I've never felt so low in my whole life.

[ThereIsNoTomorrow]

Just posting to get it off my chest really, the dark thoughts have crept back in the last few nights.
Me and my 2 children are in a refuge because we are homeless, we are 2 weeks in and 17 and a half months away from being rehomed.
I feel like a complete failure to them, my medication for depression isnt even taking the edge off.
If I didnt have them with me I'd no longer be here, I dont know where to turn.
I have no family to ask for help because of my ex who was controlling and abusive, it's all just getting too much for me to cope with

I don't know how old your children are but if they are little, turn it into a game. Get them excited (and yourself!). If you have a diary/calender keep working out how many days you have before you get your own home (a bit like waiting for Christmas!). Mark down (or help the kids to do so) in the calender or diary. Talk about what they would like for their very first meal in the new place. Of course if they are too cool teenagers probably a no!

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

The impact of the abuse doesn't end the moment you leave. It will take time. But you have absolutely done the right thing. 30 years ago I was you. 2 DC and in a refuge, in fact I ended up in a refuge twice as the first time I stupidly went back to him. It is really tough being in a refuge, trying to take care of the DC and trying to cope with your own trauma. I can still remember how hard it was.

But, you have done the hardest part which was leaving in the first place. Your future home will be a place of love and safety. 18 months feels like forever now but once you have somewhere of your own you will know it was worth it. And it's a short time in the grand scheme of things even though I know it won't feel that way right now.

Are there workers there that you can talk to? Also go back to the GP and tell them how you're feeling. Things will get better 💐

You can only go up from now. Start planning your future. You will get through the next 17 months there is light at the end of the tunnel .

You are not a failure. You are a really brave person, even though you may not feel it. You are protecting your children and battling depression, under incredibly challenging circumstances. Your situation will improve. But for now, remember that even on meds, you are still in a situation you have every right to feel down about, so don't judge yourself for this very natural response.

I haven't been in your situation so please forgive me if these suggestions are off key. You are clearly still here for your children. Focus on this and on being th emost stable and secure parent you can be, given the issues. Create small routines. They are reassuring in chaos. Things like listening to music together while you make breakfast or tea.Tidying up as you go along, so they get a sense of pride in their living space and belongings, however undesirable the place is.

Try finding a couple of fun things to do in your local area that cost nothing or next to nothing. if your children are preschoolers, look for a big church that runs Messy Church which is craft and free hot dinner sessions, with a bit of praise singing and prayer thrown in. It is usually full of friendly helpers. You don't have to have faith. Or go to story time at the library. Or post on Freecycle for free toys or books or clothes you could pick up locally that would be fun for your children.

Access every single free service you can for support - Parentline, NHS CBT online therapy, Shelter, Gingerbread etc. Find who is local and has meetings in warm, friendly places. Maybe look for warm hubs too, so you and dc can get away from the shelter for a few hours and be cosy elsewhere.

You will get through this.

Thank you everybody for your kind words and brilliant suggestions. I have called the GP surgery this morning but as usual no appointments, I will call back at 2.30 and hope to get an appointment.
I'm going to request some sleeping tablets aswell as I'm not sleeping. Routine is out of the window with the children who are 7&8. Its costing a fortune in eating out because the cooking facilities aren't cleaned by people that have previously used them.
I feel better when the children are awake its night time I struggle the most

I'd just buy some kitchen cleaner and clean the stove or grill and then cook. Cheaper but also setting standards to dc and generally in the hostel. Clean up after them once, then after yourself, and see if that has a knock on effect.

Hiya, just sending hugs.

You've been,pit through utter shit, and poverty means you are forced to live the way you are not incompetence.

This will pass. You have done great to get this far.
It's totally normal to be overwhelmed and traumatised. But time will pass, you'll rebuild your lives and in a year's time these days will just be bad memories that you are really proud that you got through.

Try to make an hour each evening to do something for the three of you, read a book together make up engage. But remember to create new good memories for everyone not just living through shit memories.

Cry shout scream swear like a trooper bit keep on keeping on until you are through xxx
Many people are going through it. Ignore millionaires on Instagram and their hols in Barbados!!

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

What is it that they're not cleaning? I would spend my money on pans which I'd keep in my own room.

Just wishing you the best and hope you got through to GP. You need to be prioritised for housing and GP can help. Hostel staff should also help.

Things can and will get better.

You may already know this, but you can self refer for mental health services if you're in England/Wales.

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

Sorry to hear you're not sleeping, that's really difficult. Everything always seems so much worse in the middle of the night!

Takes immense courage to leave an abusive relationship, OP. You are certainly not a failure. 💐💕

Just wanted to say well done, that's brilliant!

I'm sorry you're struggling OP. Even though the trauma of leaving your abusive ex was probably horrible, you were taking action and making a change - whereas now the waiting period for your lives to restart is very difficult to get through. Please know you did the right thing, and eventually things will get better.

As pp have said, can you invest in a few pots and pans of your own so you can use them and then clean and keep them in your room to use - it will be cheaper in the long run than eating out all the time.

