Why do I feel angry with my very ill Mum?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

Firstly, I would never express these feelings out loud to her or anyone in my family.

My Mum is very very unwell. She is recovering from a heart valve replacement surgery and has stage 4 lung cancer. She is currently in a unit doing some rehab following the heart surgery before returning home and starting treatment for the lung cancer.

A dr spoke to her today, asking her to think about having a 'do not resuscitate' plan in place given her now increased risk of heart attacks following the heart surgery. The dr also talked to her about the lung cancer saying that when she sees the oncologist in a couple of weeks, she will need to think about what they say and of the available treatment options, what she will want to do.

Obviously, she is really upset by all this. But part of me is also thinking that she has already had cancer once, that she has been in hospital for two months, that she is very frail. She looks like she is 150 years old - she is 75. Why is any of this news to her? Surely she must know how unwell she is and that the end of her life cannot be too far away?

I go from feeling devastated about losing my Mum and that she is having such an awful time, to being angry that she really doesn't seem to have realised what her situation is and doesn't want to confront it. Worst of all, I feel angry that she is scared and upset. I'm also sick of talking about her and her illnesses. I'm not proud of this.

Why do I feel angry with her for being scared? I feel like a terrible person and I am genuinely ashamed. Can you help me unpack this a bit?

On your mum's side of things I don't blame her in not wanting to confront her own death. Very frightening for the doctor to have discussed do not resuscitate with her. Do you agree with it? Or can you contest it?

On your side of things, perhaps the anger is an anticipatory form of grief.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself recently, so when you said “Why is any of this news to her?” it really resonated. My FIL is 85, has had a very rapid decline in health after a surprise cancer diagnosis. MIL has been in bits, saying she can’t believe what’s happening, and as much as I understand how shocked she is (life has changed so much in 3-4 months) I am frustrated that the pair of them are so surprised to be facing mortality at their grand old ages. No will, no anticipation of this at all.

I’ve been feeling quite frustrated with them. Of course no one wants to think about death, but to have made no plans at all seems daft in this day and age.

I think it’s OK to be angry @reallyworriedjobhunter. You wish she was more accepting of the inevitable. You wish she wasn’t so afraid because that’s upsetting for you. Her emotional state at the moment probably stands in the way of you being able to process your own emotions about the prospect of losing your Mum.

I'm so sorry about your mum 💐

My mum is also terminal with stage 4 cancer. It came out of nowhere and she was healthy albeit elderly until then. She was diagnosed in July. It's one of those cancers where by the time you have symptoms it's too late and very advanced.

My mum said no to radiotherapy although at her age it would be horrible, she said no nasogastric tube feeling which would have stopped her getting so emaciated. So she is now down to 38kg and falling.

She was too ill to come home as she is totally immobile. She can't even adjust position in bed. But I had an almighty battle getting her to accept this. She wanted to go home with not even a commode and said she'd just potter around.

She's in a nursing home and had an admission back to hospital due to dehydration.

But she still hasn't dropped the delusions. She keeps talking about what it will be like when she's better. When is she coming home. I said to her you can't walk and she accused me of making trouble for her. I said get up and walk now if she can: she just told me not to be stupid.

I am so angry with her for this. I'm angry as much as I feel sorry for her. I cannot have any reasonable discussion about it with her. Funeral, any thing she wants to say to me. She won't accept she's not getting better and it's driving me nuts. It's just so frustrating.

I'm also sick to death of talking about it and thinking about and I feel so guilty for it.

I don't have a solution or know what to say but I understand.

It's hard to confront our own deaths OP. I wonder if she just can't face it. Perhaps it just feels like too much for her. I wonder if any of your anger is tied up with you now seeing her so vulnerable and afraid and feeling helpless. My Dad died earlier this year of cancer and nothing could have prepared me for what it was like. Thinking about and experiencing these things are massively different.
Look after yourself though, do you have anyone in real life you can talk about these things too? Nothing will get easier the more ill she gets. My Dad did have a DNR in place and it helped us when making decisions so it might be worth discussing this through with her so you can try and see where she stands.

I’m not sure contesting the DNR is wise. Looking at things objectively, when you have an elderly patient with a life limiting illness (or maybe two) you have to ask, what is the point of trying to stop them from dying a natural death? CPR is brutal (ribs will be broken) and often unsuccessful. I wouldn’t want it for myself, or for someone I loved.

Thanks for the replies.

I am scared of big emotions. I have ADHD so painful emotions are often also physically painful and so I am a huge over anticipator, trying to prepare and protect myself.

I know what is coming is going to be very difficult. It's already been difficult, especially for my poor Dad who has spent the last two months by her side travelling two hours every day.

I think the anger is grief @reallyworriedjobhunter

I'm not trying to contest a DNR - I 100 per cent think she should have one. I would in her position. It's my Mum who doesn't want a DNR and doesn't even want to think about it.

