Are the single people you know single for a ‘reason’?

[Whenwillitpass]

I may not have phrased that very well and I hope this post isn’t going to sound unkind. I have a few friends who have been single for many years or who have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. In most cases there is a ‘reason’ for this E.g. one friend has totally unrealistic expectations that no-one can live up to. She wants a partner who is handsome, pays for everything, worships her, etc. she goes on a couple of dates then finishes things for reasons like they didn’t pay for her taxi home. Obviously she is entitled to have standards and non -negotiables but sometimes I think she is her own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Another friend wants to maintain his freedom to go out and do whatever whatever he wants when he wants even when in a relationship. He won’t really compromise. So I am wondering if other people notice anything similar with their single pals (the ones who would like relationships but can’t seem to find something that works long term). Of course many people are happily single so I don’t mean them.

Let’s start a thread called Reasons why married people are married. Strange thread OP, any chance you’re envious of people who choose to stay single?

I'm single because I haven't met anyone who's asked me out since my husband passed away. I had two small kids at the time and granted most men I met were either married to my friends or worked for me or whatever. But I have met a few single men but I guess they aren't interested. And I don't think it's down to 'vibes' I'm giving off - I would have been happy to start dating again two or three years afterwards, and one guy I had quite a thing for and we had a couple really nice conversations but nothing came of it.
Most people I know who are single say the same - just haven't met anyone. None of them are that picky- they aren't looking for Prince Charming, just some one kind who they can share time with. One's a doctor, one's a business woman, one's a nurse - all around men all the time.

I would say that people are single because they are somehow emotionally unavailable even if they are the happy single type.

Rubbish. All my friends are single, as am I. We want people who ‘add’ to our life. That doesn’t make us emotionally unavailable, it means we have standards.

Better to be single and happy than with someone who drains your soul away.

I'm in the opinion that men are shit and that's the prevailing reason. I'm also tired of the old diatribe that women should make themselves a certain way because it attracts men 🤢

Yes totally

I'm single because I'm happier that way, if people want to "lower their standards" for the sake of being part of a couple then that's their choice.
For me, I'm long term single and love it.
I hope my friends are less judgemental 🤷🏽‍♀️

Not single anymore, but I think that when you have a break in your late 20s/early 30s (e.g. taking time to establish career after ending a relationship) returning to dating is a shock as many men seem much older. It is a jump from students to adult men.

there are all sorts of societal, familial, biological, economic and individual reasons. I don't think making a gross oversimplification of this is necessarily useful? I mean in a way, more people are single now because they can be... it is not expected for individuals to be paired up. also the choices are so extensive and I think people perhaps end up having choice paralysis. whereas before options were few young people in your village or perhaps the next village if you are being adventurous. there is also no requirement to commit to marriage and divorce is fairly easy so people don't feel a rush to committ and leave shitty situations more easily. given these broader societal changes, I am not sure individual personalities etc. are that important.

Your friends don't know how to compromise. That's why they are single!

Most are because they want to be, but I have a male relative who bemoans being single.

However, as soon as he gets into a relationship he’s mega full on. Falls in love after a couple of weeks, wants to introduce to the family, talks about marriage, children and living together, wants to spend every free moment together. Women run.

Then he mourns and mopes for a while. Talks about realising he was too much and how he won’t do that next time. Then meets “the one” and the cycle starts again.

Disagree .

Maybe they don't WANT to compromise so they're happy as they are .

I'm done compromising my standards for a man . I'm done cleaning skiddy undies , taking shit , being a skivvy . If that's what I have to compromise to have a man - fuck that

The flaw in the theory is that there are many people in a relationship who also do whatever they like or have very high expectations or who won't compromise.

So whilst it can be simplistic and easy to equate those behaviours with their single status - it cannot simply be that. Otherwise everyone who behaved like that would be single, and they're not.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings sounds like you are friends with detective Boyle from brooklyn99 lol

erm..... that's quite harsh. life happens. plenty of people simply never find the right person, or find the right person and then lose them... others might have very difficult lives which makes it very difficult to find a partner such as people with complex disabilities. a lot of people are very lonely as a result and I think a statement like the one you made may be very hurtful to some

Imo, some people go on dates etc. because they think it’s the law to do so and they can’t admit to themselves or others that they’d rather be single. These are people who would sabotage any potential relationship.

