DP refuses to show me messages between him and female friend

[Bellinibabe]

Name changed as this is quite personal. I’m having a tough time with my a situation with my partner and wanted another perspective please. Now I want to preface this by saying everyone has the right to privacy. That being said I have always been in open and honest relationships. I’ve known partners passcodes and they’ve known mine. My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place) he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much. My ex lacked boundaries with women so naturally my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong.

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused. I’m struggling with this. I’m not asking to go through his entire phone just the conversation with her so I can see for myself what I’m dealing with. For me personally if I had nothing to hide I would show the messages but he’s saying it’s invasive and I should trust him. I know he has a point but I’m struggling with the not knowing. I’m seeing him later to talk this all out but my mind is all over the place. I’m not really sure what to say to him and part of me is wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I’m not used to dating men with close female friends so this is all new territory to me. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half.

I would run a mile if a boyfriend of mine wanted to read my conversations with friends. Their lives are not his business and they wouldn't want me to spread what they have written to me. It's very unfair to put that on your partner, either you show me or I will think you are cheating.

Women are humans too and the friend is entitled to her privacy just as much as he is.

If you don't trust him then you don't trust him, you never will, so the messages could be shopping lists and it wouldn't matter. Sorry, but they are private messages between him and a friend and not your business.

My word should be enough would be my argument. It is offensive to me not to be trusted.

I think you have to work on your trust issues. Most people wouldnt show messages on demand.

How long have you known him?
Do you live together?

Do you ever meet up with her and him? I think getting to know her and seeing their dynamic is a better way to put your mind at rest.

Perhaps if he wasn't carrying on a relationship with this female friend which is clearly regularly crossing boundaries, OP wouldn't be asking to have her mind put at rest.

It always baffles me how some people think they should be blindly trusted above all else, when doing things that they themselves would be questioning a partner over.

If something I was doing was making my partner upset, I'd do something about it and put their mind at rest. Because I care about them.

OP, stick to your boundaries. If he keeps crossing them, then you are better off without him.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd be ok with a boyfriend requiring any alterations in my longstanding friendships, or access to my phone so they can check I'm not having sex with male friends?

No wonder Mners struggle so much with friendships if they 'retire' so many friendships as soon as they enter a relationship.

This friendship predates the relationship in this case!

By female friend I assume you mean a single female that you don't know? Rather than couples or friends that are both your friends?

If my dh had a female friend he was close to, that I didn't know it would make me very uncomfortable.
Dh wouldn't want me to feel uncomfortable so he doesn't have a close female friend.
Dh chose to marry me and my feelings would always come before any female friend.

We do however have mutual friends of the opposite sex and couple friends but they are our friends and we socialise together, I wouldn't have a problem with him meeting one of them without me or helping them out, meeting them for a chat if both free, that's what friends do that's completely different to a secretive female friend that you are unsure of.

Your relationship is doomed because you don't trust him.

While I agree with others insisting he show your messages is controlling - I think this is a red herring. You don’t trust him. You don’t like this relationship he has with a female friend - your spidery instincts are telling you something so I can’t imagine there is a future for you together?

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling.

But he was single then. Why shouldn't he have relied heavily on a platonicfriend if that was mutually helpful to them? If you feel that he is STILL primarily relying on this particular friend rather than you now that the two of you are a couple, then that's something worth talking about - but it's not sounding like that's the case.

He'd be an arsehole if he dumped his best friend as soon as he became involved in a serious romantic relationship. How would you feel about a female friend of your own who basically ghosted you when she got a new boyfriend? Yes, of course the friendship will change somewhat in that he has a new, most important person in his life and less free time, and his energy is directed elsewhere. But he still cares about his friend; he's still going to want to provide support to her - which is the right thing to do as she has supported him in the past.

