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Sorry for your loss

121 replies

Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 22:07

Sorry for your loss ,is so lacking in empathy,when people say this when people are referring to a death …whatever the age ? When a person dies it is not the same as losing an inanimate object ie bag,coat,car,purse etc . I find the expression so cold and thoughtless . Sorry maybe it’s just me ,but referencing the persons name or sex if a baby is more appropriate.

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 07/11/2023 22:53

I don't mind it at all. IME a bereavement IS a loss, you have the person and then they disappear from your life and that's awful.

If people are giving condolences they mean that very sincerely 99.999 percent of the time. Don't twist their words that are kindly meant.

Prawnofthedead · 07/11/2023 22:55

I think reading all these threads does make you think everything you say will offend someone. I take the phrase at face value. They are sorry for my loss. They are upset for me. They are acknowledging the death that has left me bereft.

saraclara · 07/11/2023 22:58

'Sorry for your loss' is a very recent formulaic response. I didn't hear it until maybe ten years ago at most? It certainly wasn't said to me by anyone (other than a couple of Americans) when my DH died 12 years ago.

Because it's easy and formulaic, many people don't even try to say anything more personal and meaningful. Is it better than saying nothing? I suppose so. But it's basically a button press of a response, so it seems meaningless to me. A simple "I'm so sorry..." would mean more to me.

pinkdelight · 07/11/2023 23:03

It's not meant to be analysed and taken literally like that. It's impossible to say anything that speaks to the truth of bereavement so it's an accepted acknowledgment of what you're going through with the understanding that words aren't enough, but they care. Take umbrage at it if you choose to but it's meant sincerely and seems like scratching around for things to be bothered by.

Wolvesart · 07/11/2023 23:03

Doesn’t bother me at all. It’s less impersonal than offering condolences. I’m happy if people bother to do either. Having recently lost my Dad and being his executor, what does bother me is when people don’t attempt at any empathy. GP surgery were terrible, re enablement were so offhand I forgot to ask how they wanted their equipment returned.

RosiePeel · 07/11/2023 23:07

Tiepolo · 07/11/2023 22:10

And this kind of nitpicking is why so many Brits cross the street to avoid someone bereaved. It’s a formula, it’s not intended to be original and meaningful. It’s also better than saying nothing st all, and pretending the death is an embarrassing secret best glossed over.

I came here to say exactly this.

neilyoungismyhero · 07/11/2023 23:10

Crikey no one will say anything to anyone soon for fear of giving offence.

Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 23:16

Absolutely no offence intended, it is just my opinion,was just musing. Each to their own 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 07/11/2023 23:17

Tiepolo · 07/11/2023 22:10

And this kind of nitpicking is why so many Brits cross the street to avoid someone bereaved. It’s a formula, it’s not intended to be original and meaningful. It’s also better than saying nothing st all, and pretending the death is an embarrassing secret best glossed over.

Absolutely. I had people avoid me after a bereavement and any words are preferable to that.

Irritatedandfedup · 07/11/2023 23:17

saraclara · 07/11/2023 22:58

'Sorry for your loss' is a very recent formulaic response. I didn't hear it until maybe ten years ago at most? It certainly wasn't said to me by anyone (other than a couple of Americans) when my DH died 12 years ago.

Because it's easy and formulaic, many people don't even try to say anything more personal and meaningful. Is it better than saying nothing? I suppose so. But it's basically a button press of a response, so it seems meaningless to me. A simple "I'm so sorry..." would mean more to me.

Exactly

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 07/11/2023 23:19

People don't know what else to say, they're being polite and acknowledging what you're going through. There's usually nothing 'right' to say in those situations.

shockthemonkey · 07/11/2023 23:24

You seem to be saying that one doesn’t lose a person, only things. Which is incorrect. One can lose people and one can lose things.

MorrisZapp · 07/11/2023 23:25

Obviously it would be weird to say 'sorry for your loss' to your best friend as she sobs in your arms.

It's for using when you don't have the degree of intimacy that allows for more personal conversation. The alternative is pretending it didn't happen or simply avoiding the bereaved person.

I can't get on board with all this 'what not to say...' stuff. My loved ones have said plenty of stupid shit to me over the years, and I'm just as guilty of it too. We're people, not poets. Being in my company will never be a test.

HereLies · 07/11/2023 23:25

I find I'm sorry for your loss perfect.
If I say like someone mentioned I'm so very sorry that Fred died, well I find the death word very upsetting and hearing it with their name is painful as a recipient. As the person delivering it, the truth is I might not have known or truthfully cared about Fred but I care about you suffering, Fred could have been anyone as far as im concerned and to.pretend that I care about Fred when I only care about you being sad is fake, so it's more accurate, genuine and less triggering to say I'm sorry for your loss if I had no relationship with Fred.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 07/11/2023 23:31

Surely no-one is forcing you to say it. Say what you want, and let others do the same. It's much better than saying nothing, and it doesn't bother me if someone says it to me. I probably wouldn't use it for a close friend, but would for anyone else.