One long-term single acquaintance, various reasons but a. Wont compromise on looks eg she dumped a guy whose body type she felt was not attractive/not exactly her type when she got a good look on the second or something date.

Whereas I would not dump someone on body type if I was attracted to them at all.

That doesn't mean I'm right and she's wrong; just that she'd be pickier, I suppose.

Secondly, she can only seem to concentrate on one thing at a time and cannot really juggle - so she kept putting off seeking a relationship due to work, also due to renovating (well, more just decorating) her house etc etc. Whereas I wouldnt let those things stop me dating. I'd consider it a bad idea to waste time like that while at "settling" age.

Thirdly, she has some issues wherein she becomes defensively (?) detached and blithe and vulgar when intimate and says things accordingly that could be quite offensive to men (or anyone), after/while having sexual contact. Whereas I would usually be diplomatic/pleasant.

I know another lady who's been single seemingly her whole life and she's possibly asexual and incredibly independent (runs own business and very dominant in doing so) and I presume wasn't interested and didn't want any restrictions on her independence and dominance.

I'm going to bet that everyone who is in a relationship compromised on something. Sometimes that's fine - compromise is good
And necessary. I just don't want to

The last time I had a man in my bed I couldn't wait for him to leave . He was literally out by 8am .

I like my own space . I like dating . I just don't want a relationship.

What were you hoping to get out of this thread op?

Right now I'm laid in bed with my dogs , watching Yellowstone. Just eaten my evening meal in bed . No one would want my lifestyle and that's fine - I do . I'm awake a lot of the night . I work , I've got some health issues , I joined the dating agency our time and had a date , a very enjoyable meal out and a fumble . Can't say I feel like I'm missing much . I keep trying , just in case . Been single only 4 years out of a lifetime . I actually do just prefer pleasing myself . Selfish maybe but had kids at 19 so now I'm my 50s I do what I want .

Three of my close friends are currently single. One was widowed a couple of years ago and is basically having the time of her life burning through the life insurance payout and doesn’t feel the need to get back on the dating wagon. One has been single for years and seems to have no interest in a relationship - she had a boyfriend at uni but even with him, she didn’t seem that bothered. She’s very content with her house, cats, career and hobbies. The other desperately wants to find someone and marry them but all her relationships seem to end badly.

it takes all sorts I guess.

So are you saying you think your friend should lower her standards?

I know many men who wouldn’t want a woman paying for half, as they are very old fashioned like your friend.

There was a thread on here a while back about deal breakers and some in my eyes were ridiculous like not being good at spelling or not reading for pleasure.

These are things that wouldn’t even enter my head when dating someone but for these women these were deal breakers and they would be lowering their standards by overlooking these things.

I know my mum was really annoyed at me once because I turned down a man who was very handsome and was a doctor.
To her, that was all that mattered.
The fact that he was a misogynist prick wasn’t an issue for her, but it would be for me.

I would be happy with someone on a minimum wage job, who was less attractive as long as they had a decent personality and I would not be lowering my standards to go for someone who didn’t have a decent personality.

My guess is she wanted to gloat and psychoanalyse singles .

Absolutely no one would put up with me Barr my ex husband . And even then I was restricted . I've never ever been able to just do what I want when I want , if you share a bed you can't really watch tv till 3 am and eat tea at 10.30 .
I can . Because it's just me . And I like it .

Couldn't agree more.

Yes your post is unkind.

What you don’t talk about or consider is that for most (almost all) people, meeting someone is largely a matter of luck. There’s actually quite a lot of serious research which backs this up. And it’s always harder for women because most women expect to “partner up.” We’re conditioned to do so - find a partner who is taller, older, richer.

Of course, smug marrieds like to think it’s because they are superior to single people. Your title shows that: “single for a reason”. Often that reason is that they haven’t met the right person at the right time. Nothing to do with their personalities.

You don’t sound like much of a friend.