Are the single people you know single for a ‘reason’?

[Whenwillitpass]

I may not have phrased that very well and I hope this post isn’t going to sound unkind. I have a few friends who have been single for many years or who have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. In most cases there is a ‘reason’ for this E.g. one friend has totally unrealistic expectations that no-one can live up to. She wants a partner who is handsome, pays for everything, worships her, etc. she goes on a couple of dates then finishes things for reasons like they didn’t pay for her taxi home. Obviously she is entitled to have standards and non -negotiables but sometimes I think she is her own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Another friend wants to maintain his freedom to go out and do whatever whatever he wants when he wants even when in a relationship. He won’t really compromise. So I am wondering if other people notice anything similar with their single pals (the ones who would like relationships but can’t seem to find something that works long term). Of course many people are happily single so I don’t mean them.

No, not really.

I have a school friend and I'm sad for her that I think she got to the point a few years ago where she knew for a fact that kids weren't going to happen for her (economic reasons she can't opt to be a single parent); she's lovely and I don't think very emotionally demanding, but it just hasn't happened although she had a few LTRs.

The real mystery is SIL - beautiful, accomplished, in mid 30s but has never had an relationship we know of, barring apparently a short one with an older divorcé while living abroad which was never going anywhere. My best guess is that she would probably suit a shy, bookish young fogey type who is into art and boooks, but being as she is and the circles she moves in the kind of guys who go for her are super-confident, flashy types who she's not interested in. DH has suggested she doesn't find anyone who she really finds interesting. I think MIL is probably doing her nut and is upset that the possibility of a wedding for her only daughter (and he siblings only had boys) is getting further and further away.

I am single because I choose to be single, as is my exDH. I like my life the way it is and don't want to have to compromise to fit in with anyone else.

I’m single and I find this an interesting question. I think I could probably answer why I’m single. My standards are too high. I don’t mean that I have standards I mean they’re too high! I’m a morbidly obese scruffy woman in her 30s who’s too tired to even think half the time. I have a young child and no social life so what would I talk about? I have nothing too often a partner in terms of energy and interest.
but I would still want a partner who is fun to be around and energetic etc. so my standards are definitely too high. Till I can raise my own value as a partner I wouldn’t want to settle, so I choose not to date

It seems really difficult to meet people after a certain (young) age. I, like my friends, met my DH at uni, all in our late teenage/early to mid 20s. You know, before you start working full time and only socialising at the weekends.

I often think meeting someone now when I work full time, cram all my life admin into the 2 day rushed weekend, would be quite impossible. You'd meet a lot less people, and have a lot less men or women to choose from.

To be honest I see so many unhappy women in relationships/married who are stuck due to kids and/or financial reasons it makes me glad to be single.

I was in long term relationships from my teens to mid 30s and since being long term single I've never felt happier. One thing I've noticed is since being content on my own where I don't need a man for anything, my bullshit radar is 100% and I certainly wouldn't put up with any of the crap I have from men previously. It would take a very good guy to be worth compromising the peace I have now found.

Take 100 attractive men and women and compare them to 100 unattractive men and women. There will be more single unattractive people, regardless of whether they are kind, funny, smart. Sad but true. The world is shallow.

I'm long term single because I like being single. Is that a good enough reason?

My friend is single. She's beautiful, intelligent, kind and great company. She's had a lot of bad luck.
Men are attracted to her but she finds out they're married or out of a relationship and just want someone to shag.
The 'reason' isn't down to her.

A female friend of mine hasn't dated for 10+ years - she's smart, quirky, interesting, fun but her job has been all consuming and... even she can't explain it - she just hasn't had the time to invest and really make the effort to find someone. I think she, understandably perhaps, lacks a bit of confidence re:dating and the drive to go out and find someone - she doesn't want to be single - but she doesn't really know how to go about it and is all too aware of all the problems - it's a shame - I'm sure there are people out there she would connect with but - in my view - it's partly a numbers game and you've got to have the confidence to get in the water and get out if you're not sure about someone. I don't think she's a person lacking in confidence generally - perhaps she is with dating. I suggested she tries going on some dates or even tries speed dating - it's still a "thing" - I have tried to encourage her over the past couple of years but she hasn't put herself "out there" yet. She's 50 and I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with her! She's got personality, character, intellect and humour.

I totally understand that many people choose to be single for all sorts of reasons, not least because they are happier single.

I’m single myself for what it’s worth.

