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Original poster

Is there any point getting married AFTER children?

122 replies

Cottonwoolonastick · 08/11/2023 22:28

Say you have 2 children and your family is complete, you live together, built a life together, all that is missing is the legal contract of marriage.
Aside from the legal protection is there actually any reason to get married at this point?
What is there to look forward to?
For me you get married then having a family to look forward to. When you have done everything you tend to do during a marriage, what is left? Surely it’s very underwhelming?
I get that people do it for love as much as legal protection and it’s up to each couple.
Can anyone who was/is in this position explain how it worked out for you and what future plans you made after the wedding? Did you just continue as you were without any new plans?
(this is in no way a dig at anyone in this position, I’m trying to come to a decision and finding it difficult)
thanks

OP posts:

GanzeZeit · 08/11/2023 22:34

Yes. We did after 20 years together, our oldest child was 11. It was cheaper and easier than making wills (probably should still do this anyway but it isn't such a worry now) and setting up legal contracts to be each other's next of kin (we already had house, bank accounts etc in joint names, both named on the kids' birth certs). Cost about £130 for a bare bones ceremony, no reception, no rings, lots of people don't know we did it as it makes no odds day to day. But it was worth it legally - I see it as a legal contract, not a party (though if others want a party they are welcome to one!)

Tiepolo · 08/11/2023 22:36

Your attitude is a bit weird. What exactly is it that you think marriage is for?

parietal · 08/11/2023 22:36

the legal protection is the big thing - you want to be able to inherit from each other tax-free and to have some protection in case the relationship breaks down.

no need for a big party, but as you get older the legal stuff tends to matter more.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships

Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2023 22:39

Absolutely yes it is worth getting married. For the protection of your children if nothing else

Inheritance tax applies to non married couples with assets over a certain amount. So if one person died then inheritance tax is payable by the other. There have been cases of people needing to sell the family home to afford the payment. Why would you put your DC through that trauma of losing a parent plus their home in a short space of time??

Legal protections are not something to be sneezed at

Squashyy · 08/11/2023 22:39

We had one child before we got married because we didn't want to wait until after to start our family and knew what type of wedding we wanted. I felt relief after the wedding was over that we weren't just starting our family, not quite sure why. We went from engaged, pregnant, new baby, wedding. Our money was our own again and we were able to enjoy not having to save for something.

We had a mini moon and our honeymoon to look forward to afterwards and our first Christmas as a married couple felt special. I loved the first few weeks after we got married and loved our wedding day, we just felt like we were in our own little bubble. DS was 10 months when we got married.

fearfuloffluff · 08/11/2023 22:40

I don't think marriage transforms a relationship, whether before or after children. So in that sense, no - you've made your commitment already.

However unless you're minted and both financially dependent on each other, it makes sense as a legal protection. Otherwise you're reliant on your other half doing the right thing if you ever break up, which is an unwise thing to rely on. There's also inheritance tax and next of kin to consider.

thistimelastweek · 08/11/2023 22:41

If you still want to get married AFTER children then you are truly matched.

Squashyy · 08/11/2023 22:41

Also I feel like I'm in the minority on MN. I don't see our marriage as a legal protection.

GanzeZeit · 08/11/2023 22:43

@Squashyy Do you mean you see it as a romantic thing? Or that the legal protection isn't that good?

NuffSaidSam · 08/11/2023 22:44

From a 'looking forward to things' perspective it doesn't matter what order you do things in does it?

Have kids and get married. Get married and have kids. You look forward to whichever one you haven't done yet and fondly back on the one you have.

Beyond the legal protection it's just a party. If you like parties do it, if you don't don't do it.

TippledPink · 08/11/2023 22:45

Oh and I don't have and don't want any children, he had the snip when he moved in. We got married because we love each other and wanted to show our commitment to each other. I am actually financially worse off getting married as I came to the marriage with a house and large savings, OH had nothing. But that is also a massive part of why you should marry if you have children! Everything becomes the asset of the marriage.

If you think what's the point in getting married, then that could be at any stage of the relationship really!

Easterdaffsx · 08/11/2023 22:46

I was married 25 years and we had 4 dc and then divorced. Never planned or marriage or sharing my life again
A few years single amd now 7 years with dp
Never thought I'd want to marry again but it happened
For me it was the happiest day of my life ever
Looking at him and exchanging our vows in front of all our most special people was beautiful .... yes why not it was magical
We still go to sleep holding hands .
It wasn't just a piece if paper for me it was a commitment and a shared journey to the next chapter
My son 21 cried when he "gave me away " and tears were of absolute joy and our shared understanding of where we had been and where we had been and were we had arrived x

GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 22:48

If the looking forward to having a family was the only draw of getting married, why would couples that don't want children get married? Given that you can have children whether you're married or not and getting married is a legal contract, and having children is not the only and last thing people enjoy or have to look forward to I'm not sure I get where you're coming from OP.

lilyfire · 08/11/2023 22:48

The legal thing is quite important but we married when our three children were teenagers and they did readings at the (small) wedding and were generally part of it. It was sort of like a celebration of us as a family and was fun. Plus there was a nice dinner and cake and flowers which everyone enjoyed.

