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Original poster

Is there any point getting married AFTER children?

122 replies

Cottonwoolonastick · 08/11/2023 22:28

Say you have 2 children and your family is complete, you live together, built a life together, all that is missing is the legal contract of marriage.
Aside from the legal protection is there actually any reason to get married at this point?
What is there to look forward to?
For me you get married then having a family to look forward to. When you have done everything you tend to do during a marriage, what is left? Surely it’s very underwhelming?
I get that people do it for love as much as legal protection and it’s up to each couple.
Can anyone who was/is in this position explain how it worked out for you and what future plans you made after the wedding? Did you just continue as you were without any new plans?
(this is in no way a dig at anyone in this position, I’m trying to come to a decision and finding it difficult)
thanks

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/11/2023 12:38

CurlewKate · 09/11/2023 12:17

The only financial benefit of marriage that can't easily be recreated by half an hour with a solicitor is inheritance tax. Which only applies to 5% of the population.

Not true if there is a discrepancy between income/assets of the partners because there would be a financial settlement on divorce that wouldn't exist if unmarried and separating - and you can't recreate that in half an hour with a solicitor.

WarningOfGails · 09/11/2023 12:42

I haven’t read the responses.

I got married after kids. for me, emotionally, being married is no different. Having the kids was the big commitment. genuinely feel that nothing changed post marriage.
But as there was a big difference in our incomes & I spent some time as a SAHM I wanted to be on a stronger legal footing.

also made it easier to get a spousal visa when working abroad.

User03i4646 · 09/11/2023 12:52

We never had children, but we married late - after decades together. Why?

  1. DH has a defined benefit pension that definitely pays out to a widowed SPOUSE but not necessarily to an unmarried partner
  2. inheritance tax

We then benefited from it almost immediately as I had a shares windfall and got to use his CGT allowance that year as well as mine. So we made back the ~£175 marriage expenses within a year.
So 3) can use spouse's CGT allowance etc as transfers between spouses are tax exempt.

Also there are small things, like in some American states they don't charge you extra car hire fees for a second driver when it's your spouse ... Some countries it's illegal (though often not enforced) for unmarried couples to share a room...

You should still get wills and POA sorted though, and check the wills are suitably phrased so the marriage doesn't invalidate them.

We never told anybody but actually I quite like it that legally I am now part of the family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Marriage & partnerships
Sidge · 09/11/2023 13:01

You don't fully understand the legal implications of marriage until you get divorced...

HeffyAgain · 09/11/2023 13:06

I married my husband after 2 children and 10 years together.
I wanted the same surname as my children but I wanted to do it properly (ie not Deedpoll).
It was also nice to wear the dress and have a big party! Topped it off with a family holiday as our honeymoon.
Neither of us particularly have any assets worth worrying about however if we do happen to win the lottery and become multi millionaires we also have the legal protection of marriage.

Takenobull · 09/11/2023 19:11

I can totally understand where you’re coming from. We had a child, house etc before getting married so were in a similar position. Aside of the legal stuff I personally think it just feels different to be married. Don’t ask me how. It just does. An extra layer of security I suppose but not in a financial way.
Its also nice to have something just for us when everything else revolves around the kids, money etc. It’s nice to once a year just celebrate our anniversary and not feel guilty for leaving the kids for an evening or asking someone to babysit.
Sounds silly but these things are important the longer you’re together so it kind of forces that.
Just go for it. What have you got to lose? X

Dingdong90 · 09/11/2023 19:46

Me and dp have been together 15 years, 2 dc and we aren't married . To be honest u don't actually see the point (aside from the legal protection) as it wouldn't change our relationship in any way other than it being legal on a bit of a paper . HOWEVER, if we had the disposable cash, we would 100% get married, we just don't see the point in leaving ourselves skint trying to save for it at the minute because if we are going to do it, we may as well go all out 😂

shivawn · 09/11/2023 19:55

We didn't have children before we got married but we were together over 12 years (since we were 20), bought a house together, adopted a dog, had completely joint shared finances for the previous 10 years, had investments and retirement provisions tangled together and basically had our lives and futures completely entwined.

I wasn't that bothered about getting married because I felt like we were already married, we were 10000% commited and knew we'd be together for the rest of our lives....but he proposed anyway and now I'm glad that we did. I loved our big wedding and I love having him as my husband now.

PictureOfFlorianTray · 09/11/2023 20:00

Legal protection.

If your partner dies and hasn't made provisions then you're stuffed. You'll need to then provide evidence which you'll be hard pressed as you'll be grieving.

meganorks · 09/11/2023 20:18

I wasn't interested in getting married, mostly because I didn't think I would ever be in a position to think I want to be with this person forever. Ditto having children. So when I was certain, we decided to have kids as it was the right time. Once we had kids I did want to be married. I wanted us all to have the same name for a start. And we just kind of wanted to have the celebration with everyone. I know I probably should have been more concerned with the legal side of things but that wasn't really on my mind. It was more the name and the celebration of 'this is us, compete'. We didn't really plan anything beyond that. We owned a house already. What do you need to plan?!

Sumerian · 09/11/2023 20:30

Marriage means very little to me in relationship terms, it doesn't prevent your partner from cheating, or being abusive or ensure you'll live happily ever after - just 10 minutes of browsing on MN will show that putting a ring on it doesn't stop all of the potential pitfalls.

