses, everyone would be too upset!’ We did this, and so did quite a few people we know, and to date, no one has had any significant negative responses.

In our case, it was perfectly clear that it wasn’t ever a choice between jeans and two witnesses in a London register office and some big 200-guest trad extravaganza with a church ceremony and bridesmaids. It was a choice between not marrying at all and doing it quietly and alone. No one ‘owes’ anyone a wedding.

@Isheabastard I was going to say pretty much this. I am also not a centre-of-attention person at all, autistic, and my husband is also autistic and suffers from anxiety. We had a church wedding with around 80 guests (which was pretty much family and essential friends only - I have a big close family, like her DH).

It really wasn't an ordeal!

I ditched a lot of things like getting my hair and makeup done, and didn't wear heels or a dress with a corset; he wore a normal suit, not a kilt or a morning suit. We kept things low-key and didn't spend a fortune. I will say that we were quite young (20s) and our parents and siblings helped us organise it, which felt more like a group endeavour and less like "Our Big Day which is totally our responsibility".

The other thing we did is build in a few times in the day to retreat and take a breath. It helped us not feel overwhelmed.

I'm not at all saying the OP should agree to a big day if she doesn't want it, but when it comes to it, 30 guests would be 30 people who love you and are on your side, not 30 critics.

ETA: as I say we were young and it never occurred to us to have a small wedding. I don't know that I would have wanted that but my husband might. I am not saying the way we did it was the only or best way, just that it was much less nerve-wracking than we expected.

We went and got married with no guests and 2 random witnesses who happened to be walking past at the time.

We didn't even tell our families or friends. They only found out about 5 years later when one of them saw a random form left on the kitchen unit where we'd ticked the "married" box.

Do you have to get married? I’m not being flippant, it just sounds as if it’s going to be a big source of stress. Based on what you’ve said I’d say you both need to agree that it’s your kids and parents only, or don’t bother. You could have a civil partnership with two witnesses present if you want the legal/ financial benefits, and nobody else would need to know. How about you just park it for now, and see how you feel in a couple of years? Maybe in the meantime you could seek help to manage your anxiety, so that you might enjoy a wedding too. Hope you sort it out.