Sorry for your loss

[Irritatedandfedup]

Sorry for your loss ,is so lacking in empathy,when people say this when people are referring to a death …whatever the age ? When a person dies it is not the same as losing an inanimate object ie bag,coat,car,purse etc . I find the expression so cold and thoughtless . Sorry maybe it’s just me ,but referencing the persons name or sex if a baby is more appropriate.

My baby died 3 months ago and I definitely don't find it cold. I feel acknowledged when people say this, so for me it's positive. It's acknowledging, I'm so sorry your baby died. What I love is when people ask: did he have a name?

Yes! Whenever I see that on here I find it so cringey.

I get what you mean; but what else do you expect people to say, when somebody has posted about their sudden loss on a public forum?

Surely they haven't opened up in that way just for people to say "That's a shame; ah well, bye, then".

What would you like to dictate to everyone to say?

Absolutely hate it too. It makes the loss seem insignificant. I prefer to say "I am very sorry to hear about ..."

Anyone who takes the time to acknowledge how you are feeling after a bereavement is doing a good thing. Having a socially acceptable form of words is important. It means if your relationship isn’t close, say a colleague, they can say something that you will both understand to mean the same thing. it allows people to express support and comfort in a way they know they are unlikely to offend.

I have no problem at all with the expression. It's social code for expressing sympathy, often in situations that could otherwise be awkward. It's very similar to the Irish expression "I'm sorry for your trouble."

When I lost a a parent recently, most people - neighbours, colleagues etc that I am not close to, said it. Like a PP said, it is a social code to express compassion.

I was touched that people took the time to express condolences.

I've yet to see someone come up with a universally acceptable replacement.

I think that's because there isn't one, as nothing can help the utter enormity of a bereavement, but for those who don't like it, a suggested alternative would be helpful.

My son is dying. If someone is brave enough to acknowledge that, however they do it, is ok by me.

I am in so much pain I just need kindness and compassion, whatever form it takes.

And it is a loss. A massive, torturous that makes me want to go with him.

I returned an item last night which we will no longer be able to use for my son. The cashier looked me in the eye and acknowledged my pain. I don't even remember the words she used. She didn't ignore my pain and that is literally all that matters.

I lost my Dad last Christmas Day. I appreciated all the text messages and voicemails I got where people expressed that they were "sorry for (my) loss". I still do.

Saying nothing is much, much worse. I think that people don't know what to say and that they're uncomfortable around grieving people. I know I'm uncomfortable around my mother's profound grief over the loss of my Dad, because I can see and feel the depths of her pain and I want to make it better, but I just don't know what to say.

It's much better to say something that at least acknowledges the person's grief, particularly if you know that their relationship with the deceased was a happy one. To say nothing just makes me feel the person is thoughtless.

I'm so sorry @nobodysdaughternow for everything you and your son and your family are going through. I'm sorry for the pain that is and the pain that will come. Even thinking of the possibility of outliving my DC is devestating. I'm so sorry that you're precious boy is dying.

Most people don't know what to say and often will say nothing.

At least people are saying something, so that you know they care about you and are sympathetic to what you're going through.

After my mum died I went back to work and although my colleagues had left a lovely card on my desk not one of them said a single word about it in person. It was very strange.

I always make a point to say something and try and judge from the other person's reaction whether they would like to talk about it more or they just acknowledge the thought and want to move on.

It's a hard time and you must be feeling very fragile 💐💐💐

@gemloving 💐💐💐

Agreed.

I’m Jewish. We say, “May (his) memory be a blessing”, which I like very much.

I am so very sorry to hear this, @nobodysdaughternow. Wishing you strength to cope with this.

I don't find it cold, and was grateful for the people who had the courage to say something after my bereavements.

It is hard for others to know what to say. When you are recently bereaved or even when it has been a longer time many things can feel like being stabbed with shards of glass. So I think I know what you mean, but expect that people are just doing their best 💐

It's definitely better than saying nothing. When I lost my mum it sickened me how many people said nothing.
I wish id never learnt this lesson but losing her has made me so , so much more empathetic and now I think I'm 'good' at talking to people in similar situations and take it to a more personal level which I think is appreciated x

I agree that you expect a little more personalisation from friends and loved ones in this you are totally right. When my mum died I had lovely cards from this group talking about the loss/death of my mum or her name.
In the case of work colleagues again I would still say I am so sorry to hear about your gran passing away last week or similiar.
It is very hard when it's a very tenous connection but you want to say something, I was a bit pressed when a neighbour I don't know called round to ask about moving cars for his wife's funeral cars to have room, and I just of course and I'm so sorry.
I'd rather say something a bit formulaic there than nothing.
Until you have suffered a significant loss you don't consider these things and some people just don't always think about it deeply enough.

In Ireland the formula is 'I'm sorry for your trouble'.

It's useful to have a formula, it gives a person who wants to express sympathy a way to do it. The bereaved person can choose to respond or not at that time, there isn't that awkward gulf of silence left when something devastating has not been acknowledged, and the follow on questions of 'how are you doing?' etc that need to be asked in the months to come are possible.

@LakeTiticaca "Most people probably don't know what to say except, sorry for your loss"
Well,it's a pretty recent addition to British English though, and people managed before....

I think it’s likely that Brits were less dreadful at dealing with bereavement when more people died younger and in childhood, and deaths were more likely to happen at home.

@DeanElderberry I didn't know about "I'm sorry for your trouble" until Mr Monkey's dad's funeral and was baffled as to what this "trouble" was that all of his large Irish extended family were sympathising with!

I think that "Sorry for you loss" is common in cultures like English ones where people find it hard to talk about death or even using the word death or dead is a bit taboo. My family were always a bit more open about death so I tend to go with "sorry to hear about the death of your XX." And then say something nice about the person or what they must have meant to the bereaved person.

I'm not sure if it's recent, but if so, what did people used to say, then?

Were people such eloquent and sensitive masters of condolence in days gone by? I doubt it.
More likely, they gave another standard stock phrase similar to "I'm sorry for your loss".

Surely the most important thing is that people acknowledge your loss and say something to show their support .

I think in times past there were more formal and standard ways of mourning in public.

@PearlClutzsche "Surely the most important thing is that people acknowledge your loss and say something to show their support"

Of course it's better than saying nothing.