I don’t want guests at our wedding

[Creamcakesandcoffee]

My partner and I have discussed marriage recently and so we’ve started thinking about the wedding we’d like.
I made it clear I would prefer a small registry office ceremony as I don’t like attention due to severe anxiety. The traditional big white wedding with everybody looking at me isn’t my thing. My partner is great and completely understands it needs to be small and simple which he also agrees with.
However the more I think about it the more anxious I become. I want to enjoy my wedding day, I don’t want to spend it anxious and upset because it’s too overwhelming. So something I haven’t expressed to DP yet is that I would prefer we eloped with our children (teens) and have no guests. For me it is something that would make the day more special while also cutting out the pointless extras and wasting money on flowers, alcohol and a party.
I know this suggestion won’t go down well. DP is very close with his family and they are all close with each other. We couldn’t for example only invite his parents as his grandparents, aunts and uncles would all be very offended. His parents would also make a fuss about this arrangement and it would cause a huge divide between us all, with me being the instigator. They would all want a big wedding for us with a reception after and so wouldn’t understand why we’d want a low key day. It would mean at least 30 guests which is too much for me and also bumps up the registry office from £40 to £230. DP is sadly a people pleaser when it comes to his family so I don’t think he’d be happy going along with my suggestion. As the only son/grandson/nephew on both sides he is idolised and they would naturally want to be part of his big day.
I do understand it’s his wedding too and he should have a say, if he wanted all of his family present then I would have to accept it, but I wouldn’t enjoy myself. My family understand and have told me to chose the day that is best for me as the marriage is more important than the fancy wedding which is for everyone else’s benefit.
Part of me thinks I should grow up and get on with it and let DP have the day his way, another part of me thinks I should call it off to avoid the anxiety and risk of alienating myself from his family.
So AIBU for my thoughts? And WWYD?

You haven't actually discussed any of this with him though? All of your concerns are based on assumptions and second-guessing what he wants. Stop this spiral and talk to him.

Either

1 don't get married

Or

2 get married just you and DP at registry office with witnesses off the street and then you can continue to argue about the party afterwards.

Expanding on that

Can you do a registry office just you two (so you get your way)
and then a blessing or something with his family where you know you won't enjoy it but at least it's not your actual wedding day?

TALK TO HIM

My daughter has very severe anxiety where she feels best lying down in my bed in the dark all times of the day so I do feel for you. Is there a plan c? Is there anyway you would asking mums netters if any of them successfully managed severe anxiety and maybe if you found a way forward you could manage a bit more than you normally do? After years of meds and talk therapy we are currently working on vegas nerve stimulation for my daughter and she has just started emotional freedom technique.
I sounds like a bigger wedding is not just for his family but also for him...but it would be lovely if you could enjoy it too.

Just the 2 of us at our wedding and 1 witness. Don't put yourself through hell.

This sounds perfect!

Well, if he's a grown up, and HE doesn't want a big wedding either, he needs to grow a backbone and tell his family that.

This day is for the two of you - your day - NOT theirs.

I am in the exact same position as you, OP, except I’m your DP in the situation and my DP is you.

We’re in the very early stages of planning but for me, it will be about compromise. I am happy to have the small ceremony with just our DCs and will have to tell wider family where to stick it if they complain, but DM being there is a non-negotiable. Like you, he would rather marry abroad with just the DCs, but DM can’t travel so that’s just not an option. As we’ll therefore be doing it in the U.K., we’ll need another witness, so DP can choose a family member from his side if he wishes (they’re not a particularly close family) or I’ll just get DSis to step in. Her children would be upset that they’re not invited and I would much rather have them there too, but as I said, compromise.

Perhaps we’ll do a big first year engagement party where we invite all the family. I think that will be less pressure for DP (DH by then!) and will also mean my family can have the involvement that they’ll have missed out on.

Why not ask him what he wants
You could have a small wedding and then 30 people after to celebrate. I understand the anxiety. But people love you and want to share it. The family wants to unite in a happy occasion.

Is there a reason you want to get married? Because you don't have to, you know! @Creamcakesandcoffee

Do what makes you happy on your wedding day. People who love you will (should) understand.
My mum remarried after 35+ years with my stepdad (who I call dad). They told us a few weeks later. We were very happy for them and not bothered at all that we weren’t invited to witness.

DP wants a small quiet wedding too, neither of us want a party/reception.

