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Original poster

DP refuses to show me messages between him and female friend

105 replies

Bellinibabe · 01/11/2023 14:11

Name changed as this is quite personal. I’m having a tough time with my a situation with my partner and wanted another perspective please. Now I want to preface this by saying everyone has the right to privacy. That being said I have always been in open and honest relationships. I’ve known partners passcodes and they’ve known mine. My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place) he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much. My ex lacked boundaries with women so naturally my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong.

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused. I’m struggling with this. I’m not asking to go through his entire phone just the conversation with her so I can see for myself what I’m dealing with. For me personally if I had nothing to hide I would show the messages but he’s saying it’s invasive and I should trust him. I know he has a point but I’m struggling with the not knowing. I’m seeing him later to talk this all out but my mind is all over the place. I’m not really sure what to say to him and part of me is wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I’m not used to dating men with close female friends so this is all new territory to me. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half.

OP posts:
Falzarega · 01/11/2023 23:04

If was having a wattsapp chat with a male friend, and then I found out that he’d been having all of my messages inspected and analysed by his partner, I’d think he was the victim in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. And I’d be pretty pissed off that both of them had ignored my right to privacy.

Either you trust him or you don’t. If you inspect his life and demand explanations for everything you need therapy to work out why you are like that.

Pokinganose · 01/11/2023 23:10

The issue isn't whether you should read his messages. The issue is that you don't trust him. Also, I'd change your password and don't tell him so that you're on a more equal footing.

LightSpeeds · 01/11/2023 23:14

FartSock5000 · 01/11/2023 16:10

@Bellinibabe your feelings and needs are just as valid as his.

He has displayed a behaviour you have previous experience with and that causes distrust and suspicion. While he has a right to privacy, he chose to engage in a behaviour he knew caused you concern so it is absolutely bang on that you should be made to feel at ease.

The fact he won't be open and honest speaks volumes about him.

I think either he is a liar who was indulging another woman's infatuation to boost his ego or he doesn't care about you in the same way that you do about him and you should let him go.

In a reverse scenario, you would show him your messages. You'd do that because you care about him and you have an open and honest approach. So, why isn't he the same?

He's hiding something...

^ Totally this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
LightSpeeds · 01/11/2023 23:16

And have they previously had sex?

RosiePeel · 01/11/2023 23:21

My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy

Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore.... he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much

my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong

Yet loads of you are telling the OP she is in the wrong.

saraclara · 01/11/2023 23:26

RosiePeel · 01/11/2023 23:21

My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy

Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore.... he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much

my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong

Yet loads of you are telling the OP she is in the wrong.

Yes, she's in the wrong to demand that he shares his phone conversations with her. They're not just his conversations, they're other people's. People who will have assumed that their conversation is private.

Whether her instinct is right or wrong is not what she's asking or what most people are addressing. You don't demand that a partner shares their phone messages. And if it was a man demanding that his partner let him read her messages, MN would be up in arms.

GarlicGrace · 01/11/2023 23:31

It's a handy rule of thumb, I think, that someone who orders you to trust them is not a person you should trust.

RosiePeel · 02/11/2023 07:14

saraclara · 01/11/2023 23:26

Yes, she's in the wrong to demand that he shares his phone conversations with her. They're not just his conversations, they're other people's. People who will have assumed that their conversation is private.

Whether her instinct is right or wrong is not what she's asking or what most people are addressing. You don't demand that a partner shares their phone messages. And if it was a man demanding that his partner let him read her messages, MN would be up in arms.

Show quote history

If I suspected my partner was cheating yes I’d ask to see the messages. I don’t consider that unreasonable. Neither would most of MN judging by most other threads. I note she said in her OP she asked. This has now become her “demanding”.

You’ve also made a salient point - the fact is that it’s a man doing this to a woman (OP) with another woman “friend”. Why is he everyone so keen to stick up for the man in this scenario when OP is saying her gut instinct is telling her something is wrong?

WimpoleHat · 02/11/2023 07:21

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused.

I’ve been very happily married to my DH for going on two decades. I have a couple of very close male friends that predate him. If he asked to see my messages to/from either of them, I’d refuse too. It’s a huge invasion of privacy and you’re basically telling him that you’re jealous and/or don’t trust him. If the latter is true, then this probably isn’t the relationship for either of you.

margotrose · 02/11/2023 07:29

Why is he everyone so keen to stick up for the man in this scenario when OP is saying her gut instinct is telling her something is wrong?

