Sorry for your loss

[Irritatedandfedup]

Sorry for your loss ,is so lacking in empathy,when people say this when people are referring to a death …whatever the age ? When a person dies it is not the same as losing an inanimate object ie bag,coat,car,purse etc . I find the expression so cold and thoughtless . Sorry maybe it’s just me ,but referencing the persons name or sex if a baby is more appropriate.

I’ve only really experienced this in situations where something fairly standard form is appropriate, eg at work- don’t necessarily want something v emotional and personal from a colleague but a short acknowledgment was appreciated. IME friends still say something more personal.

When my son died I would far rather this said to me than the avoidance that happened because people were worried about saying the wrong thing. Or even worse my husband had the door slammed in his face by a neighbour.

Well I’m 47 and the expression has certainly been around for as long as I can remember even if you can’t. It’s not new.

@nobodysdaughternow I am so very sorry. Your pain is there in every word and as a mum of a 25 year old son I know myself I would be absolutely devastated- I think particularly in situations like this people use those words because they genuinely don't know what to say. It isn't that people don't care. They don't want to say the 'wrong' thing

OP - what do you say to the bereaved yourself?

Let us know - it may give us some ideas for a more suitable thing to say in future?

Surely it's better to say SOMETHING to a bereaved person than avoiding them? When my sister died, I was grateful that people acknowledged she was gone and that I was bereft. It doesn't matter if you say 'sorry for your loss' or 'sincere condolences' or 'deepest sympathies' - just an acknowledgement is enough.

Yes, to know that people didn't let a difficult situation lead them to avoid you, that's what the words say. I'm sorry for your loss = I acknowledge your pain and I won't turn away from it for my comfort.

@buffyajp xx 💐

I’m so very sorry to hear about your son. There is nothing anyone can say that will take the pain away but I understand the pain you’re going through as I have been there myself. Look after yourself as best you can and I hope you have plenty of support in real life too

I've used this phrase before, because mentioning the name can be harder to deal with when you've just lost someone. Some people can get through the day by keeping things at arm's length until they have a bit of time to themselves, and I'd hate to make someone's tears well up.

@buffyajp "Well I’m 47 and the expression has certainly been around for as long as I can remember even if you can’t. It’s not new."

Google tells us that it became popular in the UK in the late 1970s/early 1980s. It came from American cop shows. "Sorry for your loss, mam. When did you last see your husband?" So not super new, of course.

Maybe "I'm sorry for your loss" would be better.

What about God bless you? Better or worse? Just curious

Much worse. I am an atheist.

I've never used or heard 'sorry for your loss' being used to refer to anything other than the loss of a person, so cannot see how it could possibly be mistaken for leaving my bag on the train.

Sorry for your loss was said to me many, many times when my dad died. I didn't have any problems with it being said to me. People were kindly letting me know that they cared about me.

Seriously, what do you want people to say?! There are no words really. People are trying their best to convey sympathy. It's really hard to know what to say.
I hear people complaining about this stuff without a shred of empathy for those who struggle to find the words in a horrible situation. I hear people with cancer getting angry that others have used the wrong words. Apparently it's not OK to say "How are you feeling?" to someone with cancer (and the same applies to almost every other expression/question you can imagine). Well I had cancer and yes people said some stupid things to me but I didn't care because I could tell they felt awkward and didn't know what to say.

Personally I like when people use religious language even when I'm not a believer, because I feel like they are asking THEIR God to bless ME. It feels very comforting. But i get not everyone shares that view

@SallyWD -it's just a discussion! Personally, I think it sounds generic and impersonal and I prefer to say something else. You're free to say whatever you like.

I think it's fine.

Nobody says 'sorry for your loss' if someone loses their glasses or keys so I don't think the phrase objectifies people in any way.

Words have different meanings in different contexts anyway, and that's normal.

"I was so very sorry to hear that Fred had died"

This and some of the other suggested alternatives make it ever so subtly about the speaker rather than the person who is bereaved. The words "your loss" like the Irish "your trouble" make it about the bereaved.

People express their sympathy/sorrow/support in different ways. If how they do it is sincere, but not to your liking, that’s probably on you, not them. Take it in the spirit that it’s intended, not against some kind of self-decided acceptability scale.

I don't think it's any better or worse than any other stock phrase. We have them for most occasions and life events. They allow people to express their wishes without struggling for the words. The empathy and how genuine they are will depend on the person saying them.

The thread has reminded me of the song (Wonderful world?) that says '... friends saying how do you do? They're really saying I love you.' Some people might be saying Sorry for your loss because it's easy but most will be using it because they can't find the right words and know nothing can make it better.

I sometimes just say I don't know what to say)I know I can't say anything helpful but I'm thinking of you" but am sure some people will think that's rubbish too

I agree but people rarely just say "I'm sorry for your loss", unless perhaps it's a colleague or someone who doesn't know you that well signing a card.
Anyone who's close to you will perhaps say "I'm sorry for your loss" then follow it up with more - "X was a lovey person. Let me know if I can do anything" etc etc. If my husband or DC died I don't believe a good friend of mine would say "I'm sorry for your loss" and nothing more!