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Are the single people you know single for a ‘reason’?

135 replies

Whenwillitpass · 01/11/2023 20:14

I may not have phrased that very well and I hope this post isn’t going to sound unkind. I have a few friends who have been single for many years or who have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. In most cases there is a ‘reason’ for this E.g. one friend has totally unrealistic expectations that no-one can live up to. She wants a partner who is handsome, pays for everything, worships her, etc. she goes on a couple of dates then finishes things for reasons like they didn’t pay for her taxi home. Obviously she is entitled to have standards and non -negotiables but sometimes I think she is her own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Another friend wants to maintain his freedom to go out and do whatever whatever he wants when he wants even when in a relationship. He won’t really compromise. So I am wondering if other people notice anything similar with their single pals (the ones who would like relationships but can’t seem to find something that works long term). Of course many people are happily single so I don’t mean them.

OP posts:
icewoman · 01/11/2023 20:15

I am single because I want to be. It sounds like your friends also want to be, or at least prefer being single to dropping their standards. Good for them.

Planesplanesplanes · 01/11/2023 20:16

My single friend is single because she is happy this way and would need to find someone pretty special to want to share her life with and to reduce her existing social life to squeeze them in.

EmpressSoleil · 01/11/2023 20:18

Your post does have the potential to come across in the wrong way. I am happily single now but when I wasn't I wasn't doing anything "wrong". Believe me I tried! But part of finding a fulfilling relationship is pure luck. Right person right time. Yes there are other aspects but people can do everything "right" and still not find someone special.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

IntheSand · 01/11/2023 20:20

Yes, and like you’ve touched on its mostly because they’re not capable of compromise and have unrealistic expectations of other people. I also think they look to their partner to make them happy and that it’s not sustainable so when the initial buzz wears off they blame their partner when in reality it’s just life and they need to find their own happiness.

audweb · 01/11/2023 20:20

You know I’m the single friend. This just adds to my paranoia that my friends are secretly judging me for having a “reason” for being single, and it’s not for a good reason. i guess maybe there is a flaw in me that means that I’m single.

Jifmicroliquid · 01/11/2023 20:22

I am single because I get nothing out of a relationship. I don’t feel I need another person in my life as I have plenty already, and I am quite content doing my own thing.
It comes as a quite a shock to people that people like me exist! It seems that people think you have to be in a relationship to be seen as ‘normal’, which is weird to me.

Mackeroo · 01/11/2023 20:22

Yes, the reason being they're not desperate and don't suffer fools gladly

MissBeevor · 01/11/2023 20:23

One has been single for years because she doesn’t like who she becomes in a relationship. One is single because he’s still, years on, mourning the demise of his marriage. One is single because she is a happy, interesting, self-directed person who is very content with her life, so a relationship would have to be very, very good to enhance what she already has and be worth the compromises. A couple are single because they don’t want to introduce a new partner into their children’s lives. One is single because he prefers short-term things.

Sugarfish · 01/11/2023 20:24

I get what you mean by this thread. There is a difference between choosing to be single and to keep finding yourself single. If you get dumped all the time you have to wonder if you’re the problem. I know someone who is overly clingy and controlling from the get go. She can’t see this though.

MelAndTim · 01/11/2023 20:25

Planesplanesplanes · 01/11/2023 20:16

My single friend is single because she is happy this way and would need to find someone pretty special to want to share her life with and to reduce her existing social life to squeeze them in.

This is me!

YouJustDoYou · 01/11/2023 20:25

Yes. Three reasons - 1), never found anyone. 2) Never found anyone to be a dad for possible kids, 3) happy to be single.

FaeWings · 01/11/2023 20:25

I have a couple of friends who have been single for awhile. They are interesting, beautiful, good hearted women who I really admire. I just don't think they've found a man who has clicked with them.

And I know plenty of stroppy difficult people who've never been single for more than a month 😂

Some of it is just plain luck. But it's a good thing we can have full happy lives outside of relationships

Khvdrt · 01/11/2023 20:26

In the men yes, in the women no

StarDolphins · 01/11/2023 20:28

I am the only single one in my friends group (bar one young widowed girl).

I choose to be single for 3 reasons..

  1. I have a DD & I owe it to her to bring her up in a stable & happy home without unrelated males being moved in (I don’t think anyone would be happy to just see me once a week when she goes to her Dad’s for the day!)

