Are the single people you know single for a ‘reason’?

[Whenwillitpass]

I may not have phrased that very well and I hope this post isn’t going to sound unkind. I have a few friends who have been single for many years or who have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. In most cases there is a ‘reason’ for this E.g. one friend has totally unrealistic expectations that no-one can live up to. She wants a partner who is handsome, pays for everything, worships her, etc. she goes on a couple of dates then finishes things for reasons like they didn’t pay for her taxi home. Obviously she is entitled to have standards and non -negotiables but sometimes I think she is her own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Another friend wants to maintain his freedom to go out and do whatever whatever he wants when he wants even when in a relationship. He won’t really compromise. So I am wondering if other people notice anything similar with their single pals (the ones who would like relationships but can’t seem to find something that works long term). Of course many people are happily single so I don’t mean them.

I have a friend who makes a fabulous friend but would make a horrible partner!

He is scatterbrained and will forget to turn up to things arranged with you, or torn up at the wrong place, etc (but never to a business meeting) and has played havoc with my schedule a few times when I've needed to rely on him. He also cannot stand arguing. If someone he is in a relationship with raises their voice to him even slightly then he will effectively ghost them.

But he is generous, thoughtful, monogamous, and good at staying in touch.

He's also got very high standards on cleanliness but has not always comprehended etiquette and invited his cousin along to a dinner that our other friend hosted and paid for at a restaurant without asking first or letting anyone know in advance and was baffled when we took him aside afterwards and said "Do NOT do this again!"

He once asked my friend and I (the 3 of us often hung out) if we had any single friends we could introduce him to so I know he really wants to be in a relationship.

This.

And the things people describe that make their friends single - there are millions of people like this who are in couples. Single people are not somehow lacking in character in some way.

It’s pretty much luck that you meet the “right” person at the right time.

I’m sure there are thousands of men like this who are married. Your friend’s singleness is not down to some unique character flaw.

Some of the things people are posting here about their friends make me wonder about the posters’ concept of friendship. Unless of course, smug condescension to your single friends is part of your definition of friendship.

I have a few single friends who are all on paper a 'catch' but seem to be to be incredibly fussy and find fault with people almost immediately. All are dating regularly and really want to settle down.

To add. None of the below have been in a long term relationship before.
I also have other friends who are single by choice and loving life, usually after a divorce or similar.

I’ve got a couple of single friends. One of whom has a very niche hobby that she loves, unless she meets someone from that community it’ll be hard to have as much involvement as she’d like. She’s spent years trying to find someone and has realised she’d rather be on her own, in her own space without having to compromise. She’s the happiest and most content she’s ever been.

My other friend has come out of a disastrous relationship with someone abusive, who was a rebound after her marriage came to an end in a particularly nasty way. She’s realised she’s vulnerable, needs to work on maintaining boundaries and not picking a total twat. I’m glad she’s come to that realisation after having been treated like crap for a very long time.

I'm single by choice, I've dated in the past couple of years and it's not for me. I don't like the choices available to me right now, and I like being single, although I also like going out for dinner. I was like this in my twenties before I married in my thirties, and I am like this now in my early fifties. I'm just not an easy-going happy to get together with someone just ok type of person. I'm quite critical of people, myself and men. I tend to feel happier alone and have a good social life. In a relationship I can feel a bit claustrophobic and I don't enjoy everyday tasks together, and couple time, I enjoy the 'good bits' like going out for dinner, laughing, sex, all the romantic stuff and I don't have a reason to compromise now and put up with the rest.

I had a fabulous husband, but he died, even he wasn't perfect! Unless it's pretty close to that, I'm not all in.

I would say then I am single for a reason, that I can tolerate being single happily and being coupled up I find quite stressful/

I also, mid-fifties, have pretty much most of my friends in marriages I couldn't tolerate (everything from grumpy blaming husbands to unfaithful ones) and I don't have a compelling reason to do that.

I was known as being fussy when I was younger, I don't mind this label.

Interesting this because I'd say the same!

The men I know who are single I look at and think yeah, I can see why (one is a 50 something still living at home mammys boy).

The women, while I know most would like not not be alone, they also won't "settle" for mediocre, they don't suffer fools and prefer to be alone than in a less than fulfilling relationship.

Interesting that you mention this. One of my friends is married to someone exactly like this. We all think that he is a self serving passive aggressive abusive jerk but she thinks he is a marvellous husband and father.

He is a man that when he is not neglectful is abusive. But even with such level of charm he has always had a partner and have even managed to have 2-3 affairs while in a relationship so…

I guess it is a matter of how we see the relationship, there are thousands of jerks who have a partner and the same characteristics as single people who don’t, they just found someone desperate enough to put up with the behaviour and stay married “for the sake of the children”.

This
Im single, dating but not committing atm. I am that busy with other things. I was in relationship for 25 years. Single for 3. Everyone else came first for decades. Its my time. Its either date at my pace or don't date me.
I wasnt looked after with previous relationship, i carried the lot.
Now i wouldn't accept that, i expect anyone im dating to make the effort to plan dates, not just me. To pay every other date. No sex until we have had a lot of dates . To accept i have my own life and won't wait around incase he/she rings. If they mess me about, not contact me for a week for example, im out of there.
I am absolutely happy being single, happy to be in a relationship if its right one.
I shouldn't need anyone, i should want them

Of course they are single for a reason - just like OP presumably, and many others, are a couple or married for a reason.