This isn't AIBU, but If you're trying to decide if you're being unreasonable, my advice is to ask yourself if you'd be similarly upset about a very similar relationship with, say, a long-term male friend or with his brother (or sister)? If so, it's probably something specific in the relationship that's bothering you - is this relationship taking significant time away from your time together? Is the friend rude to/about you or disrespectful of your relationship? Is she calling at inconvenient times, like in the middle of the night? It's completely reasonable to ask for those things to stop. But if it's simply the fact that the friend is a woman, your issue is more likely that you simply don't trust your partner. Only you can know if that situation is fixable and how, or if you should split up.

Re-read the OP and give your head a wobble please. Honestly! OP asked him to put boundaries in place which he has, he says he has. Where does it say he is constantly crossing boundaries? OP felt uncomfortable with the friendship because he leaned on this person for support WHILE SINGLE, before OP even was in a relationship with him. It’s absolutely ridiculous and very unreasonable to have an issue with that.

I don’t know any healthy person in a healthy relationship who would question their partner over a friendship. He’s not doing anything to upset OP, he had a friend before he was with OP and he is still friends with that person now, that’s not a crime, and I’m sure you’re not implying that you should immediately cut off your friends when you get into a new relationship because that really is where madness lies.

It is quite clear why the OP has these worries, they said themselves- their ex lacked boundaries with women. That’s got nothing to do with the new partner, and it’s very unfair and actually borderline abusive to demand to read her partners messages before she believes him when he says nothing untoward is going on. In a healthy relationship, there is trust, if you don’t have trust you have nothing

Do you and this current boyfriend live together already? Or aren't you ready for that yet?

I wholeheartedly agree with this, CatamaranViper’s reply not the original post she quoted.
You say that you don’t want to be controlling but that is exactly what you are being.
Is he to have no privacy at all in his life? Just because of your insecurities ? That’s your problem, not his. It sounds like he has known this friend a long time, much longer than you. Surely they would be together full time & he wouldn’t have wanted you if there were more to it than a close friendship, or do close friends always have to be the same sex in your eyes? Do you have no male friends?

Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship if it’s to last, speaking as someone who has been married for over forty years, without that you are just laying up suspicion & needless unhappiness.

He hasn’t got a point. If the messages were innocent he would let you see, fact! Don’t put up with this shit.

It is quite clear why the OP has these worries, they said themselves- their ex lacked boundaries with women. That’s got nothing to do with the new partner,

Actually it does. He is her partner. He could put her mind at rest in an instant and is refusing to do so.

So your advice is she just trust him anyway? Because he says so.
Actions speak louder than words.
She hasn't once said she wants him to end the friendship, just that in her eyes its crossing boundaries and she is asking for reassurance with those boundaries. Any man who loves his partner would want to reassure them. And vice versa. Its hardly rocket science.

It isn't abusive to ask someone to put your mind at rest over something they are doing that is making you very unsettled FFS.

If a partner asked me to show them my personal messages then they'd be told to fuck right off.

Sorry OP, but I think you are out of line

So he’s told you that she’s asking him why they’re not close anymore. I’d be wanting to know more. I’d be asking what she said and what she means by that. If he isn’t telling you then I’d also be asking to see the text messages.

What does she mean by ‘they’re no longer close’? What has stopped? Has he stopped meeting with her? Calling her? Has she commented on you and maybe said you’re getting in the way of their friendship?

Unless there are other reasons not to trust him then you must try and take his word for it that there is nothing untoward. I would not want my partner to demand to read my messages. They are private and not because I have anything to hide.

So where does it end then? Do you honestly think looking at these texts once will be the end of it? Of course it won’t. And if you have to provide proof for your partner to believe you on something, what kind of relationship is that? She isn’t asking for reassurance of boundaries, what she’s asking for is to read his private messaged with a friend he has had before he was even with OP. He provided reassurance of boundaries when he told her he had taken a step back from the friendship. THAT is appropriate reassurance of boundaries, if his word on that isn’t enough, when he’s done absolutely nothing to give OP these trust issues, then for Gods sake just split up.

Asking someone to prove themselves because their word isn’t enough actually is abusive. You’re saying you don’t trust them, you’re accusing them of going behind your back with another person, you’re taking away their privacy.