Yes, they are all weirdos, secretly reptilian aliens and their lizardy skin occasionally emerges from their cuffs or collars warning others to stay well away. 🙄

I have 2 friends who are long term single, not by choice. I honestly don't know what the reason is. They're wonderful, laid back, interesting people but just never seem to meet the right guys for them. Maybe they've gotten to the point where they don't put themselves out there enough anymore. We're all 36 now. I really would love to see both of them meet someone nice but it's tough out there.

But I do have a friend who moans about being single every time I see her. She then says future man has to be a pilot, with model looks, tall, have lots of money, funny etc. None of this would bother me if she was happy being single though, it's only relevant because she would like a relationship.

My closest single friend is single because she has a demanding job in a small town where everyone knows everyone and no chance to meet anyone. She travels for work a lot (which might potentially widen the pool) but I get the feeling she's a home body and the men in her line of work are "wherever I lay my hat that's my home" types due to the nature of the work.
She's lovely and not at all demanding. I can see the same happening to me if I lost DH (heaven forbid). I used to be a bit of a nomad but now am settled and I have never taken any nonsense.

I was single for a long time and I used to find men either wanted someone more of a party animal or more subservient.
These days I suspect I would find them wanting someone more woke and less willing to say no to men but in the last 20 years sexism has just changed its catchphrases.

What a load of rubbish.

I was single for many years. Married at 40.
Had plenty of love interests, just wasn’t that arsed about having a boyfriend / relationship. Most fellas just felt like “some bloke”. Hence I never did OLD. Why would I want to be saddled with one of these random guys? No thanks!

Yes OP my DSis and Sil are both single because they are expecting inhuman levels of attention, money, support to be SAHMs, gifts, someone who always agrees with them about everything, level of attractiveness (they both expect 10s), career etc.

One has missed her fertile window and is now childless. It's really sad that they grew up believing this nonsense. In both cases they were the golden child who was told how special and important they were and their parents always took their sides over mine/DHs (and still do).

DSis at least openly admits she's fussy.

SIL is totally oblivious and will swear blind she doesn't want/need a man until the wine comes out and suddenly she's sobbing about the situation. Every bloody Christmas. I suspect she might already be on this thread somewhere ;)

Ooo I see both sides.

I have a friend who is single because she loves romance films and books too much, so anyone who doesn't fit her "book boyfriend" standards is immediately written off. I'm all for having standards but probably not to the level of the dominating winged men she reads about 😂

I also have a friend who's single because in every relationship she gets into, it triggers her mental health issues and she's just not in a good place and self sabotages.

The single men I know are all single because they're either mental 10, still attached to their mothers or just absolutely unaware that women are not just something to pick up and drop off. They're all single for reasons much worse than the women I know, but that's just probably my experience.

I often wonder if they look around at everyone in relationships and wonder why they're in them 😆 I do sometimes, I have a friend in a terrible marriage and I just wonder why she isn't single so I definitely think it goes both ways!

It's not weird at all - it's well documented, and referred to as 'aromantic' by many.
I've got a friend who's the same, and it's refreshing to see when everyone else seems desperate to be with (a sometimes awful) someone.

Yeah. One is not prepared to compromise and wants 100% freedom, she couldn’t answer to anybody about her whereabouts and doesn’t get the concept of sharing your life with someone.

The other is nice but hates spending money and barely eats anything. I think this is a turn off for most people.

I’m single because I know I barely have any child free time and know it would be extremely hard to work it in the first 6 months or so, I also don’t do dating sites and barely go out 🤣

No. I have several single friends in their 40s and 50s. They would like to have met a partner and had children. They are wonderful women but it just hasn’t happened for them. I can’t see any reason why not other than bad luck.

at least that’s my perspective. I’ve never thought to ask them why they haven’t settled down with someone. I was single for most of my twenties and would have been hurt if anyone asked me why, as it wasn’t a choice - I wanted to meet someone!

Attractive people have far more opportunities available to them dating wise and so a greater proportion WILL be attached, whether you believe the obvious or not.

I am single because I want to be. I have a single friend who wants a relationship but she has very low self esteem and needs a lot of reassurance which I think some men don't like.

I'm single because i lm happy being so than settling for something I don't want
I was married 25 years , then had a 5 year relationship with a controlling partner who judged everything

I love the ability to do whatever the hell I like when I like
Without judgment

If I don't want to get dressed in a weekend
If I want a lie in
If I want to eat toast in bed at 3 am
If I want my dogs on the bed

I love just pleasing myself.