NovemberRain23 · 08/11/2023 22:50

I got married because you only live once. Do it all I say.

Calmdown14 · 08/11/2023 22:54

Do you mean marriage or wedding?

I totally understand why people get married. As upthread, it's the cheapest way to legal protection.

The huge weddings I don't really understand. Fair enough if you've plenty of disposable cash but I have lots of friends who have heaped extra pressure on themselves paying it all back and I don't really get it.
Sure it is a lovely day but you wake up to everything being exactly the same and it just seems underwhelming.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 08/11/2023 22:56

Surely the legal protection is the reason to get married more so than ever if you have children together.

What is it YOU think marriage is for if nit the legal protection?

BecauseTheWorld · 08/11/2023 22:57

Legal protection, tax benefits, legally being next of kin, if your DH were to leave and father more children in a subsequent marriage and die without a will, the legitimate children would inherit by default*

*that’s probably the least likely I imagine

You don’t need to have a wedding party, you can literally just do the legal documents at the registry office.

Original poster

Cottonwoolonastick · 08/11/2023 23:07

Thanks everyone it’s not so much about the legalities, perhaps a childish part of me just wonders what happens next? You just carry on your life as you did before and that’s that. I grew up imagining falling in love and getting married to then have children and enjoy the rest of our lives together. Marriage to me is the full commitment of being together regardless of other responsibilities that join you. To have the children first you’ve already committed and sealed the deal so to speak, so marriage after that is for legal reasons rather than love and romance.
im probably not explaining myself too well and I’m sorry if I offend anyone. I’m just trying to picture what marriage looks like once you’ve done all the ‘big stuff’ and have nothing left to look forward to.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 08/11/2023 23:11

Here are some concrete things to consider
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

I think legal protection is the main point of marriage, surely... but it's also a sign of commitment to each other (having children together is not actually a commitment to each other, you can still split up and owe each other nothing) and for couples in more established relationships, it's a celebration of your relationship. You can just go to the registry office with a couple of witnesses and get your marriage certificate. Or you can have a wedding - however that looks for you - which is just a really fun party, basically.

I got married before children as it was important to me - I would not have had children without being married first - but I still think it's worth getting married after kids. It would be nice to have your kids there to participate in the day.

Living together and marriage: legal differences

Differences between how the law treats married and cohabiting couples including financial matters, responsibility for children and housing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Astridastro · 08/11/2023 23:15

We had our 4 DCs at our wedding and it was lovely, we had a very small wedding then went on holiday together. The DCs actually prompted us to get married they wanted me to have the same surname as they (I suppose I could have changed it by deed poll) but it felt nice to be finally married, think we were together 20 years.

Oganesson118 · 08/11/2023 23:17

For years we didn’t want to get married then suddenly we did. I have no idea what changed or why though. It just did.

AnotherEmma · 08/11/2023 23:17

I find it really weird that you think once you've had kids there's nothing more to look forward to in a relationship?! As if having children together is a kind of promotion getting married so kids then marriage is almost a demotion?!

In the obvious immediate term you could have a lovely honeymoon after getting married (if funds and practicalities allow; harder with kids). in the longer term it might not change anything in your relationship but so what?

Persoanlly I don't feel that parenthood has been a high point in my relationship with my DH; it's been really bloody hard on us as a couple and we've worked really hard on our relationship - I guess we'll come out stronger in the end but it does feel that our relationship is sadly a bit low on the priority list! So I feel that we still have a lot to look forward to as a couple; I'm looking forward to having more opportunities to have romantic weekends away as the children get older and it gets easier to leave them, looking forward to sharing the experience of seeing our kids grow up, and enjoying a new phase of our relationship when the kids leave home and when we retire... arguably you can have all that without being married. But that's why marriage is essentially just a legal contract and not a reflection of realities of your relationship. There are obviously unhappy married couples and happy unmarried couples.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 08/11/2023 23:22

It feels sad that you think there's nothing left to look forward to. Both because surely you can make things for both of you to look forward to together... build a house? Go travelling? I don't know, have a goal together. Also, because life isn't all about being in a couple, and there is plenty to look forward to without marriage anyway.

If you live together before marriage as many do, then yes, your life just goes on as it did before whether you have kids or not.

I got married for legal protection... I honestly can't see any other reason why you'd bother, but I have been told I'm terribly unromantic.

Ponderingwindow · 08/11/2023 23:27

Marriage is the formation of a legal contract.

its only a big romantic event if people imbue it with that meaning. I personally think that people should get married before children not only for the legal issues, but because it allows them to treat the process of getting married as a truly romantic indulgent time. Doing things in a different order means having other demands on your attention and there is such a short window in life to only focus on your relationship.

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