DP refuses to show me messages between him and female friend

[Bellinibabe]

Name changed as this is quite personal. I’m having a tough time with my a situation with my partner and wanted another perspective please. Now I want to preface this by saying everyone has the right to privacy. That being said I have always been in open and honest relationships. I’ve known partners passcodes and they’ve known mine. My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place) he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much. My ex lacked boundaries with women so naturally my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong.

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused. I’m struggling with this. I’m not asking to go through his entire phone just the conversation with her so I can see for myself what I’m dealing with. For me personally if I had nothing to hide I would show the messages but he’s saying it’s invasive and I should trust him. I know he has a point but I’m struggling with the not knowing. I’m seeing him later to talk this all out but my mind is all over the place. I’m not really sure what to say to him and part of me is wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I’m not used to dating men with close female friends so this is all new territory to me. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half.

You say he backed off from the closeness, so he respects your feelings and has put boundaries in place? I wouldn’t like it either if my partner asked me to read my messages, I have nothing to hide but I’d see it as controlling. Id probably refuse for this reason. It’s hard to say whether or not you have anything to worry about without more details, but I don’t think that the refusal to let you read messages alone says anything.

Well I only have his word for it that he backed off and I suppose I do believe him. I’ve just never been the type to blindly trust someone. I always prefer to have proof of things but I understand it could be seen as controlling which is the last thing I want to be

If my partner asked to read any of my messages to a friend (of either sex) I’d respond the same way. It is controlling and suspicious. I’m afraid that doesn’t help you with the question of whether there is anything untoward, but I agree with PP that his reaction here doesn’t mean anything.

It is also completely fine for men and women to be close friends! And I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that he would suddenly stop confiding in his close friends when you came along, friendships are important and your partner can’t fulfill every need, no one can. If he wanted to be with her then presumably he would have when he was single.

I have also been on the other side of this when a new gf of long time male friends took a dislike to that relationship. I personally haven’t pushed it in those circumstances, but it is horrible and really sad when you’ve been close with someone for years and a new partner won’t have it and you suddenly lose your friend.

Hmm I don’t see much point in pursuing the relationship for either of you. Imagine it as the other way around; a secretive girlfriend and a suspicious boyfriend. Not really a solid foundation for a relationship.

He isn’t providing the openness you need, and you are not providing the trust he needs.

Move on, and try to trust your next partner.

There's nothing wrong at all with being very open and knowing each other's passcodes etc. But there's also nothing wrong with being a bit more private and refusing to share that kind of information. I don't think your partner has done anything wrong (unless you have other reasons for not trusting him that you haven't mentioned).

I don't have my DPs passcode and he doesn't have mine, I like some privacy. We both have friends of the opposite sex and neither of us has a problem with this

Ah, the old dilemma, whether to be a 'cool girlfriend' or not. It's you vs the one he told you not to worry about 😃. While I think reading someone's messages is an overkill I'm not interested in men with strong attachment to their female friends who lean on them for emotional support and all that BS. You seem to smell the rat also. Set him and yourself free

I wouldn’t let my DH read my messages with a male or female friend; it’s private.
have you met her? If not Could you not just all meet up for a drink? Suspect it would ease your worries about her and if your DP won’t do that it says something about his intentions

I don't think you should ask to read their messages unless you think he's cheating. However you should absolutely have an open conversation about how their friendship should be changed now he's in a relationship and explore with him why he thinks she doesn't grasp that.
my DH has a female friend and she was definitely leaning on him way too much at one point which was impacting on DH's wellbeing so I do get the situation. However you need your DH to be in your corner and keep a balance. He needs to be clear with her that he can't keep that level of closeness now!

I would move on as this clearly isn't working. He's quite within his right to have a close female friend and not to want to show you any messages, and you are quite within your rights to not want to be with a partner who does this. Neither of you are wrong but it seems like you are incompatible.

I think you're unreasonable to insist on reading his messages if he does t want to share them.

People can only give what they want to give to any relationship. If what he is giving you isn't what you want or "enough", move on. Trying to convince yourself he is the right level of uninvolved (for you!) with this other woman won't change what he is offering you.

Look at what he offers you. Is it what you want?

If you'd asked me to do this a year and a half into a relationship you'd have been dumped. Hell, you'd have been dumped the moment you asked me to make changes to my friendship.

I've known my best friend for 30 years. We're like family, we've supported each other through deaths of parents, her divorce etc. My conversations between us are just that - between us. In the same way that my conversations with my parents, my brother, or my partner would be. There's information in there that she'd be devastated to find out that my partner had read.

