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Original poster

Sorry for your loss

121 replies

Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 22:07

Sorry for your loss ,is so lacking in empathy,when people say this when people are referring to a death …whatever the age ? When a person dies it is not the same as losing an inanimate object ie bag,coat,car,purse etc . I find the expression so cold and thoughtless . Sorry maybe it’s just me ,but referencing the persons name or sex if a baby is more appropriate.

OP posts:
Zoomie1 · 07/11/2023 22:08

What would you prefer they say?

39and · 07/11/2023 22:08

I hate it too

Tiepolo · 07/11/2023 22:10

And this kind of nitpicking is why so many Brits cross the street to avoid someone bereaved. It’s a formula, it’s not intended to be original and meaningful. It’s also better than saying nothing st all, and pretending the death is an embarrassing secret best glossed over.

LakeTiticaca · 07/11/2023 22:10

Well if it was your parent or grandparent they wouldn't necessarily know their name.
Most people probably don't know what to say except, sorry for your loss

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/11/2023 22:10

Look when my parents died within a few months of each other in my twenties I got "sorry for your loss" automatically shoved my way on repeat over and over for months. It started to irritate me. But with time and distance, as the pain lessened, I realised people just don't know what to say and they don't want to pry but also don't want to leave the loss unacknowledged.

And especially those who haven't been through a loss of someone close, they probably can't even fully grasp how big the feelings are because they don't know pain goes that high yet.

But it did irrationally piss me off and I said thank you through gritted teeth more than once while dealing with call centres to tie up the estates.

Badaba · 07/11/2023 22:10

It's not common to say 'sorry for your loss' when referring to intimate objects though. It's a way to perhaps say something without using trigger words or reigniting the emotion.

MidnightOnceMore · 07/11/2023 22:11

I don't find it cold. It is a lot of pressure to think up something personal, and death is difficult. 'Sorry for your loss' is a known phrase, all societies have them for many occasions - because a personalised message could be wrong too.

Thing is, when you've lost someone, especially a baby, no phrase can help.

Obviously from a close friend you'd expect more.

PearlClutzsche · 07/11/2023 22:12

It’s difficult to know the right thing to say. People I didn’t know said this to me at my dad’s funeral; people I knew better tended to have conversations rather than single sentence condolences. But anything is fine: people can only do their best to say the right thing.
Surely the point is that people are acknowledging your bereavement and extending their sympathies?

SleepingStandingUp · 07/11/2023 22:16

The problem is it's not just one thing.

If you messaged on here saying someone you loved died, lots of people would say "sorry for your loss". They don't know you but in that moment, that person is genuinely sorry for you and the pain you're experiencing.

Seeing someone you love, who's lost someone they love, sometimes you just don't know what else to say. So I did tell my friend "I'm so sorry for your loss" but I said a lot of other things too

Beckafett · 07/11/2023 22:17

I don't mind. I've recently lost my dad and I'd much rather someone say this to me then ignore me

CurlewKate · 07/11/2023 22:27

I hate it too. It's so formulaic. It didn't exist when I was a young woman. We said something more personal. Or something at least that actually mentioned the person. "I was so very sorry to hear that Fred had died"

Original poster
Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 22:30

Yes agree that maybe it’s just me ,but referring to a death as a loss seems to trivialise that it’s a human being not an object . It’s the only way I can explain how I think 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 07/11/2023 22:31

I hate the term 'RIP'. Would rather people said the actual words or something nicer sounding.

CurlewKate · 07/11/2023 22:31

"I'm so very sorry to hear that your mum/grandfather/insert relation here has died"

Mariposista · 07/11/2023 22:31

I am recently bereaved. I would rather a sorry for your loss rather than the scummy, shitty reaction I have had from some:

  • that’s life, it comes to us all
  • NOTHING. As in fully on ignoring, hiding behind their curtains because ‘they don’t know what to say’. A simple ‘so sorry to hear your news’ would work just fine. Or ‘thinking of you’
Original poster
Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 22:31

CurlewKate · 07/11/2023 22:27

I hate it too. It's so formulaic. It didn't exist when I was a young woman. We said something more personal. Or something at least that actually mentioned the person. "I was so very sorry to hear that Fred had died"

Yes @CurlewKate you have explained it really well.X

OP posts:
Original poster
Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 22:33

LightSpeeds · 07/11/2023 22:31

I hate the term 'RIP'. Would rather people said the actual words or something nicer sounding.

Yes agree,it’s the same mind set …absolutely no thoughts and just a sentiment!

OP posts:
newnamechangeforthisone · 07/11/2023 22:35

It's so hard to know what to say sometimes. Nothing I say can take away the pain or lessen it in anyway, but at the same time it's better than avoiding to avoid saying the wrong thing. I know many many friends who lost friends when they needed them the most as the friends avoided them for this very fear.

You're right, it's maybe not the most personal thing to say but what would be the right thing to say that wouldn't offend anyone?

FiveShelties · 07/11/2023 22:35

I have just lost my Mum and lots of people said they were sorry for my loss. Not once did I feel they were lacking in empathy.

If you feel that expression likens the loss of a much loved relative to a handbag then that is really sad.

Edited for typo

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2023 22:38

I’ve said it often hanging around in miscarriage circles. Saying “I’m sorry your baby died” sounds like unnecessarily reiterating that their baby died. You know, they know, does being so explicit help anyone? I don’t honestly know. Referring to their loss acknowledges what they know and that I’m sorry.

When I was on the other side it felt suitably sympathetic, especially from people who couldn’t actually empathise. It was an acknowledgment and that was better than people dishing out worse platitudes, trying to cheer me up or avoiding/ignoring me.

OP, grief makes us prickly and ragey, I’m sorry in you’re in pain 💐💐💐

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/11/2023 22:39

I'd say it to a client but not a close friend. Personally I feel acknowledging the death/loss/however you prefer to phrase it is more important than the actual words spoken. Saying nothing is the coldest thing.

SoIRejoined · 07/11/2023 22:39

It's well meant so, saying this kindly, I would take it that way. It can be hard to say the right thing if you don't know the deceased person well. You also don't want to assume how the bereaved person is feeling, saying "you must feel dreadful" could be really unhelpful.

Els1e · 07/11/2023 22:40

Zoomie1 · 07/11/2023 22:08

What would you prefer they say?

Agree with this. What do you say would be appropriate? Yes, words at times are clumsy but people generally mean well. Don’t be mean for the sake of it

Ibizafun · 07/11/2023 22:40

Everyone seems to be certain of what not to say, but I'd love to know what is best to say? I would probably say "I'm devastated for you and thinking of you all the time." No idea how this would go down.

ChannelNo19EDT · 07/11/2023 22:42

This is why I'm scared to sat anything when acquaintances' relatives die. It's so embarrassing hoping that you didn't say something that actually annoyed them. I thought Sorry for your loss was safe 😔