I've never felt so low in my whole life.

[ThereIsNoTomorrow]

Just posting to get it off my chest really, the dark thoughts have crept back in the last few nights.
Me and my 2 children are in a refuge because we are homeless, we are 2 weeks in and 17 and a half months away from being rehomed.
I feel like a complete failure to them, my medication for depression isnt even taking the edge off.
If I didnt have them with me I'd no longer be here, I dont know where to turn.
I have no family to ask for help because of my ex who was controlling and abusive, it's all just getting too much for me to cope with

No, you are not a failure. You have got yourself and your children away from an abusive situation, which is a brave move and you should be proud of that.
I hope you will feel better soon. Sending hugs.

You are doing great.
You've freed your children from an abusive relationship.
It might be uphill but the road can only get better.
Be proud of yourself

Getting you and your children to the place of safety you are now in must have taken an incredible amount of strength and courage. I applaud you. You are in no way a failure! You children have you and they have a safe place - I know it might not feel like it right now but you have done an amazing thing for them and taken the first step in being able to give them the life you want to and the life you all deserve - one in which you are safe - maybe not well off, maybe not without struggle but safe. That is an amazing thing - please be proud of yourself.

You've removed your children from a dangerous situation which would damage them.
Not a failure, not your fault.
You have been brave and decisive and done the right thing, hard though it is.
Please know that this stranger on the internet (who has been there) is full of admiration and cheering you on.
All the best wishes for a peaceful and safe future.

You are battling for them. I had similar very dark thoughts in a different country in a half built house with a young child. I just kept myself alive because of my son. He started Uni this year and is loving it and is a happy teenager loving his life. Things will get better believe that your love is enough and all your children need right now is their Mum doing her best for them. You are safe now and in 18 months you’ll have a new home.

Hi, I feel for you.
Can you up your meds? Are your children still in school and have a routine? Are you/ do you feel safe where you are? If not speak to every available souce for your area, inc your local MP.
You are Mum to 2 children who will always be your babies, and they need and want you. You need to believe you are enough and belong here. I think sometimes we focus on the past and that can be debilitating. I always fought with the past but thought of what the future held and it was not good for my MH, so I started to take things day by day so it wasn’t so overwhelming. It works for me in my dark days, but I now have more better days than dark. Just try to take it easy on yourself. Concentrate on what you are able to and can do right now rather than what your ideal life would look like. Please look into every available resource, just one bit of research or a call a day to see what is available. You have a roof over your heads so that's a fantastic start!! I wish you good luck and there is ALWAYS tomorrow 👣

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low. Given your situation, it’s no wonder. It sounds like you’ve all been on a roller coaster recently and there’s no getting off just yet but if you just take one day at a time, you will one day be getting off that roller coaster, where there is light at the end. A nice future full of good health and happiness.

please prioritise the small things that make the big things happen,
like upping your medication.
getting a referral for counselling.
going on a daily walk.
making future plans with your children, to create new happy memories.

You are AMAZING & you are the BEST mummy that your children can have. You are a STRONG woman & you and your children are safe. ♥️

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this OP. I just want to echo what others have said. You are NOT a failure. You are keeping going for your children. Just being a mother to a child, loving them every day, is of immeasurable value. Please try to be kind to yourself. I really hope things get better for you soon. I am sending you a hug.

You are everything but a failure. You’ve kept your children safe and got them away from an awful situation, be proud of yourself.
Do you have access to any counselling? Someone you can talk to about what has happened?
You are very brave, don’t ever forget that. Your children’s hero. And you’re all safe because of you. 💐

Hey, it’s shit now but you’ve saved the life of two children. I’ve been where you are and it took me a long time to recover but Recover I did. I have an independent life. I come and go wth friends as I choose. I have a lovely house and he has no clue where I am. It took me about six months not to be forever walking on glass. In fact I had a breakdown a wee while after he was arrested. But as I say, six months and I found myself making friends, going out without being timed it having my knickers checked when I got back.
you’ve done the right thing. The dark thoughts will go and you will start to feel more positive. Good luck with your journey.💐

Just remind yourself as many times as you need that it won't always be like this. Your situation will change, you will feel happy again, and your kids will be fine! It's just a matter of time. It's also really helpful to start counting the things you do have in moments like this. I was doing this just yesterday because I felt so low not being able to find a job. I was listing things in my head like "we have a roof over our heads. We ate today. We're warm." I also often think about where we came from (similar to your situation) and how far we've come. Amazingly I got 2 part time WFH jobs today. I've been looking for over a year! Yesterday I really felt like I didn't want to live anymore, I was so weary. Then it all changed suddenly. I know I'm going to be the most grateful I've ever been to be able to make money while being a single mother with chronic illness. I've been trying so hard and it finally paid off, I'm not even happy yet because it doesn't feel real. I swear if I can do this you can. Just keep trying, and when it's bad just remember it will change, and you have so much to be grateful for.

