Sorry for your loss

[Irritatedandfedup]

Sorry for your loss ,is so lacking in empathy,when people say this when people are referring to a death …whatever the age ? When a person dies it is not the same as losing an inanimate object ie bag,coat,car,purse etc . I find the expression so cold and thoughtless . Sorry maybe it’s just me ,but referencing the persons name or sex if a baby is more appropriate.

My understanding is that it was a standard phrase used by professionals in the States and started to spread in the UK from American cop shows in the 1970s/80s. "Sorry for your loss, mam. When did you last see your husband?"

Before this we would say „I’d like to offer my deepest condolences „ or would write Sending deepest condolences should we go back to that? Is that better?

i found it odd when people on call centres said it when I was phoning to sort out paperwork as they didnt know me and I wasn’t seeming distressed. However people don’t like the d word. Had to phone social services to say an appointment/visit for my dad wasn’t needed. Was asked why- because he’s dead. Long pause!

@gemloving And @nobodysdaughternow so so sorry.

That’s also true. Mourning clothes ‘rules’ in the 19thc were useful in signalling how close you were to the dead person, and how long since they’d died.

I was going to say 'bless you'. I think that's lovely, although I'm not particularly religious myself. What do people think of this expression?

It feels like a thing that's sprung up along with social media. I would hate it along with RIP.

‘Bless you’ makes me want to punch walls unless used semi-automatically after someone’s sneeze. Given that it’s the type of mindless verbal padding a certain kind of person says in relation to total trivia —

‘I locked myself in the loo.’
’Oh, bless you!’

’Here, I got you flowers to say hope you feel better soon.’
’Bless you!’

’I felt so sad I just sat in the bus shelter for an hour.’
’Bless you!’

— I would have said it was far less appropriate than ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’

@PearlClutzsche It's a cookie cutter response that came over from America only a decade or so ago.

Before then, there was at least a bit of variety in people's responses. When my husband died, pre-ISFYL times, I got "I'm so sorry" or "my condolences" or "I was so sorry to hear the news" or "I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of P"

I post on another board which is based in the U.S. but international. When someone is bereaved it's very noticeable that the other nationalities use a variety of natural responses, but the (lovely) US members simply say "I'm sorry for your loss" and it feels like they've just pressed a button somewhere.

I would much prefer people say this than nothing at all. It was very obvious to me when I lost someone close who had also been bereaved, and therefore said something - anything! - and also checked in on me, and then didn’t avoid the subject or nod weirdly if I mentioned it after an ‘appropriate’ time had passed.

I feel the same way about this.

@Ginmonkeyagain "I think in times past there were more formal and standard ways of mourning in public."

Yes, there were. But I am talking about the 1970s and 80s!

Agree, it's better than being politely ignored or pretending nothing has happened.

One of the great blessings of dyslexia is that I don't see the point of micro disecting words, words are just that. What they convey is meaning.

No one is lost. They are dead. Sorry to hear about the death of your mum. Is accurate. Sounds a bit harsh. Mums presence from your life is gone? It's just a saying. It's the meaning.

I heard your mum died, I'm so sorry for your loss might be better but then your policing words, could get it wrong, upset someone, quick, cross the road so you don't put your foot in it and hope they didn't see you. That's so our culture to a T

I have found myself agonising about attending a funeral due to things like this. If I don't go then I can't get it wrong

You can't win, though. I read an article by a woman who was in mourning for her husband, and she said she and her daughter realised people who said 'I was sorry to hear he died' were very insincere, The phrase 'to hear' for some reason really wound her up, as if all they cared about was gossip, not her profound loss. Since reading that, I've found it so hard to phrase sympathy notes. I tend to say something like: 'Just wanted to send you love at this incredibly sad time. X was so...' and then talk about the person. But this approach will be totally wrong for some people too.

My Dad died recently and the sense of loss I feel is immeasurable, like a huge hole, so loss seems an appropriateto and accurate word to me.

RIP - I dislike and would never use personally, but would still be grateful for the sentiment and
acknowledgement.

I don’t really know what you’re supposed to say in all honesty. When my Grandad died my family completely shielded me from all grief, it was so weird. Never saw my Dad cry, did see my Gran cry a fair amount but she’d hide away whilst doing it and barely ever spoke about it or him. She still struggles to talk about him now over 20 years on… My Dad never spoke about him. That was my main experience with grief, no one closer has died in my life since.

It isn’t something people are trained in, there’s no guidebook on how to treat grieving people. What are you actually supposed to say?

Completely disagree.

My mother died recently and a 'sorry for your loss' would have been a small consolation but got silence and nothing instead.

Have a feeling if the OP was living my life they wouldn't have posted this.

I've always liked that. I'm not Jewish so wouldn't feel able to use it, but I wish I could.

@Ihateexcel23 I'm so sorry that happened to you.

But it's not "Sorry for your loss" or nothing. I think this thread is about better things to say.

I agree with pp, its just a phrase people use to express sympathy and its as good as any other imo. Anyway, losing something and loss aren't the same thing. Loss is the deprivation of someone or something significant, if you lose a book it's not a loss, it's just lost. If someone dies you suffer a loss, its not the same.

@TheWayTheLightFalls I used to write May his memory be a blessing as an ending to condolence letters. I didn't realise it was a Jewish thing-but when I found out I stopped using it. I was sad to lose it.

Exactly. If you told someone you'd lost your phone nobody would say "sorry for your loss" they'd say something like "ugh that's so annoying!"

Part of my work involves writing reports that often address bereavement and there is honestly no way of doing it that doesn't annoy or upset somebody. We used to use phrases like "passed away" "lost her mother" but people like OP complained so we switched to being more factual and saying "died" "deceased" etc. and then got people complaining that was too unempathetic and clinical!

I've also had people respond angrily when I've said I'm sorry with "why, you didn't know her" or "I'm not, he was horrible, good riddance"? Or "actually she was in so much pain it was a blessing." Etc!

There are no words that are going to please everyone because its not a pleasurable circumstance - when people are upset their emotions run high and things can trigger them that they normally wouldn't care less about. The most significant thing is that others are making the effort and trying which is better than just ignoring the topic completely.

It seems accurate to me. I'm not going to be sorry about whoever died if I didn't know them and especially if I never heard of them till this minute. I'm sorry for the person I'm talking to, for their loss.

When were you a young woman?
I'm in my 50s and I don't think it's new

@CurlewKate I think it is fine to use if you would like, we don’t own it as far as I’m concerned.

This