Because if she doesn't trust her partner, she should just end the relationship, not ask to see his private messages.

RedCoffeeCup · 02/11/2023 07:30

I don't think OP is in the wrong for asking. I also don't think her DP is in the wrong for refusing. That's how relationships work - you both have your own opinions and boundaries and you have to find a compromise or decide the relationship isn't working for you.

ElleCapitaine · 02/11/2023 07:34

Dump him. You don’t trust him. You have different values when it comes to privacy and sharing of personal conversations so this will always be a problem in your relationship. Find someone whose attitudes and values align more closely with your own.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/11/2023 08:22

Has anything ever happened romantically between them? It's worth asking as sometimes they just don't mention it

CheekyHobson · 02/11/2023 08:27

Why is he everyone so keen to stick up for the man in this scenario when OP is saying her gut instinct is telling her something is wrong?

@RosiePeel Because gut instinct isn’t evidence and can be a pointer to issues in oneself rather than the other person.

The OP herself said that her gut reaction is based on the experience she had with her ex, rather than this boyfriend. A gut reaction is a sign to take an emotional step back and ask yourself more questions and look for evidence or reason, rather than jump to conclusions.

If the only thing the boyfriend has done is have a pre-existing close female friend and to not want to share his private conversations with that friend with the OP, he has not actually done anything wrong.

If my boyfriend started saying he wanted to see message threads between me and my female friends to “set his mind at ease that I wasn’t talking about cheating or laughing at him behind his back” I’d be telling him he needed to reconsider if he wanted to be in a relationship with someone he clearly doesn’t trust and thinks so little of. I would not be opening up my conversations with friends to him based on zero evidence of actual wrongdoing.

Tdcp · 02/11/2023 09:51

I talk to a male friend from work sometimes. There's nothing remotely going on but I am entitled to a private conversation so no DP won't be reading the messages. I have suspicions that he goes through my phone anyway but I won't be made to feel bad for talking to a friend.

gannett · 02/11/2023 10:17

DP and I know each other's passcodes for practical reasons but we don't look through each other's messages. If he specifically asked to read a conversation with a specific friend I'd tell him to fuck off and consider making him an ex-DP. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me, who's suspicious of me, who thinks there's anything wrong with having male friends, or who needs "reassuring" at every turn.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place)

This entire paragraph is a huge red flag for me, and it's the OP waving it.

"A role I should be fulfilling" - you think a man can only have one source in support in his life? You think that now you're here, he has no need for his friends and you can elbow them out?

DP is a huge source of support for me but that's not mutually exclusive with my friends, male and female, still being sources of support as well. "Male support" is not a generic thing and I haven't swapped my male friends out for my partner. In fact depending on how I need to be supported I'll often go to friends before DP - some friends I know have similar life experiences to me, or work in the same industry. When I had a big career crisis a few years ago I met up with a couple of specific male friends who encouraged me and got me through it in a way DP couldn't have, because he doesn't work in my field.

Asking for boundaries to be put into place in someone else's friendship is extremely controlling. He can only be friends with this woman on your terms, and he can't even do her the respect of telling her he's backing off. I'd be interested to know what "boundaries" you insisted on.

LeaCFBC · 02/11/2023 11:03

OP, your insecurity is your problem, not any partners. Opposite sex friends are healthy and completely normal. Anyone who can't handle them has major insecurity issues. Instead of obsessing over seeing his messages, put that energy into working on the root of the problem...your own insecurities. Many of us have been cheated on in the past but mature adults don't bring that into a new relationship. Please look into working on your own self esteem instead of projecting your insecurities onto your partner's pre existing, healthy friendship.

RosiePeel · 02/11/2023 22:55

CheekyHobson · 02/11/2023 08:27

Why is he everyone so keen to stick up for the man in this scenario when OP is saying her gut instinct is telling her something is wrong?

@RosiePeel Because gut instinct isn’t evidence and can be a pointer to issues in oneself rather than the other person.

The OP herself said that her gut reaction is based on the experience she had with her ex, rather than this boyfriend. A gut reaction is a sign to take an emotional step back and ask yourself more questions and look for evidence or reason, rather than jump to conclusions.

If the only thing the boyfriend has done is have a pre-existing close female friend and to not want to share his private conversations with that friend with the OP, he has not actually done anything wrong.