This sounds like he wants what you want

I don’t think he’d be happy to elope or cut down on guests
Maybe I am wrong in this but 30 guests doesn't sound small and quiet

which leaves me in a bit of a situation that either way will make me upset and anxiety ridden.
This sounds like your wedding would be a really unpleasant trial for you

No one would come to a party if they wasn’t at the ceremony.
So you can't have the wedding that you want because of the attitude of the entitled guests?

Has your partner got any suggestions for compromise? Does his family know about your anxiety and how awful you would feel if faced with what to you is too many people?
It's meant to be a special day for both of you but it is sounding like you are in a no-win situation currently.

I do think discussing with your DP and seeing if he can suggest anything may be a way forward, especially if he knows about your anxiety.

Final thought: could the family watch on something like Zoom, so they see everything but aren't in your space?

Op. What help are you getting for your anxiety and mental health? I think that’s the most important question.

really the situation is one of you gets the wedding you don’t wish and is upset. Mental illness gives you thr trump card, but if you’re not getting treatment I’m not sure that stands.

I hated the idea of a big wedding (and luckily my husband agreed) so we had a registry office wedding and just had our parents attend. We did plan on having a party with everyone at a later date, but covid happened so it didn't go ahead.

I wasn't anxious at all leading up to it, I was really excited. I wouldn't change our wedding, it was perfect for us. We went home and had McDonald's and cake. The perfect wedding imo!

First, if his family are that close, why aren't they just happy for him to be getting married to someone he loves, and letting him do it however you want?

They may be, but OP thinks he isn't. And his happiness matters when it comes to a wedding that is as much his as hers.

She describes him as a people pleaser (a term that suggests problems) but even accepting this is the case, wanting your closest family/friends (to a total of 30 people) is not an example of unusual levels of attachment or of passivity.

Gardeningtime
**
really the situation is one of you gets the wedding you don’t wish and is upset. Mental illness gives you thr trump card, but if you’re not getting treatment I’m not sure that stands”

Why does OP need a “trump card”? We should all do exactly what we want to on our wedding day.

That makes no sense, lol. How will they get married if they both do what they want, that’s the whole point of the op 😂

Lots of people saying 30 guests isn’t a lot- I also have severe anxiety and even the thought of getting married in front of so many people makes me feel physically ill! I think since you have an actual condition which makes a bigger wedding so frightening, your partner should compromise here. Surely he wouldn’t want your wedding to be marred by you feeling terrible due to your anxiety!
As to those recommending anti-anxiety medication: for me personally, drugs always make me feel totally out of it/woozy/dreamlike, which again doesn’t sound ideal for a wedding.

You need to find a compromise. I totally understand where you are coming from re the anxiety and wanting to enjoy the day but it wouldn't be fair on him as it sounds like he wouldn't enjoy the day without his family there.

There needs to be sort of compromise.

How about you book a registry office around a lunchtime slot. Tell parents that you want to take them out for a nice lunch and meet them near the registry office (if that's possible!). You, your partner and kids arrive and SUPRISE!! you are actually getting married and have invited them along to witness the ceremony.
If you have an overwhelming urge, have a chilled out gathering a couple of weeks after the event for people to celebrate with you. Not a wedding reception, just a gathering of a few friends/family having a glass of wine and a catch up.

Just get married, and don't tell anyone.

You have teenagers. You've been together for years. Doubt anyone even thinks about you getting married anymore.

My friends did that. Nipped to the registry office after school drop off on their way to work. Sounded good to me.

You need to agree together, it's both your wedding. From what you say, your DP isn't being clear, they want a small quiet wedding, but they do want guests and don't want to elope? Could you do an afternoon tea?

Do what YOU (and your partner want) not what other people want. It’s YOUR day.

I also didn’t want a traditional wedding.

We eloped to New York (just the 2 of us). I bought a designer dress, booked flights & a hotel and booked a slot at the City Hall (the registry office) 2 weeks before.

On the day of the wedding I went to the flower district and had a wholesaler make me up a small bouquet and button hole. After the ceremony we had dinner in a fabulous restaurant.

When we got back to the UK we hosted dinner in a restaurant for 30 close guests.

There was no months of planning, no stress and no money wasted in unnecessary stuff. We had the most fabulous time.

I would highly recommend eloping.

I'm the same. Can't bear attention and fuss. I love other people's weddings but the traditional wedding day isn't for me - the emotional speeches with everyone sobbing, first dance etc. I just couldn't do it!
Can you have a private wedding with only witnesses and then a small family celebration/party a few weeks later? Not a wedding party where you'd feel like the centre of attention but maybe just a nice meal somewhere - or however you'd feel comfortable celebrating. That way you're not really pushing people out or excluding them but you can celebrate with them in a very relaxed informal way.