DP refuses to show me messages between him and female friend

[Bellinibabe]

Name changed as this is quite personal. I’m having a tough time with my a situation with my partner and wanted another perspective please. Now I want to preface this by saying everyone has the right to privacy. That being said I have always been in open and honest relationships. I’ve known partners passcodes and they’ve known mine. My partner is quite guarded with his phone. He knows my passcode but I don’t know his. This is making me feel uneasy as he has a female friend who is very clingy.

I stated a while ago their friendship makes me feel uneasy as they often leant on each other for support when he was single and I feel like that is a role I should be fulfilling. Anyway he backed off and she has been questioning him why and asking why they’re not as close anymore. (I never said they shouldn’t be friends just asked for boundaries to be put in place) he’s mentioned this all in passing but he doesn’t really reveal much. My ex lacked boundaries with women so naturally my gut instinct is telling me something is wrong.

I asked him last night if I could the messages between him and her and he refused. I’m struggling with this. I’m not asking to go through his entire phone just the conversation with her so I can see for myself what I’m dealing with. For me personally if I had nothing to hide I would show the messages but he’s saying it’s invasive and I should trust him. I know he has a point but I’m struggling with the not knowing. I’m seeing him later to talk this all out but my mind is all over the place. I’m not really sure what to say to him and part of me is wondering if this is a dealbreaker. I’m not used to dating men with close female friends so this is all new territory to me. We’ve been together for almost a year and a half.

I do think if he wasn't up to anything, he'd let you see the messages.

Why should he have to, though?

Also, is his friend not entitled to keep her privacy? She probably doesn't want her private chats shared with the OP.

I must be alone with this but if DH ever wanted to look through my messages, I really wouldn’t care. My messages are all boring as chuff, mostly just logistics of meeting with people or a bit of catching up small talk type stuff. Nothing remotely suspicious so I wouldn’t hide my phone from him or tell him he couldn’t look.

You wouldn’t have to see many messages from this woman to know whether it was anything suspicious or not so the fact he won’t show you at all is worrying imo.

You wouldn’t have to see many messages from this woman to know whether it was anything suspicious or not so the fact he won’t show you at all is worrying imo.

So if someone values their privacy, it must be suspicious?

Have you thought of what you'd do with what you might find? Years ago, when things between OH and I were a bit on the off side, I was getting a bit itchy about his friendship with a woman he shared a sport with and did the stupid thing of checking their messages (his phone wasn't locked). I found a recent one where he was telling her in terms I can't remember that I was being a pain.

It really upset me for many reasons and it was eating me inside. I didn't say anything to him because it was his right to moan to his friends and after all, I did the sane with my friend.

I moved, the relationship got back on track with time and I put it behind but I promised myself to never look again. It's intrusive and it doesn't help you in any way.

If you suspect he might be cheating, you need to look at it from a different perspective but otherwise, let him have his privacy and entitlement to share some things with his close friends that he might not share with you.

If my husband had asked to see the conversations between my best male friend and me, depending on the timing he'd have read about my friends suicidal ideation, or his unrequited crush on a colleague, or his appointment with a mental health professional. So no, no way in hell would I have shown my DH those conversations.

Friend's parts in our chats don't have to be as majorly difficult as those for them to still deserve privacy. It's not all about the owner of the phone. It's about the rights of those they talk to as well.