If my boyfriend started saying he wanted to see message threads between me and my female friends to “set his mind at ease that I wasn’t talking about cheating or laughing at him behind his back” I’d be telling him he needed to reconsider if he wanted to be in a relationship with someone he clearly doesn’t trust and thinks so little of. I would not be opening up my conversations with friends to him based on zero evidence of actual wrongdoing.

The majority of advice on this website advises women to trust their gut instinct. I don’t why OP is getting such a hard time here.

GuinnessBird · 02/11/2023 22:59

If my husband asked to see my messages I'd laugh in his face, my friends tell me things that they would be mortified if my husband knew.

CheekyHobson · 02/11/2023 23:18

The majority of advice on this website advises women to trust their gut instinct. I don’t why OP is getting such a hard time here.

I think that advice is usually dished out when the OP has a gut instinct something is off because there are a number of signs adding up (eg husband is more emotionally distant, working late more often, has started dressing differently, suddenly being on his phone all hours) but when the OP asks about it, he insists nothing is wrong. If the OP in this kind of situation asks to see messages and is denied, there is enough extra evidence to suggest her gut instinct is right.

This is a different situation, where the OP knew from the start her boyfriend had a close female friend. She has asked him to reduce contact (controlling in itself IMO), which he has done, and she is now upset that the female friend seems distressed by the reduced contact, which a lot of posters here find normal, but which the OP seems to be taking to mean that they were more than friends.

Outside of the fact that the boyfriend has a close friend who is a woman (which is not a red flag in itself), there seems to be nothing else to suggest he’s cheating on the OP with the friend, thus no reason for the OP to be asking to see their messages.

Mumtime2 · 02/11/2023 23:23

You have no right to demand to read his messages.
He is allowed female friends.
They have a friendship, he must be a good guy and value hos privacy
It's your hang up not his.
My ex claims any friend wanted to sleep with me...I'm yet to sleep with any of them. Sad!

Dreamingofleisure · 02/11/2023 23:41

@Bellinibabe go with your gut instinct. It's all down to values and boundaries.

I've been in exactly the same situation as you. My ex was very secretive about his phone, sharing passwords was an invasion of his privacy, female best friend who was always talking to him but didn't want to meet me, friends with his ex and regularly went round for dinner even though they had no kids together. I KNEW I wasn't comfortable with it all. He kept making me feel paranoid and that it was my insecurities. Then one day he left an unprotected device around and I had a look. Won't go into detail but let's just say all my fears were correct and then some. He was dumped the same day. He completely crossed boundaries that for me were unacceptable.

I am now with someone who I totally trust because we are completely on the same page. He is open and honest. What he says is backed up by his actions and transparency. I'm free to look at his phone but I don't feel the need as he has completely earned my trust.

If you don't feel comfortable with the way your partner is secretive and has female friends, accept that you have different views on this and move on for both your sakes. He can then find one of these women who are cool with all of that, and you can find someone more respectful.

HomiesAlone · 02/11/2023 23:45

Can you tell us more about what you're concerned about OP? You may well have valid concerns but you need to spell it out a bit more.

PinkPantherPrat · 03/11/2023 00:01

It's quite natural to fall into quasi relationships (without any sexual interaction!) when you're both single.

I had a long term friendship where we both had a shared past growing up together then he met a brilliant woman and things changed. When he used to visit for a coffee he wanted to hold hands when we walked back to his car. One day I thought he hadn't and reached out my hand but he shrugged it off and then I realised things had changed because they were serious.

So I tried to scale back text messaging as it was so frequent in the past. I even asked him 'should I text Mrs X instead?' because I knew in the past we'd been too dependent on each other whilst single. He said no quite sharply! Things change.

If she's still being too clingy he should say to her that he's too busy with his girlfriend to text as much :)

But no you're not entitled to read his texts unless he shows you them.

RantyAnty · 03/11/2023 01:19

Who is the female friend? How does he know her?

I do think if he wasn't up to anything, he'd let you see the messages.

It'd be very easy to see if they'd been sharing nudes, sexting, sending xo to each other, or just taking shit about you to her.

You wouldn't have to read every single message to see those things.

My ex claimed the just friends nonsense to me trying to gaslight me and I eventually saw a few of the messages and he was trashing me to her and telling her had feelings for her.