Dh and i have been together 20+ years. Have 2 dc and went for a basic registry office ceremony 5ish years ago. Because of the legal side of marriage.

We are no more or less happy since we got married. Our relationship was lovely pre wedding, and its been equally lovely since wedding. Our relationship was just as solid pre marriage as post marriage. Its changed nothing in our day to day lives, and in fact i frequently forget that we went and got married.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 09/11/2023 20:33

Entirely unromantically, your relationship will one day end, either through separation or death. When that happens, will you/your dc be better off if you're married? If yes, then get married.

Natfrances · 09/11/2023 20:48

I do get what you mean. Both my husband and I wanted to get married first, have a honeymoon and move house before we decided to have children, it was something we both wanted ( hoped we could ) and was looking forward to that next chapter in our life.

ShowOfHands · 10/11/2023 06:58

I got married for legal reasons. If I was going to be sharing my life, house and children with somebody, it needed to be within a formalised contract with the protection that conveys.

Your language around needing something to look forward to is curious. I don't associate marriage with romance and journeys though and my friends who've married post DC haven't either. Their weddings were a great party as a bonus to legal necessity. However, DH has a friend who said his wedding was a strange anticlimax as he'd had his children already and it couldn't "top" that so you're not alone.

Should you get married? Probably. Will it be everything you imagined as a child? Probably not. Should you do it anyway? I would.

Londonscallingme · 10/11/2023 07:00

Inheritance tax! If you don’t get married, when one if you dies the other one will have to pay IHT on everything you inherit from the other (over the threshold).

UKAus · 10/11/2023 08:20

Love being married. It really is down to cultural and couple beliefs. A friend married her long term partner after 20 years, it just "feels different" she says. Her and her husband were not great deciders on marriage but worked for them. For us the wedding was not worth the hassle, the marriage is. For us it feels a deeper commitment regardless of children.

CurlewKate · 10/11/2023 08:32

@Londonscallingme "Inheritance tax! If you don’t get married, when one if you dies the other one will have to pay IHT on everything you inherit from the other (over the threshold)."
If you're in the top 7% yes. 93% of us arenMt!

Nannyfannybanny · 10/11/2023 08:45

Yes, because you want commitment, but the legal protection is VERY important! My DH had been split from his first wife,many years, but not divorced. I had to keep my pregnancy quiet, and him get divorced quickly, before baby was born, complicated legal situation, and she had a "claim" I didn't. He wouldn't make a will (complicated childhood situation) we all went on holiday together,I said if the plane crashed,first his M then siblings, we're all estranged from, would get the house and everything,me nothing! He had to buy the house in his name only, because I had a CCJ, couldn't be on the mortgage documents

Londonscallingme · 10/11/2023 08:47

CurlewKate · 10/11/2023 08:32

@Londonscallingme "Inheritance tax! If you don’t get married, when one if you dies the other one will have to pay IHT on everything you inherit from the other (over the threshold)."
If you're in the top 7% yes. 93% of us arenMt!

The OP didnt mention her financial situation and regardless it will hopefully be a long time before she dies so she might did wealthy regardless of her current asset base. IHT is a benefit of being married for some people, whether it applies to you or not isnt really thd point.

ForgotTheBiscuits · 10/11/2023 08:53

Besides nullifying any legal issues, it’s so lovely to get married with your children there to enjoy the day. I got married after 15 years, and I loved the day and I love being married. The honeymoon period still happened after all those years. It cost just over 3k including a week honeymoon abroad for the four of us. It doesn’t have to be really fancy or complicated to be an amazing and happy day. My children loved the whole thing, I’m glad we waited so long so they were part of it and will remember it. My wedding ring is priceless to me (but cost less than £200!).

CurlewKate · 10/11/2023 09:01

@Londonscallingme the problem with IHT is that a lot of people think it applies to the majority of people when it really only affects a tiny minority. So politicians can use getting rid of it as a vote winner, when it will only benefit a tiny, rich minority. And the prospect of it may sway someone's choice to get married when it will not make any difference to their position at all. So it's important to be clear.

Londonscallingme · 10/11/2023 09:04

CurlewKate · 10/11/2023 09:01

@Londonscallingme the problem with IHT is that a lot of people think it applies to the majority of people when it really only affects a tiny minority. So politicians can use getting rid of it as a vote winner, when it will only benefit a tiny, rich minority. And the prospect of it may sway someone's choice to get married when it will not make any difference to their position at all. So it's important to be clear.

Thanks, I’m already pretty clear on who it applies to.

museumum · 10/11/2023 09:15

I think it’s lovely if a couple marry later - if they’ve brought up children together and still want to commit their lives to each other. By the time your children are grown it’s about life companionship, sickness and health, till death do us part stuff. In some ways it’s more romantic than just partnering up to procreate.

Helpmesellmysoul · 10/11/2023 09:34

We married after kids and yh legals but also it was just nice? I love my partner, he's the father of my children and I wanted to make a commitment to him and have that special memory. Can't that be reason enough?

hopelessreminders · 10/11/2023 10:06

To be honest I think it's the same for most couples these days regardless of whether they have children. A friend of mine has just got married but is waiting a few years to start TTC so she says nothing has changed for her. Most people already live together for years before getting married. It's you and your partners beliefs that put any meaning to it.