Are the single people you know single for a ‘reason’?

[Whenwillitpass]

I may not have phrased that very well and I hope this post isn’t going to sound unkind. I have a few friends who have been single for many years or who have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. In most cases there is a ‘reason’ for this E.g. one friend has totally unrealistic expectations that no-one can live up to. She wants a partner who is handsome, pays for everything, worships her, etc. she goes on a couple of dates then finishes things for reasons like they didn’t pay for her taxi home. Obviously she is entitled to have standards and non -negotiables but sometimes I think she is her own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Another friend wants to maintain his freedom to go out and do whatever whatever he wants when he wants even when in a relationship. He won’t really compromise. So I am wondering if other people notice anything similar with their single pals (the ones who would like relationships but can’t seem to find something that works long term). Of course many people are happily single so I don’t mean them.

I’ll have up look that one up!

Tbh if a friend or female relative met someone who behaved like him I’d be saying to them that it was love bomb red flag city. He’s currently in a huff with me for saying that after the latest heartbreak when she dumped him for suggesting they should live together after 5 weeks and 3 dates (and bluntly told him it was weird)

tbh if he was a friend I’d have got bored of the constant drama and walked away long ago. Not as easy with a relative

Yes, I see that. I married two unsuitable men because I didn't know how to have healthy expectations of a relationship. The rare few times I went out with decent guys, I behaved quite badly because - to simplify a complicated story - love meant a battleground to me.

After the second divorce, I did 15 years of therapy. Now I understand what went wrong, and what good relationships are like. But, by then, my circumstances had changed drastically. I'm not in a good position to be thinking about a partner, it would be too much hassle, and I'm genuinely happy with my own company now.

Few of my friends know the full story: most would simply say I chose the wrong men - and that's true enough!

No not really. Most of the singles I know have been through a couple of serious relationships where that was life’s priority. They’ve just sort of moved on to being single and being happy.

I’m long term single because I the two times I thought i had met “the one” they both broke my heart so now I’m afraid to be hurt again. Also I guess I’m somewhat “picky” and rarely click with anyone physically or emotionally to want a long term relationship with them (and I’ve dated a LOT). So I see myself single forever and I’m not completely happy about it but it is what it is.

This post seems to suggest that being in a romantic/sexual monogamous pair bond relationship is the "norm", and if anyone is not in that situation we should look for reasons why not. Isn't the opposite more logical? People would each have a specific reason to enter into/stay in a long term monogamous relationship, and those without such a reason would remain single.

My brother is single and tbh I've never considered whether there was a reason. He seems content with his life and has lots of friends that he goes on group holidays with.

Given all the shit you can read about on the relationship boards and how low some people's bars can be I really admire people who are not willing to settle for less than perfect just for the sake of being in a relationship

Only one person and that's because she's a self diagnosed everything, including being a sociopath.

I have an ex-friend who fits the bill. She was very pretty in her youth and up to her 50s. Had loads of boyfriends, rejected marriage offers because why settle down when she was so popular. A narcissist also. By her late 50s it began to dawn that she hadn't got a rich husband like other women she knew. I told her it wasn't the answer. Still she moaned on and on. The last relationship was an obvious dead end divorced man who love bombed her and had no intention of commitment. I think she thought she was playing him too.

I have worked with two different people who were always lamenting the fact they were single and wondered why. One was quite desperate for a relationship and made this known early on and the other was incredibly immature which I imagine put men off.

But I also know someone - not a friend - who is quite unpleasant and obnoxious but married to a lovely man. Has anyone else ever seen this? I always wonder what the attraction is and how it works.

I don’t know anyone single as their standards are too high but I’m sure there are many and good for them. I wouldn’t and didn’t compromise either. So glad I waited to meet my husband!

One friend has MH and physical problems, and has a string of failed relationships.
Another lurches from relationship to relationship because they believe they can 'fix' their new partner, and is stunned when it all goes wrong.
Another has carried out carer duties for the past 2 decades and is now struggling with childhood trauma that has surfaced, along with MH issues.

As for me, as I've grown older I've realised why I've never married. I can see the arc from child-me to now. Very young, narcissist parents, unmarried, never a home life together. I was never encouraged to develop in any way, marriage wasn't even mentioned as a goal. Nor career. I just drifted, well into my 30s.

But I happened to be a strong and intelligent person and I did okay for myself in the end. It just never involved wanting to be married or having a baby. I actually hated/still hate the physical idea of being pregnant and giving birth. I also needed to look after me, not living vicariously via a child. No regrets. I'm a happy spinster.

Good point, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I suppose in my circle it is the norm to be in a relationship - most people I know are part of a couple.

I am single because I’m a lone parent and don’t get any time away from my children. I would love to meet someone but it’s not possible. So that’s my ‘reason’

Finding a good relationship is a matter of luck. I see that most people I know who are single they are because they want to or because they are not prepared to put up with a shit relationship just for the sake of having one.

Interestingly, I know more happily divorced women than I know happily married women but each to their own.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I highly recommend it, absolutely hilarious!

do you think he needs therapy maybe? or could he be nd?

I am single because I want to be. Same with most single people I know. I do know one exception to this. There is nothing wrong with her, but she single in her 40s and has always wanted to marry.

I get what you mean.
I do have a friend that chooses to be single but I have met a few people and also my SIL who don’t want to be and it’s not because they have high standards or unrealistic they are just not good partner material. Needy, aggressive, bad with money, childish, just traits that are negative.

I did also know someone who was very sad about still being single aged 32. He did appear a bit desperate and I think that put women off. He is a lovely chap, but I think his intensity unnerved the women he dated. Then one day when he had pretty much given up hope he met someone and they have been very happily married since 2014. I have never seen a couple so happy together.

There's always a reason. My friend has had a couple of long term relationships & DC, but has been mostly single and has been for many years now (mid 40's). She doesn't want to be & always wanted the standard nuclear family.

She's simply attracted to bad men. Beefy, 'masculine' types who inevitably turn out to be violent, or who flatter her but just use her for a good time then discard her. She also had a bad childhood & is clueless about relationships. She moved away when her DC were young (for a man) & left them with their fathers. Genuinely can't understand why her now adult DC are indifferent to her.

It's sad as she's incredibly beautiful, fun, and generous.

@RogueFemale your story and mine is very similar. I feel the same way.

The single friends I have include a few who just haven’t found the right person yet… but the most definitively single ones are, almost without exception, people who have been burned multiple times by “wonderful people” who turned out to be pretty much jerks.
And now they’re very reluctant to place themselves where that might happen again.
So no… I wouldn’t say it’s because of something they did consciously or unconsciously; it’s simply that they’ve experienced betrayal, abrupt dumping, liars, utterly meddling extended family of the significant other, or potential life partners who might’ve worked out if they hadn’t pushed so hard/moved so fast before my friends were ready to commit. (And I’m not saying the wonderful single friends I have need to get past commitment issues; I’m saying some of their potential serious relationships ended because the other person was really unreasonably rushing or pushy or over the top to the point where all of us had to question what was actually the motive!)

Are you me??

I'm single because I'd like my partner to be kind, cheerful, honest and solvent.

And somehow that seems to be a problem for a lot of men. I don't think I'm unreasonable but anyway, those are my expectations.

I have a lovely son and a nice life so I don't tend to worry about it too much 🙂

I think when you’ve been single for a while you realise the grass can actually be greener so there’s really no point in compromising on any old relationship - it would take a pretty special person.