I've yet to hear anyone say "sorry for your loss" when someone loses their bag, coat etc. anyway, so it's not the same.

ManchNic · 07/11/2023 23:35

I totally agree with you OP. When my toddler tied a couple of people messaged 'sorry for your loss' and though I accept that they meant it kindly, and I took it as such, I would honestly have preferred they said nothing. Obviously it depends who you're talking to/about, but as a PP said, even a genuine 'I'm so sorry' would be more meaningful. Or even better, 'I'm so sorry to hear about ....' Losing a child is so unbelievably devastating that hearing a generic 'sorry for your loss' makes it seem as though that person hasn't even attempted to really think how you feel, and is just ticking a box. It takes nothing to say the same thing in a much more genuine way.

DiddyHeck · 07/11/2023 23:43

I would rather they said 'sorry for your loss' than cross the road to avoid the bereaved person (believe me it happens).

When my mum died, so many people said "I'm sorry for your loss, I don't know what to say".

But you know what? There was nothing they could say...no magic words that could make it better but I appreciated them taking the time to say something anything.

So I hope anyone reading this thread doesn't take a blind bit of notice of you OP.

warriorofhopelessness · 07/11/2023 23:51

I don’t like it either. I’ve used it myself occasionally when talking to someone because it’s become the accepted thing to say but it sounds trite and dismissive. I’d rather someone tried to find something a bit more personal to say, either naming the person or finding something to say about them which would make it a bit more humane. I try to do this but it is hard to know what to say that isn’t upsetting to the bereaved.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 07/11/2023 23:55

It's better than the twee contrived:

Would you like to talk about him/her?
or
What was his/her name?

I find those comments so patronising.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 08/11/2023 00:13

You could say what someone said to me and my family at my Mums funeral. 'I'm sorry for your sympathy'. My sis and I caught each others eye and I swear we nearly burst out laughing, can you imagine. My shoulders were shaking and im sure it looked like overcome with grief. We laughed ourselves silly about it afterwards.

saraclara · 08/11/2023 00:14

It's better than the twee contrived:

Would you like to talk about him/her?

I've not come across this in real life yet, but it appears on mumsnet a LOT. And I feel like you do. It's as if that's something that people are suddenly being told to say, rather than something that would come naturally to anyone.

But then I feel bad because when I see it on here, the bereaved person appears to like being asked, so what do I know?

The one that bemused me most when I lost my husband though, was when people would respond by messaging me or posting on Facebook "I'm crying". Especially the ones who didn't actually know him. Inside I was like 'why are YOU crying?'

Before anyone uses the word 'offended' in response to that, I wasn't. I appreciated that people cared and were just expressing themselves in what way they could. But I still found it odd. And if 'I'm sorry for your loss' had been a thing then, I'd have had a kind of shrug reaction to it.

DoktorPeppa · 08/11/2023 00:18

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 07/11/2023 23:55

It's better than the twee contrived:

Would you like to talk about him/her?
or
What was his/her name?

I find those comments so patronising.

Yes! Whenever I see that on here I find it so cringey.

saraclara · 08/11/2023 00:23

DoktorPeppa · 08/11/2023 00:18

Yes! Whenever I see that on here I find it so cringey.

I'm so glad to have found my people. I thought it was just me!

LoveTheSoundOfRain · 08/11/2023 00:28

In my experience people don’t like any comment you give when a loved one dies, they will always find fault because they are grieving and emotions are raw. I would rather someone say sorry for your loss than start grilling me on details of what happened. Some people can be like vultures around death and want details. That in my opinion is worse.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 08/11/2023 00:29

It's for using when you don't have the degree of intimacy that allows for more personal conversation. The alternative is pretending it didn't happen or simply avoiding the bereaved person.

Yes, this. It's a way of acknowledging somebody's grief and sympathising with them, without going OTT by pretending that their death will make any difference to your life, you being a stranger/not at all close/unconnected to them.

It's deliberately understated and respectful, without trying to presume somebody's feelings or grief processes, which can vary dramatically from person to person.

I agree that 'died' and 'death' rather than 'gone' or 'passed/passed away' can be extremely triggering to some bereaved people, so they're best avoided. On the other hand, some people will think you're somehow trivialising their grief if you don't use those words.

Moreover, you don't always know what relationship the bereaved and the deceased people had. You may assume that they dearly loved each other, but this is often not the case. Supposing a man who was routinely violent and abusive to his wife has died, she may well be feeling mixed emotions, but among them a sense of relief, freedom and a huge burden being lifted, in the way that the widow of a kind, loving, gentle husband would not recognise at all. Frequently, people's relationships behind closed doors are much more nuanced and not at all black and white.

The phrase 'your loss' leaves it brief, open-ended, respectful and neutrally factual, so that the bereaved person can react however they want/need to.

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