Thank you @SirMcDoddle

My MIL on the other is always cheerfully talking about her death. The other extreme.

Thank you @Jellycats4life . I'm sorry about your FIL

My mum was similar. She had stage 4 cancer and she was marble coloured and had to have a wheelchair for hospital visits but could not talk about the inevitable. She was 69. She took chemo when already very unwell and died of a very rare chemo reaction. I have had so many emotions. Anger is part of grief. Hugs for you. It’s a very difficult time. None of us know how we will face our own death.

Please don't try and and contest it. Cpr is awful and brutal and won't work on someone with end stage cancer and cardiac history and age not on their side, I certainly personally wouldn't want to be subjected to it when it wouldn't be successful. A dignified pain free death with family nearby is preferable

There’s a huge difference in being cheery talking about something that’s a future thing. Talking about, and accepting, a reality that’s very close is a totally different matter.

I've recently been diagnosed with cancer bad haven't reacted the way you might imagine.

I think you may be finding it hard to understand your mums behaviour because you think she should react the way you would.

Whether your mum has a DNAR is neither here nor there - healthcare professionals cannot start treatment they know will be futile or have no meaningful outcome, so they will only attempt resuscitation if they believe there is a chance of a positive outcome. If she doesn’t want one then you can just smile and nod at this stage I’m afraid. (And fwiw this is actually the case for most people - the suggestion of a DNAR is quite often a clinician’s way of saying “if your heart stops now it would be futile for us to try and restart it, it won’t work or give you a meaningful outcome, and it would be unethical for us to proceed”).

When my sister’s cancer became terminal her strategy was Not To Discuss It with anyone at all. She didn’t talk about ‘when she was better’ but any conversation about wishes or the future was shut down. This worked for her and we went along with it.

I would say, stop fighting your mum. She doesn’t want to think about it, making her think about it is not really necessary - what will be will be.

Part of your anger is likely to be anticipatory grief as has been said.

Part of it may also be because you feel like you’re being the sensible, realistic grown up and you’re the child. An adult child, but the child all the same and you may feel that your Mum should be being the sensible realistic grown up as she the mum. Lots of people feel very child like (in terms of wanting an adult to take charge) when faced with the death of their Mum or dad.

She's frightened, and you're frightened about losing her. So, you're clashing. Let her do it her way, as far as possible. I have a DNR in place.

You know what, I completely understand.

But, having been there, I do have some advice. Be kind. Not that sickly be kind all over the internet type of kind. I mean think kindly. Because if she is dying, these times, right now, are the memories that linger. They will fade, but in the aftermath, these are the times you will pore over. So, for your own future sanity, you need to be a bit selfless here.

It won't be easy and you will find yourself angry, bitter, sad, and all of the other negative emotions along the way, and you totally need to let these out somewhere.

Tenderness, closeness and compassion. But you can get compassion fatigue, and tired of all of the others. So do make sure you have some support, and time out.

Not trying to contest any DNRs. Not sure why people keep thinking that I am.

Sometimes I wonder if terminal illness like this in the elderly causes a form of cognitive impairment. Not full on dementia necessarily, but it’s as if their inhibitions and planning abilities go and they regress to an almost teenager like level. It wouldn’t surprise me if there were some biological basis for this.

@tothelefttotheleft I think that is very true. Thank you. I am sorry about your diagnosis. Sending you luck and love.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Can totally understand the 'anger'.
My DDad died 14 years ago and I can still remember him clearly telling the district nurse that he still had feeling in his legs when she would do the reflex tests.
He absolutely did not have any feeling below his chest because of where the cancer had spread.
I remember many conversations while sat with him when he would be telling me about all the things he was going to do with my children when the nurses let him out of the bed 😞
Unfortunately he didn't accept it at all and his passing was horrific because he was fighting it every step of the way.
It completely broke me for a very long time.
No advice except to be kind to yourself. You'll be experiencing so many unfamiliar emotions, many which are rational and more that just don't make sense.
Wishing you strength with your journey and hope you have people you can talk to in RL. Think you'll be surprised by how many people will understand 💐

You’re angry with her because you’re powerless.

You can’t make her well, you can’t make decisions for her. You know what’s coming, you know how it will feel and you don’t want any of it.

Being angry with her is easier than being angry at the situation because if you’re angry with her there’s someone to blame.

She’s making the decisions she is because she’s scared and doesn’t want to die.

You’re allowed to be angry and scared. She’s allowed to be angry and scared.

None of it is easy.

Is your mum a smoker@reallyworriedjobhunter ?

I also felt some hidden anger towards my mum when she was dying of lung cancer. I could never admit it to anyone in real life. But I think I had very mixed feelings around grief and anger with certain lifestyle choices she made.