If you are struggling with being on your own at night, could you try listening to a podcast or an audiobook or something, so that you have a calming voice and feel less lonely when your kids are asleep?

Another thing that can help at night is to plug into white noise - just very soothing repetitive music - there are some you tub tracks that last 8 hours. I do this to drown out other people snoring sometimes.

I do the white noise too. I find it’s much easier to zone out of my troubles and relax to the sounds of ocean waves or wind in the trees.

@ArthurbellaScott that was the most useful piece of information I've received in a very long time, I didnt know I could self refer so I just have. I was unable to get an appointment today, I'll try again tomorrow

Brilliant! I hope you get seen soon. 😊

I was you 8 years ago.
You are NOT a failure, you have done the BEST thing for your children and things will get better.

I completely get why you feel this way, I had moments where I did too.
Well, more than moments.
You've just got to get your head down and tick off the days until you get your own place, Whilst getting appropriate help with the mental health issues this has brought on.

I'm happy to share with you the little things that helped me if you want?
I didn't want to post them just now as I didn't want to seem flippant or trite (as they are 'little' things, bit they really did help me)

It’s 20 years this month since I I moved into this flat with my girls. And nearly 21 years since we moved from one refuge to another smaller one over 100 miles away to start our new life. Never regretted it once, if you’re planning on being housed in the area you’re in I would start by getting to know some of the other mums at nursery/ school and get them into some groups depending on ages of course. Tell the refuge support workers how you feel and ask about counselling. I know it’s overwhelming and frightening but this is the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and children. Start planning your future, picture what you would like it to look like. I would buy little things for my house every week and keep them in my cupboard. I also started going to church where they treated me and my girls like family and gave us much needed support and love. You will find many on here who have been where you are, your are not alone 💛🙏

@McQueensMuse of course please share, any kind of support or help is appreciated.
I'm trying to get moved to a refuge out of the area because my childrens father conveniently keeps appearing everywhere I seem to be, I just dont feel safe here and definitely feel I'll not be able to move forward here

It takes a huge amount of courage to do what you have done. You are amazing. Your children will be happy to be safe and with you. ❤️

I feel for you.... try and get out as much as you can. Sometimes it helps break the chain of miserable thoughts. If there is somewhere green nearby or the sea this can help. If it's really raining there maybe a community cafe or a museum where you can get a drink and have a wander away from your room.
I think I would also if possible get some very basic cooking utensils and keep them clean and in the room along with a spray to wipe the cooker top and side in the kitchen so that you have a clean immediate area to cook in. Try and take pleasure in the small things that you can control and put the other stuff in a mental box.
Nothing stays the same, the best of times, the worst of times... you can do it x

Okay, Here goes, Feel free to ignore any that don't speak to you....

1. I made a vision board of what my new life would look like, I split it into 4 sections and in the "home of our own" section I had sketched out a floorplan and glued on pictures of what the kids rooms would look like. My DC were very small at the time but yours are big enough to get involved with a pritt stick and pictures cut out of magazines.

1. I made a wee kitchen area in my room, It was literally a chest of drawers with a slow cooker and a chopping board on top.

I kept all our tins, packets, jars, plates and everything in the drawers and it made it feel a bit more homey to make food for us in my own wee "kitchen"

1. I don't know how big the room you have is or what furniture you have, But what helped me was to split it into sections. Kitchen, living area and bedroom.

Even if your "living area" is just beanbags, cushions or folded up blankets in a corner of the room, it really helped me and the kids to define the spaces. It made bedtime easier also.

4.Make it as cosy as you can afford to (I don't know how your placed financially, But I was skint for the first couple of months)
Lamps, LED candles/tealights dotted about etc.

5.In all likelihood you are going to be there over Christmas, Make it as festive as you can. (If you celebrate it normally)
I remember thinking "what's the point?" But get that tree up, hang those stockings (I made a fake fireplace and popped it around the tiny tv and played that YouTube fire video)

1. Get a routine on the go and spend as much time out and about as you can. We were at the library a LOT!

7.Do all the things he didn't like or "allow". My XH hated tuna and wouldn't allow it in the house, I practically lived off tuna pasta when I left.
Play the music he hated, watch the tv/films he slagged you off for liking.
These will feel like little victories.

1. Start a collection of things. "for your new home", it will make it feel real and be something to look forward to. Add to it as and when you can afford to.

When things improved for me financially I started off buying wee bits and pieces with the weekly shop, smelly candles, method cleaning products. Picked up new bedding when I saw a bargain. That kind of thing.

@McQueensMuse thank you, there is a lot of very useful ideas to think about. I really appreciate your suggestions and love the idea of having a slow cooker upstairs to minimise cooking downstairs.

It's the hobs, people cooking in oil for instance and oil is splatted all over the tops. I havent looked inside them, I do have my own pans and plates etc I keep them up in my room. It's just so bare and bleak here, magnolia walls, red roller blinds that have seen better days, a small fridge, a chest of drawers, bunk bed and a single bed for me. I like the idea of getting rugs and soft furnishings to make it more homely, I'm not allowed to hang pictures or change the decor (unfortunately)