DP refuses to show me messages between him and female friend

[Bellinibabe]

Name changed as this is quite personal. I’m having a tough time with my a situation with my partner and wanted another perspective please. Now I want to preface this by saying everyone has the right to privacy. That being said I have always been in open and honest relationships. I’ve known partners passcodes and they’ve known mine. My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place) he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much. My ex lacked boundaries with women so naturally my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong.

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused. I’m struggling with this. I’m not asking to go through his entire phone just the conversation with her so I can see for myself what I’m dealing with. For me personally if I had nothing to hide I would show the messages but he’s saying it’s invasive and I should trust him. I know he has a point but I’m struggling with the not knowing. I’m seeing him later to talk this all out but my mind is all over the place. I’m not really sure what to say to him and part of me is wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I’m not used to dating men with close female friends so this is all new territory to me. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half.

Bollocks.

If DH asked to read my private messages he'd be told to bugger off, frankly.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're no longer entitled to privacy.

The way I see it, some people are fiercely attached to their privacy (as shown on this thread 😂). Others are very happy with an open relationship where each partner has access to the other person phone etc….

I don’t think there is anything wrong with either approach.

The issue is more that the OP and her DP have two opposite approaches and expectations and really this is what should be discussed.

And tbh Id also argue that many posters would react the same way re the friend.
See the whole men and women can’t be friend belief widely shared on MN….

@CameleonAreFightingBack it’s not really about being fiercely private about yourself, it’s about sharing someone else’s texts too. If they have been leaning on each other through tougher times there is probably stuff in there that op’s dp’s friend does not want to have shared with others.

That’s one side if things yes.

But not what posters have been saying so far. They are more along the lines ‘My privacy. You’re not entitled to read my texts and I’ll make a point about it’

Much here depends on whether or not your DP’s friendship is genuinely platonic, his behaviour with the woman appropriate etc. It sounds like you don’t trust him, which might or might not be well founded!

Also your own views about friendship.
For example I wouldn’t want DP to be confiding in female friends about our relationship, nor to have a ‘best friend’ with very frequent communication etc. so i wouldn’t have dated someone in that kind of set up for long - incompatable

Your posts are absolute insanity to me. Yes, if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you trust them, right up until they give you a reason not to.

OPs boyfriend has done nothing wrong, other than have a friend with a vagina. His girlfriend doesn't have the right to see his private messages, even if it would put her mind at ease.

Which of course it wouldn't, because she'll just keep asking to see them, until her boyfriend eventually gives in and stops seeing his friend. Controlling who your partner sees really isn't a good look. If she's not willing to get past this, she should end the relationship and look for a boyfriend who doesn't do friendships with women.

Sorry but you’re obviously worried, he could easily put your mind at rest but won’t. I’m on your side op. Bollocks to privacy. He’s “close” with another woman and your gut tells you something is off. Say no more.

agree with pp I wouldn’t be a “cool girl” in this instance either

It is someone you are dating and for one reason or another you do not trust hm. Dont waste any more time on him.

You can be fine with your husband having female friends and not want to be a "Cool girlfriend". You sound as unpleasant as your namesake.

I would refuse too, the idea is ridiculous

I think it is not right to insist on reading his private messages. Having said that, if you are just not comfortable with his close friendship to this woman, then leave and find someone new.

But he’s been ‘close’ with her for years , way before the OP met her. If anything was going to happen it would have done years ago. I’m not sure what ‘cool girl’ has to do with this particular situation…it’s controlling, albeit for understandable reasons given the OPs previous experience. But why should he be forced to expose private (in terms of his old friend) messages to assuage the OP? If I was the friend, I’d feel pretty p*ssed of if my private thoughts were shared with a woman I don’t know.

I’m glad you’ve decided to back off asking him, that’s the right thing to do here.

He respected your boundaries and distanced himself from a good friend. The friend wasn’t aware of this and rightfully asked him what was wrong. He doesn’t need to divulge private messages, especially if she is confiding in him.
How long have you been together? She was his friend for a while and I guess you need to accept that friendship and trust that it’s purely a platonic friendship that hasn’t crossed any lines.

So would I .

My best friend is male. My late husband was entirely relaxed about our friendship, but had he not been, and had asked to see our messages, I'd have refused. My friend has had mental health issues in the past which he shared with me at the time (and with no-one else other than his doctor). I would not have betrayed his trust by showing those conversations with anyone else. And if a friend of mine showed their partner things that I'd told them in confidence, I'd be beyond furious.

There's a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. Your partner is (like all of us) entitled to some privacy but this feels like he's been secretive. He's being secretive about the nature of the relationship and the conversations they're having. I think deep down you're sensing that and you've asked him to reassure you, but he's said no.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I would feel the same.

Almost all of the posters on this thread have said they wouldn’t despite being innocent. So that clearly isn’t the case.

It isn't abusive to ask someone to put your mind at rest over something they are doing that is making you very unsettled FFS.

That’s what my abusive ex used to say about me going out with friends, which led him to imagine all sorts apparently - because he was jealous and controlling. There was never any legitimate reason for that, it was just his discomfort - I guess I should have stopped seeing friends by that logic?

The point is OP doesn’t have a legitimate reason to be unsettled here either. She says herself her issues are to do with her past, and the sheer fact of him having a female friend that he was once close to. He has done what she asked in setting boundaries and it’s still not enough. What will be?

There’s just no point in a partnership with someone who you don’t trust is a waste of time. You both deserve better partners…though actually, I am not sure what he has done wrong.

What would make you happy? Surely seeing his phone wouldn’t put your mind at rest…after all, what if he had a second phone to hide messages on? That’s what I would do if DH was as paranoid as you.You see, his behaviour isn’t the answer to your happiness, changing your behaviour and attitude is the only way to feel less paranoid in future relationships.

I hope that you succeed to change your mind about how to be happy in a relationship. The answer lies within you, not in making partners expose everything to you.

I literally said this further up the thread.

No this is bollocks. Would I fuck let anyone read my messages. Either my partner accepts my friendships and chooses to trust me or they know where the door is. My friends are equally as important as my partner and I wouldn’t entertain anything that made me modify my behaviour or justify myself to a partner under the guise of “putting their mind at rest”. Everyone is entitled to friendships and privacy, and platonic emotional intimacy with friends, without being interrogated over it. That’s my boundary and I’d rather dump someone than acquiesce to controlling demands.

If he’s gone from being a close friend to suddenly distant with no explanation these are all pretty reasonable things for her to be saying (even though it’s pure speculation)

If my DP asked to read my messages I'd unlock my phone and give it to him. Him feeling comfortable would be dar more important to me.

More important than any confidences that your friend might have told you in messages?