Thinking of you OP. You’ve done the right thing. Everything will get slowly better from now on. I hope there is someone you can talk to at the refuge. You need time to recover from everything you’ve been through; but there is a better, happier, safer life ahead x

It may not seem like it right now. But your actually doing amazing. Well done. Time will show this.
I've been there. Homeless with my son. It's not a nice feeling at all and I totally get the failure feeling. But I think that's just natural. Trust the process.
X

Sending you all my best, OP.

It sounds like you've been through so very much. I'm not surprised you are hurting; it will take time to recover. You have a life to rebuild, and you do it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Tiny steps!

In the meantime, be excessively kind to yourself. You are starting a new life with your children, they are so lucky to have you.

It’s bad now, but imagine how much worse it would have been if you stayed with your ex. every time one of your kids smiles, remind yourself it is worth going through this hard time to get to a better future.

It is so easy to just look at where we are, rather than look at the line we are on and the progress we are making.

Being homeless is objectively very tough. It is understandable you feel very low. Psychologically after a terrible time we often only allow ourselves to feel our full emotions when we have space to do so, as a form of self-preservation. So it is normal to feel worse just as things start to get a little safer.

Being a mother who is prepared to take her children out of an abusive situation is a wonderful and impressive thing.

Objectively you are a success because you have been brave enough to take the road that will in time hopefully see you securely rehoused. In the meantime focus on all the help you can access from the refuge and other specialist services.

'Psychologically after a terrible time we often only allow ourselves to feel our full emotions when we have space to do so, as a form of self-preservation. So it is normal to feel worse just as things start to get a little safer.'

Very much this. Although you feel very low, it might actually be a sign of starting your recovery, OP.

I was homeless and temporarily housed for for the best part of a year, I didn’t know how long I’d be there for.
I found the place really depressing, basic everything, bright white lighting from the light bulbs not a yellow glow, white walls, nothing matched, largely empty rooms, rough area. I felt insecure and really uncomfortable. I wish I had made the house more homely.
I did sometimes use incense sticks.
My suggestions is make the place yours, if you’ll be there for a while you can decorate and get to know the area and try and go on days out and keep busy

OP you're so brave. I had a similar experience a long time ago. Utter despair and just wanting to disappear.
You WILL cope.
I thought I'd never be OK. The pressure of keeping it together for the kids.
Here i am replying to your post years later when that time is a distant memory.
Keep going. It's shit. You don't deserve it.
But things will change and you will come through the other side.

Just to echo pp about what a brave thing you have done. That shows huge strength of character - which is a massive indicator that you will, in time, be just fine. Keep going, you're doing so much better than you realise.

In terms of family, would you consider reaching out? Of course I don't know your family, but I would imagine in many cases where estrangement has happened due to an abusive partner they would be delighted to hear from you and to hear that you've broken free! Maybe by letter if you can't face picking up the phone? Just something to consider. But well done for escaping, you're well on your way to a happy life, even if it might not feel that way right now

“Every storm runs out of rain”

One of my favourite quotes ^^

you are a bloody hero, OP.

do you have a key worker in the hostel you can speak to?

as soon as you feel ready, have a look for some local things you can join - playgroups or knitting groups or exercise groups - anything to get you and the kids out of the house and meeting people.

hang on in there - you’re doing brilliantly xx

You have removed your children from an unsafe environment, that makes you anything but a failure!
You have shown strength of character and that’s what they will think of when they look back at this time.
Do you have any family or friends at all that you can reach out to? Wishing you and your children all the best.

Please, please go to your GP! I lived in a refuge for 8 months, I understand how stressful it can be worrying about being homeless as well as recovering from trauma as well as trying to be a positive parent - you need as much help as possible. Talk to refuge workers.
Years later from my stint in one, I have a beautiful house by the sea, my children are happy with their lives, and I met my soulmate and experienced true, gentle love for the first time in my life.

I'm trying to think of what organisations there might be around you that offer support. Might there be a Home Start or any befriending or mentoring schemes around? As much as anything, it sounds from your brief post that you are in need of human contact and support. We are social animals and need others around us. Please google home start, and other befriending or mentoring organisations local to you . Good luck xxxxx

Ps please also speak to your GP as they may also know of local services