My advice to him would be to run a mile from anyone who demands to read your messages before they believe you on something, because it never stops at reading texts, it starts there, then it’s checking your location so they can see where you are all of the time, then it’s checking bank statements to see if you’ve spent money on secret dates, it’s questioning you every time you leave the house and demanding proof of exactly who you were with, when and for how long. It’s a VERY slippery slope, and a massive red flag. Someone who loves you doesn’t need “proof” before they believe you, that’s a fact.

If my partner asked to read my private messages I'd be devastated. It would show they were insecure and didn't trust me. I think it would be the beginning of the end of the relationship to be honest.

If he's been friends with her for quite a long time and their friendship never went further when he was single despite them 'leaning on each other emotionally', what makes you think it will change now or in the future?

If your partner had a male friendship where they leaned on each other emotionally, would you be okay with that?

You don't actually say whether you're concerned about an affair or if you just don't want him having a close friendship with a woman.

If it's the former, is there some reason outside the closeness of their friendship that makes you suspect an affair, ie they spend a lot of time alone together, he's started 'working late' or walking the dog a great deal, etc?

If it's the latter, I think you are controlling as a consequence of your previous experiences.

Personally, if a boyfriend of 18 months started demanding to read messages between me and a long-standing, close, platonic male friend (which I have a couple of) despite there being no particular reason to think there was an affair happening, I'd also be declining, and I'd be considering showing my boyfriend the door.

I don’t agree with PPs equating not wanting to let someone read messages with having something to hide, though obviously could mean this. It’s basic respect for the confidentiality of the other person. I would hate it if my personal texts to a friend were shared with someone else. Not that it’s a scandalous secret or anything but a sharing within a trusted friendship where you make yourself more vulnerable.
Can you get to know this friend more socially and welcome her into your home with other friends so that you can see if she really is a threat to your relationship or someone who can also become your friend?
My very happily married DD has recently been completely cut off from her male best friend by his new girlfriend in a horrible way. It sounds abusive and is very sad so would be awful to cause a loss of friendship if genuine and no threat.

I'm with your DP. The whole point of password is that it's personal and private. It's fine that you want to share passwords and it's fine that he doesn't, neither is wrong it's just a difference of opinion. He doesn't have to do what you want. Your trust issues aren't his problem. Unless it's because I want perspective to know whether I'm being unreasonable or the other person is, I never show texts to anyone else. Why would I? I don't go home from meeting a friend and tell DP everything we talked about whilst out, it's no different to that.

His friendship sounds good? It's not healthy for your DP to be your everything. We all need people outside our relationship to be close to, go for advice and lean on for emotional support. People to share the good times and bad times with. There's going to be occasions in life when our DP's can't provide what we need. What if you were seriously ill or if the relationship was the problem? He couldn't come to you for support in those circumstances, if he had nobody else he'd be left in emotional turmoil alone and that's not good for a person.

Have you never been someone's friend and they've dropped you the minute they've got a DP, only showing up again when they return to being single? You know how that feels, right? How the friendship fades if it keeps happening and you realise you're being used as a fallback plan?

This whole attitude that family/DP should be all and everything is why nobody really has friends any more, loneliness is rife, widowed and divorced people suddenly become pariahs, people get sucked into unhealthy relationships without realising at all, nobody knows their neighbours or notices when the elderly ones die until there's a smell etc.

You shouldn't be stifling his friendships just because you've got issues, it's controlling. Embrace community and let it enrich your lives instead of trying to create an isolated sealed bubble of only you and him.

But surely if he'd had a close female friend for years before you met, you wouldn't expect him to cut all ties? And surely there's no need to feel threatened as if they'd be going to get together they would have done before you'd even met? I can't imagine having expected my late husband to abandon his friends, and also can't imagine expecting him to breach another persons trust be sharing confidential messages.

Many other posters have made the point that if this was the other way round and it was man taking this approach with a new-ish girlfriend mumsnet would be shouting 'red flag', 'controlling', LTB...!! I don't' see that this is any different tbh