Is there any point getting married AFTER children?

[Cottonwoolonastick]

Say you have 2 children and your family is complete, you live together, built a life together, all that is missing is the legal contract of marriage.
Aside from the legal protection is there actually any reason to get married at this point?
What is there to look forward to?
For me you get married then having a family to look forward to. When you have done everything you tend to do during a marriage, what is left? Surely it’s very underwhelming?
I get that people do it for love as much as legal protection and it’s up to each couple.
Can anyone who was/is in this position explain how it worked out for you and what future plans you made after the wedding? Did you just continue as you were without any new plans?
(this is in no way a dig at anyone in this position, I’m trying to come to a decision and finding it difficult)
thanks

That logic doesn't work even if you get married before the children. Regardless of the order, the amount of 'big things' is still the same.

What do you have to look forward to? With any luck, the rest of your lives happily married to each other, surely that's the point?!

So if you were the op, had savings, dp was terrible with money and had debt, surely the worst thing you could do is marry?

I would prefer to. Although yes there is legal protection, I think it's a bit doom and gloom to only think of it like that.

I can think of a few (non-legal) things you might look forward to if you decide to get married:

• a lovely wedding ceremony or party of your choosing as well as an excuse for all of you to get dolled up and get some beautiful family photos taken which you will cherish forever.

• a nice ring perhaps??

• honeymoon!

• sharing the same family surname (if you choose) and being able use the words husband and wife for each other, which feels super weird at first but is actually nice.

• wedding anniversaries, which means special date nights for you two!

• in general, feeling a special comfort and ease with each other in the knowledge that you are - yes - legally bound to each other

Op it's possibly even more romantic getting married with children there and it will be a beautiful family day. Even if it's the bare bones small one.

Getting married is all about the legalities, it’s just practical.

Your relationship is about the love and respect and commitment, and in a healthy relationship there are always things to look forward to.

You’re right, that is childish. Do you actually think marriage mysteriously transforms a relationship? Regardless of whether you have children before or after you marry, or at all, your relationship will not be altered by marriage.

You seem to be thinking of times past, when you would barely have been alone together before marriage, and when the first time you would have had sex was on your wedding night. And when you would have ceased to exist legally as a separate individual.

We got married after my first. I wasn't that interested in marriage to be honest. I wanted children and had my first at 35. That was our priority. Then we decided on marriage when my first child was one. It just seemed nice to make it official given we had a child. The legal side of marriage was a big part of it - and also psychologically it was just us making a gesture of commitment to each other and to us as a family. Of course we were committed before we had a child - I suppose we weren't organised or bothered enough to get married first.

Is this post about you or someone else who's getting married after having children?

I agree with all these

To have the children first you’ve already committed and sealed the deal so to speak, so marriage after that is for legal reasons rather than love and romance.

I think that’s probably right. But when you have children to consider, those legal reasons become really, really important. A pp mentioned inheritance tax; if you’re not married, you will have to pay it on anything over your partner’s nil rate band (which in many cases will not cover half of a family house). Depending on pension arrangements, you may not automatically benefit if not a spouse. My friend lost her DH earlier this year, leaving her a widow with two kids - it was unbelievably traumatic for her in itself. The idea that she’d have to sell the house to pay an IHT bill and then downsize would have been too awful to consider on top of everything else. Getting married does not equal having a fancy wedding party. They are two separate things.

We did after 19 years together and an 8yo. It was lovely. We were engaged for 10 years before though lol.

OP I really don't understand your thing about "what next?" and there's nothing to look forward to if you already have kids.
You seem to think that marriage and children are the only important life events and after that there's "nothing left". I find that strange. Life is so much more than that. We got married after my child was born and I haven't felt for one moment "what's left?". Obviously having kids is so much more than giving birth. You have 18+ years of raising them and each stage is challenging and rewarding in different ways. Then there are the other parts of your life that are constantly changing and developing - career, relationship with your partner, friendships, hobbies, interests. When the kids get older and you start getting more time to yourself you might choose to travel, do voluntary work, change your career. Then there's all the crap life throws at you such as illness, aging parents worries about the kids.
Life doesn't just stop once you're married with kids if anything it's all much more full on. I wish I had time to stop and contemplate "What's next?".

Differing from others, I didn't get married for legal protection, I really did get married for love. If anything getting marriage throws me under the bus a bit because I owned our house solely on my own with my own equity...so legal protection is great, but it only goes so far!

We did it because it just made us feel more of a family, we'd both been married before and maybe that was part of it.

Legal protection is the main reason to get married. The rest is just icing on the cake. Being each other’s next of kin, being able to handle each other’s affairs, not paying inheritance tax, pension entitlements, are all immensely valuable. Otherwise why would people who can’t/won’t have kids bother to get married?

We got married after the birth of our first child (accident- we’d only been together for 4 months when I got pregnant) but before our second.

I don’t really get the “having things to look forward to” aspect. I didn’t really get married so I could have things to look forward to after, I got married because I wanted to have a wedding and a celebration of my and my husband’s commitment to each other (and the legal benefits too). Plus it’s a bit sad to think marriage and babies are the only things you have to look forward to in life- I’m excited about starting a new job, travelling, doing lovely things with my family.

(Bonus- my daughter was 3 at our wedding and she was the most adorable flower girl and still loves to talk about it)

The legal protection is important and I also see it as a leap of faith and a commitment to make an effort with the relationship.

I got married before having children - personally if I hadn’t wanted to marry Dh, I also wouldn’t have had children with him.

I've noticed how many of my long-term happily co-habiting friends are getting married in their 50s, I assume for the legal aspects (as things like retirement, incapacity, death loom that bit larger on the horizon)

If it's just a case of "what do I look forward to next?" then use your imagination! DC's landmarks, anniversaries, other achievements - some of these will either happen anyhow, you can make others happen

We eloped with our kids and did an amazing holiday of a lifetime/wedding just us 4. I love our wedding photos with the kids in them. They were the witnesses too so they’ve signed the wedding certificate which is really cute (it was a state where children could be witnesses)

If you had significant assets to your name you would be totally insane to even consider marriage.

The legal protection is enough reason in and of itself I would say - and arguably even more if a good reason once children are in the picture. I don’t know exactly but would it not affect who would get custody of one of you died, and inheritance etc? If you hadn’t made a will.

Easy enough to get the legal stuff sorted out. I see no reason to get married at all.

Would your kids be excited joining in a wedding ceremony with you? Could they help chose their outfits and maybe what you will eat to celebrate afterwards? Some of our kids were at our wedding and they were really excited and had lots of fun eating huge amounts of cake.
As you have been together for longer you could use a wedding as a time to reflect on some of the good times you have shared - music, special memories, challenges you overcame together.
Rather than seeing it as the end, could you see it as a pause where you reflect on your life together so far and celebrating your family, not just the two of you as a couple?

I married after having a child and I wish I hadn't. A year after the marriage he had an affair and I divorced him. The "legal protection" bit is only beneficial to the lower earner (in my case that was him). Far from having security me and DD were left with a fraction of what we would have had, he, on the other hand, was laughing all the way to the bank.

The only financial benefit of marriage that can't easily be recreated by half an hour with a solicitor is inheritance tax. Which only applies to 5% of the population.