  2. I am confident in my worth & will only be with someone that enhances my already lovely life. I have high standards (that I also provide in return!) with regards to how I am treated (nothing materialistic/money related). I just want someone funny, kind, respectful etc.

  3. I actually like being single upto now!

My friends relationship aren’t great (bar a couple) but they (miserably) stick with it!

stayathomer · 01/11/2023 20:29

Yes, their boyfriends were idiots!!!!

Singleandproud · 01/11/2023 20:31

I've been single since I had DD at 23 she's now in her mid teens. There's no point in dating as I know I wouldn't move a man into her home. That's likely to mean I'll remain single as although I had bfs in my late teens and 20s they weren't serious nor particularly longterm (a couple of years at most), I haven't learnt all those skills you learn being in a couple in your 20s and 30s, and I'm used to doing exactly as I wish when I wish.

I am happily single though and several of my friends are struggling with their marriages at the moment and I'm not envious of them.

spookehtooth · 01/11/2023 20:32

I probably am, for a reason as you say, but I'm okay with that. I don't really want to elaborate, but I know I'm probably not to lot of people's taste.

Thing is, to be someone I'm not or act like it, would be fate worse than death. I don't have problems making friends, and keeping them. I've also got a wide social network. I just don't seem to be a lot of people's idea or partner material .. or just terrible noticing interest. That's just how life goes, I can only try and live a happy life. To be upset about it isn't an attractive quality 🤷‍♂️ My life overall is great

Malarandras · 01/11/2023 20:36

Well I’m a widow so dating is not high on my agenda, for multiple reasons. It’s also not that easy to date, it seems to put people off.

Whenwillitpass · 01/11/2023 20:37

Really interesting replies. I guess what I mean is people who don’t choose to be single but are perhaps blind to something they are doing while dating or in relationships that mean things don’t work out for them.

OP posts:
CarPour · 01/11/2023 20:42

Yes. Because they don't want to be in a relationship

I can't say I have any friends that are desperate for a relationship, but the ones who would like one if it came along just aren't prepared to settle and are happy enough being single. Personally I think there's a lot of shit men out there and if I hadn't met my DH I'm not sure I'd be happy to date many of the men my friends have bought home or been on dates with.

spookehtooth · 01/11/2023 20:43

I get you @Whenwillitpass I'd call my situation a mixture of both, choice but also things which my grasp on the details isn't entirely clear. Not being able to tell signs kind of counts, I think, as a lack of awareness thing in a way. Some people, a lot perhaps, might misread as "he's not interested, so I'll not bother" when I might well be and thinking similar to them. There's other things where my grasp is hazy, and for all I know things I might adjust if I knew

GrumpyPanda · 01/11/2023 20:46

Patronising much?

PsychoHotSauce · 01/11/2023 20:46

Mackeroo · 01/11/2023 20:22

Yes, the reason being they're not desperate and don't suffer fools gladly

I was going to write similar. I could have settled if my body clock was ticking or whatever but looking back I would have regretted still being with any of my exes.

Maybe I'm high maintenence, maybe I am not a good "chooser" of men. Who knows. I do know that I would rather be single than settle, and spend a day on the relationship boards and I wouldn't trade my single status for most of their situations.

Celia24 · 01/11/2023 20:46

I have been content single for a while now. After a break up I took a few years to be by myself and follow my passions which has really paid off. As a serial monogamist I've also enjoyed having some flings as and when the mood strikes!

Now I feel ready and have space in my life again for a partner. A male friend had just asked me out and I'm really excited about it 😊

The thing is my previous relationship ended in heartbreak and infidelity. It took me a long time to get better and I learned that I can stand on my own two feet no matter what. I
don't need a man but now am open to love and sharing my life with someone. I also know I have a good life when it's just me and that's given me a lot of confidence.

VelvetVoice · 01/11/2023 20:48

I would say that people are single because they are somehow emotionally unavailable even if they are the happy single type.

I'm single but in a relationship (eg.not married) and have no plans to give my freedom up but also enjoy the connection with my BF. It is the best of both worlds. If BF proposed I would probably say no because I have crazy high expectations for a husband (divorced twice) and I know that as he is now he would not be able to meet those expectations on the financial front (and he is a high achiever and top earner).