You don't trust your partner, so end the relationship.

This relationship is doomed to fail, and you have issues that need working on before any future relationship has a chance of succeeding.

If my partner felt uneasy about a friendship like this I would put their mind at rest.

I'd be really uncomfortable if my partner asked to read my messages, even though he absolutely could if he wanted to as he has my passcode...though he's probably forgotten it. I also have his passcode but I don't read stuff unless he says 'gosh look at this' ....

It does seem controlling....

I wonder if you can't trust him without seeing it in black and white is this the right relationship for you. Do you need a bit of time to work on things on your own first.

"Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore."

Presumably, at best, the messages are him saying you demanded they see each other less and her giving out about you because of it. Do you really need to read that? I'd call it quits as you aren't happy with his friendship with her. Or are you hoping he'll dump her completely (and resent you)?

Well that's not very Mumsnet of you 😄

the consensus is quite clear. I’ll back off on asking to see the messages. For the person that asked if I need to see things in black and white, yes I do. And no I don’t hope he ends his friendship with her. I’ve never once told him not to be friends with her I just said boundaries are important. I don’t suspect him of cheating per se as he really doesn’t seem like the type but I do worry a bit as some men will find a way to blindside you. I think I’m self sabotaging a little which is something to work on

Huge YABU.

Leave him if you don't trust him.

But it's absolutely not on to ask if you can read his private messages.

I’d echo all those who have said they’d feel really uncomfortable if their partner asked to read their messages, and furthermore those messages could well include very private information that the sender wouldn’t want disclosed. Now, my husband died a few years ago, and despite knowing each others passwords we never looked at each others messages (or at least, I didn’t!!)

But, without wishing to be morbid, having access to his phone was very helpful when he did die (suddenly) in terms of contacts, pictures (memories) and all sorts of other things. But, even then I didn’t look through his messages, WhatsApp’s or emails or anything else that could have included information about other people. If he or they had wanted me to have that information they’d have told me. Just my thoughts.

Not to derail the thread, but Google and apple both have services that allow you to give someone else access to your account if you don't log in for X number of days. I'd highly recommend everyone sets these up, as they do make life so much simpler in the event of an unexpected death.

Exactly.
Surely putting your partners mind at rest is far more important than the privacy of a few apparently innocent messages between friends.

The fact he is point blank refusing to do that is why you need to be worrying.

His 'right to privacy' apparently trumps you feeling secure and at ease with him.
Except its all innocent according to him.
But he more than happy for you to continue worrying and making you feel insecure, literally over 'nothing'?
Yeah ok.

Walk away. He isn't being honest with you.

Someone with nothing to hide would be falling over themselves to prove it if their partner was worrying over something.
Because someone who loves you, would want you to feel secure, loved and want you to trust them.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this.

He may have nothing to hide, but perhaps the friend does? If she has told him things over message in confidence, it would be massively unfair for you to have access to them.
Perhaps she's confided things in him that no one else knows. Perhaps she's said things to him that she does not want being leaked. She has said things to him in the understanding that it goes no further. She hasn't given you permission to read her messages, even if he gives you permission to read his.

Why do you feel you need to read the messages? If by not reading them you feel insecure, that only implies that you need full access to him to feel secure. So this will happen again in future, he gets no privacy to protect your insecurities.

This just doesn't work long term. You either trust someone or you don't. If you don't trust him by now, you never will.

@Bellinibabe your feelings and needs are just as valid as his.

He has displayed a behaviour you have previous experience with and that causes distrust and suspicion. While he has a right to privacy, he chose to engage in a behaviour he knew caused you concern so it is absolutely bang on that you should be made to feel at ease.

The fact he won't be open and honest speaks volumes about him.

I think either he is a liar who was indulging another woman's infatuation to boost his ego or he doesn't care about you in the same way that you do about him and you should let him go.

In a reverse scenario, you would show him your messages. You'd do that because you care about him and you have an open and honest approach. So, why isn't he the same?

He's hiding something...

I absolutely wouldn’t - I’m more with a PP that said they’d dump someone for this. They aren’t married; they’ve been together 18 months. As you say, someone who loves you would want you to TRUST them - and demanding to read their conversations doesn’t show that at all does it?

I think this is one of those cases where if a man was saying this about his girlfriend people would say it was abusive. I would wonder in what other way my partner was trying to investigate me tbh.