No-one couples up or gets married by accident. No-one is simply single because they are waiting their turn to be picked by the next person on the conveyor belt.
We all make the choices we do based on the opportunities and circumstances we have.

To sneerily imply that any woman, (or occasionally a man), who is not part of a couple is somehow lacking or odd or substandard in some way is both stupid and nasty.

(Oh and just because a relationship doesn't last fifty years doesn't mean it is in some way "unsuccessful".)

My bestie who is single is single because she has good boundaries and self respect. She won't put up with someone treating her rudely or badly any more. I'm proud of her as this was hard learned.

I have a number of single friends who date but don't feel a desperate need to be coupled up, so it would have to be someone spectacular for them to change their way of life by having a serious relationship.

The only one I can think of who is overly picky as described in your OP, is a man with some MH issues and I think he sabotages anything good in his life before it gets a chance to reject him 😪

The people I know who are long-term single are generally people with high standards, good friends, jobs they enjoy, interesting hobbies and generally nice lives who would only be interested in a romantic relationship if it enhanced their lives and who have found that the ones they've tried in the past haven't. And I think that the longer someone has a really nice life as a single person, the harder is is for a partner to enhance that life, because that settled, coupled sort of relationship takes time and effort away from the the things that make the asingle life good.

DD and her two single friends have chosen to be single. They don’t date, by choice. They decided men weren’t worth the trouble and judging by a lot of the posts on here they are right. DD had two long term relationships that ended badly and said too many of her friends were in unhappy marriages. All three of these women have good careers, a strong social circle and strong family ties. They dote on their nieces and nephews and relish their independence.

I have 2 single friends who have both been married. Both in their 50s. One has said she will remain single. She doesn’t want anyone with children or anyone who drinks ( think her ex was an abusive drunk.) She has said this narrows the pool down to virtually nil. She also did t want anyone who is financially stable.
The other one is looking but has pretty high standards. She is slim, well off and quite young for her age. She wants a man who matches that. So far she hasn’t found one.
Dh has a long time single friend. He is set in his ways. The only women he ever shows an interest in are a lot younger than him and very attractive. So yeah, unrealistic expectations in that case.

The single people I know are single because they want to be. I know a fair few marrieds that are only together for financial reasons though, which is a horrid but quite common position to be in.

To sneerily imply that any woman, (or occasionally a man), who is not part of a couple is somehow lacking or odd or substandard in some way is both stupid and nasty.

Beautifully put @honkersbonkers38 This whole thread, and the OP in particular is just a lot of smug partnered people thinking they are special. They're not - they're just lucky to have met the right person at the right time.

And that "right person" could turn into the "wrong" person tomorrow. As wonderful as people like the OP or others posting nasty stuff about their so-called friends.

Think on it.

I also think it’s very different now. In the past people generally met their oh in their teens or very early 20s. They married and stayed together through thick and thin. It’s not like that now. People split up and so we have people aged say, 50 who are single and trying to date. Most probably they are parents with exes, debts and all the baggage that entails. Many people do not have the opportunity to meet someone at work, or at a dance, or pub or through family etc. times are different and that’s why so many rely on dating apps. These apps allow you to put in your filters. That can be a good thing. It can also mean people exclude potential partners based on things they think they want/ don’t want.

I was accused of being too choosy here when I asked what I was doing wrong on OLD. The fact is I have a very good single life, it might be enhanced by a romantic relationship with someone very special but it won't by any of the people met on OLD!

I am single because I have been working through trauma whilst being a SP. I have been busy trying to fix my family.

I've had one 3month relationship in 20years.

I am grateful for the privilege of 3 sons.

I do however fantasize about my knight in shining armour, as I'm beyond tired of facing life on my own. He will look at me like I'm the only woman in the world, and return my kindness and respect.

Anything short of my fairytale can dunk itself in the fuckit bucket 🧚

But that's not what the OP means. Single by choice is another thread. She clearly means those who don't want to be single but always are.

Dumping someone who didn't pay for your taxi home after a couple of dates is an example the OP gave and that's ludicrous.

Same for the guy who lives as a bachelor and won't make allowances for a gf. Why bother looking.

I think it's a combination of all things.

I'm single. I've had a few short relationships over the past 18 years but I never really wanted anything serious iyswim?

My ds is disabled so part of knew o couldn't be what someone else may want.

Now it's because I don't have time. Am I selfish? Maybe. But it took me a lot of my adult life to realise I could and should put myself first. I still come after my ds sometimes but that's life and part of compromise of relationships. But if I was in a relationship any "me time" would be compromised. I'm not ready to do that. I can't do that. I'm currently up at 4am everyday and get home at 7.30pm most evenings. Weekends are mostly full batch cooking, shopping and housework as well as things for ds. Any weekends I have free (I have 1 between now and Xmas Eve!) are spent doing nothing. I need that downtime.

I think (I'm pretty certain) I'd quickly resent another person in my life taking my limited free time. I also think having been a single parent for 18 years I'd find it really hard to adjust to having to think about another person in regards to meal times, shopping, plans etc.

So I guess yes I'm single because I couldn't meet the demands of a relationship.

But it's still be an active choice despite circumstance also dictating it in some respects.

Well done for your outlook regarding your child more should do this rather than jump into relationships and mess with a child's head. I did for the first 10 years of my oldest concentrated in him and was perfectly happy on my own. Then met my Mr right and been married a few years with 3 more

As I said earlier in the thread, I’m single myself. Not sure why you are presuming I’m married?